You Oughtta Know.....

Our youngest, Baby Emperor aka Baby E., has just put his foot down. For the past two months, ever since I began this blog, it seems that whenever he speaks I RUN and grab one of the blog tickler notebooks I have stashed all over the house, in anticipation of ...well..blog fodder. He has noticed this.

In my defense, the boy doles it out continuously. Today, finally, he has declared his limit. After an incident this morning, he saw me running for the notebook in the laundry room. I heard him shout after me, "Don't put that in your blog, either!"

So, in all fairness, it is his turn to turn the tables today. He speaks, he dishes out the dirt, he airs the dirty laundry. Here is all the scoop that Baby E finally gets to voice. It's His Turn....buckle your seatbelts and put up the lap tray...

I swear to type the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, as dictated to me by Baby E: I am his fingers.

"Mom has a crazy chocolate problem. I have to stop her from getting any in stores. Like The Chocolate Factory place here...she wanted to buy a little paper bag there for 6 dollars. She'd eat worms if they were covered in chocolate. She is crazy. Well, not really crazy, but pretty crazy.

She also likes coffee. Like another crazy problem. She always has it. 24/7. I have to stop her all the time from her friends inviting her. Well, she doesn't like tea, though. Yeah...not so crazy...but pretty crazy.

She always runs away from librarians. (whispering: Mom, can I tell the part about why?) OK. This is the part about why: cause she always has late fines cause she didn't finish the book on time and she has to finish. So she hides in the car and I have to go in the library for her. Well, see, for instance, yesterday I was walking out of the library and I happened to have a librarian walking out with me, and Mom practically stomped on the gas when she saw me walk out with the librarian. When I got in the car, I heard lots of deep breathing and like, so, ummm...she sends me in to do her dirty work.

She fights with people at the bank (whispering: can I tell the part about the bank thing?) OK. Here's the bank thing that happened yesterday. I was sitting down reading books at the bank, and all of a sudden I heard this, "Nuh-uh " "Yuh-huh" "But this is supposed to be a free bank!"
And I went over and heard mom say "what do you mean you won't put in a check cause it's from a different country??" and something like that.


She is awesome. She is funny. We laugh. She loves me. She makes me do school. I don't like the math part.

I'm done, mom. Can I please have lunch now? I really wanna have lunch now. Like really now. Like I need to...dying of starvation. dying. really dying this time. Don't make it late like you did yesterday, either."


Score. Tied.


"MOM! LUNCH!!"


WARNING: Though Jessica Bern is one of the funniest woman in the world, she is NOT for the faint of heart. Or those averse to... well, don't have the kiddies around, that's for sure.

Your Minds are Mine Forever.....Bwaaahaahahaha

It's Teacher Appreciation Week, May 3-7. Let the special teacher/teachers in your children's lives know how much you appreciate the love and time they invest in your children. Yes, this includes you, my fellow homeschooling moms! You count!

Here's the festivities that I--er, I mean, we--have planned. For me. For today. Since we homeschool, I am our children's teacher and The.Awesomest.Teacher EV-ER!

The kiddies have been sent outside to collect flowers for me, The Teacher's Floral Bouquet special. Cost: priceless, of course. After said flowers are collected, they must assemble the assorted mix in a manner that is grouped according to the color wheel, and then by size congruence. Bingo. Just crossed art and spatial relationships off the list for today. Yes!

After flowers are artfully arranged and displayed, an accompanying card of heartfelt worship--um, of thanks--must be lettered, addressed, and delivered with a kiss to teacher. Yes! Check penmanship, check language arts. This day is flying by.

Weather is gratefully cooperating (Thank you, God) so recess shall be extended today (translation: teacher gets an extra half hour of coffee and emails). I hear no complaints.

Festivities shall end with a Thank You speech from Mom:

"Children, O Children: my life begins and ends with you. As I've confessed many a time before to you, I've always been mediocre at everything. But, at being your mother and teacher? Well, in that, I have excelled. Thank you for the privilege of having me be the one to teach you to read, the one to teach you the love of history, the one who brought the bible to life in your heart, the one..."

"Whaa?? Hey, mom, I thought you said you taught us to read so that when you're dead we'll burst into tears at the sight of a book cuz --waaaah--we'll be all like, "sob sob....'tis my dear mother that taught me to read.."

"Yeah, well, that, too.'"



HAPPY TEACHER APPRECIATION WEEK TO ALL THE TEACHERS OUT THERE!

And, oh children of mine, remember, with this morning's breakfast, I like my toast just slightly crunchy, and buttered to the ends.

Thank you for the gift of teaching you, getting to know you, and forever being the one who drifts in the background as you silently read to yourself. It's been a blast.

With Love, Teacher

Flaming Skulls in the Sky

Setting: typical homeschooling morning. Kitchen table.


Baby E: "Mom, can we go to the park now?"

Me: "No. You know we have to finish math before we do anything at all today. Remember I told you that this morning?"

Baby E: "Can we do only half math? Can we have a light day of school? And then go to the park?"

Me: "No. We have to do a full day of school today. We had two field trips last week, and we have to get caught up. We don't, I don't, want to be doing school in June. Now, let's get this math going or else 6 PM will be here before we know it and we'll still be sitting here with this book open."

Baby E: "Can I have some skittles while I do my math?"

Me: "Absolutely no more sugar today. That's why you keep jumping in and out of your seat. Done. Sugar is done for today. No more sugar. And we have to eat lunch before we have any snacks, anyway. That's the rule."

Baby E: "Can you make pancakes for lunch?"

Me: " I already set up lunch for today, last night. We're all ready to eat as soon as you finish your math. No pancakes. Math, then lunch."

Baby E: "If I finish all my math, will you give me a prize?"

Me: "No. No--now, please, settle down, stay put, and let's get going on your math. And let's finish it."

Baby E: "Mom, can I just take a little break now? To get my wiggles out?"

Me: "Alright. Take a break ---but a quick one---and get your wiggles out. So that they're all out. Then, it's math. Math. And nothing but math. And I can hear you if you try to sneak into the skittles, so don't even try."


Sweet, sweet quiet ensues for the next 20 minutes.


Me: "Alright, honey. Time to get back at it..."

Baby E: "Mom. Look. I made a new comic strip. I'm using you as the model for the super villain. His name is Phantasmo, and he's the ruler of good mixed with evil. See, he's saying, "I must do what I must do..." His cape is a flaming skull and cross bones, like a pirate ship.

This is you coming...the flaming skull and cross bones that's on fire in the sky.

I'm drawing a moustache on you...I mean him."




Me: "You know what? I think skittles at the park sounds like a great idea right about now...let's go. We can double up on math tomorrow."

The Curious Case of Benjamin Baby E Button

The following occurred last week, while Baby E had an age appropriate friend over for a visit. It is while overhearing the following conversation exchange between Baby E and his friend, that I realized that perhaps Baby E spends a bit too much time with his mother.


GUEST: Let's have a snack or sumpin'...


BABY E: Absolutely! It is mid-morning, and if we have a snack now, our blood sugar will have enough time to even out before lunch.


GUEST: Ummm....ok....then...


BABY E: Let's have something light and refreshing, like apple juice and graham crackers. Sweet and tart is a wonderful combination!


GUEST: ........


BABY E: Here you go, here's your plate and cu......


GUEST: ooops....sorry...I spilled the juice...

BABY E: You're just lucky, young man, that this is dark carpeting.



Yeah, I think I'd better step up the play date schedule...

First Love

You are my first born, my first love. You are 15 today, and the emotion of that makes my throat so tight I can hardly stand it.

We've learned everything together. You've pulled me through, and I've pulled you through.

I actually believed I knew what love was, before you were born.

There needs to be a new word invented, for the ferociousness of the feeling I felt for you, when I held you in my arms for the very first time. And saw your face for the very first time. I literally gasped, your eyes were so blue. It was like one of those camera shots, where everything else was out of focus, and only one thing stood sharp and clear and in the center: you.

I have clapped at every first that you brought my way. Everything with you has been new, fresh, wonderful. It's a trail of firsts, that we've both cut together. I marvel at all of it, how could I not?

It's been wondrous and exciting and scary and shaky.

There is a reason that firstborn children are leaders, and doers, and shining stars: because they were the first ones in their parent's sky.

I love you, Alexander....and my voice will crack if I attempt to tell you more than that today.

I love you. And you might taste the tears that fell silently on your sandwich this morning while I packed the lunch of my firstborn son.




Happy Birthday, my sweet boy!
How I love you, Alexander.