Sunday, July 13, 2014

You've Sent Me a Friend Request



Ah, you've sent me a friend request.
You want to be friends.

I don't think the word friend means what you think it means. Because the word *friend* implies that you like someone, you know, you enjoy their company and like being around them. Which is why I'm wondering -- the reason you're asking to be friends with me. Last I heard, there was a lot a lot a lot a LOT about me that you didn't want to be around. And absolutely not that I'm holding grudges, or am in any way still sore about the reasons you gave for having to be free of my presence. But your request for friendship makes it clear that you need a few reminders.

Are you sure you want to be my friend? I feel it my duty to refresh your memory, remind you of the reasons why I would suggest you think harder about what you're asking.  Let me help you revisit your feelings on this one.

Like, how are you now, and how would you be, about the way I can slam down a hamburger faster than you? That dismayed you a bit. How I remember, you just couldn't stop telling that little bit of trivia to anyone that would listen. Tsk Tsk, food shaming.

And I'm sure you'll want to know, your concern about my *book problem.* Yup, still addicted. You can't even see the wood of my coffee table.

I also still walk everywhere, and I know how you feel about that. Your jokes about driving the car to the bathroom if you could. I didn't think you were ever joking.

My feelings would still get hurt, just as they did a century ago, when you'd ask, "Wanna see what our kids would look like?" Then you'd show me a picture of lemurs, something that would send you into conniptions over and over. Yes, humor is subjective, but some stuff is just never funny.

Let me check with you on something else, too, do you still think everything is because of hormones? And do you still ask, "Is this because of hormones?" You do? Okay. Thanks.

I've got some questions, too. Do fur bikinis with fur Russian hats still top your to die for fantasy requests? Know what? Never mind. Forget it.

Let's be honest, *friend* I think it's pretty clear. You don't really want to be my friend, do you?

You just want to see how things turned out for me. Well, let me tell you so you don't have to friend me to find out. I'm writing this to you while cheeseburger juice is dripping of my chin and onto my fur bikini. I put aside my stack of books to answer your request honestly, though I'm in the middle of a PHENOMENAL  memoir. 450 pages. No pictures. It's about, ah... there I go again. Can you say Book Problem!

I'm sorry I can't write longer but I've got the cutest pack of lemurs jumping around me right now. So, gotta go.

Take care! I wish you luck, with your other friend requests I mean. I hope you found a place with hallways wide enough for you to drive yourself to the bathroom! So glad we had this chat so we could avoid any possible future messy business. Just think of how you'd have to maneuver your little indoor car around my stacks of books.




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19 comments:

  1. Anyone who isn't falling all over themselves to do right by you has more than just an unanswered friend request to keep him or her company in the panic-y, wide-awake-at-three-am moments. I'm guessing the demons in that non-friend's closet are large, hairy, loud, and halitosis-ridden.

    xoxo

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  2. I was just wondering about some of the friend requests I get on FB and Twitter. I keep thinking, do you people actually read my bio? You're going to hate having me on your feed. Are you just looking for a fight or what?

    And we should totally eat cheeseburgers together some time.

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  3. ugh...one of the reasons i dont do much in the way of social media...and def not FB...3 years free...far to many just want to know the junk of our story...or if it turned out..ha...yeah....not sure how many there were true friends...not too many that called to check why i disappeared from FB...ha

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    Replies
    1. That's it, B. Undeserving crowd. NO, with a capital N.

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  4. Well, I sorta felt this way about a FB contact I got a few years ago--which ultimately turned out to be an amazing, healing story. I'm guessing yours is a different sort of situation. And now that I think about it, the person who contacted me did not make a friend request. So, yeah. Tell him to look elsewhere for a fur bikini! :-)

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  5. My first visit here and I love this post. It sounds like a 'male' friend but I'm not sure...you know face book can be so annoying. I've had ex friends send requests only to ignore my 'hello' message. I then will unfriend them immediately because it's obvious they just want to see how 'things turned out for me' My problem is I thought it was a genuine interest in 'me' and an attempt to reconnect. It almost NEVER is. Great post, so true. Good for you. p.s. I adore books too and how could anyone say books are a problem? That's crazy! Found you on BlogHer today :)

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    Replies
    1. Lisa, I tried to find your blog and couldn't! I"d love to repay the kindness of a visit and SO GLAD you found me through BlogHer b/c Yes, it was a blast from the past who couldn't stomach me one more minute back in '84, but now? Suddenly in 2014, I don't seem so bad? Must be recently singled. xo

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  6. damn, I'd love to have the opportunity to write this to a person or two. Alexandra, you don't know how many times a day I give you 'mind' hugs. :D

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Tess. You made me smile. xo

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  7. I don't even know where to begin here! I just keep wondering if the Russian hat is what my beach breeze humidity ravaged hair needs right now! Oh, and I have never wanted to be your friend more! hee hee hee

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  8. From one burger-inhaler to another:
    Please stay my friend.

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  9. Cheeseburgers - check. Books - check. Walking - check. Hell, I even love some lemur. Yup, I can see why we're friends. And though I drive a mini cooper, I'ma still walk to the bathroom. Looking forward to seeing you soon, my friend. xo

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  10. I'm glad you let me be your friend.
    My love for books overrides my hatred of burgers.

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  11. Fur bikini, huh? That's pretty specific. Just the thought of it gives me a rash.

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  12. I've been reading your blog for a while but this is my first time commenting. Enjoying cheeseburgers and reading too many books--since when were those bad things? Coming from a person who has two end tables filled with books:)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Nicole! Going to look you up now and THANK YOU for visiting!

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  13. Oh, I heart you.... And I always wonder about FB requests from people who REALLY didn't want to be seen with me back when. Hope you are enjoying your cheeseburger and beautiful children who don't look anything like lemurs. Tsk.

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  14. I tried commenting the other day but I think it disappeared unless maybe you have comments moderated. I think it went something like I loved this post. Because I did. I do. "The cutest pack of lemurs"....you are awesome.

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