Sunday, March 3, 2013

Did I Ever Tell You About The Time...



I stay up late.

Sometimes not smart to do. Because I'm alone, and things on the internet beckon me, in the way that some are called to order all the tupperware they'll need in a lifetime from Home Shopping Network. But for me? It's more dangerous than that because I log in to forums and support lines and start to think I can teach myself code in a night.

What happens instead is that I try to do a tutorial on designing your own web page and instead I'm pulled into a blinking offer/help room yanking my chain from my peripheral vision. Like what I have copy pasted here, from a real Blogger forum where you're given a choice of a link to click on, offering a "free blogger evaluation." So yeah, I clicked on that and entered my website url and said have at it, bro.

And this delight came back and it's just too good to not share.

Enjoy, on my account: my Blogger evaluation, courtesy of @elcapitan227:

Dear GoodDayRegularPeople: 


What is it that you hope to accomplish with your blog? What is it that you wish for us to evaluate? We have reviewed your request to evaluate your blog and cannot understand what the purpose of your blog is. Your purpose is unclear. What do you want us to review? From what we see, you have no main target audience or any sort of introduction as to why you are posting and what you are posting.

You have outgrown your platform as is sorely evidenced by the clutter on your sidebar. The sidebar is cluttered, and it's purpose is also unclear. Are you selling advertising? Do you have advertising space for sale? The purpose of your sidebar is unclear.

You list many blogs on your sidebar. Why do you have blogs listed on your sidebar? Do you write at the blogs listed on your sidebar? The purpose of all the blogs listed on your sidebar is unclear. Do the blogs on your sidebar pay to be listed on your sidebar?

We do not know what you are asking of us. You have crammed as many things as you can into your blog, and a first time visitor will have no inkling as to why they have been directed to your blog.

Also, who are you? It appears you are a rotund, rosy cheeked matron with short curly hair. Is this how you would like to be seen? Your profile is not one of a sophisticated woman. Your blog does not appear to be one of a woman who appears to wish to advance herself.

We suggest you begin over with a clean design. Uncluttered main page with orderly columns and much less color. Please have a professional photograph taken and placed in a more visible spot on your blog main page. Make the purpose of your website clear. What is it you offer? What are your skills? Why would someone want to be at your blog? We see no reason to be directed to your blog.

We are not sure if you have sent in this blog URL for a client or as a joke to us. Are you the author of this blog? If you are the author, we suggest you begin over, and study other blogs for at least three months before you begin again.

ElCapitan227

-------------------------

Go ahead, have some fun. Your turn -- ask ElCapitan227 to grace your pages with a visit. But, his services are only offered through Blogger's help pages. Lucky us.

xo

* * *

**ALSO THIS:  Thrilled to have been been named one of The Top 25 Humor Blogs by The Skinny Scoop Team. Haven't checked them out yet? You should, you'd like it over there. THANK YOU so much, Skinny Scoop. I am honored. 

41 comments:

  1. Hahahahahaha!!!
    "Your purpose is unclear."
    "Just start over."
    Okay then, El Capitan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love knowing that I made you laugh, A, from way over here.

      xo

      Delete
  2. So, to sum up...I think El Cap might feel that your purpose is unclear. Almost starts sounding like an existential mantra about how hard it is to find meaning in the world.

    I totally want the dude to have a go at my website. He'd probably be like..."Tacky. Your page is tacky. The colors are glaring. Do want to be seen as tacky? For people to get headaches when they look at you? Maybe this is who you are as a person. Maybe you need to reconsider your personal style if your blog page represents you. Also. Your page is tacky. Consider studying Feng shui and living in Japan for three months before starting your next blog, please."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just burst out laughing. Because I laughed. You were funny and I laughed. I am laughing.

      Delete
    2. Neal, you made me laugh. Long overdue for a visit to catch up. THank you.

      Delete
  3. Methinks ElCapitan227 is a master of redundancy. I do not know why he is saying the things he is saying. The things he is saying make no sense. I cannot make sense of the things he is saying and I don't know why he's saying them.

    As a regular reader, I think your site layout is fine, open, and engaging. I know where everything is, it's easy to navigate, and I wouldn't care how rotund or rosy cheeked or matronly you were. Or how short your hair. Because are these things supposed to be as negative as he makes them seem? ElCapitan227 is NOT your target audience and I deem him unwelcome to return.

    ReplyDelete
  4. he did not really say rotund did he...

    luckily i found the comment box under a stray advertisement..


    just kidding....smiles.

    i have fear of being evaluated...ha...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HE DID, B. All I can think of is that fake empress picture to the right? DId he think I WAS serious with that as my photo?

      I can't believe it...

      Delete
  5. "study other blogs for at least three months before you begin again" - I love that he assigned homework to you.

    Silly ElCapitan227, he should have clearly been able to see that your purpose is being awesome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are always SO GOOD, tracie. Thank you.

      Delete
  6. I remember this one and it cracked me up.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Rotund? I thnk you look stunning in that Facebook box picture. Maybe he couldn't find that one amongst your billboard ads? I wonder of anyone has ever told that guy he is redundant...I mean he says the same thing over and over...kind of like he repeats himself. I guess what I am saying is that rewording still seems redundant! Thank you so much for sharing this utter hilarity!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, too good not to share, but really. my feelings were hurt a little. I thought it would be an evaluation, not a mental assault!

      Delete
  8. Wait. Your blog is supposed to have a purpose? I guess I'm in big trouble then...

    ReplyDelete
  9. I remember when you first posted this. I could never submit my blog for "review" because it's hard enough waiting for reviews on my book from Goodreads and Amazon. I don't need the extra anxiety.

    ReplyDelete
  10. "Also, who are you? It appears you are a rotund, rosy cheeked matronly woman with short curly hair." I laughed out loud when I read that. This is classic. I should get my blog reviewed by El Captain.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. DO IT, Lovelyn! Then post it. I googled him, he is 17 and lives in saudi arabia. He was probably all WTF? when he came over here.

      Delete
  11. Are you sure this isn't a spam email? This reads exactly like the spam comments I get that I really want to post because instead of telling my I have no purpose they tell me I am smart and wise and offer very valuable content - over and over and over again.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am literally LAUGHING MY ASS OFF right now!!! That is fantastic!!!
    WTF are you DOING, lady?? The purpose of this blog is completely unclear!!! I don't even know how or why I came here. Wait, why am I commenting? I'm confused. Is this spam???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How I love to know that I made you laugh.

      I really do love thinking about and seeing you laughing.
      THANK YOU.

      Delete
  13. Holy Shit, he told you! That was beyond comical, mostly because he seemed to repeat himself at least three times in every single paragraph. Maybe he didn't know if you would understand him otherwise as clearly he seems quite confused as to what you could be possibly asking of him.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thiis is hilarious...and insulting...and amusing...and condescending. HIS EVALUATION IS UNCLEAR. What is his evaluation trying to be? Maybe he should wait 3 months and study other evaluations before he rips someone a new bunghole for asking for help. EGADS. He's lucky he's on the Internet or he'd have a band of bloggers chasing him with clubs for calling YOU rotund!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, laughter? LAUGHTER from you is such a gift. THANK YOU.

      Delete
  15. Oh my G-d, this made me laugh out loud. This guy captured all the best things about you and your blog in a single e-mail AND DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT. You win.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Where is the rotund, rosy-cheeked matron photo?!?!?!?!?! I've never seen it. Does he mean the picture of young Queen Victoria? She doesn't really fit that bill. Short curly hair, he said? I'm confused. Is his review of this blog? What does he think his purpose in reviewing is? I think he needs to spend three months carefully studying my handbook for evaluations, "Don't Criticize this Class for Not Teaching You to Tap-Dance in 15 Weeks, when the Title of the Class is 'Victorian Poetry.'" I'll sell it to him cheap.

    Also, you are awesome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. He was trying to break me, get me to quit HELL NO, El Capitan ...

      Delete
  17. very interesting. i don't see your blog cluttered -- it's homemade,..but it's NOT CLUTTERED!
    tell ElCapitan he needs to jump ship!..or, it's mutiny!!! ;D
    love you!
    -a

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And you would know, A.

      right? He's a 17 yr old from saudi arabia. I lookd him up.

      Delete
  18. Hahaha! This is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. Nothing like a little badly translated (computer-generated?) horse-hockey to put a girl on the path to improvement, yes?

    I must now serenade you with my version of Billy Joel's classic, "Don't Go Changinnn'" (You'll want to sit down for this.)

    XOXO

    A.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A compliment of the highest order.

      Thank YOU.

      xo

      Delete
  19. Psh. I say it again.... PSH! I fully enjoy your purposeless blog presence. And *I* remember.... you pulled followers out of the woodwork! And LOOK at you now. El Cap is just jealous.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh my gosh my rosy cheeked friend, what an evaluation. I would love to see El Cap's blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Going on the FB avi up of EMpress Eugenie. El Capitan is such a ding dong.

      Delete
  21. Ummm...hello, did he know that he was typing to the Empress and the internets bow to whatever the fuck you want to write about?
    Off with his head!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, you. I NEED to catch up with you.

      xo

      Delete
  22. I wonder if all his evaluations are that unclear?

    I think I'd better pass on sending mine in - there is definitely no target audience, no wish for advertising, no clear purpose to my blog, and essentially no explanation about why I'm posting anything I post. plus, I would appear to be an eyeball with something funky going on in the pupil.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I remember this. Hilarious!!!

    ReplyDelete

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