We are supposed to live to about 72. If you divide that in half, and 36 is your middle age, then, my friend, guess what? You are now this side of Middle Age. More than halfway through your life. Sure, it would be easy to pretend that 40 is the new 30 or, um, 50 is the new 36, but no matter how you mathify it, it's on. Middle Age is here to stay in your life.
Still think you can remain in denial? Forget the math then -- find out
1. The fashion headbands advertised on your Facebook sidebar look adorable on the 18-year-old model, but make you look like Crazy Mary who used to sweep the bridge downtown during rush hour.
2. Red fingernail polish and red lipstick may be in style, but on you they’re Cruella Deville.
3. When you walk downstairs in the morning your knees sound like pop rocks.
4. There was a time when a tankini and skirted swimsuit were enough, now you need a burka.
5. While grocery shopping you blissfully hum and skip to the piped Muzak version of “I Got You Babe” by Sonny and Cher.
6. Lift more than four grocery bags at a time and your brain actually starts shouting “I’m Having A Freakin’ Heart Attack!”
7. You shoot dirty looks at cars driving alongside you with their bass pounding to Kesha.
8. After shooting the dirty look, you pull over, *safety reasons*, and call in a complaint to the non emergency police number reporting the Kesha-loving driver. (extra middle age points if you politely stress the non-emergency part of the phone call)
9. Your kids see pictures of you from twenty years ago and ask who the pretty lady is.
10. The face you see looking back at you in the mirror isn’t yours, it’s your childhood Aunt Rosita's.
You can keep your answers to yourself, of course, but ask yourself this:
Does your neck look like your knee?
Welcome to the club.
* * *
Looking for more? I also write here: