These studies are amazing, "High heels give you bunions," "Sleeping on a bad mattress causes backache." Both studies funded by These Are Not Your Mama's Heels and The Airfoam Mattress Association of America.
But in today's paper? I don't know what to do with this one. “Sudden Sharp Noises May Lead to Knee Injuries.”
They neglected to add a few things.
Like “... and Trauma” because among the list of things that sudden sharp noises may lead to, how could they overlook:
--Getting hit by cars when you jump into the road
--Cracked skulls from tripping in your hurry to get away
--Broken wrists from breaking your fall as you run away
--Embarrassment down to your soul
--Humiliation depending on who's there to see
--Low self esteem as your children watch you jump because of an air horn
--Negative self talk as you chastise yourself with “It's only a motorcycle beep for crying out loud”
--Peril as you choose oncoming cars over a safe sidewalk
--Slipping tripping and falling from the sharp surprise bark of loose dogs behind you
--Cracked knee caps from falling while walking the dog who takes off from his own reaction to said sudden sharp noise
--Going into shock in a quiet house in front of the glow of the computer when a picture frame *sharply* drops from the upstairs bathroom
--Paralyzing flashbacks of sharp sudden barking dog encounters that didn't end so well
--Spasms as subcircuits in the brain -- like all of them ever – fire off all at once in both hemispheres
--Ruptured Achilles tendon from fight or flight response
--Broken bones from falling from running away
--Unsteady gait from the guarantee of adrenaline Jello legs
These are just a few overlooked outcomes to Sudden Sharp Noises. To this sudden sharp noise caveat of only worrying about your knees, I say, please.
Where's the warning to worry about the Double Threat now? Not only are you injured but the thing making the sudden sharp noise is going to get you for sure because of your cracked skull and broken wrists from flight or fight.
What do you have to say about that, Knee Study? What does your "Only worry about the knee" committee want us to do with this information? If it's to be en garde and prepared -- well, it's that pre in prepared that concerns me.
It would appear that the only way to be sure of any potential Sudden Sharp Noise Injury Avoidance is to be alert but not too alert, because you'll just startle yourself prematurely in anticipation and then what happens if you fall and you break your bones and the noise startles you again and you can't get up now? I think the pre in prepare will make the actual startle even worse.
It's not that I think too much, Knee Committee, because consider this. Every time you hear a noise from now on, because you will be more worried about your knees because of this study thank you that was meant to prepare you (I'm guessing that's what you wanted), you will proactively be jumping because of what happened with the last surprise noise that made you jump and crack your elbows and now muscle memory has set in. Because that's how it works.
The only good advice I can give anyone who read this study like I did, is to put on headphones.
A knee brace and headphones.
And now I am as guilty as the newspaper publishing this study because look at the mess I got you into by even bringing this up.
Okay, new advice – Backtrack and forget you read this. I want you to go back to before the time of knee pre-fear and have you not pre-prepare for the pre-noises that could cause the pre-knee injuries.
If all else fails, just walk around with a clown. I just read a study that said clown presence in your life puts off knee replacement surgery by ten years.
* * *