Tuesday, July 8, 2014

How To Talk To Your Mom About Her Summer Shorts

What? These look awesome.
Summer is here. We've had a string of thunderstorms to prove it. The sun comes out and teases occasionally, but last week, I promised myself to be more of an optimist than usual, and I took the winter coats to the basement.

Then I went to my upstairs closet and looked for some shorts. Some that would fit. It was a long long winter filled with comfort food. I needed shorts, and had none... when temperatures get higher, shirt sleeves and pant legs get shorter and I had NO SHORTS.

I did, however, have a pair of high-waisted (or long-assed who are we kidding) Chico capris that my mother willed me, but my kids, being the awesome kids that they are, won't let me out of the house with them.

I trust my kids. When I write about them on FB, people comment to me that they're mean and don't know how to love their mother. While I won't unfriend based on those comments (I like the *hide further notifications from* button), I can tell you, my kids want what's best for me. So, I stand in front of them, and ask them, for their honest opinion: “How do I look?”

Any second of pause, is an automatic negative.

I've been able to decipher my kids' reactions over the 19 years that I've been a mother:

*stuttering and stammering, eyes cast downward: This trumps everything: TAKE IT OFF. But there is more subtle dialogue, like this:
  1. “Oh, it’s not you. NO ONE looks good in tangerine. Really. I read it in your Cosmo. Not even Giselle. That’s why you never see her in it.” Translation: Take It Off.
  2. “You know what’s really cool about your body? How it was MADE for black. Most people look sad in black, but not you. You rock the black. Hang on… let me run out and get you some black.” Translation: Take It Off.
  3. “You look A-mazing. Too good. Dad/Mom won’t be able to stand how good you look. Better not wear them, last thing you need is a jealous fight.” Translation: Take It Off.
  4. “Oh, man. It’s just too hard. Let’s go see what else you have in the closet. Bet you’ll look good in anything today!” Translation: Take It Off.
  5. “Gosh. You’ve always been so brave. Wearing orange on your butt like that. Wow. You’ve never been afraid of anything.” Translation: Take It Off.
The greatest gift you can give your mother when she's desperate for summer-wear close to losing her mind, I mean anyone thinking coral capris are a go? is to imagine her, standing there, the woman you love, with coral orange culottes splayed across her ample amplitude.

My advice to your dear children is to have them pull you away from the Summer of '94 shorts collection. Have them tell you they'd rather spend this time together over a caramel macchiato, while you're in a waistless sundress. Have them remind you that you already have clothes that you look boss in. Just stay home and you'll be looking good.

Have a heart to heart, now's the time for honest dialogue, give them key phrases that you'll understand like: Step Away From The Coral. Put Down The Jorts.

Look, I know the pants fit and they're comfy, but instruct your children to tell you the truth: That coral waistbands that sit under your breasts is the same thing as giving up. And they love you too much to have anything to do with that.

Not that I would know just how good it feels, to give up.

So good.

* * *


  1. I remember saying to my mother, when I was 12, "You're wearing *that* out?"

    I am pretty sure karma will come back to bite me on the butt.

  2. Ha! Thank goodness for the honestly of children. We'd all be in orange pants and socks with sandals. xo

  3. Alison: these kids save me from fashion fatalities every day. Tracy: I tell you, I never thought a band of elastic under my bewbs would feel so good.

  4. So glad to know I'm not the only one who exited this past winter with NO shorts that fit. I have been embracing the sundress and skirts. You know what? They feel better than shorts, too! I think there's a difference between giving up and giving in. :-)

  5. my son started that on vacation this winter. "mom, if you wear that coat that makes that swishy noise, I'm not going to walk with you." he's seven. but he's cool like that. a girl's got to know. {and then i made him hold hands with me the rest of the vacation. because i'm cool like that. and he's got to know.}

  6. this is why cargo shorts are my friend...baggy with pockets...yep...i might even get away with tangerine...ha

  7. I threatened my son with, " I will wear these next time we go to Target unless you. ."

  8. Rita: I've been in dresses except for one uncomfortable period last week. tara: so funny since my littlest cannot take my scratchy blouse. he says he "hears" it. Brian: cargo pants? Oh, how I would love for my kids to give me a free pass for cargo pants.

  9. That's a rockin' pair of polyester culottes in that picture there. Let's face it, "Classic Culottes" in navy polyester = sex on a stick. Step aside sister, I'm about to order a pair in every color. ;)

  10. OMG!!!! I posted a pic of that ad yesterday as well...let's pool together for the lowest price...not that I don't have three favorite colors there that I must have! We could totally bring sexy back, Areander!!!!

  11. Look at it this way - they wouldn't comment if they didn't care, right? It's a lesson in compassion AND tact.

  12. Andrea: you called me Areander, I LOVE YOU. Diary of a Mad: You made me laugh!!!!!!!!

  13. Oh my gosh!! This made me laugh! My daughter actually said to me just recently, "Did you get your hair cut again?" Yup. "I don't like it." She didn't even try to be nice about it. *sigh* At least your boys are trying...



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