Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Grunting You Hear Is A Dead Giveaway



I don't even notice that I do it. I can't hear a thing. But I'm told it goes on.

As I plopped my fat butt down onto the footstool after work today, my body making contact with the cushioned leather seat, I let out a big oooophtah.

Taking a deep breath in, I bent over to remove my rain boots, I'm told I accompanied that movement with a sound reminiscent of a Russian weight lifter. Struggling to pull my snug boots off, I let out a strained aaaayyngyaaah sound, as the boots finally gave way and my strangled feet were set free. The relief was so sweet from the eight spent in vise-grip crampedness that I couldn't help but let out an appreciative sigh reserved for a more private room.

Stretched out against the brown leather chair, I finally relaxed after being gone from home all day. I let the air out of my body like a slowly deflating balloon. Audibly. And my children had to let me know about it:

Mom. You can tell you're getting old because you make a noise every time you do something, just like old people do. You sound like a dead person trying to get up.

What? I do not.

Yes, Mom. You do.

And with the snap of a finger, my three angels descended upon me like jackals surrounding a fresh kill. They continued:

It's like you have to announce every move you make, Mom. Pulling off your shoes, hanging up your coat, unloading the dishwasher, making the beds, carrying the laundry upstairs. It's ALL THE TIME, Mom.

Really? I announce everything every time I do something? And this bothers you? All of you? 

It drives us nuts. You're old.

How much does it get on your nerves? I mean, does it get on your nerves so much you'd give anything to not hear it?

Mom. Seriously. Have you ever heard yourself parallel park?

Hm. Well, then, seems to me this is all easily fixed. If I make annoying sounds with every buttload of work I do around here, how about YOU all empty the dishwasher, make the beds, carry the laundry, take off my shoes ... Voila. No more grunts and groans from your gramma mama.

::crickets::

What I thought. Now, if you all will excuse me. I've got to get up off this chair and start some dinner ... nnnnnnyyghaaa ... one of you boys help me up, will you?




Photo cc

47 comments:

  1. My MIL makes noises all the time and we make fun of her. It's these really loud, obnoxious yawns that drive us batshit crazy. And it's funny b/c she is retired, and does nothing but shop, go out to eat, and hang w/ friends all day. I guess that could make one tired....

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  2. Love it. Shut those unappreciative kids up! Make all the groans and grunts you want.

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  3. Old people AND pregnant women.

    We're a noisy bunch.

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  4. Tell them to be happy the noises are coming out of your mouth!

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    Replies
    1. Andrea: BEST comment ever. Cracked my boys up. I love you.

      Delete
  5. Don't ever mess with a tired mama!

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  6. Yep, me too! Hubby is always making comments about it, but never seems to notice he does the same thing... and has been doing it longer than me!

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  7. It's a good thing I live alone because the sounds I make are not so much sounds as Really Bad Words. Apparently I've lost my patience along the way and now if taking off a shoe takes more than 3 seconds I WILL KILL EVERYONE. Taking a shirt off over my head should be filmed and shown to kids with the title "Don't let this happen to you."

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  8. Oh dear, 26 must be the new old then because I am a big noisemaker.

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  9. My husband makes "old man noises." Who knew you did too? Haha.

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  10. I find myself walking up the stairs like I'm 9 months pregnant. One hand on railing, one on lower back. Step...by...step. I was so sore getting out of bed today. I think I'm pre-geriatric.

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  11. So funny!!

    I'm really aware of the noises other people make. I notice it most when in a public bathroom. For some people, just the act of unzipping their pants elicits a moan. It cracks me up, but I will FREAK OUT the day I start doing it. ;-)

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    Replies
    1. I'm sure my bathroom noises are right around the corner...good to see you!!

      Delete
  12. Damn straight. Now excuse me, I have to get up and grab my cup of coffee.

    Nnnnyyyyggghhhaaa....

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  13. It's easy to be perfect when you're young. I only know because of the ribbing my sister and I give my mom. If she ever gets younger than us, we're in trouble

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  14. It's not oldness, believe me! The boy does this going up the stairs or trying to lift something (even his jacket). Left foot: oooph. Right foot: oooph. Left foot: oooph. Stand still to breathe. Wipe forehead. Look back at mommy like please pick me up, walking is hard. Right foot: oooph. A the top: hands on hips and biiiiiiiiiiig exhale. HE'S TWO! It's hilarious b/c everything is so labored.

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  15. Oh Gawd. Now I'm wondering if I do it too...

    I bet I do.

    Well. At least ONE of my kids won't be complaining about listening to my grunts and groans...

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    Replies
    1. Oh. You are SO naughty.

      Love you, Tulpen.

      Delete
  16. That's why I'm never getting old.
    I wish my skin and hair would listen though.
    m.

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    Replies
    1. Mark.

      Stop.

      You know you will go to your grave being the handsomest man on blogger.

      xo

      Delete
  17. Yesterday I leaned over to take out the garbage and my body creaked and groaned. With the timing of a turn of the 20th century vaudevile comedian, my 7-year-old daughter says, "daddy, go slow so you don't get hurt, I'm going to need you to help me with homework later".

    Right now my three best friends (after my wife) are my blog, my fantasy league baseball team, and ibuprofen.

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  18. lol! My husband makes noises when he drives...like around corners and stuff? I swear when the boys start driving I'm going to have to explain that's not really part of it--I caught them making the same ones on their bikes!

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  19. The dreaded groan. I don't have it yet, but I'm sure it can't be long. Because then it'll give my kids something to make fun of my about!

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  20. I'm willing to bet that if I ask my kids about this when I pick them up from school today, they'll admit I do my share of grunting and groaning...

    As it is, they regularly stop and stare at me when I'm doing something awesome (like car-dancing or singing with a spatula in the kitchen) and say something like this:

    "Mom. No. Just....no."

    (They're so damn lucky.)

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  21. My kids are still too young to be too mortified/observant. Although my son is on the cusp of calling me out (i.e. walking in on me getting dressed and yelling "THE HORROR!" which sounded more like "THE WHORE!"...either way, not good...)

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  22. I'm 31 and make those noises.
    If you put your ear up to my back, you can hear the metal twisting in there.
    It's kind of like listening to the ocean in a shell...only you'll hear nothing but bionic-ness. Like Chuck Norris.

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  23. I just turned th-th-thirty and I make those noises...
    but oy! My back aches and my feet ache...these kids always have me doing something...
    and I chaperoned my kids' field trips two days in a row this week...
    must. sit. quietly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a slipper slope, that's how it begins: without us KNOWING.

      Thanks for stopping by!! Your video What They're Really Saying was just about viral, girl!

      Delete
  24. I hadn't stopped to think about it until now. However, now I realize that I make those noises All. The. Time. Kinda funny. I think I'll just own them with pride.

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  25. Oy vey! The ingrates. They will miss those noises one day. They'll always laugh about them, but then they will cry.

    By the way, how are your hips? ;-)

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  26. OMG, I was just talking to another woman about this. I don't know when the grunting started here, but it's definitely "on."

    "Unh!" <---- See? And that was just the sound of pushing the Enter key!

    XO

    A.

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  27. Omg. I audibly sigh all freaking day. I try not to, but I do. And I don't notice until its out of my mouth. I'm embracing it now. I'm "The Sigher."

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  28. Nnnnngghhaaaaa!
    That's the sound of me clicking the share button, because I understand all too well.

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  29. You are a genius. I will remember that answer. Mostly, I just creeeeeek.

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    Replies
    1. The creaaaakkk..

      The pop pop pop like popcorn.

      And other *ahem* less polite noises as "things" loosen up a bit.

      Ah, yes, don't we just become so dang lovely?

      GREAT to see you, sweet friend.

      Delete
  30. i have noticed i literally collapse into the sofa, along with a groan, so it's like one big explosion of sounds:)

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  31. Uh oh. I love you and your so-not-fat butt, but my mom TOTALLY makes a noise when she sits down!

    This is not good, Alexandra. ;-)

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  32. Bahahaha ok now I'm mad at you for making me aware of my old lady noises!

    When I was at the doctor this week I asked her about the skin on my chest. It's got these little red marks, like a vein broke and is a bit bumpy. I was worried I needed a dermotologist....she looked at me, smiled and welcomed me to aging....

    Not bloody impressed, now I'm researching fixes everywhere!

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  33. I announce every time I get up too! I say "ooohhh my back." or "aaahhhh my side."
    No one has every told me it's annoying.
    I'm going to watch closely for body language now... and get a physical.

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  34. You're/they're right! We make noises. When I take off my shoes, when I back out of my driveway, when I don't know what to do with my life.... Wow.
    xo

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  35. *giggles* Darlin', I'm right there with you - only my kids don't know well enough to heckle me yet. Mostly, they're totally entertained by the whole ordeal. They have decided I'm mimicking an animal or a muppet and scramble to guess which one.... On the other hand, perhaps the heckling would be slightly less offensive ;) xo

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  36. hee :) I do the same thing. Sometimes you just have to proclaim your exhaustion. I imagine asking for a bit of help around the house might lead to a chorus of crickets.

    Love this photo. This woman seems so sweet!

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  37. aaah ... guilty too!
    But was just advised by a friend to quit telling everyone that i am just very old.
    She doesn't think its good for my karma ;)

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  38. What would we do without the honesty of our kids ;) ? Gotta love them.

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  39. I do this all the time. I think I am allowed though, right? I'm training for a year of marathon running :-)

    Only the other day, as I was stretching after a run (and oaehhhhhheing and aaaahing), my girlfriend said: 'Hey, do you HAVE to be so dramatic when you stretch? Do you make all those painful sounds if I am not here".

    To prove her wrong, I now do all the sounds, even when alone. My neighbours probably think I am either murdering someone or I'm a nymphomaniac.

    ReplyDelete

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