Monday, August 19, 2013

As Big and As High As Possible (Now with Secret Steps)

The higher the hair, the closer to God.

That's the reason the South gives for their coiffed poufs. I have three Midwestern reasons for my tallifying production here: one white can of Paul Mitchell Freeze-n-Shine, one purple Conair blow dryer with a concentrator nozzle, and one boar bristle (eeewww gross) wooden-handled Goody round styling brush.

Also, soooper important over everything else: young, strong, taut, tireless arms. Super important. You've got nothin' without tireless.

My silver lining today, which was so much appreciated considering the work I've been doing since this week-end, that of sorting through every envelope, every book, every folder, every box, of my mother's -- was finding a 1980's hair gone high photo of myself.

The hair, frozen in place by Mr. Freeze and his ray gun himself, stands so innocently youthful, strong, confident and assured, with no idea just how abnormal a look this is on this planet.

Hair just doesn't do this.

I would wake at 6:30 a.m., step into the shower at 5 foot 6 inches, step out, produce the hair monument, and 5 foot 8 inches of me would slide into the driver's seat of my maroon Toyota Corolla, scrunching down in my seat all the way to work, so to not risk messing the bump.

What boggles my mind more than the hairdo here, is that I'd check off on it. Giving myself one last once-over before heading out in the morning, I would stop and look in the mirror, with eyes in far better shape than the eyes of mine today, smile at what I saw, cock a knowing index finger at my reflection, and be on my way, head held high (and hair).

You can just feel the safety-pinned jeans around your ankles, can't you?


**You have all been beyond words with your private messages, emails, cards, and texts. To say you make a difference is an understatement. THANK YOU. Sorting my mother's items has been just what I need... and as sad as her passing is, I'm wild about old books, old magazines, and finding notes, photos, inscriptions... it's like being with her every day again.

Thank you for all the caring. 

Now, as promised, the Secret Steps to Hair High Heels:

1. Towel dry hair so it's semi wet.
2. Bend over and dry bangs upside down with blow dryer at highest setting, ignore the pounding heart and dizziness that begin in minute ten.
3. Stretch and pull bangs around twirling round boar bristle styling brush, moving in direction of back of the head. Burn Dry and pull until you feel yourself almost snatched bald-headed. 
4. When bangs crispy as well done bacon, spray while upside down with Freeze spray ray gun. Helps to have bathroom fan on for ventilation and ease of breathing. Try not to think of future with COPD.
5. Hang head for 2 or 3 minutes more. Steady self with hand on sink.
6. With as little movement as possible, slowly bring head back up. Done to prevent hair volume loss as much as to prevent orthostatic BP changes.
7. Kiss mirror, and walk out the door, two inches taller.

**If you do this, it will work.


  1. Oh, golly, I have memories of my own high hair. Thank goodness it's not the style now, I'd never be able to accomplish it... my arms would fall off!

  2. Aqua Net. I remember when I would clean the bathroom, I would have to scrape the counters forever to get the sheen off the tile. It didn't do that to our hair, right? We used the rattail combs. Oh the 80s. Oh the shame. Oh the hole in the ozone layer from thousands of aerosole cans hoping to reach the heights of Ann and Nancy Wilson from Heart. xo

  3. I saw your tweet and was hoping you'd post the picture. This did not disappoint. And for the record, your technique was on point.

  4. You guys are making me laugh, what is better than shared memories? I love it. Yes, a silver lining in today's day... I so needed it, and it gave me energy to keep going. Have another big day ahead tomorrow, and day after that... thanks for keeping me company here.

  5. I love the picture- you're beautiful.
    And the hair! You give big hair a good name.

  6. hair adds inches to me still with the hawk...
    mine is def putty though that keeps it up...its called Spoke revolution or something like that...manly eh? ha

  7. In my most narcissistic and tireless days, I could never achieve anything volumistic. Until, that is, I discovered perms. Can I get a hell ya? Thankfully, there are no remaining photos.

  8. I had the big hair, too. THough mine took on more of the Claw formation. Tease and spray. And tease and spray.
    Love you, Alexandra, and your big hair.

  9. Here's the thing: I LIKE it. Don't know what this reveals about ME. Perhaps it is just that I think you are gorgeous in all manifestations. Molly

  10. Lol! Once, sporting such a "do," I was sitting in the back seat, windows all down in that awesome green buick; and my sister flipped her cigarrette out the front window....which flew directly in through the back window and into my aqua-nettified halo. The flamability (is that a word?) of such a creation was soon clear and screeching to the side of the road I had to be "put out" with someone's jean jacket. *sigh* Oh, the good old do make me smile so, my friend!

  11. this pic has NOTHING on the one i have somewhere (IF i can freakin' find it i this mess of a house). ugh. but love the photo, love you!


  12. Lucky for me my hair is naturally big. No hairspray here. I used to spend much of my time trying to get it to lay flat. These days I've given up.

  13. I love that you found this picture. Personally, I think you look beautiful! And okay, so the hair's a bit high... sadly mine reaches epic proportions without much work.

    Anyway, thinking of you, my sweet. XOXO

  14. Finding these old photos has been fun. I'll be having a great time, sitting in the garage, opening b oxes and laughing, and then it'll hit... what I'm doing. I'll take a break, come inside and laugh, and then go back out. It's work, but I feel so very fortunate to be doing it.

  15. Alas, my fine hair would never rise to these heights no matter how long I stood upside down. Might explain my back problems these days. Enjoy finding the treasures and memories : )

  16. Rats! I wish I had seen this BEFORE I washed my hair today! Is that black eyeliner lining your lower lid? Oh please say it is...please say you pulled that lid out to draw on line right on the ridge! (Then adjusted your shoulder pads just so) xoxoxox

  17. Recently, I heard myself say that my hair will never again raise as high as it did in the 80s. With your tutorial, I dare say that it just might.

    Here's to memories of big hair, young arms, and simpler times.




Related Posts with Thumbnails