Friday, April 27, 2012

So Why Can't I Run Away and Join The Circus?

Dear Circus Director:

Let me begin by thanking you for a most enjoyable family night out this past November when your Circus Show came to our city. My husband and I took our three children and had a fabulous time.You do a fantastic job of keeping the acts in all three rings going and I love the look of your stretchy white pants against the pressed red coattails of your frock coat; formal yet whimsical. Way to go!

With all the people I saw under your direction that night, I can tell you are a busy man. Let me get right to the point of this letter and tell you that I have decided to run away and join the circus. Your circus, as a matter of fact, as it's the only circus I'm familiar with. You also keep your travels confined to the United States, that's good. While I enjoy travel abroad as much as the next guy, I prefer to begin any circus internship on this side of the pond.

If you're shaking your head already making a premature decision thinking that this is a case of wanderlust, you would be wrong. But if you bat around the idea of mid-life crisis as a reason, you might be on to something.

You see, lately, I've been having these wonderful dreams of flying, on a trapeze, where I swing from room to room and the feeling of sailing and changing across trapeze bar to trapeze bar is so real I can hear and feel the whoosh of the wind rushing past me. After my fifth night of dreaming like this, I knew I had to contact you.

I can touch my toes, and weigh in at a trim 120 pounds. I can't even think about a trapeze bar without a shiver of excitement catching in my breath. I want to sail over the huge net below. I want to leap from bar to bar, heart pounding, adrenaline surging and fly until someone calls for me to let go; and I fall through the air, landing on the strong net, bouncing twice back up into the air first.

Before you tell me that there is little demand for clumsy middle aged women, let me assure you that I am turnkey talent. I could fill many roles for you. I have worked as a fortune teller, warning others that they will fall and break their necks if they don't stop jumping off that kitchen table now. I have performed magic tricks, feeding five from two chicken breasts. (slice and dice anything and you've got yourself a stir-fry)

Though not flexible, I am reliable. I can set up and tear down with the burliest of the bunch. You should have seen me at the outdoor graduation party last June when the tornado sirens went off. I have taught my sixteen year old son how to drive on the freeway, proving that I laugh in the face of danger.

I make twenty-one hour days look like a walk in the park, and am no stranger to cleaning up poop and sweeping out cages.

Am I too old for this? 

Please let me be the one to answer that.

I can understand why you'd be hesitant, Sir, but all I'm asking for is a night on a low flying trapeze. I want to hang, dangle, fly, float, glide, like the woman in the Residence Inn Commercial.

If it's a matter of salary, please don't let that play into your decision: my life already consists of non paid performances throughout my day, so anything you offer will be an improvement.

I also supply my own Spandex (well, technically, it's Spanx, but who's gonna look.)



 Just 30 seconds, Sir, to feel the wind through my hair. That's all I ask for.

Thank you.

Video: Residence Inn
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43 comments:

  1. you know you could have one installed at home...


    joining the circus would be fun though...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. B, these dreams are so fantastic. I actually hear the wind pass my ears....

      Delete
  2. Uh oh...now I have a strange desire for those horrible orange circus peanut candies! You forgot to emphasize, in your letter, the boost in sales you would provide! Let's sing....she flies through the air with the greatest of ease...this was such a brilliant post!

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  3. I once told my mother I was running away to join the circus when I was seven.(I'd had enough of horses and chickens and goats and the ranch in general) She said, (direct quote here) "Hang on honey, I'll pack you a lunch."

    Yep.

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  4. Ummmm, you might want to ease up on the caffeine before bed, lest you wake up swinging from the ceiling fan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, Ms. A: i hope i have another swinging dream tonight. They're so REAL. And feel so wonderful.

      Delete
  5. Empress... chicken breasts? I hope he doesn't put you with the bearded woman and tallest man in the world. Would you beleive my cousin is a circus performer and she does exactly what the lady in the video does? She's performing on a cruise ship as I write. I think she will eventually start a circus school. I could hook you up? Great post. Loved your resume. I love your clever humour.
    Dana

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Slice and dice anything, Dana, and you got yourself a stir fry!!

      How is my Hawaiian girl?

      Delete
  6. Dude. CURTAINS. You can totally make that happen in your house. I even have a high ceilinged room that we could use. LET'S DO THIS.

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    Replies
    1. Tracey, don't you just want to do this?? Sail like that. I want to...

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  7. OMG - the parallels between motherhood and the circus...how did I never make that connection?? Love this and all your little anecdotes - just hilarious!

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    Replies
    1. Ceci: You always make me feel so good. THANK YOU.

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  8. Spanx totally count!

    Love this!

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  9. OMG, Alexandra... I had the same thought myself after reading Water for Elephants. Have you read this? And did you see the movie? I suggest you do both in that order, though they'll do nothing to quell your excitement at trying the trapeze.

    Best of luck to you, sistah. I can't imagine any circus director would ever turn down your request :)

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  10. You left out "I have children so obviously I work well with animals."

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  11. As a psych major, I must counsel you to keep this particular dream under your hat. I'm just sayin'.

    And also - I want a tornado siren.

    So great seeing you this weekend, my high flying friend!

    XOXO

    A.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *sigh* you know I can't resist. Must google "high flying trapeze dreams."

      Hope you don't hear my screams 10 states away.

      xo

      Delete
  12. I know in Chicago where I'm from they have circus classes. Like classes you take and you can learn trapaze and the silk fabrics and all of that. I know because one of my friends took the class and then eventually taught the classes. They have to have something like that by you!

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  13. Replies
    1. Right? Did you see Suzy Soro's comment up there? "I have children, so I've worked with animals."

      xo

      Delete
  14. Wonderful dream! I dream of roller skating and I'm always so happy! But if you do go, can I come too? I have an act where I dance the Hokey Pokey with my dog ; )

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  15. Nodding through this whole post. LOVE!

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  16. clapping, BRAVO, BRAVO, BRAVO, more clapping! :)

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    Replies
    1. Really? For me? You may just be my new bloggy crush.

      On my way.. xo

      Delete
  17. Replies
    1. Thank you, Chris. You're always so sweet. xo

      Delete
  18. This is fantastic, and I totally think you should do it. There are circus schools, you know, if the Ringmaster you're writing to here gets all up in your grill about training, blah, blah, blah. Also, just so you know: I have learned to figure skate at an advanced age, and it really is like flying. I won't win any skating medals any time soon, but jumping and spinning is pretty great. You should totally fly on a trapeze SOMEWHERE!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Never thought of that. I live only 30 mins away from a pretty metropolitan area...I should really check online.

      WHAT IF YOU SAVED MY LIFE???? xo

      Delete
    2. Oh, please let me know if I saved your life. That seems like a great thing to add to my resume. ;)

      Delete
  19. That was a great one! Fun reading...
    It would be nice to escape, even if just for a little while. I'd have a slight problem with hooking up with a circus though. Clowns!!! I hate them because I'm afraid of them. Don't aske me why, cause I don't know...

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  20. Gurrrlll, I will be right beside ya, on the other trapeze. What a co-inky-dink! My life consists of unpaid performances too! Juggling, fortune telling, and like you, I specialize in the cleaning of the poop!

    Thank you, thank you, for drinking the Kool Aid over at Lighten Up! Your kind words made my day. Happily following back, joining the regular people.
    ;)

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  21. I'm going to sit in the stands while you and Dawn swing from the rafters, but I offer up hubby, he can scoop the poop and carry your bags. No charge, keep him as long as you'd like.

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  22. I never wanted to run away to the circus, didn't like the smells ;) but you're right with all we do as women & mothers we are a perfect fit for those three rings. I know you really just want to be the ring master..for the whips ;)

    love you. xo

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  23. I'd love for you to shovel out my cage any old day.

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  24. One of my best friends takes off every summer to run away with the circus -- he works as the technical director of a traveling circus & he tells the greatest stories.

    To the ringmaster, don't believe what the Empress is telling you -- she is gorgeous. Like, distractedly beautiful . . . just be careful of bringing her on-board & having all of your performers captured with jealousy and/or lust.

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  25. The trapeze...I would love to fly on the trapeze but I'm dreadfully unhappy when I'm upside down. I don't even like headstands much (which is good b/c I can't do them, so it all works out). I think you'd be a wonderful circus performer and Spanx could name a whole new line of ...garments... for you: trapeezeypants or something like that, with discreet spangles. I suppose the best thing about being up there flying through the air is that no one could ask you where his algebra/sneakers/jacket is (are). Just you and the wind...At very least? You should hie thyself to a trapeze school and take a test drive.

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  26. Love this! Thanks for the smile I needed today, and you're NEVER too old for anything!
    T. Marie

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  27. I have a friend who did take up trapeze as an adult. She was a former dancer though, so had a lot of the muscles. She became obsessed though - I can see why!

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  28. I bet you would do a wonderful job! I think I would rather be on the ground selling popcorn.

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  29. Who is that lady, high in the sky,
    Who soars as a lilting breeze?
    Is she an angel? I ask as I sigh,
    The girl on the Flying Trapeze!

    Loved this post, it made me smile xo

    ReplyDelete

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