Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Dear Abby



*With special thanks to Suniverse, one of the best tweeps to follow on twitter and whose tweet today prompted this post: (I love you, Suni)


"I think I'm making a new friend at work. For the love of god, BE COOL PEOPLE. let's not f**k this up."

* * *

DEAR ABBY:
Can you please tell me what is not too much when meeting a new friend? I mean I think it's a new friend, I hope so! I want her to be but don't want to scare her away like what happened with the last new temp we had in our department. That one had to leave suddenly after I made her a lunch and brought it to work for her the second day she was here. I don't know what happened, I mean, I rationalized as long as I was packing one for myself, right?
Signed,
I Think This Is The One!

DEAR ITTITO:
Hold on hold on. You what? No no no no NO. Dear desperate reader, you cannot and will not make a lunch for a total stranger again. I know, in your mind she's not a total stranger because you spent all thirteen hours away from her after work imagining her plugged into your lonely life -- but I assure you -- she is a stranger. She knows it. Your work department knows it. You need to know it. No More Lunch Making. You asked about the "what is too much." Extra Lunch I Made For You is the too much. Slow down, Nelly. Share some more face time. Like a dog senses fear, total strangers (which is what this new co-worker is) sense instability. And that scares the crap out of people.

DEAR ABBY:
Okay. I won't make lunch again. I'll just offer to buy. But can you give me some examples of what would be considered an appropriately safe gift for this new friend I'm going to have? I want to spend time with her and see her regularly.
Signed,
Still Convinced She's The One!

DEAR SCSTO:
No gift. No gift would be considered appropriately safe when you have just met someone. Dear woman, the best gift for the moment is the gift of self control you must present to yourself. You like her, I get that. You can let her know this with a smile, a chuckle at her jokes, perhaps asking her to join you for lunch or drinks after work. In this case, for the safety of everyone involved and my issues with hating the weight of responsibility, limit yourself to group outings only.

DEAR ABBY:
I think your answer means I have to take back the charm bracelet I bought her. With the broken heart halves "best friends forever." I don't want to take it back, and she already saw me wearing my half, "Be--  Frie--."
Signed,
Not Giving Up

DEAR NGU:
Think of a new signature, because NGU? You have to. If the poor target in question has spied this bangle ringing your wrist out of the corner of her eye and you now present the other half to her? Don't be surprised if she becomes the next "like that one girl that was almost my friend that I scared away again," Part II. Bracelet: take it back.

DEAR ABBY:
I think I found a newer new friend I'm going to have. Now that I think about it, that new co-worker is nowhere near as special as this new could be friend. By the way, did you know that your address is hard to find? I wanted to send you this necklace I saw that would be perfect for us to wear when we're together, but your publisher was really hedgy when I called and asked for details on how to find you, but that's okay because I think I can figure out where your office is. Pretty sure. Either way, I'll meet you in your lobby in front of the magazine kiosk, around 1ish. I'll bring lunch. I mean, it'd be silly not to, right? As long as I'm packing one for myself...


"OMG MY NEW WORK ALMOST-FRIEND HUGGED ME TODAY!!"

 * * * 


41 comments:

  1. Haaaaaaaaaaa!

    I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're the best, A. I love your laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaugh!

      xo

      Delete
  2. That's insane. By the way, enclosed is a box of purple Uniball pens, because the drone I have hovering outside your kitchen window sent back pictures of you writing with one, and the tip looks rather chewed up. You're welcome! Also included is a cherry Chapstick, because your lips look a little dry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm, kablooey, this lingo comes a little too easily to you...

      xo

      Delete
  3. Hahahahahaha! This was awesome.

    Is it wrong that my first reaction was to tell ITTITO that I'll be her friend for a homecooked lunch?
    Signed,
    Shameless Beggar With An Inability To Cook
    (Prefers Mexican Food)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad it made you happy, Tracie. Suni kept me happy yesterday. You should see the stream, she got better and better.

      xo

      Delete
  4. Tell ITTITO that I'm available for gifts and lunches. Also, sleepovers.

    ReplyDelete
  5. OMG This is why I don't have friends. I love you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I don't remember the last time I made lunch for MYSELF much less the new girl. I find this creepily awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Replies
    1. Aw, Dusty, you're checking in on me.

      Makes me cry.

      Thank you.

      xo

      Delete
  8. you make me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YAY to laughing.

      Laughter is the best medicine.

      xo

      Delete
  9. haha ok more than just a little scary...smiles...

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ha! Hilarious! Always worried about doing "too much," I end up doing too little...but at least no charm bracelets were involved.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Charm bracelets, some type of fashioned hemp bracelet--must be involved.

      Thanks for stopping by, Natalie. WIll hop over and catch up. xo

      Delete
  11. Oh how I love you...but not in a creepy overbearing new friend kind of way...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dang. I want you to love me in a creepy overbearing new friend please way.

      You're the best, Andrea.

      xo

      Delete
  12. OMG too funny.
    Is it safe now, after nearly 2 years of online friendship, for me to send you a friendship bracelet? :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. what are you WAITING for?

      2 yrs in online years? Pshaw. We might as well have gone to high school together, except I"m a hundred years older than you.

      xo

      Delete
  13. I'm wondering if it's acceptable to give a new friend a box of Valentine's chocolates I bought on sale at Walgreens after knowing her for five hours? Two hours is obviously way too soon. That would just be creepy, but five seems like a good number to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Five hours? Yeah. Good question. We'll take it to Suni.

      xo (thanks for stopping, Lovelyn. I appreciate it)

      Delete
  14. I think you and Suni might want to work this idea into a whole stand-up routine because it's brilliant. And then just FYI, any time anyone--really, ANYONE--wants to buy me lunch, that's just fine with me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know how I love Suni. She's the best. xo ( will catch up soon, just climbing out of the personal, you know? Feeling a bit more like who I used to be before 2013 slammed its way head on into my family's life) xo

      Delete
  15. umm, well first and foremost, I have been known to meet someone, talk to them about something..a book, a lipstick, a snack and yes, I have absolutely brought it for them within a day or so...that makes me bananas doesn't it?

    also I have these thoughts too, "I like this new friend, I want her to LIKE ME TOO, I will send her a card, or a present, or pay for dinner if we go out" jeepers it's like dating, only no sex.

    this was hilarious and TRUE. I am glad I am already friends with you and Suni...you should be receiving your "Glad we're friends" cards anyday now. ;)

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But, see, Kir, from you? TOTALLY SWEET.

      From the rest of us: run, hide, maybe quit?

      Delete
  16. Isn't it the truth about making friends as adults though? What happened to making friends when we were kids, "Hey, wanna play Barbies with me?" I mean yeah, as an adult I guess that would also be kind of over the top in a creepy sort of way...(sigh)...thank BOB we have blogs to make friends over in a safe, non-invasive way. But still, if you wanna play Barbies you know where to find me. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't be scared, SS...especially in light of this post, and the current one on your blog...but, now I'm Following you. ;)

      Delete
  17. Insanely funny and dadly true at the same time. I love you, kid.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There are some things we would just love to do, and are helpless in the face of said impulses. Someone has to slap us back to what is NORMAL.

      Delete
  18. I live in a state that, ahh, encourages people to move away from it... And as my in-state friends list dwindles, I cast my eye appraisingly onto other lovely ladies I've met --through work, or friends-of-friends -- and I say, Hmmmmm. Hellooooooo there.

    Trying to make new friends now that I'm out of college does have an odd, date-like quality - in the pursuit of 3 of these new potential buds, I've taken to going on "Lady Dates". It's cutely awkward, and leaves me with the impression that I'm being a friend-whore by dating around. I don't think I'm ready to go steady with any of them yet, though; don't want to rush anything.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm with Tracie. Someone brings me lunch (or a free pen), and I'm THEIRS. Which explains why I've stood up in like 20 weddings....

    ReplyDelete
  20. This is so funny.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Yeah, it's stalkerly - but I kind of like the idea of someone making me lunch!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You would?

      You would?

      Yeah me? Not so much...


      xo

      Delete
  22. The friendship balance is always hard and I've been on both sides of the table. I hope I didn't creep you out with my care package!! I worried a little bit that I did. But I know, you are not a new friend. I hope it was ok I did that :-)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Mwaa Haa Haa - both of you are funny!

    ReplyDelete
  24. dude. this is awesome. also, i would take the free lunch. but that's probably just me. i would hold off on wearing the other half of the charm bracelet though.

    ReplyDelete
  25. This was awesome!! 'Still convinced she's the one'...love that.

    Convinced you are one of the funniest, most genuine people I know.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I think we'd be like peas and carrots! See! Everyone wants to be your friend. Now you're the popular girl!

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails