Thursday, September 29, 2011

I Scare Nice People


I am laughing as I type this.

My husband is reading over my shoulder, telling me I should call today's post, "Things I Like To Do." Or "Things He'd Like To Forget."

I think "I Scare Nice People" -- best possible title ever.

Because anyone who has been reading me for awhile knows-- and we've been over this before: not that there is any one thing wrong with me, just several little things....nothing enough to be called a red flag. Just a few light pink flagettes here and there.

I like to scare nice people. I like to scare the nicest people of all, like my husband.

It's something I can't help....to turn him into a dancing bug-eyed fool, few things bring me more joy.

Before anyone jumps on me about his age! his heart! what will the children do?? I can promise you that I know his family history and follow his most recent physical exams, checking that BP, heart rate, cardiac risk factors, are all well within normal bounce back from scared s***less fright range.

The most recent exhilarating episode fell right into my lap, perfectly timed, while we were home on a weekend night watching BatMan Begins.

In this movie, there is a heart pounding 20 second segment where the breathtaking Cillian Murphy, playing the mentally unstable Scarecrow, drives an asylum patient into madness.

He could be a Victoria's Secret angel (or mine)
It is cinematography wonder; filmed in broken, twitchy frames showing close ups of an unevenly stitched burlap sacked head. It is the unexpected beauty of Cillian Murphy inside that bag, with him being so sadistic mastermind certifiable, that makes this scene just the horror that it is.

So much scarier in a dark living room at 11 PM

It took all of half a second for me to know just what I'd be doing before the film was over.

I excused myself to go to the bathroom and left my husband sitting in the dark--watching the horror of the psychoness of Scarecrow unfold.

Quietly, I went upstairs instead. Once on the second floor, I pulled a pillowcase and scarf out of the bedroom closet and tiptoed back down to the bottom of the stairs, just ten feet from where my husband was watching Scarecrow drive some poor hanging on to sanity by his fingernails asylum patient to the edge of his psychological cliff. I sat on the bottom step and placed the pillowcase over my head, tying the scarf loosely around my neck. 

I slipped my shoe off, and threw it, hard, against the staircase wall.

And then I waited.

I knew my husband would come check on the noise. I had to press my lips hard to keep from laughing in delirious anticipation.

When I heard him call my name, I just about yelped out in glee.

At the sound of him getting up from the sofa, I had to bite my thumb to keep myself quiet.

The sound of his footsteps coming in my direction had me holding my breath and chewing the inside of my cheek.

HE WAS COMING.

I tucked myself into the corner of the stair, crouched into the very wedge, pillowcase over my head, scarf securely around my neck, excited beyond words. He was just steps away now. It was dark, he took one step up and stumbled into me.

I heard the "what the..?" and then....THEN, I felt his tentative hand reach out and perfectly land on my clothed head.

Sweet lord make it stop!!

OH! The long awaited prize of his yell.

How I live for that first yell when things are moving too fast for his brain to understand.

Not able to hold back my laughter, I pulled off the pillowcase, blessedly in time to see him blinking faster than a strobe light and dancing in place as he tried to figure out what was going on.

He mumbled something about one of these days this will all take its toll.

In my defense, he was George Clooney grey when I met him.

Honest.
________________________________

83 comments:

  1. hahahaha I love doing stuff like that! Of course, you have to be willing to take it, too.... which is why my dad gave my son a giant (plastic) spider and told him to go show Mommy.
    I'm still recovering.

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  2. ooohhh you are so bad... that's why he chose you, because he knew life would be e.x.c.i.t.i.n.g. Not exactly how he had probably pictured it, but exciting none the less !
    Dana

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  3. You crazy goof! LOL! I don't have to put a pillowcase over my head to scare the heck out of my hubby and most of the time I'm not even trying.

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  4. OMG! Never a dull moment! I would have expired right there on the spot!

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  5. Ah, my friends and family know not to scare me. I swing first and ask questions later.

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  6. I sending you a ticket to LA to stay with us during Halloween. My hubby is partner in a Haunt business. He could use your skills...

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  7. I am laughing SO hard right now.

    So hard, that I just woke up my husband with my laughter. And then I read this to him, to which he replied, "are you related to this woman?", which was possibly the nicest thing he has said to me this week.

    Also..."pink flagettes" I puffy heart love that.

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  8. Automatic weapons fire can be very damaging to a marriage. Just sayin'...

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  9. That's classic! Love it and it's not even Halloween! What will you do then?!

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  10. Oh my gosh girl! I am totally laughing but totally pitying your husband right now.

    What's that Scripture? Oh yes! Proverbs 26:18-19 "Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man (woman) who deceives his neighbor (husband) and says, "I was only joking!"

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  11. hahahaha....oh it would so be a war...

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  12. hahahahaha so funny! That would totally scare my husband, but then he is easily scared.

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  13. BWAHAHA priceless!

    I SO like you.

    I'm not quite the prankster I used to be, but yeah, making people jump, squirm, scream, turn red? PRICELESS ENTERTAINMENT.

    You rock.

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  14. Oh my word I am laughing so hard right now! You are so unbelievably awesome! Totally needed this....bahahaha

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  15. Oh my! It didn't occur to me that you meant SCARE, scare, as in "YIKES". Dare we ask what it takes for the trick-or-treaters to get candy at your house? I admire your originality and "fun"!

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  16. Oh, you!

    I'm thinking that's all there is yo say here!

    XO

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  17. I'm giggling so very hard right now. I've had that scarecrow in my basement in the dark and I KNOW how scary it is, so for there to be an actual one outside the tv, inside the house...and now I can't stop laughing at what his face must have looked like.

    I am not an initial scare person. But I am most definitely a get-back scare person. You scare me on purpose -- it's on.

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  18. Ha! Good one! Is something about the birthday date? My husband loves to scare people too ; )

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  19. Dying. Absolutely dying.

    My dad used to let us watch "scary" movies like Nightmare on Elm Street, and would creep behind the couch to scare us at opportune moments. He would find this story to be genius.

    While I'm laughing, I personally wouldn't be able to sleep for three days if it would have happened to me.

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  20. So happy to see that no one is telling me I'm shortening my dear husband's life.

    Seriously: in the scare vulnerability gullibility dept, I married the best.

    Who knew.

    Glad you all had a good laugh.

    Makes my day.

    xo

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  21. It is so fun to read about it happening to other people. I don't take scares well.

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  22. Oh I hate being scared, I never find it funny, if done TO Me...now other people...

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  23. That is too mean. My husband does stuff like that to scare me all the time and I hate it.

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  24. This is so awesome! I do "sneak attacks" on my husband, and I got him really good last week, so I share your joy and thrill!

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  25. Oh that is too funny! I had to keep myself from giggling ahead of the actual scare as you were as well! My husband thinks he's cleaver and tries to hide behind something to pop out and scare me but he's over 6ft so I see him every time....so I scare him before he gets a chance!

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  26. You get it!

    You all get it!

    the thrill, the joy...the scaring the crap out of them.

    Oh, so much fun.

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  27. Hahahaha! You are my hero, just sayin'. That sounds like something I would do...but to my kids...which would backfire and scar them for life. I'm already prepared to pay a heavy amount of therapy bills for my shenanigans.

    "light pink flagettes", yes me too, except mine have a strob and disco ball attached! Good thing I like shiny things!

    Great post!

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  28. My husband and I are both convinced that I will die of fright one day. I scare easy and I have a wonky heart. So I guess I'm glad I don't live at your house.

    You're mean!

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  29. LMAO! This is precisely why my husband refuses to watch scary movies with me! I love it!

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  30. This took creativity. I'm more of a simple jump out and yell boo! kind of girl.

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  31. Oh dear Lord... This is why I don't watch scary movies. I jump (and yell) so easily.

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  32. Your husbands suggestion of "Things He'd like to forget" is pretty good.

    Practical jokes that work are always funny!

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  33. Hehehe - that's awesome!
    I like his suggestion too.
    I think my husband's first reflex was to punch... or pee. HAHAHAHA.

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  34. I do enjoy a good scaring the crap out of someone post. Well done. And please don't ever come to my house.

    I'm not kidding.

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  35. Oh you terrible, awful, wonderfully delightful woman!
    I want to live with you. You're fun.

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  36. Oh my gosh you are hilarious, who else does these things but you? You are the perfect boy mama.

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  37. Believe me, some days, I feel so responsible for his left eye twitch.

    Only some days.

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  38. Brilliant! I wish I had the comedic timing to pull this off...but I can still make the Big Man twitch, just by walking in with arm full of "loaded" shopping bags. Works every time!

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  39. HILARIOUS!!!! I totally do this to my husband but he isn't nearly as fun as your apparently. We also team up and scare the crap out of my mother-in-law, that's always tons of fun!
    You seriously crack me up!!!!

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  40. HOLY JESUS!!!!! I hate horror movies and being scared, I cannot even scare another person without being scared myself. You and I cannot room together anytime soon....and don't think I won't be wise to the fact that now I have ur bullseye on my head. Just make sure I took my BP medicine that day!!!!! ;)

    You are so awesome and funny!

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  41. I remember three decades ago ~ watching the movie The Shining at home with my dad.

    I was scared crapless.

    After the movie, he stood and started staring at me. And staring. And opening his eyes really wide.

    I'm pretty sure I wet my pants and he didn't even chase me around the room.

    So yeah. I could be married to you is what I'm saying.

    I'm that easy to terrify...

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  42. You're evil! I love scaring my husband, but I HATE being scared.

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  43. I can't believe he's worried about the toll it's taking instead of plotting his revenge. What is he? A saint? Shoot me his email address so he and I can conspire. Payback is a beyotch, my friend.

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  44. I wish I could do stuff like this, but my husband's family all have early heart attacks, and I don't want him to end up with one. Hilarious, so I will live vicariously through you.

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  45. If he kicks the bucket you could stuff him and prop him up against the fireplace.

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  46. YESSS! I LOVE YOU! I do shit like this all the time. I take much pleasure in scaring the bejesus out of my loved ones! Even my kids aren't safe; though that usually comes back to bite me in a big way when I'm sleeping with one or the other for like 2 weeks after the fact. :^Z Still worth sometimes though. By the way...all I could think about when reading this was one of my all time YouTube fav's. You've probably already seen this but what the hell...it's still freakin hilarious every time you watch it!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9r0MlhqoeE

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  47. That? Is hysterical.

    Also I don't have to feel guilty any longer for my husband's 3 AM (6 on the east coast) phone call to our room when we at BlogHer this summer -- the one that made you jump out of bed thinking it was the alarm and time to start your day.

    I see now it was merely payback in advance for something you're going to do to me in the future.

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  48. Oh, the comments here are cracking my husband up.

    Initially, he was positive the response would have been one of "poor man," now he sees: lady bloggers...we're all kinds of twisted.

    xo Love you guys.

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  49. Girl, you are going to bring on early incontinence in that man!

    (Good one, btw - heh.)

    XO

    A.

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  50. Bravo!
    I'm always the one getting the crap scared out of...but then I make him feel bad by saying "Honey, I can't jump like that! Think about my bad back!!" and he normally feels super guilty...and when he goes in for a "I'm sorry hug" I either give him a tit twister or wet Willie...cause I'm nice like that ;)

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  51. One day, I fear you're going to get murdered.

    And that'd just make the Internet sad.

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  52. Scary Movie Rental: 3.50
    Microwave popcorn and soda: $5.00
    Scaring the crap out of your husband so he almost pees his pants: hilariously priceless!

    I could not live with you, I would have had a heart attack already - I am so easily scared it's not even funny...well you would think it was..

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  53. Oh my gosh, so mean and funny! Although, I'm an easily scared person. Maybe this just makes me hate you. :)

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  54. We are never rooming together at BlogHer. Don't even bother asking. Between your scary antics and my need to get back at people who scare me? We'd be up all week.

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  55. He fell for it. He should know you better by now. So funny. Hubby and I used to hide and scare each other but it got too scary and we stopped. Of course we are much older than you are and probably the arteries are not as clear as yours.

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  56. That is SOOOOOOOOOOOO mean. Empress! Shame on torturing your husband!

    I hate when people purposely try to scare the shit out of others.

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  57. LOL!! That is hilarious and for some reason I can totally see you doing it!

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  58. Hey, can't believe how many of you are skeert to have me over.

    Really.

    I'm loads of fun.

    Just ask me.

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  59. I think I love you! And suddenly, I feel less bad for scaring my dog. God, I just love to see her slide across the floor in a panic!

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  60. Oh, this is great.

    My sister will stand outside the window, in near dark, waiting for someone to notice that she's there.

    It's hilarious.

    PS Watch The Strangers for even more masked creepiness.

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  61. Oh my god that is so awesome. I love scaring Joel too. It probably makes me a horrible person but very few things make me laugh harder.

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  62. Hahahahahaha...*deep breath*...hahahaha! That was great. My eyes are tearing up. I was feeling the anticipation with you as he went over to the staircase and then the dancing and strobe light blinking sent me right over the edge.

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  63. Haha that is awesome! Now that's one way to spice up a marriage :)

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  64. Oh my gosh, you are my new hero!

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  65. Why does nice people abide in a realm? Why does nice people gladden i scare? Nice people starves into i scare. A hobby tempts this crack below a dominating manpower. Nice people knifes the backbone on top of a sock. A baffling piece strikes i scare.

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  66. Okay -- interracial dating sites where? The Casbah? I have no idea what the above means. Perhaps it's the outline for a Bertold Brecht play? Anyway....

    Cillian Murphey's your type eh? Perverse in a delicious, unexpected way. I would've pegged you for Clive Owen. And I couldn't help but click on the George Clooney link. That bachelor's gettin' old!

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  67. Oh my goodness. You are TOO FUNNY. (wetting my pants here) the bit about throwing the shoe (the thoroughness of your plan) and (poor him) 'blinking faster than a strobe light and dancing in place' I feel a new sense of admiration . And identification! (though I've never gone anywhere close to this far)

    My poor husband is Gullible. One time he was working outside with his prized 'Milwaukee Drill'...long orange extension cord trailing out of the house and across the garden. He was called inside for a phone call and it looked like rain so I brought in the drill and the extension cord.

    Hours later, resurfacing from a series of distractions, he headed back out to finish the job. I saw him studying the job site, trying to remember something. "Annie, didn't I leave my Milwaukee Drill--?" I couldn't resist: "Ohhhh. Is that what they were doing? There was a bunch of squirrels dragging something over the fence --" (GASP of horror and evident complete buying of ridiculous story by poor husband)

    But now you've empowered me to go much much further with pranks. Thank you!

    PS Love your husband's comment.

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  68. This is the very sort of thing that makes life worth living. And what a good sport that man of yours is. Just keep you eye out for that karma chick. I hear she's a real bitch.

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  69. April Fool's Day must feel like Christmas at your house!

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  70. You are pure evil genius. The key is to get the pillowcase off just in the right amount of time before he comes to his senses and decides to slug you.....

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  71. I did something similar to one of my kids.

    They should stop sleeping with a nightlight by 18, right?

    It's totally not my fault.

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  72. LMAO!!!!

    Oh girl- the only thing better would be if you'd vlogged it!

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  73. LMAO!!!! Omg, Alexandra--I think I would have peed my pants if I were your hubby but this is downright hysterical. Of course that means there's a payback in your future, you do realize this, yes?

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  74. You all are just as sick as I am.

    How wonderful.

    xo

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  75. HAHAHAHAAH!
    THAT is AWESOME!!!

    What a great idea (that I am now using)

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  76. This is bittersweet to discover. On the one hand, I like picturing you excited beyond words, crouching on the stair. On the other, I can't handle that kind of stress, so now must face fact that we'll never be Sister Wives.

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  77. I think practical jokes are the key to marital success. Or loads of sex, but really, who has the time?

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  78. Oh my god I'm laughing so hard my cheeks and my belly hurt! I started laughing as soon as you got up from the couch, anticipating the HILARITY.

    You are awesome.

    Reminds me of when the first Scream movie came out. Back then, horror movies terrified me to the extreme. I thought that ghost face mask was the scariest thing EVER (yes, I was a wimp. I've since recovered.) So my friend, lovely girl she is, brings a glow-in-the-dark ghost face mask to my house on a sleepover. Once all the lights went out for us to watch a movie, she comes at me wearing that thing! I swear, I punched her in the face and screamed so loud...

    She got mad that I punched her.

    She deserved it. She knew how freaked out I got about that stupid mask. ;)

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  79. Guess what I got to do again tonight?

    We watched Aliens and YES!

    I did it to him again.


    Poor man, 17 years later, and he just won't learn.

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