If you want to make friends in real life, do the opposite of what I do.
If reading that first line above has you skimming through this post for quick and easy tips, then I'm putting money on you wanting to know how to get people to be friends with you.
I wish I could help you with that, but I had to turn to the internet for friends.
But here's an idea that my son suggested the other day, “Hey, mom, you should do a post called “Do the opposite of what I do to make friends since you don't have any in real life.”
Great idea, son, let's let them in on all my secrets of Living a Hermit Life.
And with a snap of a finger, because I can only snap my fingers on my right hand, a post is born. I promise you, if you do the opposite of what I do in my real life, then you stand a good chance of getting to know some human beings.
Follow these pointers below to a social life that consists of more than the people in your computer: (I love the people in my computer) -
1.) I forget breakfast. That means, do the opposite: begin your day with breakfast. Heading out the door after four cups of coffee and nil in the stomach makes for a very shaky school drop off (pun intended.) You don't want to be the mom in the car line laying on the horn to the van full of preschoolers being dropped off in front of you while you shout, "you droppin' off gramma or what?!"
2.) I wear my slippers a lot. Sure, I have my winter coat on over a pajama top, though I do have outside wearing pants on. So, this means you should dress in a manner that invites a good first impression. We all want to keep it real, but if your daily life involves jeans so stiff you can stand them in a corner, then it's time to change it up a little. Also? Use a real pony tail holder in your hair, and not the inked up red rubber band from that morning's newspaper. Trust me, the inked up rubber band could make it or break it with someone.
3.) Shoes. Shoes are nice – as I said, I wear slippers. Wear shoes. Your teen son's size eleven Converses tossed on your size seven feet, sans socks, do not count as shoes. People hand out friend points for shoes, but extra points if the ones on your feet are your own.
4.) Talk kindly about your children. A soft "Oh, heavens, I can't believe Johnny forgot his lunch" falls much better on the ears than "sonuvabeehive that kid of mine would forgot his head if it wasn't screwed on. I've half a mind to just let him go without – I don't care if they call home. We'll see how quickly he forgets his lunch again with the memory of hunger pangs..." or anything like that. I hear.
5.) I do not like to wake up. I have to talk myself through my morning saying, Smile Smile Smile Would it kill you to smile? So, you, friend-maker, Be Cheerful. Do not walk around with the biggest, blackest, most face-esconcing made in Italy sunglasses that money can buy on your face just because you don't feel like eye contact. Especially when it's cloudy out.
6.) Learn to make a great food for church or school potlucks. This is because I do deli pick up and dumps. If you don't take my word for it, and still decide to go and hit the up orange clearance deli sticker priced salads anyway, at least be sure it's not the advertised 99 cents a pound macaroni salad splayed across every flyer in town.
7.) Never begin a sentence with the words, No offense. I don't do this, but people have started sentences to me this way. This is a freebie gem for you, from me -- Don't say, "Gee, I wish I could be more like you and just let my kids screw up on their own, no offense." No offense does the opposite. It offends.
8.) Be alert for opportunities to show sincere praise. Loosen those lips and don't be afraid to give a compliment. My shyness much too often has me keeping my words of "Oh, I am digging your chunky zebra bangle right now" to myself. Do the opposite, give the praise, give the compliment. It works wonders to melt even the coldest, or shyest hearts, like mine.
9.) Be open and accessible. I kind of walk hunched over, because I'm always cold and really should get my thyroid checked out BUT this doesn't mean you should walk around looking like a comma.
Try out these nine steps of friending. See if you don't get invited to a new book club! Either way, report back and meet me online tomorrow morning. We'll raise a cup of coffee in hopes that you get lucky and the next person you meet, you charm the heck out of them.
My best advice, though, is to keep your eye open for someone with a morning newspaper rubber band in their hair. Now, those people are keepers.
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