|My Weight Manipulation Power – a thing to marvel. Given enough spandex and acrylic blend, I am able to fit 5 '5” of this, into amounts of fabric you wouldn't believe.|
I have Superpowers. Or super powers. Also super-powers.
I don't blow things up, except for out of proportion. I don't rearrange furniture telepathically, I mean, I have my teenage sons for that. What I'm doing here today is coming super-clean about some super-extra abilities.
Like, my Super Cleaning Up for Surprise Company Power. It's every drawer, closet, under the sofa and under the bed space for themselves.
My Ability to Spot the Pretend Shower Takers in the house. I stealthily walk past and grab a sniff of their certain best giveaway emitting spots.
My Sonic Scream, comes with a side of super yelling power.
My Ability to Drive Way too Fast in Roundabouts Power then complaining about not *getting* roundabouts but then being aggressive in them. (ain't nobody entering this roundabout while I'm in the house)
My Keeping the House Clean for Over Five Hours Power. A lot to believe, but then, super power, remember?
My Smart Power. I can dazzle the members of this household into thinking I hold ten PhDs.
My Mystifying Power. This very same brilliance that dazzles becomes a point of bewilderment when they see me trying to figure out a smartphone.
My Reality Changing Power. I can change the way my kids' weekends are going to go versus the way they think their weekend is about to go with a snap, in the face of any smart a** lip.
My Embellishing Power. Who retells a family tale better than me? Very few, my beautiful children. But, feel welcome to try.
My Stand Up to Bullies Power. Affectionately called, “I have no problem calling parents on the phone” power.
My Band-aid Power. Sadly, no one has requested this superpower for at least three years.
My Getting Kids to Bed Power. Unequalled when presented along with my Power slogan, "Ya stay up, ya clean up.”
Meanest Mom Power. I'm a pro at this.
My Age Manipulation Power. I'm able to resist and deny the AARP cards and offers to teach Silver Zumba that arrive in my mailbox with an alarming growing frequency.
My Ability to Cause Waves of Nausea with my On the Spot Rapping to the Radio Power. Often confused with car sickness.
The good news is this, I'm still pretty much the person you've come to know here. I've just decided you should know that there's a reason it looks like I get more done than is humanly possible. It's about time we all start telling the truth about ourselves and quit pretending, that we have no extra help.
*UPDATE: new super power has just been added, that of Unfairest Mom.
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