Monday, October 7, 2013

There's a Spine In There, You Know



photo credit: Larry He's So Fine via photopin cc 
 In 1996, I became the manager of a physical comedy team, something akin to the new millenium Three Stooges. I married late in life, and my husband and I had no time to waste with regard to go forth and multiply, so, we got busy. Enter Larry, Curly, and Moe, all born within six years of each other.

I live with The Three Stooges and by 8 AM every morning, the comedy shorts begin. My house is filled with slaps, pokes, bonks, and nose twists. When Curly, Larry, and Moe get bored, their legs and hands wander, to each other’s backs, shins, and heads.

“Nyuk nyuk nyuk *conk*.”

“Woo woo woo *slam*.”

“Ohhhh… a wise guy, eh? *bop*.”

When this physicality began, oh, at about the time the then 23 month old made the then 3 month old into a portable lawn mower, I knew I had to set up 

 RASSLIN' HOUSE RULES:

Rule #1. No tears of pain.
 
Rule #2. No cries from injuries.
 
Rule #3. If it’s not fun, please stop.

A printed out version of rule numbers 1, 2 and 3 above, is taped next to our sofa in the living room. After 18 years of managing this team, we haven’t had to add any new rules to this rough housing list. My children know I mean it when I say safety first, and I’ve adjusted accordingly. I have grown deaf to the sounds of furniture legs breaking or vases toppling over, I am blind to hands slapping rapid fire across each other's foreheads, and I don’t trip but instead radarlike step over the boys while they roll over each other like they’re putting out a fire. I go about my day like this is the most natural thing, because, basically, I know no different.

It’s my life, and I love it. I’ve changed who I am to include a voice that I can quickly summon to become a knock it out of the ballpark bellow, “GUYS! BOYS! Food stays ON the table!” Voila, grapes go back in the bowl, like that.


As my boys have gotten older, the level of leg wrestling and body slamming has volumized in intensity to ForceLevel Ten. They've bulked up, there's testosterone flying around in gallon size jugs within their bodies. My ears have been calibrated to Code Orange Alert Level and are set to dog ear quality sensitive range for the sound of crackling bones and dislocated ball-n-socket joints. It’s all in a day’s work of keeping the kids alive and our insurance deductible down.

Like I said, this is my normal. I do my household duties and keep one eye on the five full boxes of pasta boiling on the stove, and the other on the WWF tournament going on in the front room. I don’t want to fight my children’s battles for them, who wants to be that mother, so I become part of the wallpaper. It’s a beautiful co-existence, but one rainy day — the kind of day where the boredom in the air is as thick as apple butter, I knew it was time to step in.

First, I heard an “ungh,” then a “flop,” like a fish jumping out of water. This was soon followed by my peripheral vision catching the sight of legs whizzing past in a direction that has only been achieved in the human kingdom phylum by sheer accident. Or breeding with aliens.

Dropping the laundry basket I held on my hip, I lorded over Curly and Moe, who both were holding Larry as if he were a wishbone. My Larry, my baby.

“HEY!” I foghorned.


Startled, the boys looked up, because Mom was bellowing and she doesn’t bellow often.

“HEY!” I shout a second time, they freeze.

And then I say something I’d never imagine saying, even as the house manager of The Three Stooges:

"Your brother is not a wallet!"

If you look up over the sofa, you'll see that our Rasslin' House Rules have now been updated to include rule number 4:

#4. No folding people like wallets. They don’t go that way.

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20 comments:

  1. *Snort*
    THIS is what I have to look forward to? My future? Right now, it's "Your brother's head is not a toy!"

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    Replies
    1. A, you will be astounded at how they ENJOY this. They like it? They actually like it.

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  2. ha. yes....we are in the midst of the physical right now....i blame the extra mattress as well...so tempting....

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  3. So tricky to be the wallpaper sometimes...love the thought and can almost see you walking the minefield of limbs. Hope there is no immediate need for rule #5...whatever it may be.

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  4. So glad to know I'm not the only one...I don't have 3 boys. Just one boy and one girl--but I had wrasslin' rules, too. Don't need them so much now that they are teens, but every once in a while I still have to bring out the Mom bellow. (They call it my Teacher Voice!)

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  5. Only one boy here, so I missed out on some of this - though, I must say, he and his older sister did go round and round when they were smaller. I have three nephews (all brothers) all born within four years of each other. It's very entertaining to watch them together.

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  6. Oh lord - I'm SO GLAD I'm not the only one. My rule is if you're roughhousing and you come crying to me? I get to say "I told you so" and yes, I will help you find a band aid/ice pack/etc. but I will also probably be laughing at you. I've had to utter such phrases as "WE DON'T THROW OUR BROTHERS DOWN STAIRS!!!"

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    1. Colleen!! So good to see you. Oh, I know, and the testosterone in the bodies. I read that the average grown male has about 1 tablespoon in his body but a 15 year old boy has about ONE GALLON. Yup. YUP. YUP. xo (really good to see you)

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  7. I've said a variety of Mad Libs things. His arm is not a bungee cord. Her hair is not horse reins.

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    Replies
    1. Nicole, that's a great idea for a book, isn't it? Whats the craziest thing you've said as a parent.

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  8. This is so funny.

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  9. I'm not sure if I should be excited or terrified. So far I only have one boy and one girl and no one has been made into a wallet.

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  10. Love! I might have to copy and paste those rules by our couch, in our basement and on the trampoline. My kids love to wrestle and I swear my girl is worse than my boy.

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  11. LOVE this. My friend taught me her family's wrestling rules:
    1. Everyone has to agree to wrestle
    2. Someone is going to get hurt.
    3. When someone gets hurt wrestling stops. Until everyone agrees again.

    We're just entering the phase where wrestling is consensual. Oh, boy are they made from stuff I don't understand.

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  12. As a mom of 3 boys I wish I could do that. But with one with bipolar and one with autism I have to keep an ear out for one losing his cool because it has gone too far and the other being hurt because he won't give in.. soo yeah no rasslin here

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    Replies
    1. I'm so sorry. Just an example of life that many of us take for granted. Much love to you. xo

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  13. LOL, love it! But at the same time I'm wondering why my house full of little girls pretty much sounded the same!

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    1. That makes me happy to hear. They'll be great boy moms. xo

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  14. The "no folding like a wallet" rule had me cracking up. The visual of legs going the wrong way and the wishbone caused some laughter induced tears.

    Growing up, it was just me and my sister. My mom had a rule of no tattling about physical violence. When faced with "She hit me," her response was always, "Did you hit her back?" She figured we would eventually tire ourselves out, and she was right. No foreign objects could be brought into the fray, but that is basically the only rule I remember.

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  15. Moms of all boys have a special place in heaven for sure. I love that you have developed a tone that causes them to freeze in a moment.

    It is a special skill that not many of us have. :)

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