Never quick with a comeback, I'm also slow on the initial response time. Most things catch me off guard. I prefer to think of it because I'm always deep in thought, so let's leave it at that. Best explanation of all time for the following list of actual craziness that has left my lips:
1. "What are your hours?" I asked when I called the local police department. "Ma'am, we're a police station, we never close."
2. "If you don't wear your hoods up today in the rain you'll get wet." Shouted out to my teens, as they left to walk, in the rain.
3. "Gloves are good for keeping your hands warm. Wear your gloves if you want to keep your hands warm." To my poor children at soccer, it's no small miracle they don't turn around and have me hauled away.
4. "Let's make sure we get up early so we're not late." Duh, mom, why don't my kids ever just say DUH MOM.
5. "I lost that DVD I checked out last week so we'll have to replace it, huh?" Pretty much, Alexandra, when you lose a DVD from the library, pretty much they'll expect you to replace it.
6. "You guys want to eat something good for dinner tonight or should I just make something else?" Ummm.... mom, we think we'll take the something good.
7. "What happens if you give me the bangs you think I should have and I don't like it?" Well, then, dear middle age customer, I guess you just don't like it, because we don't offer glue back on hair services.
8. "This dress makes me look like I had a bunch of kids and then I never exercised again." Um, maybe because you had a bunch of kids and then never exercised again? Actually, no words back from 20something cute salesgirl, just blinking eyes, because.
9. "Do you have any running shoes that will make me run longer and not feel like I hate running so much?" Nope, nope, nope we don't. And if our store did have anything like that, we'd be the richest people in the world.
10. "Kids, come over here and help me, I'm trying to take a picture of myself but all the ones I keep taking make me look I don't know what the heck is going on." Mom, that's because you keep taking a picture, and you don't know what's going on.
11. "Thank you for being camp counselours at Boys State. My son had a wonderful time. Your mothers must be so proud that at your age, you give of your time like this." Said in front of my mortified 18 year old son, who leaned in and hissed, "MOM! One of them is a practicing criminal defense attorney and the other one's a West Point graduate and an Army Engineering Officer!" But they look sooo young....
12. "I'm going to put some socks on, because my feet are cold. Then maybe a sweater." Said while standing in front of the dishwasher because evidently now, I feel the need to announce everything to the world.
Not just me, right? Dear G-d, not just me. Please leave me your so-genius-only-I-know-it comment. You have one, right? *Please, right*
* * *
Me too. (So funny)
ReplyDelete:I think I'm going to have that cake: as she stabs that cake. xo
DeleteYes! I have said stuff like this and worse, although, because I'm slow, I can't think of a good one right now. It will come to me later just as I'm trying to fall asleep. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteLoved this post.
"That bus station is the coldest bus station, it's like 'here.... be cold' "
ReplyDeleteOh you wouldn't believe some of the silly stuff that comes out of my mouth. And my kids always say "Duh, Mom!" ;) I wish they had shoes to make me want to exercise more. Sigh...
ReplyDeleteEveryone, what we say, honestly, I am so glad I got my college degree when I did because no way I'd be able to earn it now. xo
ReplyDeleteMe. All the time. And so rare that I catch it myself. I taught the kids a sardonic phrase - "Alert the media!" - which I say whenever they drop news of virtually no importance. I never should have started it because they say it to me all day long.
ReplyDeleteI feel ya. There have been countless times that I thought back on what I just said (usually in front of a room full of people) and thought "thanks captain obvious", knowing that somebody, probably everybody was thinking the same thing. So frustrating!
ReplyDeleteSo many silly things have come out of my mouth. And I'm sure there are so many to come. Now I need to remember to write it down so I can make fun of myself. :)
ReplyDeleteNo, because I'm perfect.
ReplyDelete*then turns around and trips on her own trousers*
This made me LOL for real!
DeleteGood gravy, these are hilarious. I just this week said, "Hurry, guys. If we're late, then...then, well, we'll be late."
ReplyDeleteMost often, I interrupt myself halfway through a sentence to say, "Oh, geez, I give up," because I sound so incoherent by mid-sentence that there's no point in finishing.
Doesn't the stammering just get to you? I wonder what in the world those poor babies are thinking.xo
Deletesomething good or something else....hahaha....smiles...ok, too early for me to remember my own but i am sure i say them daily....smiles.
ReplyDeleteNumber 9, Number 9, Number 9. I'm still laughing at Number 9. I'd be a top runner if they only made running shoes that made running more bearable.
ReplyDeleteI say ridiculous things all the time but without children to laugh at me, I forget what they are. Of course, my husband has an elephant-like memory but he's good at keeping most of my bloopers to himself, unless of course it's to make me laugh at my own insanity.
Cheryl, how much do I love that I made you laugh (so much) xo
DeleteAll.The.Time. Incoherent thoughts are the only ones I let out of my mouth, most days :) Except I never thought to write them all down. I'm sure I couldn't recall them in their true absurdity if I tried. You rock.
ReplyDeleteHahaha. I can totally relate. I think out loud so often that any old thought just comes bursting out before I have a chance to "edit" it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!
<3
Hey, Renee: HOW ARE YOU? I need to come visit, so happy when you stop by, so I get to catch up. xo
DeleteOh the dumb things i have said. I block them all out so I only remember the smart things.
ReplyDeleteYou crack me up, Alexandra, and when I first read #1 I thought, "Why? What's wrong with that question?"
ReplyDeleteI know I've said a lot of dumb things and it figures that I can't remember any of them. (Add dumb to memory loss...) Well, this summer I told my 9 y/o to stop acting so juvenile. He said, "What's juvenile?" I said, "Like a child" and he said, "But I AM a child." Then he started cracking up when he realized he stumped me.
Another time I called him "Japan." I've called him everything from his dad's name to his female friend to my girlfriend's husband but it was the first time I called him by a country name...
So many reasons to love you even more!
ReplyDelete"Do you have any running shoes that will make me run longer and not feel like I hate running so much?" I'm looking for those running shoes too. Haven't found them yet.
ReplyDeleteI say silly stuff all the time. It's like my brain just shuts down, but my mouth just keeps right on going.
So glad I'm not alone.
ReplyDeleteMarianne, it's so good to see you! I know, we are becoming dotty old ducks, aren't we? I know I was never like this in college.
Delete"Why is everything so fuzzy? It's like I'm not wearing my glasses."
ReplyDelete"Um, honey. Your glasses are over there."
HAHA! I cracked up at the dinner part. I'm certain that I've said this a lot. It's fun growing old.
ReplyDeleteIn exasperation, I have told each of my children on several different occasions, "You're acting like a child." Uh, well, yeeaaaah.
ReplyDeleteOnce yelled -- screamed -- from the front porch: GOD DAMN IT, KISS ME GOOD BYE OR YOU'LL BE IN HUGE TROUBLE!!!! mom of the year, eh?
ReplyDelete