Tuesday, August 30, 2011

But, Do You Really Want To Be Normal?



I like to take my children places and not tell them where we're going.

They call it kidnapping. Tomato, tomahto. They pretend to hate it. I don't think they really do because in the end, it always turns out to be a memory.

Determined to wring the last loveliness out of summer, I blindfolded the three of them and drove to an undisclosed location, I took them to a place where they found themselves waiting to ride a zip-line.

Don't google it - the first thing that comes up is a video called "73 Stitches and What Went Horribly Wrong!!"

Predictably, the sixteen year old was mortified when he realized our destination, "Mom ... look around. Do you see any other moms doing this? Show me where you see some other moms doing this. You won't. Why? Because it's crazy. You're crazy."

"Honey," I asked him in surprise, "Have I EVER said I was normal? Have I EVER been normal? Why are you even wondering why other moms aren't doing this? Have I EVER done anything that other moms do?"

Without having to think too long, the fourteen-year-old and the nine-year-old answered, "She's right, you know."

And so their day of being held without ransom began--and ended--with the nine-year-old summing it up this way, "Just another day of life in a house like ours."

That's right.

Too much time has been spent in my life, trying -- and failing. To be normal. Normal, I am not.

Tonight, I offer you this evidence; as I am sitting here typing, I am snacking on a head of lettuce. Whole, like an apple.

Oh, stop it--it's been washed.

Sometimes my children will come downstairs to find me running in place. Why? Because I like the tingly feeling in my legs when I'm done.

They no longer even notice the sound of my feet pounding on the carpeting at 11 p.m.

But, let's just say, for the sake of looking at all possibilities: let's say if I were given the choice of being NORMAL. Would I take it?

I couldn't say with certainty that I would.

I've got layers like an onion, I know, I know: I think I want to be normal and lament not fitting in; but then, at those moments when I'm being clear blue honest with myself; I'd have to answer "no."

Where would our zip-line moments come from, if I were normal?

Where would the memories of the mom who'd run in place because she liked the feeling, come from?

They'd miss a shopping cart with four heads of lettuce in it for the week.

True enough, there are some days where it's impossible to believe that not fitting in can ever be a good thing. But trust me on this ... stay WHO YOU ARE, you will not be sorry.

Some day, your kids will begin to tell a story about you, and they won't be able to finish that first sentence without a laugh they can't control.

My children ask me at least three times a day, "Are you okay? You're acting weird again." I'm used to their question.

They will ask, but there is no trace of alarm in their voice.

I have thrown in the towel on blending in, I surrender, I know I will never be the one that slips through without a notice.

I will, instead, one day be one-hundred-and-three-years old, sitting in a double diaper that has been soaked through, laughing and talking to myself while I stare out a window in wonder of the life I've had; and if one of my children happen to be there blessing me with their company, I will stifle a laugh with my gnarled fingers and whisper to them, "Remember that time I may have peed a little on that five point harness when the zip-line took off??"
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81 comments:

  1. I cannot even tell you how much I love how UN normal you are. I had to laugh about the running in place..really? You like that tingly feeling? I am only beginning the days where my kids are discovering my true weirdness. We told our kids they were going to a CORN festival last summer and we talked about how fun it would be and had them convinced up until the point we parked at Indiana Beach - let the kidnapping continue - this year they have zip lining across the lake, tell me should we go?

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  2. A fun home. I would like to try on that lettuce.

    Sometimes my children would say stuff like, Mom you're acting like a teenager. Or silly Mom. I enjoy it, never wish for anything else.

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  3. I think we are SO MUCH alike. Besides the fact that I have a 17, 14 and 9 year old (also a 9 MONTH old!) I also am extremely weird. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

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  4. I spent many a year trying to be 'normal' and it got me no further ahead. So now I do what makes me happy and what I like and if that makes me weird than so be it. At least I'll be remembered and make people laugh. It can be at my expense, I don't mind. If there were more people like us I wonder what 'normal' would truly be?

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  5. My (grown) kids will tell you that I'm the one shouting the 254,862 reasons zip-lining is dangerous and that I don't want them to become one of the statistics. Oh, and not to touch that harness, because some insanely crazy woman peed on it!

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  7. Wish I could run in place. I don't need to zip line.... piddling is a sneeze away, or one trampoline jump, and for sure a jog on the spot would do the trick. You are one lucky woman, Jogging on the spot whenever your heart desires. You're boys are so darn lucky. Now just to find some daughter in laws who have known crazy, and are used to crazy mothers...hmmm... you know...it's just too perfect. We'll call when she's allowed to date. Which according to The Agronomist is when she's married : )

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  8. A-MEN!
    Here's to all the not-normals in the world!

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  9. I want to be an unnormal mother like you too!

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  10. OK, now I miss you more than ever. I can so clearly picture all of this in my mind.

    Your kind of "not normal" is simply wonderful, my dear. And besides, normal is highly over-rated.

    Don't ever change.

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  11. Being normal is NO fun. Enjoy your non-normalcy.

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  12. See? Why do I love the internet, and blogging? Because of all my nonnormals here with me.

    Raise the glass, let's have a toast!

    Our children will survive, and walk away more interesting people.

    You are all so awesome.

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  13. note to self...make sure they wash the 5 point harness before my turn...smiles. no way do i ever want my kids to think i am normal. on kidnapping...i am being kidnapped thursday...by my wife....got no clue what is up other than i am to clear my schedule for 2 days...kinda cool being unpredictable...

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  14. Oh you are a gem, aren't you?

    Love you.

    That is all.

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  15. I originally found you through your guest post on SPDBN and have been following you quietly from the wings. But I've got to say after reading today's post that we really are kindred spirits!

    You go with your bad self lady... and you take those kids with you!

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  16. I wasn't born from normal roots and I never thought I would ever be normal. This will probably either cause my future children to hide in clothes racks in stores when we go into public or have them putting massive bras on their heads right along with me! Although, I do have to say that I found your head of lettuce thing a bit weird...

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  17. Love it! I laughed so hard at the end. Normal? How boring. One day the kids will appreciate our attempts to weave craziness into their lives. I guess it should say Good Day Irregular People but then people might assume we need more fiber in our diet.

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  18. This is so great. YOU are so great. I feel so many kindred areas with you. I often tell my kids, "so sorry if I'm embarassing you honey, but someday you'll look back and say you had the best mom ever. I swear!" I yearn to make life adventurous without risk for them - shw them all the life has to offer withouth having to resort to dangerous things (you know, like when they're teens). I LOVE that you took them ziplining. What an awesome mom you are.

    Eating lettuce while typing? Weeelllll, let's just say our similarity doesn't extend to that. ;)

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  19. My sister took her daughter and our nephew from Japan ziplining just last month. They didn't mind the ziplining as much as they seemed to mind the nature.

    Kids.

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  20. I agree! A toast to nonnormals! My kids love it now, but had to act like they didn't. Now neither of them are normal either. My work is done.

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  21. Well at least you were cool enough to pee a little on the zip-line. I sneeze peed in the middle of school supply shopping and had to go home to change.

    Now about that head of lettuce................

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  22. LOVE this!!! Seeing I am not the only one. My mom - ever since I was a teen - has constantly told me how weird I am. I love that about myself now. Like they say, normal is just a setting on a washing machine :)

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  23. Wait! I didn't know I was taking advice from a crazy lady. You really should have warned me.
    m.

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  24. Once, I was in church, and I smelled something funny. Not the kind of smell one smells at church. I turned around and there was a woman sitting there eating a head of cauliflower. Whole, like an apple. Turns out she was crazy.

    But I am certain that this post has nothing to do with that.

    P.S. You sound like 'fun mom' to me. My kids wish they had 'fun mom'.

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  25. seriously love the fun memories you are creating with your kids! What a fun post to read. definitely inspires me to not care what others think and to just be me! :)

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  26. Slight warning on the lettuce: once found a hibernating tree frog between the leaves near the heart of the lettuce.

    Just saying.

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  27. Normal is completely over rated. I mean, what's normal about half the things moms do?

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  28. I was supposed to zip line in Hawaii back in 05 but chickened out because I was due to have surgery in India in the beginning of 06 and was convinced I would make my situation worse.

    I was wrong and have always regretted it. Whatever damage I MIGHT have done would have been undone in surgery. Hindsight.

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  29. I'm going to start running in place. At home, at least. Maybe not so much at work. I do need to keep my job maybe.

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  30. First comment here but definitely had me cracking up with the ending. It's amazing the kind of memories you remember from childhood.

    Keep being yourself and now I feel like its time for me to go give my mom a call!

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  31. OMG! Your kids are so lucky!!! What a kick ass mom!

    See this is what I will tell my son when I pick him up from school looking like a pirate. He's lucky too dammit! There's no fun in normality!

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  32. I hope I can be an awesome abnormal mommy like you as my kids get older! And for the record, I like eating lettuce by the head, too.

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  33. Bloody brilliant. Your last line, especially, had me laughing. I think going sip-lining makes you about the coolest mom ever.

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  34. Oh my goodness, I absolutely ADORE zip lines.

    I'm terribly, terribly envious.

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  35. Oh, you all crack me up.

    We need to have some sort of non normals conference.

    BlogHer is great and all, but my people, my people, take me to my people.

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  36. I so love that you went zip-lining (and took your boys). :)

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  37. You are...everyday and in every way, MY HERO ...omg I love you!!!!!

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  38. I'm dying right now because in my lap is a bowl with an entire bag of steamed brussels sprouts that I'm eating with a fork for my snack.

    True story.

    And normal is overrated.
    Or not.

    Depending on where and/or who you are.

    As for me, I say bring on the aberrations.
    Life's too short to pretend to be something or someone you aren't.

    Zip away, mama. Zip away.

    Because looking down at the earth from a rope high above the ground can provide more clarity than any view where your feet are planted on the ground.

    Or maybe it's just a lot of fun.
    Or both.

    Either way, brussels sprouts are delicious.

    True story.

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  39. "Have I EVER said I was normal?
    I knew there was a reason I subscribed :)
    You are craaazy fun XX

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  40. There is no fun in normal. I'd much rather have a playful, laughter filled house!

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  41. I so enjoy reading your blog. You and your children are making some great memories:))

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  42. I don't think you will be surprised to hear that I also zipline. And who is the "Normal" mom these kids speak of anyway? I've certainly never met her. I've met "Boring Mom", "Pole Up the Ass Mom" and even "Highly Medicated Mom" but "Normal Mom?" Pretty sure they made her up.

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  43. I knew I liked you, you big weirdo!

    Normalcy is highly overrated. If I didn't mortify my kids on a regular basis, I'd be very disappointed in myself.

    Rock on in that soaking diaper, lady!

    XO A.

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  44. Do you salt the lettuce? I don't either.

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  45. I am really getting excited about starting/hosting a We are Not Normals party.

    We could really do this...

    I love all of you.

    xo

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  46. I'm totally stealing this "kidnapping" idea from you . . . I love it.

    And I love zip-lining.

    Before I got married, I had a pretty bad fall . . . I screwed myself up pretty good. The only lasting physical injury is my "trick elbow," but I really had a pretty bad time around ledges.

    My wife & I went to Alaska, cruising . . . we zip-lined. It took me about half of the way through, actually climbing a rope bridge, about 400 feet in the air, that I finally let go of the phobia.

    It was pretty awesome.

    Just like you're a pretty awesome mother.

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  47. Alexandra, it's your mother-in-law calling from San Diego. HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND? Stop having so much fun! I forbid it!

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  48. What is normal anyway?? Let's just have fun and laugh. Life's too short.

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  49. Except for the lettuce as apple thing, I'm totally with you. Coincidentally, Moochie just went ziplining last week! Unfortunately, I was scuba diving so I just saw it in photos. But weird I am regardless. I spent a lot of time trying and failing to pass for normal, and all it did was make me feel bad. Mooch doesn't try and I admire her bravery, but the part of me that felt weird when I was small sometimes wishes she could feel the ease of fitting in. But I can't help her there. As far as wishing I were normal goes, I don't think we can do this because we know we wouldn't be ourselves if we were to change. I think we put so much energy into accepting our odd selves that we can't now wish to be different. But you and your kids seem to have a priceless understanding, and they "get" you, so how can you beat that?

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  50. Absolutely delightful! I don't think I'd choose normal! When my husband shakes his head at me, I simply reply, "it's all part of the magic that is me!". He hears that a lot!

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  51. This is brilliant. Also— my mom totally took me zip lining. And I wouldn't trade whatever I am for normal. Normal is boring!

    And this line is just my absolute favorite thought ever: "Some day, your kids will begin to tell a story about you, and they won't be able to finish that first sentence without a laugh they can't control."

    We should all be so lucky.

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  52. Wonderful! Good for you Alexandra, never stop! I gave up on normal long ago and when I hear the words "You are such a dork" I smile because I know my work is done : )

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  53. I run in place for the tingly feeling in my legs too.

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  54. Oh how I would love to batter you, deep fry you and dip you in some ranch dressing! :)

    Also, we totally plan to use the kidnap method with the girls. We did that with our trip to Chattanooga and I proposed the idea to Craig to *always* do that for any trips that we take.

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  55. Liz: like I said, my kids say airquotes that they don't like being kidnapped.

    But, secretly, we've been doing this to them since they were 3 and 2, and they STILL talk about those times.

    Once, we did this, and we took them for camel rides when the circus came to Milwaukee..we played egyptian music all the way as a clue.

    This is still one of their favorite stories.

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  56. Alexandra, I love this. You are awesome and make me look forward to having kids old enough to realize how weird their mama is. :) I want you to be *my* mom!! Zipline, here we come...

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  57. No lie, I took my kids to a place with a zip-line this past weekend after we went to a place in the mountains that had caves and stuff which was after we went to the indoor water park at the hotel we were staying in for two nights.

    I think that all of this just means that I beat you.

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  58. you had me at "Don't say ewww. I washed it." Please never, ever, be normal.

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  59. I have actually always wanted to ride a zip line. I think the Chalupa's on board too since they always do it in Jake and the Neverland Pirates.

    Way to embrace and accept who you are, my sweet friend!

    You know how Austin has those "Stay Weird, Austin" stickers? I'm going to get one for you.

    Stay Weird, Empress. Stay Weird.

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  60. This is wonderful! I remember my mom being the odd one out. My friends would laugh at her silliness and I would be so embarrassed...she never changed and I'm thankful of that. I can go to her for a good chuckle. The
    Memories that we bring up over thanksgiving dinner, parties etc are always of her and her wacka-do-ness.
    And my friends were always right...she is a cool mom ;)

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  61. Ha! I love that. Maybe you and I could be roomies at the nursing home :-)
    Cheers, jj

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  62. Normalcy is SO overrated. I bet your children are going to be seriously thankful for your "unusualness" when they're older. Or at least they should be.

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  63. You. Are. Awesome.

    I hope that I can be this for my kids. We have the most fun when we are just being silly and ourselves.

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  64. I love this, in my house my daughters are used to my frequent operatic outbursts in our house. I can't actually sing opera, I just make up songs about them. The beautiful thing is that my oldest daughter is now making up songs herself and singing them in the same voice.

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  65. Ziplining with mom- what could bed better. I think that is awesome.

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  66. You sound like one of the coolest moms ever. I say embrace your differences and celebrate that willingness to expose your children to it all at a young age. I believe they will come out well adjusted and grateful for the experiences and beautiful memories in the end :)

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  67. You are the kind of mom I want to be. I love that you go zip lining with your kids. Normal is overrated anyway.

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  68. I need to start a conference with you all....can you imagine all of us, in our weirdosities?? together?

    I have found the mothership.

    I love you all.

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  69. Tried to be normal from high school through (and after) college...landed in therapy. Got through therapy, said fuck normal, and am much happier as a result. My kids are younger than yours and so are not quite entirely aware, yet, that their mom isn't quite like the other moms...heh heh heh. I lie awake at night and plot how I'm going to mortify them through their adolescence. Although I will never take them on a zipline because while I am definitely not normal, I am also a huge chickenshit. You get ALL the gold stars: proud of quirky self AND brave as all get out!

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  70. Lettuce like an apple. I'd never do it, but that very fact makes me want to go shoe shopping with you. Can we do the zipline first, though?

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  71. You are so right. Like you always are!

    My kids are grown as well and our loud, family dinners are often peppered with some weird stories about me, their momma.

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  72. oh you rock. i love you for all the things you do and the hope you give me that there are good women and moms out there who don't care about wealth and social status.

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  73. I love that your are orginal and hope JDaniel thinks I am too. I don't want to be boring.

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  74. You took your kids to a zipline? Aww man, I'm so jealous!

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  75. I think I need to kidnap my kids this weekend! Thanks for the inspiration!

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  76. i'm not normal. but you already know this. apparently i've passed it down too. see, i make up songs. like, 'i have gas 'cause i just ate a burritooooooo!' i sing stuff like that. and so does my daughter. she makes up songs. the other day it was 'iiiiiii'mmmmmm hungry but i don't like foooooood...'

    yeah.

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  77. The name of our blog is "Two Normal Moms". The inside joke is that, while I'm sure we are not "normal", we just consider ourselves normal and that makes everyone else the odd ones. LOL - makes it all okay in our book.

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  78. I am re reading these comments again...every one of you, so wonderfully different.

    Here's to us.

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  79. I just found you this morning by clicking on a link from Just Be Enough. This was not the first post I read here, but so far one of my favorites. It seems that now I just can't get enough and I keep finding the older posts button.

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