Wednesday, December 31, 2014

10 Trends From 2014 I Didn't Jump On



All about the bread, 'bout the bread, all gluten 
Most of 2014's trends were fitness trends, which means this post was originally titled 150 Trends from 2014 I Didn't Jump On. Instead, I capped it at 10, because the internet likes that. And in the interest of a fair and balanced review, I kept my exercise hating tendency in check. So, here are the Trends from 2014 that left me, meh.

1.) PALEO: While I love a good piece of butcher quality meat, no one is ever going to take my gluten away. I want all the glutens. Forever and ever, amen. The meat craze can go get crazy with someone else because I'm over here with a bowl of saltines dolloped with red raspberry jelly on my lap. All smiles and starch-comforted, how else is there to live?

2.) CROSSFIT: If CrossFit is the only way to be fit, then call me NoFit. No Interested too. I'll keep the reasons to myself, for three seconds. And then I'll tell you. I've had three children. Any sudden bursts of movement and it's not pretty -- not pretty looking and especially not pretty sounding. I also prefer to keep my bowel movements private and not witnessed in a warehouse.

3.)  UBER:  No, thank you. My safety is A-#1 priority in my life. I'm not calling a person I don't know (another way of saying *stranger*) to come get me and take me somewhere while they control the wheel.  Why? Because not everyone shares the same morals and values, that's why. Ain't gonna happen. No place is that important to get to. Two strangers in a car, one who is at command central while I'm in the back. Guess who holds all the cards? Hint: the one holding them is the one who's all in on this trend.

4.) DROP-CROTCH HAREM PANTS: I don't need a special cut pant to be trendy, my middle-aged butt already makes all my pants drop-crotch.

5.) PINK CAMOUFLAGE: I'm tough. But not really. I'm tough. But not really. I can't handle all that back and forth in my head. You are, or you aren't. I am, but not really... *and not only that, but you're not invisible, you know, not even in a pinkish way.

6.) THE WORD "BAE": This one wasn't my choice. I like the way it sounds, but my kids beat me to the punch and made it clear I was to never use it. No matter if they were present or not. As it should be, my bae... er, my children.

7.)  ELLO: Usually (always) I take awhile in starting anything new as it is. If it's something online, it could be weeks before I twist my arm and tell myself to get back into the 21st century. So, after Ello was splashed all over my Facebook feed with Jump Facebook's Ship Now! I took my trademark week and a half before I began googling youtube tutorials on Ello. Heh, it was gone. Just like that. Ello, good-bye.

8.) AERIAL YOGA:  Feeling weightless while suspended mid air on silk hammocks, sounds like the magic cure to free you from that which holds you down. Money, stress, relationships, too full a plate and not enough hours to get it finished. It sounds good, but I'm not paying for that. Not when I already have my own sensory deprivation tank slash floating on air unit. I call it my bed.

9.) BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH: Ah, this one was easy to pass on, strictly preference and the aesthetics of symmetry. Benedict may make others' grow dizzy at first sight, but I've never been one for a man with eyes up on his forehead. Nothing personal, just that I prefer a more quarter-planed face; eyes in this quadrant, and the forehead left just for that, the forehead.

And how could we forget:

10.) COCONUT OIL GARGLING: This was a close one. Remember, I called this trends I passed on, not trends I was nearly tempted with. This one almost got me. It had all the lure that calls my name: easy, effortless, no exercise involved, and cheap. Started by Gwyneth, all you had to do was buy coconut oil and gargle for 20 minutes, though the head of Goop would never call it gargling. The process was going viral under the practice of "oil pulling." Word games, making us conjure up visions of toxins being pulled from our polluted delicate systems via a coconut oil train. I thought about it, and then decided, 20 minutes? I can't even hold a smile for the camera for 60 seconds without my muscles spasming, how am I going to gargle for 20 minutes without ending up looking like Dizzy Gillespie for the rest of my life. But did I pass? In all honesty to you, no I didn't. I tried it. I now refer to it as the longest 20 minutes of my life.

I almost can't wait for 2015, imagine the trends I'll be able to pass on then. If I were a betting woman, I'd say all of them. Again.

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22 comments:

  1. We are very similar on a lot of these. Happy declining new fads in 2015!

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    1. Here's to another wonderful year of knowing you, Amanda. How I cherish your words. Thank you for all of them. friend. xo

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  2. I'm completely with you on 90% of these—but let me tell you something about drop-crotch pants: They are essentially daytime pajamas, SO freaking comfortable. (Plus, all that extra room for hiding gluteny snacks!)

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    1. But but but you say this with a youthful a**. THAT'S why you can pull the fad off!!! Happy New Year, friend!

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  3. I can't get past the name Benedict Cumberbatch.

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    1. That, THAT, is only the start, dear Susan. xoxo (I sent you an email. I hope you receive it!!)

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  4. Oh I forgot I signed up for Ello! I haven't gone back since. Oh well.

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  5. I love you so much, Alexandra. :-) My kids have reminded me several times what BAE stands for, but I keep forgetting.

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    1. Bae, but mostly you hear it from teen girls. I've heard it as in, a BF, or a Movie star they'd like to be their BF. (aside from this, how are you???)

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  6. I'm so 2013. I haven't even heard of 1/2 of these …

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    1. Nothing worth missing at all, dear friend. Happy New Year to you, tess. I'm so happy to know you!

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  7. Okay, so I JUST heard of #3 last week for the first time, not sure what this "BAE" business is and the last 2 have me totally stumped (unless I Google them, of course.) At least you know about this stuff... something I have to look forward to with having teenagers (soonish), I guess... ;)

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    1. Oh, they wlil have you IN THE KNOW. (and it's so much fun!!) I loved your year recap, Elaine!

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  8. I actually hate seeing the word paleo. SO OVER IT (though I never did get into it, I love my gluten too).

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    1. No carbs? Can I just ask that again? NO CARBS? xoxoxoxo

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  9. Now I have to go and find out what Ello is! I'm going to try to resist!

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  10. BAE. Snort. It's so... middle school girls wearing too much eye makeup.

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    1. I can't believe it myself but I have heard it. I have heard it in use, yes I have. I just... nope. can't. Happy New Year, beautiful!

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  11. No to Bae and Benedict Cumberbatch and not just because they both start with B. I don't get his appeal and Bae? You have got to be kidding me.

    Speaking of sensory deprivation tanks...I just heard on the radio they've got a water tank thing in Vancouver for people with first world problems to hang out in. I can't even.

    A very happy new year to you lovely lady!

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