Son, Now That You're 18, There Are Things You Should Know

Dear beautiful firstborn child,

Happy birthday!

Today you turn 18. As the dedicated parents we are, we know that to serve you well, there are some things that we need to tell you. The most important being that your father and I truly adore you. You make us beam with pride and we are beyond fortunate to be your parents.

When you walk into a room, it's hard for me to not stand up shouting "It's him!" and start clapping -- so I've quit trying to stop myself. Your father's punch to your arm is his way of saying he loves his world because you're in it.

And today you turn 18.

As of 1:39 pm today, I will be living with two men.

You'll be leaving for college much too soon and I'm going to stick my head in the sand about that for awhile longer, but in the meantime, your father and I would be doing you a great injustice if we did not tell you the things you need to know now that you're an adult.


Please keep this information from your younger brothers awhile longer, won't you? Here we go:


The Truth You Need To Know Now That You're 18:

• When we ask you "Were you born in a barn?," we really don't care what you answer. We only care that you close the doors because the cold air gets in and we pay for heat. That's all. I'm not even really sure about the paying for heat part, but your dad says it because his dad said it. One day, you'll say it too.

• No one has a money tree. I know we ask you to "look outside, you see a money tree out there?" like some people have them and some people don't. We are sorry if we ever made you hope that maybe someday we'd be a family that had one.

• I know we've told you "the trouble with trouble is that it starts out as fun." Not true. When you get to college you'll realize much too soon, trouble usually starts out as trouble right off the bat.

• You really won't fry your eyes out and need new eyeballs put in if you sit too close to the TV. It may affect your vision if you spend megahours doing it and you're superyoung. But for the most part, you don't need to go out and buy that eyeball surgery insurance.

• Wet socks will give you Vietnam rot. Lord help me I don't know why we'd say that to you when you'd walk in soaking wet after a soccer game. Seriously. All we had to do was say "take off your wet socks." And also, as if you wouldn't??

• Getting a cavity hurts worse than I can ever tell you. Well, it hurts a little. We just wanted you to brush your teeth. Sure, if you let it go long enough it will, but you guys just keep brushing and flossing twice a day and seeing the dentist every six months and you're good to go. 

• Monkey see. Monkey do. Have you ever seen this at a zoo? No. Not too much imitating. Mostly just ignoring us and random screeching once in awhile. We'd say that when we didn't want you to be a sheep following the pack. Just be yourself, never mind the monkeys.

• Don't read on your back with your book held up in front of you. I don't why the hell not. Ignore this from the past 18 years. 

• If you ever decide to smoke a cigarette be sure to have a cellphone in one hand ready to dial 911 and a cigarette in the other because you'll hear your lungs crackle as they burn up. YES. I KNOW WE SAID THIS. Please try to forget the visual we've scarred you with for life and just know this: cigarettes are bad for your health, not overnight, but cumulatively. And you can spend your money on organic broccoli and pesto instead. Better choices, see? 

• And how many times have you heard this one? You are the most wonderful beautiful smartest boy in the world. Well, maybe not to other parents, but to us, YOU ARE. 

Happy birthday, wonderful child, we are proud to say that you are our son (this one? so true).

* * * 

Want to read more on teen parenting? 
--You can catch me here this week on mommy. com  talking about Society and Raising Boys.
--And here on Care. com where they interview me and ask about our house rules for teens and cell phones.

Deemed Unsafe

When we were homeschooling a few years ago, my short husband, a/k/a youngest son, and I were on a group field trip to a huge pizza-making factory. I, and the other parents on the trip, were assigned our own child plus five to watch. I've always been lucky enough that my boy is crazy about me and sticks to me like glue, so I had no worries about whether or not he wanted to be with me. I also had absolute confidence in my abilities and zero concerns about losing any child in my care -- I've always been very responsible. However, based on who knows what criteria, there was something about me that pushed a fellow chaperoning parent to the point of her having to ask me every 20 minutes during the two and a half hour tour, So, all your kids with you?

Yesss. All six.

20 minutes later, same question, So, how many kids with you now? 

Still. Six.

I think I know what it was that weighed on her and made her twitchy: my group was having fun, lots of it; the usual faces back and forth and imitations of tossing pizza dough up in the air and missing it. I behaved on this trip and promised myself that I wouldn't get defensive with this woman, no snarky words would slip out.

You know Gloria on Modern Family? Not a Colombian exaggeration. Push us enough and you'll hear about it. But I bit my lip and kept it all inside because my son had asked me to, as all three of  my three children usually do when they set out the Rules We Must Follow On Field Trips This Means You, Mom speech given to me pre-public appearances.

This mom had her own child with her in her group, so the issue couldn't be fear of losing him via me. My son also noticed her apparition-like appearances, the Ghost of Nosiness Present. His heavy sighs were timed at the exact moments as mine in response to her questions. I saw him roll his eyes as we'd sense her approach. I saw him with the identical fake tight lipped smile skill I have come to perfect. As soon as the six in my group and I would begin with the enjoyment of an afternoon together, she'd be over in two seconds like she had heelies on.

By the end of the trip, she had me chomping my gum like a 1930's mobster to keep my mouth quiet. More than anything, I wanted to say What the heck already, lady … enough with the Amber Alert with my group. Does it bother you that much that we enjoy a few snorts and chortles here? When it came time to board the bus back home, she floated to the front of the line where we were like Casper the meddling ghost.

All your kids here before we head home? She queried.

Yup. All six. Still.

When my son and I found our seats in the middle of the bus and sat down, I looked at him and made cross eyes, slumped my shoulders, shook my head, and maturely stuck my tongue out. He covered his mouth and giggled. I know, he then whispered seriously, shaking his head and crossing his own eyes in a perfect unintentional imitation of me. I. Know, he continued, What the heck, right? Instead of keeping on asking you if you lost any kids, why didn't that lady just say I'm worried about you losing kids because you don't behave like a normal mom.

I sputtered out laughing. If the adorableness next to me at that moment was the end product of being raised by a socially suspect woman, then I don't think I have ever felt prouder of being deemed unsafe in my life. 

Hmmmm... now who'd Baby E learn that face from?

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**Twilight without Edward Cullen? Please let it not be true....details on my post today at Sprocket Ink.

Sunday Best - How Do You Decide To Homeschool?

If someone had told me 15 years ago, that one day we would be a homeschooling family, I would have stared at them bug-eyed and insisted that they had the wrong crystal ball.

I had firm ideas and opinions about homeschooling, the foremost being that it was not for me. I'll be honest, I couldn't understand why someone would decide to homeschool.

That was, until our family became a family of homeschoolers. How does such a change in personal conviction take place? What is it that found us arriving at this lifestyle choice for our family?

My husband and I have always been book a week heavy readers. Our home, from the beginning, has had piles of books bedside, sofaside, coffee table piled up to here, with books.We are a family of readers.In a very unromantic, yet  prescient act, we had both packed books for our honeymoon. Without consulting each other: we just assumed that we'd find time to read. Leisure time meant reading time.

After our children were born, within the first twenty-four hours of bringing each of our 3 newborn boys home, we held a book in front of their little faces, and read to them. There were as many books scattered in the toy room as toys themselves.

At three months old, our children were grabbing for books, and chewing on the covers. Nine months old found them crawling over to their own low level bookcase that we kept for them, and pulling out a book of their own.Yes, it was only to chew, but the recognition of what a book was, and where it was kept, was there.

At fifteen months old, they would open the book, look at the pictures, then make their way to our laps, handing us the books they wanted  read to them. As time went on, and we began our weekly trips to the library, we had already begun what we didn't recognize then, as informal homeschooling.

Our children would excitedly choose books of their interest, and we would sit at the library, criss cross applesauce, amidst piles of books, and read, point, look. They’d become immersed in a certain topic, say, anything bulldozers--and we’d delve further. They would ask questions, and we’d go find out more together. Soon, our reading together at the library about bulldozers evolved into a field trip to a quarry, and then a hands on activity of making a bulldozer out of torn construction paper bits, renting a DVD on construction site equipment, and then a discussion at dinner on all the different types of bulldozers we had learned about.

Time marched on and our oldest had reached the age where we began to look at preschools. As the majority of families do, we made appointments to see several sites. We'd visit a few schools, but our oldest son would always comment at the end of our stay,  that he felt as if he never had the chance to do any of the things he had wanted to. And so it continued, the same reaction, at all the other appointments, too.

The preschool teachers we consulted felt that it might be a good idea and appropriate for him, if we were to wait another year before starting him in a formal education setting. One year soon became two years. We were now at the kindergarten stage. We had scheduled three visits for him to sit in a kindergarten classroom. With each visit, I’d pick him up, and he’d confess that he really wanted to be home, learning what he wanted to learn more about.

After much discussion and research and meeting with other homeschooling families, we decided to take the plunge and begin kindergarten at home. We would see how it would go. No firm time commitments were made. We would just see and test it out for one year. I remember the happiness on my son's face when we told him of our decision.

There was such excitement in my heart as we began our first day of learning at home. And familiarity. It was what we had been doing all along.

Is this a permanent commitment for us? We decide year by year.

Is this just for the time being? Perhaps.

Have we decided to homeschool every year? We will decide this on an annual basis.

The liberating thing about homeschooling is that it is up to you and your family to determine for how long, and for what grade levels you will homeschool. If we had decided to do this for only one year, it would’ve been wonderful. If it had only turned out to be for six months, that would have been a blessed time in which I truly got to know my children, and their learning style. It was, and is, win win for me.

We are a homeschooling family--it's right for us. And we decide year by year, whether we will be a homeschooling family in the year to come.

There is no perfect answer, no perfect environment, no black and white. We don't homeschool because we are pro anything or anti anything. To me, this lifestyle we’ve chosen has brought our family a deeper level of happiness,closeness, and knowledge of each other that I don't think we would have known otherwise. We began homeschooling in 2005, and we are still homeschooling in 2010. This works for us now and we will decide whether or not to continue as long as all of us feel happy and satisfied with the style of learning we’ve chosen.
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This post was originally prepared for mamapedia. I was so thrilled when they decided to publish it.  If you have a subject you'd like to write about for mamapedia, you can submit it for review.  Good luck!

Things You'd Never Guess About Grapes and A Name Change*

Li'l E's* Food Group Report on Grapes

*Li'l E:  "Mom, how much do I have to write about grapes?"

Mom:  "As much as you can remember. You know, just go back and remember what we read. Write all that down."

L'il E: "But, Mom....that's so much stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuufffff."

Mom:  "Just do what you remember. What makes grapes, grapes. Why they're important. How unique they are, the different kinds of grapes, why we like them...all that you remember. Just close your eyes and pretend I'm reading to you, and write that down, alright?"

L'il E:  "But, Mom....there's so much to wriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite."

Mom:  "Do what you can, what you know, about grapes."

L'il E:   (voice brightening up a bit too suspiciously)  "Mom, can I use pictures?" 

[yes, readers, I totally missed the alert message on this red flag. Should've been paying more attention to the "loophole alert loophole alert" message being sent ...]  Yah. And since I was not listening with both ears and brains,  I said....

Mom: "Suuuuuure, Li'l E. Go ahead. Pictures will be great."

[famous last words]

And, so, you see, Dear Reader, this is why we have the wonderful Food Group Report on Grapes above, telling you all about the different kinds of grapes:

Mommy Grapes
Baby Grapes
Grapes on Parade
Grapes Rolling Down A Hill
Grapes Hiding in a Box
Grapes Standing on Their Heads
Grapes SideView
Grapes that are Happy Grapes


*IN OTHER NEWS: This will be the last post entitled Baby E posts.

Name Change Explanation: *sigh*. I do not like negative comments. I do not like negative emails. I do not like people worried and concerned that I am treating Baby E like a baby and not letting him grow. I have received emails and comments this month letting me know that I am screwing Baby E up royally (royally...just couldn't pass that up)  by calling him Baby E.

In my culture, "baby" does not mean, a literal baby. It means, "my little one."  In this case, meaning is lost in translation. But, the concern about the concern about Baby E concerned me enough that we will publicly change Baby E posts to Li'l E posts.

Publicly. 

In the castle, he shall remain,  Baby Emperor.

Mamapedia Post Today

I know it's Day 3 of Stay-At-Home BlogHer '10, and I do have my final closing remarks set up for us BUT BUT BUT I just found out that a post I submitted to mamapedia is published there today.

If you've ever wondered how we became homeschoolers, but felt it was too personal a question to ask, because you're all about the manners here when you come to the castle, then here's the post for you.

Please stop over and see the wonderful community of informative and thought-provoking contributors that make up mamapedia. If it's your first visit there, it'll go on your daily blogroll.

Thank you so much, and think of all those poor, poor tired BlogHer ladies, while we are home just beaming with radiant, well rested skin, and bright eyes lookin' all fresh from the sleep we've had. In our own beds. With no roomies. Or worries of bedbugs.

Ahhhhhh, don't we look good today!.....hope to see you at  mamapedia!

I See The Future

SETTING:

Books on living room floor, all open, Baby E. skimming and poring through the new picture history books on Latin American history. We'll be studying this over the summer, as well as learning more about how we came to live in this country and about Baby E's heritage. Baby E. is fascinated with the fact that he is Hispanic. [I am first generation American, and my family is from South America.] I think my exact words were, "My blood runs through your veins! My people are your people! My ancestors are within your DNA! Your future comes from your past! It is who you are and who you will be and I am you and you are me and Viva! Simon Bolivar!....", (pant pant wiping sweat from brow)......words along those lines.



"Hey, Mom, I really like these history books you got us for the summer. They're so neat and cool."

"I'm so glad you like them, Baby E. We're going to learn more about my family, and you, and how you're part of my family from South America. I love history, too."

"Yeah, like, mom, this book here? It's ultracool because there's even a picture in here of me and what I'm going to look like when I grow up..."

"Wait, what? Baby E., let me see that...what are you looking at?"

"See, right here, mom, this guy...."


Baby E excitedly walks over a copy of The Mexican Revolution, for grades 6-9., holds it up for me to see,

open to this page:




Pancho Villa, Mexican Revolutionary


"Mom? Mom? Are you laughing or crying, mom? Mom????"

Uglydoll and Other Stuff That Kids Will Love

It's Monday, and Baby Emperor's post day. Last week, he promised a Summer Shopping List. I was in charge of R&D, specifically transportation and finance. He speaks, I type:

Hi. This is Baby E now. Today we're going to go through my list of stuff. My mom says I have to explain what I talk about first.

What my mom does when we're done with school, is the day after we're done, in the morning, she fills a basket for me and my brothers with stuff. Mostly books, like these Uglydoll books.

She gets us the stuff first, and then when we wake up and come downstairs in the morning, the basket is there for all of us with a note about summer. She makes us read the note first. And keep it. It's most of all books for the summer, but she puts in fun stuff for when it's late or cold or raining or boring. We keep the basket in the front room or classroom all summer. We call it the Summer Fun Basket and it makes the first day of vacation fun. I love getting our basket. I wake up super early when I know it's the day of the basket.

We went to the store yesterday with my notebook, and we walked around and wrote down what I hope is in my basket and stuff we liked. She said I could pick out some stuff for me for my basket.

*There's a rule now that we have to say that no one gave us money to buy this stuff or tell you about it. That's true. No one did give us money, and we have to pay for what we buy with my mom's money. No one gave us any stuff.*

First, books. This Ugly doll book comes with 4 of them, a set, but you can buy them like only one. And they're really cool. They're funny and so funny you will laugh. Even my big brothers laugh, and my mom laughs. They really are funny and only 5 dollars, right, mom? And you get to see all the cool Ugly dolls. They're easy to read. The website, but it has to be the official one, is fun.

I'll only do some stuff today because I found 3 pages on my journal of stuff I want. So, I'll only do, like one page, of stuff I want.

Well, and there's these Diary of a Wimpy Kid books, and they're ridiculously funny. They have stick people pictures that are funny. They're easy to read, and the words are funny. This website is funny, too.

Any maze books. All kinds of them.

New swimming goggles that match my new style. No more babyish shark ones.

Gear battery bubble maker with a gigantic bottle of bubble stuff. That is fun all the time.

Velcro ball and mitt set.

Soccer balls.

Basketball that glows in the dark.

Any sprinklers, and lots of them, so you don't get bored. Buy all the fun ones.It's fun to use more than one at a time.

Glow in the dark frisbees.

This big orange bike that I saw that I know I won't get, but I still want it. It was awesome. It's my favorite color. It matches my new style. The reason I want is because the bike I have was my 2 brothers' bikes already.

A new bike helmet that matches me now, I don't want my one with fish on it anymore.

Quirkle board game.

The new colored Connect 4 game.

Digital battery drumsticks that play drums in the air. I really want that. I really want that, hear me, mom?

PixO's making kits.

All the Bendaroos kits.

All the Backyardigan DVD's.

Mario Brothers for Wii.

Nintendo games of Starfy, and Kirby.

SpyGear night goggles.

SpyGear Micro ear gear.

Any Legos set. Especially the Atlantis ones.

Battle Strikers Turbo Tops.

More sidewalk chalks with the stencils that come with them. My mom buys us gardening kneeling pads for our knees for outside.

Any water Slip-n-Slides. My mom calls them Slip-n-Dies.

Any water blaster guns. Especially SuperSoaker. All kinds so your friends can have some when they come over.

Any Nerf guns. Get lots of them so your friends have some when they come over.

A pool.

A snow cone maker with lots of syrups. Get 4 packs and all the flavors.

Model Magic presto-dots. They make cool monsters.

I like card games, like Blink.

A pop-up tent or tipi for outside for when you want to lay outside and play and have shade. And for having lunch, too, or popsicles.

**************************

That's my list. I hope I get some stuff I really want in the basket.


And, also, ...I don't like my mom's summer pajamas. They look like she just had a tonsillectomy. I had one, and my adenoids, too, and they made me wear a dress like that!

Sometimes I like to hang extra long floss to go from between and across my teeth so the strings hang down the sides of my jaw and walk around to my brothers and say "I'm a nutcracker."

Look in the mirror. You really do look just like one, but you have to make your jaw go up and down at the same time.

Bye. Next time I will tell you about the baby socks my mom makes me wear.

Next week I'm going to tell you that funny stuff.

Bye.

My New Pajamas and Plus Some Extra Stuff

Baby E's Post of The Week: I type, He speaks:

First off, these are my new pajamas. I don't like this picture because it looks like I don't have any teeth. I do.

OK, and here's the stuff.

First, this is called "Einsteiny Stuff.":

I do a lot of Einsteiny things. Not just me, but my brother does, too. The most Einsteiniest thing I did do was stepped in the shower with my socks on.

My big brother can't kinda remember the difference in the faces of his 2 principals. They're both old and with white hair.

And my brother got in the shower with his underwear on.

Once my brother came down in Einsteiny clothes for church. He put on a pair of socks that went up to his knees that were black. My other brother put on dress shoes with his basketball shorts for going out.

My mom stops us when we do this and says, "Einstein OK in the house, but not when you open that door and walk out there."

Second thing: "The Arm Trick:"

Sometimes I like to pretend that there's no blood in my arms and then I swing them around and start whacking everybody and people and then I say, "I can't stop my arms cuz they don't have any blood and I can't feel what they hit." I'm the only one who has fun and laughs when I play this game. Nobody else laughs and I'm pretty sure I know why.

Next one: "Scaredish movies":

Yeah, we watched War Games and there was this part that I knew was going to be scaredish because of the music. I put the blanket I keep on my lap so that when I hear the scaredish music come on I know to cover my face.

Next one: "Commercial Ideas":

You know how the commercials have "Sham-wow!" for sale? I asked my mom if those work like the guy said they did and if they're expensive. I think they should be called "Scam-Wow!" because stuff never works like they say it does on TV. We bought the dryer balls on TV and my mom finally just gave them to us to play with.

Last one: "Awesome Me":

I am becoming a man because I looked at my arms and I have little hairs on them. You can't hardly see them but when you pull them you feel it--ouch, I just did it--and that means they're there.

Next week I want to talk about the creepy dictionary book I have to use in school, and about how to buy stuff for your kids.

Bye.
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Note from Mom: Bless you all for following this little guy. I don't change a thing he says.
xoxo Empress

If The Name Is Lame....

It's Monday, which has become Baby E's Post of the Week Day. He owns this. He speaks, I type, here we go:

Baby E:


Well, my dad was supposed to upload the picture of me in my new pajamas, but he said he ran out of time. But, I asked him a week ago, I think he could do it.

This is a picture of me about to score a goal. I scored 5 goals in my game on Sunday.

This is how I know how to get ready for the other team:

I look at the schedule, and look for the team's name. If the name is lame, like they're called "The Bananas" and they have yellow jerseys or something like that, then I know they'll be easy to beat. Sometimes, if their color jersey doesn't even match their team name, then I know they'll be even lamer. Like, if they're called "The Earthquakes" and their jerseys are neon green, then I know superlame. Because if your team is called "The Earthquakes" then the jerseys for your team should be brown or orange or red like an earthquake.

My team is called "Revolution" [oh yeah!] and we're purple. And,yeah, we're purple and it fits our team name. Like if I saw the schedule with a team called "Revolution" and then I saw they were purple, I know they'd be hard to beat.

If they're called something like "The Sharks" and their jersey's color matches their team name, like navy blue, then they'll be like superhard and cool and then I know I have to be ready to play extra hard and supergood. It'll be an extreme game.

Next week, I'm going to have my dad help me post a movie about me scoring goals and there will be a shot of me doing the impossiblest goal of all: a side shot! The way I did the side shot is I decided to boot it in because the goalie was way in the front, and I snuck behind all the action. And then it was clear, and I got it in. The other team was amazed at how I did that. And all of my teammates started high 5ing me and stuff like that.

OH! AND THIS NEXT STORY IS UNBELIEVABLE!!

Wii called me OBESE! This is what happened: I was doing Wii Fit, and not the Wii. And I checked my weight to see if I was healthy, by standing on the balance board, there's a bar that moves up and down on the screen, and you wait. And then it made this sound that went "wah wah waaaaaaah" like the sound a game makes when you are losing, and then the screen said OBESE in this red box. And the bar on OBESE went to the top, like you couldn't go anymore higher for more obese, that's how OBESE ("Mom, put in airquotes") but that's how OBESE (airquotes) it said I was. Mom, how much do I weigh? ("You weigh 62 lbs, honey").

My mom got mad and said, "you're not obese!" And then she said there's no way that she'd ever get on there because she says her butt is big and the Wii would probably explode.

Also: on Mondays, I get my superpowers at 11:11 each morning. They last only until 11:23. I can do anything super good in that time. So I run outside and kick the ball into the soccer net. Sometimes I count how many times I can run in one spot as fast as I can.

Mom. Hurry up. It's almost 11:11, right? Almost superpowers! I can tell when it's almost 11:11 because I have spidey sense and I just know it. My mom always says, "How do you know it's almost 11:11?" and I say I just do.

Bye. I have to get ready for 11:11.

Oh, wait! I have to say thank you to 2 ladies my mom knows who gave me awards. Oh yeah! My first blogger awards. I called my dad and told him.

The first lady is The Mombshelter. She gave me the Sunshine Award. Thank you.

The second lady is Cheryl@Deckside Thoughts. Thank you.

What It's Like Giving A Spelling Test To A Boy

SETTING: Kitchen table, typical homeschool morning. Baby E and I sitting together:.

ME: "Alright, Baby E, we need to get our review spelling test done first thing this morning...."

BABY E: "Noooooooooo......[groan groan] I want to do it later. Can I at least keep my Bumblebee costume on? It helps me think faster and better."


ME: "Yes. Yes. Keep it on. We're going to do the review first now, so that way it gets done, then we can do the fun stuff you like later."

BABY E: "Alright..."

ME: "OK, now, remember, I'll say your spelling word first, then you give me back the word using it in a sentence, to show me you know what it means. So, I'll say the word, then you repeat it and use it in a sentence, then the last step is to spell it. That way I know that you understand the meaning of it, and not just how it's spelled. Ready? Let's go..."

ME: "First word: COT."

BABY E: "COT. The kid was COT stealing candy. COT."

ME: "No..no..no..COT. A small bed.."

ME: "Baby E, are you sure you studied?"


BABY E: "Uhhh...yeah, kinda..what do you mean by study?"

ME: "Never mind. Next word: CUFF.

BABY E: "CUFF. "Cuff 'em, guys" said the policeman."

ME: "OK *sigh* .. . alright, I'll take it. Next word: CUT."

BABY E: "Oh! Goody! "The man was all CUT and bleeding blood from trying to get out of the handCUFFS!" CUT. I used two of the words, mom!"

ME: "Hmmm...Ok, let's just keep going...next word:.GAS."

BABY E: [titter titter teehee teehee *sighing*] " GAS!" [titter titter] "I have.... GAS!" [explosive laughter]

ME: "Oh, Baby E....baby e, what am I going to do?? Next word is GUM. And let's try real hard to give me a good sentence this time, alright?"

BABY E: [giggle giggle breathless chortle] "The man had nothing but GUMS left in his mouth cuz he ate only candy and his teeth ROTTED out!. GUMS."

ME: "Well, let's just finish with this. Now,  there's not much you can do to this next word. GIANT."

BABY E: [full blown hysteria]"The GIANT stepped on and smooshed and squished and splatted flat all the little people in the village till they were squished  flat! GIANT!"




And that's only one third of the words from his list, only one third. This is my life, people. This.is.my.life.

Tomorrow......The World!!!!

I don't think I've ever met so many kind, and encouraging people in my life, as when I started this blog. After Baby E's debut post last week Wednesday, there were so many kind requests for more Baby E , that we decided to make Mondays his day.

Do you all know how to make a kid beam or what? And do I have to tell you how high he jumped? And how loud he yelled? Here he is, after I told him the news.

Yup. You'da thought it was Christmas or something. Here's his take on the latest from how he sees his world. It's his perception, and that's the one that counts to him, right?

And, sincerely, bless you all for how special you made this little guy feel. He's walking ten feet tall now. To quote him, "I feel like some superstar, from a movie or something."

As always, he speaks, I type:

"OK. Here we go: this is the stuff that happened since last week. First of all, I lost my tooth. Now, to the real business:

Wait. There's so many stories. There was Photo Friday Fight and then there was the Hoarder's Episode and ..my brain is still dusty, but it'll get undusty in a couple of minutes.

Well, then I'll start with the Photo Friday. Photo Friday was preeeeeetttttty crazy.

OK, so we went to blankplace on Friday and we got some pictures taken of me cuz my mom likes to get pictures of us when we don't have any teeth in our mouths. So, we go to this place and went in and we had an appointment and then you won't believe what happened.

And then this crazy walk-in lady said a lie about having an appointment. She said, "I don't know what time my appointment was for, but I'm next." And then my mouth just dropped open. And so, my mind said, "whaaaa?" And they listened to her and said, "next." And she went in. Then, after like an hour, we were still waiting. Then there was a photo of a picture of a lady and the sign said, "we would love to hear of your visit, call us" so and then Mom saw it and said, "I'll let them know how my visit was" and she called and called and told them she was waiting for an hour. When it was finally our turn, my mom asked the lady, "is it better if we just walk in?" in her pretend nice voice, and then she said, "because just tell me, and I'll do that next time."

OK. Now we're going to "the Hoarder's Episode." This morning, Mom was complaining and throwing stuff around cuz there's like a gameboard on the floor in this room, and the coffee table has Legos on it, and she bought some pizza mixes, and ordered 12 boxes, but each box had 4 packs in them, so now we have 48 boxes of pizza mix and Mom said, "where am I going to put all this stuff?" and I was like "stick it under the desk here" and she said, "Under the desk?! Do you want us to be the next Hoarder's Episode?!" And I spit out my juice on my pants.

Bye. We're going now, to the store, to make a list of things the Tooth Fairy can leave me.

Mom, now, we're done. Don't go looking around at more stuff like you always do."

You Oughtta Know.....

Our youngest, Baby Emperor aka Baby E., has just put his foot down. For the past two months, ever since I began this blog, it seems that whenever he speaks I RUN and grab one of the blog tickler notebooks I have stashed all over the house, in anticipation of ...well..blog fodder. He has noticed this.

In my defense, the boy doles it out continuously. Today, finally, he has declared his limit. After an incident this morning, he saw me running for the notebook in the laundry room. I heard him shout after me, "Don't put that in your blog, either!"

So, in all fairness, it is his turn to turn the tables today. He speaks, he dishes out the dirt, he airs the dirty laundry. Here is all the scoop that Baby E finally gets to voice. It's His Turn....buckle your seatbelts and put up the lap tray...

I swear to type the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, as dictated to me by Baby E: I am his fingers.

"Mom has a crazy chocolate problem. I have to stop her from getting any in stores. Like The Chocolate Factory place here...she wanted to buy a little paper bag there for 6 dollars. She'd eat worms if they were covered in chocolate. She is crazy. Well, not really crazy, but pretty crazy.

She also likes coffee. Like another crazy problem. She always has it. 24/7. I have to stop her all the time from her friends inviting her. Well, she doesn't like tea, though. Yeah...not so crazy...but pretty crazy.

She always runs away from librarians. (whispering: Mom, can I tell the part about why?) OK. This is the part about why: cause she always has late fines cause she didn't finish the book on time and she has to finish. So she hides in the car and I have to go in the library for her. Well, see, for instance, yesterday I was walking out of the library and I happened to have a librarian walking out with me, and Mom practically stomped on the gas when she saw me walk out with the librarian. When I got in the car, I heard lots of deep breathing and like, so, ummm...she sends me in to do her dirty work.

She fights with people at the bank (whispering: can I tell the part about the bank thing?) OK. Here's the bank thing that happened yesterday. I was sitting down reading books at the bank, and all of a sudden I heard this, "Nuh-uh " "Yuh-huh" "But this is supposed to be a free bank!"
And I went over and heard mom say "what do you mean you won't put in a check cause it's from a different country??" and something like that.


She is awesome. She is funny. We laugh. She loves me. She makes me do school. I don't like the math part.

I'm done, mom. Can I please have lunch now? I really wanna have lunch now. Like really now. Like I need to...dying of starvation. dying. really dying this time. Don't make it late like you did yesterday, either."


Score. Tied.


"MOM! LUNCH!!"


WARNING: Though Jessica Bern is one of the funniest woman in the world, she is NOT for the faint of heart. Or those averse to... well, don't have the kiddies around, that's for sure.

Your Minds are Mine Forever.....Bwaaahaahahaha

It's Teacher Appreciation Week, May 3-7. Let the special teacher/teachers in your children's lives know how much you appreciate the love and time they invest in your children. Yes, this includes you, my fellow homeschooling moms! You count!

Here's the festivities that I--er, I mean, we--have planned. For me. For today. Since we homeschool, I am our children's teacher and The.Awesomest.Teacher EV-ER!

The kiddies have been sent outside to collect flowers for me, The Teacher's Floral Bouquet special. Cost: priceless, of course. After said flowers are collected, they must assemble the assorted mix in a manner that is grouped according to the color wheel, and then by size congruence. Bingo. Just crossed art and spatial relationships off the list for today. Yes!

After flowers are artfully arranged and displayed, an accompanying card of heartfelt worship--um, of thanks--must be lettered, addressed, and delivered with a kiss to teacher. Yes! Check penmanship, check language arts. This day is flying by.

Weather is gratefully cooperating (Thank you, God) so recess shall be extended today (translation: teacher gets an extra half hour of coffee and emails). I hear no complaints.

Festivities shall end with a Thank You speech from Mom:

"Children, O Children: my life begins and ends with you. As I've confessed many a time before to you, I've always been mediocre at everything. But, at being your mother and teacher? Well, in that, I have excelled. Thank you for the privilege of having me be the one to teach you to read, the one to teach you the love of history, the one who brought the bible to life in your heart, the one..."

"Whaa?? Hey, mom, I thought you said you taught us to read so that when you're dead we'll burst into tears at the sight of a book cuz --waaaah--we'll be all like, "sob sob....'tis my dear mother that taught me to read.."

"Yeah, well, that, too.'"



HAPPY TEACHER APPRECIATION WEEK TO ALL THE TEACHERS OUT THERE!

And, oh children of mine, remember, with this morning's breakfast, I like my toast just slightly crunchy, and buttered to the ends.

Thank you for the gift of teaching you, getting to know you, and forever being the one who drifts in the background as you silently read to yourself. It's been a blast.

With Love, Teacher

Flaming Skulls in the Sky

Setting: typical homeschooling morning. Kitchen table.


Baby E: "Mom, can we go to the park now?"

Me: "No. You know we have to finish math before we do anything at all today. Remember I told you that this morning?"

Baby E: "Can we do only half math? Can we have a light day of school? And then go to the park?"

Me: "No. We have to do a full day of school today. We had two field trips last week, and we have to get caught up. We don't, I don't, want to be doing school in June. Now, let's get this math going or else 6 PM will be here before we know it and we'll still be sitting here with this book open."

Baby E: "Can I have some skittles while I do my math?"

Me: "Absolutely no more sugar today. That's why you keep jumping in and out of your seat. Done. Sugar is done for today. No more sugar. And we have to eat lunch before we have any snacks, anyway. That's the rule."

Baby E: "Can you make pancakes for lunch?"

Me: " I already set up lunch for today, last night. We're all ready to eat as soon as you finish your math. No pancakes. Math, then lunch."

Baby E: "If I finish all my math, will you give me a prize?"

Me: "No. No--now, please, settle down, stay put, and let's get going on your math. And let's finish it."

Baby E: "Mom, can I just take a little break now? To get my wiggles out?"

Me: "Alright. Take a break ---but a quick one---and get your wiggles out. So that they're all out. Then, it's math. Math. And nothing but math. And I can hear you if you try to sneak into the skittles, so don't even try."


Sweet, sweet quiet ensues for the next 20 minutes.


Me: "Alright, honey. Time to get back at it..."

Baby E: "Mom. Look. I made a new comic strip. I'm using you as the model for the super villain. His name is Phantasmo, and he's the ruler of good mixed with evil. See, he's saying, "I must do what I must do..." His cape is a flaming skull and cross bones, like a pirate ship.

This is you coming...the flaming skull and cross bones that's on fire in the sky.

I'm drawing a moustache on you...I mean him."




Me: "You know what? I think skittles at the park sounds like a great idea right about now...let's go. We can double up on math tomorrow."

The Curious Case of Benjamin Baby E Button

The following occurred last week, while Baby E had an age appropriate friend over for a visit. It is while overhearing the following conversation exchange between Baby E and his friend, that I realized that perhaps Baby E spends a bit too much time with his mother.


GUEST: Let's have a snack or sumpin'...


BABY E: Absolutely! It is mid-morning, and if we have a snack now, our blood sugar will have enough time to even out before lunch.


GUEST: Ummm....ok....then...


BABY E: Let's have something light and refreshing, like apple juice and graham crackers. Sweet and tart is a wonderful combination!


GUEST: ........


BABY E: Here you go, here's your plate and cu......


GUEST: ooops....sorry...I spilled the juice...

BABY E: You're just lucky, young man, that this is dark carpeting.



Yeah, I think I'd better step up the play date schedule...

Bil Keane Had It Goin' On

Many of you will immediately recognize the above cartoon, Family Circus, and think of its creator, Bil Keane. You will easily recognize the "Not Me" ghost pictured here. Not Me was often accompanied by his partners, I Don't Know, and Nobody. These 3 were always present at the site of broken vases, spilled juice, or after mud had been tracked into the house.

As a child, around the age of 8, I'd read Family Circus in the comic section of the Sunday paper. The bright colors of the strip, along with the guaranteed quick read in a few sentences always caught my eye, but every time I'd read it I'd think, "Lame. lame lame lame lame. Lame." I'd then announce to the closest person, sometimes to just the air, "Family Circus is so dumb." Heavy emphasis on the last letter "m," followed by an eye roll.

Last week, while at the library, my 8 year old son came across the Family Circus Treasury, the bible of Bil Keane's work. He had found it on the shelf, while looking for the cooler, hipper comics, like Foxtrot, and Calvin and Hobbes. The cool hip stuff was out, like much the rest of cool hip stuff in life is. So, he picked up the Family Circus, drawn to it by its simple white cover with a large colorful circle in the front. He had never heard of it. We took it home.

He sat on the sofa, feet up on the coffee table, flipping through the large volume quickly he pronounced it, "lame-o, lame-o, lame-o." It fell to the side of the coffee table.

I picked the heavy book up from the floor later that night, and sat and leafed through it. I began laughing. Like hard laughing. I went to show my husband. He recognized the cover, and remembered, "Oh, yeah, him. I always thought it was so dumb."

We sat together and read. And laughed. Family Circus was wasted on the foolish youth we were. We have now grown into Family Circus. It is for the parents we have now become.

Later that night while cleaning up the kitchen, my bare feet stepped on some sticky ketchup that had been left on the floor, right in front of the refrigerator, where it was visible to anyone. Anyone. "Who spilled ketchup all over the floor?!," I shouted. Boom. I had become the short black haired Mom on Family Circus. All 3 boys came running, and right on cue, they began down the line."Not me," said the oldest. "I don't know," said the middle boy, "Nobody," said the youngest.

Bil Keane, Sir, please consider this my public apology here to you, today, in front of the world. Bil Keane, you were not lame! In fact, you rocked at this parenting gig!

And to Family Circus, to quote the Na'vi in Avatar, " I see you! I see you!"
****************************************************
Bill Keane is now 87 years old and is happily living in Arizona, enjoying the heck out of the children of his 5 children. He has also graciously accepted my humble apology.

Dead Sea Whaaa?

During Spring Break, rather than having a single destination, we had decided to stay home, and do a little bit here and there. Down time combined with Fun time. We were all up for it. I did not tell the boys the next day's agenda, and they would find out the day's plans on the morning of. Surprise makes any occasion a special one. Every morning, we'd wake up, and the boys would ask with true enthusiasm, "Where are we going today?" All plans were happily accepted, especially by Baby E., who loved doing anything that was new. With every announced plan at the breakfast table, he'd shout, complete with fist pump, "Yes!"

We'd all clean up the table, get ready with what we needed, and we'd be off.

"Mom, where's our trip today?" asked Maximus. I couldn't wait to tell them, "We are going to see The Dead Sea Scrolls!" I went on to explain how I had to order the tickets for the exhibit 2 weeks ago, and the exhibit was on loan from 4 separate museums, along with private collectors. This exhibit had taken years of international negotiations, and had cost a great deal of money in terms of insurance and being on loan. They were fascinated. Baby E seemed to just ponder the information, with a quizzical look in his eye.

"This exhibit contains articles that are over 2,000 years old!" I had all their eyes and ears. "These articles were stored in tall clay jars. A shepherd found them when he was throwing rocks down a cave. He said that every time he threw a rock into a cave's opening, he'd hear the shattering of a clay pot. " They stared at me, waiting for my next word. "All in all, they found 11 caves full of these tall clay receptacles. When they opened the jars, do you know what they found? They found some contained the Dead. Sea. Scrolls." Still no peep from Baby E., I did find it odd that he did not cheer today's announced event. Oh, well, perhaps he had become jaded by all the fantastic fun mama had planned all week.

We were packed and ready to go, our chatter continued on in the car. "Mom, how did they hold the scrolls together?" one son asked. "Mom, how do they know they found all the scrolls?" "Those are all great questions, and we can ask there. The exhibit holds all the Dead Sea Scrolls. Just think, over 2,000 years old! And we get to see them." I glanced in the rear view mirror, trying to zero in on Baby E's face. He was just taking in the conversation, but not with any excitement in particular.

We finally arrived at the museum, were able to park close enough, and rushed in to pick up our special "Dead Sea Scrolls" exhibit tickets at the WillCall Box. "Ah! here are the tickets! Let's go!" Everyone ran ahead, but you know who was just dragging his feet. "What is wrong, honey?" I studied his eyes for a hint. "Nothing. But, are you sure every one wants to see this?" he wondered. "Oh, yeah, this is huge," I explained, "Big stuff. Like the kind of thing you'll tell your kids about."

He walked on, not saying much, holding my hand. We waited in our assigned queue for the 10:30 exhibit showing. "There's a lot of people here, aren't there?" I said, in attempts to get a conversation going with him. "Yeah. I just can't believe everyone wants to see this." he sounded so skeptical. "Of course," I said, "who wouldn't be interested? Just think, 2000 years old!"

Baby E was quietly chewing on his upper lip, as he does, when he just can't put the pieces together. "Mom, is that all we're going to see?" he wanted to know."Is that all?, I echoed, "Oh, gosh, we'll be here an hour, reading about the discovery, and how they pieced everything together. You'll like it, honest. I'll tell you about everything we'll look at. We'll even get the audiophone guided tour, too, alright?" He still didn't seem too reassured.

The velvet ropes were unclasped, and we were allowed to enter. There was the mystic music, and the sand dune background. There were the placards, and the pictures, and the stories, and finally, at the end, the clay jars! And the Dead Sea Scrolls!

Baby E. stood in the middle of the exhibit, "Well, where are they?," he sounded more than just a little perturbed. "They're all right here," I answered, "now, shhhh, please." "No, where are the dead sea squirrels that they found 2,000 years ago? You said we were going to see them today."

Parents: 'tis wise to explain terms one takes for granted as an adult, such as "Dead Sea" not really being something physically dead. And, hello? but why would a little guy know what a "scroll" is anyway. Makes total sense to me.



Exhibit A-----The DEAD "sea squirrel" as in, the amphibious creature that lives both on land AND sea, and that has been DEAD for 2,000 years.

Hasten, Children, The Hour is Nigh

Me: "Children, get thee down, do not be as fools!"

2nd Oldest: "What is she talking about?"

Oldest: " *sigh* I think she wants us downstairs for breakfast."

Baby E: "Do we have to come down already, Mom?"

Me: "I have my raised my voice to you, yet you have not quickened your step. You think that all is well, but I have asked you to complete the task assigned unto you---and yet it is to be seen!"

Oldest: "Alright, Mom, we're coming down....but we have off today, and all week, remember?"

Me: "Slovenliness? You speak of slovenliness? I have not languished in my bed, and yet I am renewed of strength and spirit! I strike while the hour is present, I have shown you this ten times by ten times, so you may see it as truth. But you still have no faith in my ways!"

Baby E: " Mom, I don't want to have breakfast now. I want to just stay upstairs and play with my Legos for awhile first."

Me: "Laughter? Play? You shall hear neither until our tasks are done on this day. And when your stomach cramps with hunger, then where shall you look for what was once laid before you? No, child, no, I warn you to be careful of which master you choose to serve."

2nd Oldest: "We'd better go downstairs, I know her, she won't stop."

Me: "Do my sons refuse? Is it because I am a simple woman? Is it because I do not strike fear in your heart? No, it is not fear that I want you to act upon, but love....yes! love, for what else is there for me to give? Children, come, come! That I may quench thy thirst, and warm your bellies with that which I have labored to set before you."

2nd Oldest: "*sigh* Don't tell me, let me guess, Mom's been staying up late watching The Ten Commandments again."

Oldest: "Yup."

Me: "Come, my oldest, for my love for you is stronger than any fierce wrath which you may have, O my teenage son. Come to me, all my sons, arise! to greet a day, let us go forth, let the trumpets sound! and let us surrender our hearts to the treasures of a day of which we have never seen!

The Caravan awaits to take us to our journey. We must go with all speed!"

Baby E: "Does she mean get in the car?"

Dream Interp 101

What does it mean when you sit up in bed at 5:17 a.m. like you've been hit by a bolt of lightning from a real as life dream where the van you're driving, which isn't your usual green one BTW, but some other van you've never even seen before, is speeding down your residential street at some unnameable speed, and not the legally posted 25 mph that you always do and the steering wheel is powerless in your hands?

What does it mean when you wake up from this dream on the Friday morning before Easter Sunday. The Easter Sunday that is 2 days away, and some 10 give or take relatives are due to come for dinner, and you haven't even swiped a counter, or dusted a table, or swished a toilet yet? When you haven't even penned out the grocery list yet, much less planned the menu, or shopped for it?

Could this dream have anything to do with the awesome Easter baskets that you're famous the "house-over" for, the very baskets that your children have been talking about for days, the ones that you always have prepared and they just can't wait to find all the clever clues tucked here and there in the house, that lead them to these heavenly baskets bursting with everything they can imagine? The wonderful baskets you haven't even pulled out of storage yet?

"Probably just that cold pizza you ate right before you went to bed," offers my husband. "Just go back to sleep." Maybe he can go back to sleep, but I know I can't. I fling back the covers, my heart still pounding from the dream. "I'm no dummy....I took Psych 101...I know exactly what that dream means," I mutter to myself. I throw on my cleaning clothes, pull my hair back in a rubber band, and decide I'll begin with the toilets. I can mentally do the grocery list while I scrub, and I'm pretty sure that within the next 24 hours I'll remember where I have the Easter baskets from last year...



HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!!


****************

I do have a preoccupation with toilets, and their cleanliness. The following will explain it all: I live with 4 males. Not as sexy as it sounds.

And It Made Her So Very Happy

There once was a family made up of three boys, one father, and one mother. Now, this mother was not like most mothers. Oh, she loved taking care of her children, and cooking their special meals, and kept the house in order just enough as needed, but she also adored the first day of April. She would wait the entire month of March, just for that month to end, so she could finally have her beloved day.

The children who lived in this house with this mother, already knew to go to bed, hiding their alarm clocks so she couldn't sneak in on her hands and knees and set the time to wake up to 3 a.m. They already knew to hide their shoes so she wouldn't fill them to the brim with pennies. And they were sure to never use the soap dispenser on that first day of April, for there was no doubt that it would be filled with maple syrup. These things, the ones they knew of, they were prepared for. What kept them lying awake during the night, with one eye open, was the unsettling question, of what their mother had thought of during the day while they were gone to school. This, they could not anticipate, so the three boys decided to all wake up at the same time on the morning of the first day of April, and to come down the stairs together. There would surely be safety in numbers that way. And so, it was agreed upon, on the night of March 31, to meet at the top of the stairs in the morning. "Careful," the oldest cautioned, "remember last year - when she filled the cereal box with plastic ants."

The oldest boy woke up first, only to find that his entire room had been filled with balloons while he slept. He quickly jumped up, moving the balloons out of the way, and prepared himself for the day, for surely, there would be more of his mother's antics. The second oldest boy opened his eyes, only to spend the first 5 minutes in alarming confusion as to why he would be waking up in the downstairs guest room. The third son, the smallest one, the one who had taken great care to hide his toy dinosaur, lest his mother dress his toy in doll clothes as she had done the year before, alas awoke to his dinosaur being made into a princess during the night.

The boys all met their mother who was already in the kitchen, preparing breakfast. Upon seeing them, she asked "Would you like one or two snake eggs for breakfast, and how many alligator sausages?" She then poured white milk into glasses in which she had placed dots of blue coloring at the bottom, and they all watched the blue swirls work their pattern up to the top.

The mother turned and asked her children with excitement, "Were you surprised???" to which they all answered yes, and they smiled and laughed and she said, "that makes me very happy." And it did. The youngest boy laughed the hardest, with the knowing anticipation of the rubber spider that awaited his mother, at the foot of the shower.

I have always loved April Fools Day, and my children know that. I heard them earlier tonight, promising to each take turns keeping guard during the night, so I couldn't prank them this year. Too late: it's already been done. I carried my middle son downstairs while he was sleeping, and he'll wake up in the guest bedroom. I have blown up all the balloons for my oldest son's room. It pains me to tell you that Baby E's little dinosaur now has pink baby doll clothes on. Why? Because hearing them laugh and talk and remember pranks from the past years makes me so very happy. Happy April Fool's Day!!