Wednesday, January 28, 2015

I'm Havin' a Freakin' Heart Attack


We are supposed to live to about 72. If you divide that in half, and 36 is your middle age, then, my friend, guess what? You are now this side of Middle Age. More than halfway through your life. Sure, it would be easy to pretend that 40 is the new 30 or, um, 50 is the new 36, but no matter how you mathify it, it's on. Middle Age is here to stay in your life.

Still think you can remain in denial? Forget the math then -- find out the truth your answer, by taking this specially tailored comprehensive quiz compiled by an on-that-side of middle age expert: *coughthatwouldbemecough*

1.  The fashion headbands advertised on your Facebook sidebar look adorable on the 18-year-old model, but make you look like Crazy Mary who used to sweep the bridge downtown during rush hour.

2.  Red fingernail polish and red lipstick may be in style, but on you they’re Cruella Deville.

3.  When you walk downstairs in the morning your knees sound like pop rocks.

4. There was a time when a tankini and skirted swimsuit were enough, now you need a burka.

5.  While grocery shopping you blissfully hum and skip to the piped Muzak version of “I Got You Babe” by Sonny and Cher.

6. Lift more than four grocery bags at a time and your brain actually starts shouting “I’m Having A Freakin’ Heart Attack!”

7.  You shoot dirty looks at cars driving alongside you with their bass pounding to Kesha.

8.  After shooting the dirty look, you pull over, *safety reasons*, and call in a complaint to the non emergency police number reporting the Kesha-loving driver. (extra middle age points if you politely stress the non-emergency part of the phone call)

9.  Your kids see pictures of you from twenty years ago and ask who the pretty lady is.

10.  The face you see looking back at you in the mirror isn’t yours, it’s your childhood Aunt Rosita's.

You can keep your answers to yourself, of course, but ask yourself this:
Does your neck look like your knee?

Welcome to the club.

* * *

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25 comments:

  1. God. I'm just hatting my neck. Who knew it'd be one of the worst parts about all of this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My dad alway used to tell my mom you could tell a woman's real age by looking at her neck. WTH? Where's the mystery and romance? Men should not be armed with such information. Period.

      Delete
  2. I've never ever worn red lipstick of nail polish. I've always been old. Sigh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Try it. Especially a matte lip paint. It's truly magical. If you're under 50.

      Delete
  3. you been listening to my knees? ha.
    thank goodness i gave up red lipstick a long time ago...

    ReplyDelete
  4. There is no getting around age showing on the neck and hands. Ugh! And I'm the one wondering who that young girl is in the old photos. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why didn't we know we were GORGEOUS?

      Delete
  5. You mean sing Sonny and Cher out loud even though the Muzak has no words, right? Yep. All me.
    When did headbands go so wrong? I'm horrified to even wear one when I wash my face. Because Crazy Mary is in the mirror looking really rough.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HAHAHAHAHAHa! you are so funny. xo

      Delete
  6. I've said it all along: 0-30 = youth, 30-60 = middle age, 60-90 = old age. IF YOU'RE LUCKY. Claim it. Live it. A 35 year old middle ager makes the label look good, just like a 65 year old "old" person. Nothing to be scared of.

    Then again, I have the term "midlife" in my blog so maybe I'm just trying to get everyone else on board.

    ReplyDelete
  7. And what on earth am I supposed to wear?!?!?! Am I too old for Old Navy? Do I need "separates"? Please say I haven't reached bedazzled kitty sweatshirt age...please.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know. I just wear my husband's pajama bottoms.

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  8. I love Muzak now. My high school self is weeping with disdain.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's true!!! I was humming along to I Got You Babe.

      Delete
  9. Omg, girl... sometimes (like always) I feel like your posts should come with a warning. "Do NOT read while drinking any kind of beverage lest you'd like your keyboard and computer screen to be covered in it." Because of lines like this: "Does your neck look like your knee?" I may have just frazzled the ol' Mac for good :)

    Uhm. I also hum along to Sonny and Cher. But also to Ke$ha. What does that mean? AM I CAUGHT IN THAT STAGE BETWEEN MY DYING YOUTH AND THE OLD AGE HOME?

    Help,


    Charlotte

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When will I ever get to hug you, ????

      Delete
  10. I put on lipstick once and Finley wept as she pawed at my face, "No, mama, no. Where's mama?" Naked lips forever.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm transitioning from guys groping me for Hot Chick gropes to them needing a Mom Hug. Sigh.

    ReplyDelete

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