Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Photos and Color Swatches Are Essential

What could he have possibly asked for?

It's summer time, that dangerous season, when the vulnerable vain among us, let the warm weather go to our heads and fool ourselves into thinking, "hey, I kinda feel like I could be cute this year. Yeah, I think that I could do it. And I have JUST the haircut to get me there."

So we book our appointment in that overpriced salon, we sit in that swanky chair with crooked necks that will require another appointment immediately following with the chiropractor, we endure the too hot scorch of the water at the Master Stylist's apprentice's hands, because we know. We know. That at the end of all this, our head swinging loveliness will be gifted to the world.

We will be that MILF.


rrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipppp....


But what about the times, when after you've sat, breathless and hopeful in anticipation of the beauty that will soon be you, you are twirled around to see your image reflected back?




And you see this?


Is that you, John Boy?
What then?


What things can cause more distress to a woman, than a bad haircut?


I'll tell you; FEW.

I have been sent home from salons, after asking for something easy to keep up, looking like this:

Gel, clips, and she's off...
 
They were right, it was very easy to keep up. A Costco sized tube of MegaPlusUltraHold silicone gel, two huge Melba Moore hair clips and Voila!

Voila! and off I'd go, listening to my children ask, "Mom? Do you always do what your haircutting lady tells you to? Even if they make you look like you have Mickey Mouse ears?"


I've gone in and asked for something for the mature over 40 woman, so I wouldn't look like some sad soul grasping at youth.

And have gone home with this:

When your forehead becomes a fivehead


Baring my forehead to the world, and nary a botox discount coupon in the take home bag.


Once, I had the bright idea to funkify mommy with some highlights, lowlights, sidelights, whatever: give mama somethin' new!  After I was done cookin', this was unfurled:


Don't you wish your mama was hot like me...



Animal print top included.

Through all this pain and anxiety and intense suffering of dissatisfaction with what I've had in my mind, vs what was put on my head, I have come up with three survival tips to a bad session at the hair salon. Yes, there is so much more than you can do, than merely cry with a bag over your head for the next eight weeks:


How To Survive a Bad Haircut:

1.  Begin a course of prenatal vitamins as soon as you return home. Kick start that new growth, and soon that  mess on your head will be a blog post.

2.  For your next appointment, prepare with real life PICTURES of haircuts you like, COLOR SWATCHES, fragments of magazine pages ripped out of USweekly. Know what you want. You're not asking to look like Angela Bassett, you're just asking for her hair.




If I have but one life to live, let me live it as Angela hotass Bassett


 Okay,  I lied--I am asking you to make me look like Angela Bassett.


3.  And, no worries of an unfixable bad haircut ever again, just click the link here:

How To Place Clip in Hair Extensions At Home.



Join me, would you, please? Tell me your good (or is it bad?) haircut stories. I'd LOVE to know I'm not the only one, (I'm sick that way).

56 comments:

  1. So, telling them to turn me into Angelina Jolie would be unreasonable? I do get mistaken for her, and Wilford Brimely, all the time.

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  2. I usually just cry when I get a bad haircut. Your ideas are better.

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  3. I just try and remind myself hair does grow back after a bad haircut. If worse comes to worse there are caps.

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  4. This is why I have a beret for bad hair days. I'm screwed in the summer though.

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  5. I have been going to the same hair stylist for 8 years now because she is the only one I trust. I do not want any bad hair days.

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  6. hello my Liege: I left my last haircut looking like Danny Partridge. Only with much shorter bangs.

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  7. The secret is to sport the same haircut you've had since you were 12. No surprises that way.

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  8. where can i go to get leopard print hair? i have been missing out...

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  9. This is why I'm so petrified to go to another hair stylist!

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  10. I went in for a Lisa Rinna haircut over 10 years ago and came out looking more like I had a 12 year old boy's haircut. I was devastated!!

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  11. You would make a smokin' hot Angela Basset.

    Or a kick ass First Lady (no Botox required).

    But Renee. Oh, Renee. There are no words...

    p.s. I get my hair trimmed only twice a year because I'm A. lazy B. cheap C. terrified.

    You just reminded me why C is for real.

    Too funny, lady! Thanks for the laughs!

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  12. Same hairdresser for almost 20 years. Haven't had a bad one yet! Thank goodness...before that, well, I'd rather not remember.

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  13. I'm about to get a color stripe in my hair, you nailed it exactly..."hey, I kinda feel like I could be cute this year. Yeah, I think that I could do it..." um, it will either be cool or horrible.

    I'm kidding myself, Yes??

    loved this!

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  14. So I have the ever nasty, nappy hair issue. The first and only time I got a haircut at JC Pennys, they cut it entirely way to short for my chubby face. Then...oh my word, then they blew out my hair. I ended up leaving lookin like the only chia pet.

    Now, I either trim my hair myself (I leave my hair curly so I can get away with that); or get it done by a friend. She did my hair last time and it came out great - despite my chubby pregnant face. Gotta admit I never thought to ask to look like someone.

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  15. I haven't been to a beauty shop in too many years to count. The few hairs I have left, stay in a ponytail.

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  16. I wish I could help. I get a great haircut and get home and can't replicate the style. So I have about 3 good hair days a month from sheer luck (shear luck?) and the rest: rockin the pony tail.

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  17. The day I stopped getting bad "trim 1 inch" haircuts, which always turned into 4 inches, was the day I added this sentence to "trim one inch," "OR I won't pay for this haircut."

    Problem solved. I also had to switch salons FOUR times.

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  18. I wanted the Jennifer Aniston. remember that? so cute with all the layers.

    I got a mushroom top. It was so bad.

    There was definite crying.

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  19. Ha. I just did that this weekend. Only my expectations at my age were seriously lowered. I just wanted that hair out of my way and that's pretty much what I got. Glad I am not the only one. Although, frankly, I'm sure you look like a MILF even with Hillary's hair.

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  20. I once had a haircut and color that was so bad, I had my hair pinned up in a French twist for 3 months while it grew out so I could cut off all the rat tails that were left hanging. Also? Orange is not a good color for Chinese people, just sayin'.

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  21. I have gotten a few lovely haircuts, especially being a hairstylist! I would go for something ultra trendy and not end up with that.

    Its not a pretty scene! I love your tips!!!

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  22. Um when I was about 13 I got a perm (a home perm) and oh did I mention that I already had very curly frizzy hair. It was bad news.

    And then in my early twenties I went to a new hair dresser to get my cute pixie cute trimmed and pretty much went home with a buzz cut. So for about 6 weeks everyone thought I was a militant lesbian, not that there is anything wrong with that, it just doesn't really attract the eligible bachelors! ya know?

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  23. Once when I came home from the salon my husband said "this is not what I signed up for." Score!

    http://chosenchaos.blogspot.com/

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  24. Shoot, I haven't had even a trim in a year. I'm a blow dry and flat iron away from my locks going up in flames...flames I say!

    Thanks for the reminder, I need to make an appointment asap:)

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  25. One my beloved convinced me during early marriage that he could trim my waist length locks to even it up...........to ABOVE MY SHOULDERS. It was almost the end of young love.

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  26. Oh gosh, I hear ya sister! I wanted the whole hi-lights, low-lights at the beginning of summer. $260 later my hair was orange! I've since resorted to Clairol and I think I have recovered.

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  27. I fortunately have an AHMAZING stylist. I can only remember ONCE coming home and litterally crying in front of the mirror because I hated my hair that badly. That was the last time I went to THAT stylist. I've been with my current one for about 3 years. When I find perfection I stay...and I follow them all over the city if I need to!

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  28. It's always the bangs with me. They never get the bangs right.

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  29. "Don't you wish your mama was hot like me..." hee hee : )

    After one of my pregnancies I decided to cut my very long hair. I went armed with details and a pic. I quickly recognized that the stylist was clueless but it was too late. I knew I was doomed after about 20 minutes of fiddling and rearranging and I can't even describe it but it was short. And shorter on the other side.

    This is also why I Am Not a hairstylist!

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  30. This is hilarious, of course.
    I have been going to the same hair place forever and getting the same haircut forever. Not sure if that makes me boring or just less at risk for looking like Hillary Clinton.

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  31. Growing up, I always had the same haircut . . . part on the right, over the ears, tapered back. I'm a guy, and it worked.

    Then, in the early days of cell phones, I had my phone in my pocket when I went to get my standard haircut. A txt came in. I wasn't used to it. I jumped at just the wrong/right time.

    A good amount of hair was taken off . . . just enough that the girl said "I don't know if we can do what you wanted and still have it look good." She was able to save it . . . I've gone shorter and shorter since.

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  32. Amanda: I have tried bangs, I need bangs, but I keep on going to the wrong people.

    Jessica: you have celestially gifted hair from the gods. You don't even ever need the word"hairdresser" to leave your lips.

    MOTP: I WILL be that MILF. (told ya) xo

    Mrs. Tuna: Whaaa? You, are an intelligent woman. WHY IN THE WORLD would you think HE COULD??

    Katie: OMG, I am laughing at what I see with what you've said.

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  33. I love the girls who do my hair now, at HOLIDAY HAIR (you know those walk in places???) they are fantastic, they listen, I bring them things, they tell me "Um, maybe not...this might be better" and away we go.

    and recently I've been using a BLONDE highlighter from John Frieda. OTC stuff, you know, but wow, it's working.

    I learned the hard way with perms and wearing my hair too long and trying buns, high ponytails, etc....I feel sexy lately and I love that my hair takes about 5 minutes, TOPS. ;)

    plus I love "WAITING TO EXHALE" ..isn't that the BEST movie???? xo

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  34. That's hilarious, but to be honest, this summer I'd settle for looking like raggedy Renee Zelwegger! I'm letting my hair grow, and it's clipped back EVERY day. So boring.

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  35. When I was 16 I went to the hairdressers and said "cut it all off!" (It was long, I wanted it short) I looked like Betty White in her early years. The next day I went on holidays. For two weeks I was sick to my stomach. really bad haircuts=stomach sickness. When I got back I went to another salon and said "fix it!" They gave me the Demi Moore Ghost haircut which was totally rockin' back then. After that I was smokin' hot. Which is what I should've been to begin with.

    I was 16 freakin' years old! Stupid hairdresser.

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  36. lol! I love this post, mainly because it speaks so well to why I have only been to a hairstylist three times in my life. Each time, I've left feeling worse than before and like there is no hope for my hair under their professional "guidance" and "expertise." I'm still open to searching for the "one," or the stylist that can tame my locks, but I'm not really enthusiastic about it enough to really begin that search.

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  37. My mum is not a hairdresser but she decided to cut my hair when i was 7, i wanted a bob, i got a mullet! The moral of the story is never let mum "get creative" with anything other than cooking.

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  38. Okay. Confession time.

    When I turned 30 I decided to lop off my very long hair, because when you turn 30 you do crazy things. So I went out at lunchtime and came back with very short hair. I liked it for about 2 seconds and then it started to grow back in and was the most awkward haircut I've ever had.

    It scarred me to the point where I have not stepped foot in a salon in a year and 11 months. True story. It really needs to be cut. Seriously needs to be cut. But I'm so hesitant. At least right now I can just bun it and go. But shorter hair, which I actually prefer, takes time to style because my hair is so fine it just lays flat and lifeless unless I mess with it for hours. Ack!

    PS Love the John Boy caption. I snorted.

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  39. I'm not fussy about my hair at all.
    Hairdressers love me 'cause I just tell them to do what they think is best.

    A couple years ago I came home with a mullet.

    A REAL FREAKING MULLET!!

    My husband came home for lunch to find me crying in the bathroom. I handed him a pair of bandage scissors and he was able to bring me back to the present century.

    I had to hold him back from marching into that salon and setting it on fire.

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  40. STOMACH ache from laughing so hard.

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  41. And this is the reason I'm too chicken to change my hairstyle...

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  42. Anne: do you know how much I LOVE that I make you laugh?

    People? If you havent' checked out TheLouiseLog yet, on YouTube, do yourself a favor: DO IT! High larious, so funny, and like something you haven't seen before.

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  43. My mom used to take my sisters and to a salon that knew how to do one type of haircut for kids. It was a short boy cut. We all looked terrible.

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  44. I went through a 10 minute "rebellious stage" in college, and unfortunately set foot in a salon right when it started. I came out as Sinead O'Connor. All pictures have been burned.

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  45. Hello Lady! I have just kept the same hair style (but I change my color)for the last 15
    years or so. :)
    Thanks for stopping by my blog to say hello. You are welcome to come by and write about you dear son for my Fabulous Friends Fridays! Just email me. My special kiddos are mostly what I blog about, but I've started a Memories Meme to. For the summer it is running two weeks at a time. I hope you join me when you can. :)

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  46. My aunt owns a salon. She does an excellent job on people's hair.

    On everyone but me and my daughter for some reason. I think she doesn't like me and it comes out in her treatment of my hair. And the girl's hair. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson sooner, but no.

    The very last time I let her do our hair was about 5 years ago. She cut my hair, and I looked like Elvis. She cut the girl's hair, and she looked like Elvis. I wish I was kidding you. I know she loved Elvis, but this was ridiculous.

    The girl started crying in the salon chair. I kept it together until I got home, at which point I collapsed, sobbing, into my bed. And then had to get up, try and fix it, and meet some friends.

    Never. Again.

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  47. Um. I once let my mom give me "The Rachel" hair cut? In her bathroom? And she's not a licensed professional? And then I wore my hair in a ponytail for about a year...

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  48. I got a mullet 4 years ago. Aside from that, I'd rather not talk about it!

    Good idea with prenatals. I find that a lot of bad hair cuts also come with bad coloring jobs, which has made me scared to dye my hair. I dyed my hair from a box a couple years ago, and that was fun and all but I'm too cheap and broke to go and have my roots touched up all the time, and I don't want to have orange hair (thanks to that happening to my sister).

    Ever since the mullet cut though, I've been very particular with pictures and descriptions about how I want long hair to remain IN THE FRONT to avoid the party in the back.

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  49. So, about a year after we got the boys, I got alopecia from the stress - uh yeah, two boys with autism, 12 therapy appointments each week, plus a teenager = bald spots and happy pills for Mommy. Two years later the hair is JUST starting to come back in. For two years I have worn baseball caps and wigs. I would give my left tit to be able to go into a salon and get a cut, but I am too embarrassed to let anyone other than family see me bald. I make my teen trim my remaining locks right now. There is a reason why she hates me!

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  50. Aw, Kelly:

    We never realize how blessed we are.

    I hope your hair comes in soon.

    I really do.

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  51. Okay, the fivehead made me laugh out loud. And yes, it would be lovely if our hairdresser could turn us into Angela Basset. I'd particularly like her legs, please.

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  52. as you know, i love your stuff:)

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  53. Oh sure, I had to read this today. I just booked an appointment at a new place because I need to do something with my hair. It needs a cut anyway, but I've had the same deal, more or less, for too long. Sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. Sometimes more layers, sometimes fewer. I really want to cut it way short and see what it's like but I'm so scared.

    As for scary hair stories, I have lots. The most embarrassing one is from when I was in Grade 7 and I let my hair guy (who I had gone to for years and still did until last summer when I got lazy) put layers in. I hated them. Cried and cried. And he STILL reminds me of that to this day when I go and ask for layers. Hello? I was 13!!

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  54. Are you saying I shouldn't have asked for the Kate Gosselin?

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  55. When I had boy-short hair, I received some of the worst haircuts of my life. Once I had a hairdresser take clippers to the back of my head. Before I could protest I heard her say, "Whoops!" as a clump of hair fell to the ground. Turns out she had forgotten to put a guard on those clippers and I ended up with a military crew cut.

    Another time, after months and months of a painful "growing out" phase, I managed to grow my hair to my chin. I went to the salon for a "trim" and left looking like a stand-in for Mia Farrow in Rosemary's Baby.

    You know, this would make a great blog hop.

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  56. Years ago my sister went to beauty school. She came to my house one day when I was a young mom to give me a perm and hair cut.

    It turned out soooooo badly that she actually said, "Well, at least no one has to see you!" (I was a SAHM)

    I can't begin to tell you how horrible it was. Imagine a poodle. Then imagine the poodle with a mullet and bangs that barely wouldn't lay flat.

    shudder!

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