Monday, February 20, 2017

No President's Day For You!

No President's Day for You. Because you're not nice.

You know who else wasn't nice? Your inspiration, P7. He called himself the “direct representative of the common man” too.

He was not 70 years old like you, but instead 67. He packed double pistols, and toted them. I'll even let you call him a double pistol packing insane dude who could almost be standing right in front of you today.

Are we talking about P45 or P7? I forget, one seems to be the tarnation reincarnation of one of the worst presidents our country has ever known.

Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson was the 7th president of the United States. He was called Old Hickory not for his craggly face as one would think, but because he'd beat you about the face and chest with his hickory cane, getting a good blow in on your spine too if you ever disagreed with him or he set a not- a- likin' to you.

Here's where else the similarities between these two get goose-bumpy: they were both - gasp- 6’2″. Though our modern recreation of Old Hickory states that his “doctor” using the quotes that our current POTUS likes so much, puts him at "236" pounds, the original Old Hickory was a frightening 140 pounds.

140 pounds of chihuahua weight frenzy.

P7's I- don’t- give- a- shit life began at age 12, when he joined a local militia and quickly became a prisoner of war for the British. When ordered to polish a British General’s boots, he told the requesting officer that he’d shine his boots the day the officer got to know a donkey biblically. The Brit General slashed an X on the young Jackson’s face with his sword, and Jackson again issued the invitation, “Go to your beast, sir.”

Hoooooooooooooly crap, what a mouth.

His mother and father were both dead by the time he was 14, and being an orphan meant he was dirt poor–and yet he grew up to be the 7th president of the United States. He often bragged about how he was a self made man, no help from others, with only himself to count on. He taught himself country lawyerin’ Matlock style, and thus began his political career.

The very first assassination attempt on a U.S. President was against Jackson, when an unemployed painter aimed a pistol at Jackson and misfired. Jackson whipped out his hickory cane and proceeded to beat the poor idiot of a man about the head so severely that members of congress had to pull Jackson off.

No gentrified country leader, Andrew “The Mob” Jackson had many organizational “ties.” He set a group of his “friends” (actually PIRATES) to defend New Orleans. The British attackers totally freaked at the undiplomacy of it all that they ran yelping away with their tails between their legs, not knowing what to do without the customary honor and decorum of a political leader.

Jackson was in over 103 duels in his life, fighting with someone almost DAILY.

The most famous run-in was for shooting a man who looked at his wife, Rachel. Oh, and Rachel? Whoo boy, he married her while she was still married to another man. I don't want to be sued since I know bloggers get sued so I won't say something about what I heard about someone being still married while getting married, I just won't say it. Even if many people are...

Old Hickory held his Presidential ball on the White House lawn, and invited the entire nation– because remember? He called himself “the president of the people.” His wife wasn't there, she stayed in a hotel away from the White House instead. Are these deja vus only freaking me out?? The White House was trashed inside and out, and Mrs. Jackson was nowhere in sight.

Jackson was the only President to leave office with the country in the black and the entire national debt paid off by strong arming other countries into paying back every cent they had ever borrowed from the US and for saying the US would be made a fool of NO MORE.

Like I said, it's not just me who sees the similarities between P7 and P45. P45 has chosen Jackson as his idol/inspiration. It is Jackson's portrait that he's chosen to hang square in front of his line of vision in the oval office.

To guide, inspire, and sing to while he looks up, We did it ourrrrrrrrrrrrr waaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
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1 comment:

  1. Andrew Jackson had his faults. There is no argument for that. But…should we be horrified that he took part in the American revolution? That an anecdote records him as not backing down after being assaulted while a prisoner of war? Should I ascertain that when an assassination was attempted it would have been more gentlemanly to stand back and offer the perpetrator another chance? Maybe he should have offered him a more reliable firearm.
    Can you report a source citation for this? [national debt paid off] “by strong arming other countries into paying back every cent they had ever borrowed from us” I have always been under the impression that the country was not really in a position to loan money as it was still in debt from the war of 1812 and some debt from as far back as the Revolution. I was apparently misinformed in believing that most revenue came from high Tariffs implemented on imports in the south. Also that the debt was paid off due to Jacksons policy of extreme spending cuts, some of which were thought to be detrimental, and to land Speculation in the West that initially brought in revenue that paid the debt but later crashed causing a financial crisis around the time he left office. However, since we’re following your narrative, perhaps his “friend”, Lafitte, stole the Black Pearl, sailed it to the Island of Misfit Toys and carried them back, made a killing selling them on Ebay and used the money to buy his pardon. Agreeing to fight the British in exchange for the pardon was a cover story. Jackson then used the money to pay off the National Debt.
    According to known accounts, Rachel Jackson left her 1st husband and had assumed he acquired a divorce. Later it was found that he had filed but it had not been finalized. When this came to light they were legally divorced and the Jacksons remarried. They had been married 40 years when he became president.
    During his campaign Jacksons adversaries viciously used this to attack Rachel. She was humiliated and vilified within the press and society. She preferred a private life to the public eye but was suddenly thrust into a national frenzy concerning her most private affairs.
    That hotel room she was hiding in during the Inauguration must have stank something awful because Rachel had been dead for over two months. She had a heart condition and it’s said that the vicious attacks on her, coupled with the death of her son, led to deep depression during the campaign and ultimately the stress resulted in a heart attack. She died just as they were due to leave for Washington and was buried in the dress and shoes she had chosen for the Inauguration. Her epitaph reads: “ A being so gentle and so virtuous slander might wound, but could not dishonor.” Apparently 189 years later she still cannot be left to rest in peace but must be beset with internet bullies. Don’t worry though. Dead people cannot sue you for slander.
    As to the inauguration, Jackson was in no mood for it. Arrived and escaped as quickly as he could. An unexpected throng arrived that they were not prepared for. According to some stories the steward began serving people outside in an effort at crowd control.

    I absolutely see some parallels here but I suspect they aren’t the same ones you see. But no worries. I’m sure you will be a great addition to the staff in the Minitrue of Oceania. Congratulations!
    No hard feelings I hope : ) I just have this thing about history being…well…true.



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