Thursday, February 12, 2015

This, Is What I Want for Valentine's Day

Someone to exercise for me and then transfer their results to my body.

Cheap bras that hoist and lift like expensive bras.

11 vanilla bean cupcakes delivered to my door by 6 a.m.

Uninterrupted time to listen to This American Life.

A seductive mastery of the French language. Voulez-vous I'm so sexxee

Spanx that absorbs the fat and doesn't just take it and squish it up and out of my armpits.

No gas passing events during Child Pose in yoga class.

Miraculous healing of that wayward cock-eyed knee cap that won't face the same direction as the other one.

Children that find soccer uniforms on their own.

Soccer games that are canceled after just one rain drop.

Children who lose their taste buds and eat only to fill up empty stomachs and give up the pursuit of the tasty.

The eyebrows I tweezed away in high school to grow back.

Instant Facelift in a Jar products that really are instant facelift in a jar.
$15,000 Visa card along with a list of board-certified plastic surgeons and 4 days off, no questions asked.

That my hairdresser never, ever, but never, moves away.

Able to drop a highbrow reference to Shakespeare without people choking and sputtering.

Just one day of being able to dance like Missy Elliott.

People to never talk with glottal fry again.

My weight to go up like a feather but down like an arrow.
My therapist finally telling me, “Well, my work here is done.”
But, I'd happily accept my true heart's desire: a take-out bag of cheeseburgers from Jim's Grill with a concrete malt from Dairy Queen, and a hand-made card from my kids, telling me 1.) I'm the best 2.) There's no one like me 3.) How did they ever get so lucky.
Happy Valentine's Day to you all. Treat yourself to something special from your number one fan, you -- because who else knows more than you about what you really want.  
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  1. That is a great list. I am about to invest in duct tape for the girls because it works great and keeps them perky. That is, until the end of the day, but maybe I can buy some of that cheap impostor type tape that the glue will wear off after 8 hours. Might be like a Cinderella story. Or there is the possibility of keeping my spare tire so they keep them upright and poke my eyes out. Thus, the need also for me to lose some weight. Gee...too much. I know. Have a great Valentine's Day!

  2. I'll take no gas passing events ANYWHERE and eyebrows! Nice hair would be great, too. Oh, and while we're at it... a flat tummy... and energy... and...

    1. Eyebrows, how could I EVER have plucked them the way I did???

  3. Replies
    1. Thank you, Diane! Happy Valentine's Day to you!

  4. Every time you post, my comment is "This is my favorite thing you've ever written." I can't keep doing that, soooo: this is my favorite Valentine's Day list post you've ever written!

    You made me want to drop off cupcakes at your house; you reminded me of the first time a yoga teacher explained to the class "It's called Wind Release pose"; you made me need to google "glottal fry"; and you just about put me in my car here at 11 p.m. to go get a bag of burgers.

    I so adore you.

    1. We need to meet, J. xoxoxo Have no doubt, the feeling is mutual.

  5. I love your list. "Spanx that absorbs the fat and doesn't just take it and squish it up and out of my armpits." produced a loud laugh.

  6. May you get everything you wish for, because you deserve it. Happy Valentine's Day, my friend. xoxo

  7. what is glotal fry? is that like vocal fry?
    ha. well may you get at least one wish this valentines...



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