How To Talk To Your Mom About Her Summer Shorts

What? These look awesome.

Summer is here. We've had a string of thunderstorms to prove it. The sun comes out and teases occasionally, but last week, I promised myself to be more of an optimist than usual, and I took the winter coats to the basement.

Then I went to my upstairs closet and looked for some shorts. Some that would fit. It was a long long winter filled with comfort food. I needed shorts, and had none... when temperatures get higher, shirt sleeves and pant legs get shorter and I had NO SHORTS.

I did, however, have a pair of high-waisted (or long-assed who are we kidding) Chico capris that my mother willed me, but my kids, being the awesome kids that they are, won't let me out of the house with them.

I trust my kids. When I write about them on FB, people comment to me that they're mean and don't know how to love their mother. While I won't unfriend based on those comments (I like the *hide further notifications from* button), I can tell you, my kids want what's best for me. So, I stand in front of them, and ask them, for their honest opinion: “How do I look?”

Any second of pause, is an automatic negative.

I've been able to decipher my kids' reactions over the 19 years that I've been a mother:

*stuttering and stammering, eyes cast downward: This trumps everything: TAKE IT OFF. But there is more subtle dialogue, like this:

1. “Oh, it’s not you. NO ONE looks good in tangerine. Really. I read it in your Cosmo. Not even Giselle. That’s why you never see her in it.” Translation: Take It Off.
2. “You know what’s really cool about your body? How it was MADE for black. Most people look sad in black, but not you. You rock the black. Hang on… let me run out and get you some black.” Translation: Take It Off.
3. “You look A-mazing. Too good. Dad/Mom won’t be able to stand how good you look. Better not wear them, last thing you need is a jealous fight.” Translation: Take It Off.
4. “Oh, man. It’s just too hard. Let’s go see what else you have in the closet. Bet you’ll look good in anything today!” Translation: Take It Off.
5. “Gosh. You’ve always been so brave. Wearing orange on your butt like that. Wow. You’ve never been afraid of anything.” Translation: Take It Off.

The greatest gift you can give your mother when she's desperate for summer-wear close to losing her mind, I mean anyone thinking coral capris are a go? is to imagine her, standing there, the woman you love, with coral orange culottes splayed across her ample amplitude.

My advice to your dear children is to have them pull you away from the Summer of '94 shorts collection. Have them tell you they'd rather spend this time together over a caramel macchiato, while you're in a waistless sundress. Have them remind you that you already have clothes that you look boss in. Just stay home and you'll be looking good.

Have a heart to heart, now's the time for honest dialogue, give them key phrases that you'll understand like: Step Away From The Coral. Put Down The Jorts.

Look, I know the pants fit and they're comfy, but instruct your children to tell you the truth: That coral waistbands that sit under your breasts is the same thing as giving up. And they love you too much to have anything to do with that.

Not that I would know just how good it feels, to give up.

So good.

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What a Woman Is Worth

"The question of our worth lies at the root of so many things that hold us back in shame, fear, or doubt. This book is a brave inspiring work for all who read it."


Tamara Lunardo has gathered 30 stories of real life and real faith; shared accounts of women and the way that life and its experiences, have reassured them of their worth in our world. With challenging honesty and bold vulnerability, women come forth to create a community that affirms the inestimable worth of being who they are.

What a Woman Is Worth is a valuable collection that promises to inspire and re-ignite our role in this world. This anthology is a celebration of womanhood and a testament to our bravery.

It was over three years ago when I heard of an open call for submissions for an upcoming anthology of women's stories on how they had come to feel the gift of being a woman. With hope, I had sent in a true story, that of being a woman as seen through my grandmother's eyes.

It has been a long three year wait, but I am proud to share the news that What a Woman Is Worth has been published by Civitas Press, and my story on my grandmother, "Blessed To Be a Woman," is included in this collection. This book is a riveting, uplifting, sometimes heartbreaking, but always triumphant, anthology of thirty life stories.

I found it beautiful and redemptive.

I'm giving away a copy. If you'd like it for yourself, or for someone you know who is struggling to feel for themselves why we matter, please leave your name here in comments. To order additional copies, please visit amazon here.

Thank you so much. And thank you, for being here, to share in my joy. I am thrilled to have an essay included in this collection..

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How To Take a Good Picture

I used to think that you needed to take a photography class at your local community college before you could learn to take a good picture. Skills? For what? Things have pretty much whittled down to nothing more than selfies anyway. A photo of you, a decent one, is all you really need to know how to do.

 

Tired of pictures showing me with three chins and a forehead looking like it was lined with ten earthworms, I googled a youtube tutorial. After just 58 seconds of How To Take That Selfie I was ready to hit the ground running.

What I learned was pretty basic, and yet, it had escaped me. I feel confident enough to say that I can now take pictures of my family and my face without filling up my iPad with 1,349 photos -- which is how it's been going.

All you really need to do is to capture who you are. PERSONALITY. Personality is what blinds the camera. When you're no longer young, the camera doesn't let you forget that. So, be you with a capital Y and tell a story with your face. That's the key to watching your photogenicity... ty... ty go straight through the roof.

I know, I know, you've been told by photography sites that you need to get Up Close! But, not in a selfie case. Distance is your friend. And more than ten feet away, is your lover. Well, really, you can do it two ways, now that I remember. Get SOOPER close, where just like an 1/8 inch patch of your face shows, or get far far away, like across the street and a block away. That works great, too.

And finally, go against all photo sites, yet again. No need to “hold it, hold it, steady now...” You want a shaky cam because a shaky cam is a blurred image. And a blurred image works like that $80 dollar bottle of lotion for your face that promises ten years off in 79.4 days. You can call them “caught in the action” shots, a beautiful hurried moment in your busy busy important life. I know them as Thermalift in camera form.

Having doubts about my advice? It's tried and true, see for yourself. I post selfies on FB all day long:

 

 

Sorry, I've got no advice about any messes in the background. Except clean it up. Or keep it real. Either way.

 

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The Week's Best

As always, good stuff on the internet this week. Sharing a few with you tonight. Pick one, pick two, and enjoy the read!

--For those who like to find a good read, here's one I fell in love with from a brand new to me blog: O Mighty Crisis (you'll love this story, goosebumps)

--From the blog, The Mind Unleashed, 22 Unbelievable Places To Visit That Really Exist. (so exquisite and lovely to daydream about)

--From one of my favorite people on the internet, the bloggess, writing on how good it feels to feel good. We all have those days -- for me, it would be when a migraine finally leaves -- that remind us of just how light we are when we are free of pain, heartfelt or bodyfelt: "There's a moment"

--From the blogger at Smacksy, Lisa Page Rosenberg, writing with humor and sincerity about her new venture into raw eating. Easy to follow, true life experiences, she tries food in a variety of ways and tells of how life changing the switch to raw has been for her and her family. I really like it. Check her out on My Raw Blog. 

Enjoy the summer, everyone!

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My List of Superpowers

My Weight Manipulation Power – a thing to marvel. Given enough spandex and acrylic blend, I am able to fit 5 '5” of this, into amounts of fabric you wouldn't believe.

++++

I'm not the person I appear to be. Of course, I am the blogger behind this blog, but there is much I haven't divulged. With all the Marvel comic book movies and Super Hero movies out this summer, the time seems right to make this announcement.

I have Superpowers. Or super powers. Also super-powers.

I don't blow things up, except for out of proportion. I don't rearrange furniture telepathically, I mean, I have my teenage sons for that. What I'm doing here today is coming super-clean about some super-extra abilities.

Like, my Super Cleaning Up for Surprise Company Power. It's every drawer, closet, under the sofa and under the bed space for themselves.

My Ability to Spot the Pretend Shower Takers in the house. I stealthily walk past and grab a sniff of their certain best giveaway emitting spots.

My Sonic Scream, comes with a side of super yelling power.

My Ability to Drive Way too Fast in Roundabouts Power then complaining about not *getting* roundabouts but then being aggressive in them. (ain't nobody entering this roundabout while I'm in the house)

My Keeping the House Clean for Over Five Hours Power. A lot to believe, but then, super power, remember?

My Smart Power. I can dazzle the members of this household into thinking I hold ten PhDs.

My Mystifying Power. This very same brilliance that dazzles becomes a point of bewilderment when they see me trying to figure out a smartphone.

My Reality Changing Power. I can change the way my kids' weekends are going to go versus the way they think their weekend is about to go with a snap, in the face of any smart a** lip.

My Embellishing Power. Who retells a family tale better than me? Very few, my beautiful children.  But, feel welcome to try.

My Stand Up to Bullies Power. Affectionately called, “I have no problem calling parents on the phone” power.

My Band-aid Power. Sadly, no one has requested this superpower for at least three years.

My Getting Kids to Bed Power. Unequalled when presented along with my Power slogan,  "Ya stay up, ya clean up.”

Meanest Mom Power. I'm a pro at this.

My Age Manipulation Power. I'm able to resist and deny the AARP cards and offers to teach Silver Zumba that arrive in my mailbox with an alarming growing frequency.

My Ability to Cause Waves of Nausea with my On the Spot Rapping to the Radio Power. Often confused with car sickness.

The good news is this, I'm still pretty much the person you've come to know here. I've just decided you should know that there's a reason it looks like I get more done than is humanly possible. It's about time we all start telling the truth about ourselves and quit pretending, that we have no extra help.

*UPDATE: new super power has just been added, that of Unfairest Mom. 

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