Thursday, December 13, 2012

Breaking News: Titanic Sinks and Social Media Interferes With Real Life



photo credit: Heritage Vancouver via photopin cc
We were all sitting at the family dermatologist's office (yeah, group rate, what of it?) waiting for our names to be called. I was flipping through magazines older than the hills telling me a ship called the Titanic sank, when I saw an article in a magazine from 2009. The blistering title and byline was "Social Media--It's Taking You Away From Your Real Life."

The paragraphs go on to tell me all that I could be doing by logging off. Strengthening real life relationships (like online ones aren't real?), developing a hobby (got one, it's twitter), exercising (bawk! that chicken sound, you know?), and re-organizing my life (what's wrong with sitting on laundry?).

Right, all these things I could be doing. Could. That's the kicker there, the author assumes I'd be doing things if I weren't online. Oh, my sides, my sides from the laughter. Yeah no not so much.

Here's my list of "All I Could Be Doing If I Weren't Online":

--Staring at my fingernails, willing my lazy butt go get out of the house and get a manicure.

--Poking around snack cabinet deciding on what to have for second breakfast.

--Walking around the house with two pairs of socks on to stretch out my new winter boots.

--Letting Bethenny Now! exercise DVD play in background while I finish up sweetnsalty chips kids left out last night.

--Walk downstairs to basement with intention to cull toys dvds books. Walk back upstairs after three minutes.

--Be at local yoga class where teacher there always waits until I'm relaxed with my eyes closed to sneak up on me and make me jump ten feet into the air by whispering "namaste" into my ear.

--Or I could be at Zumba, where instructor tries again to talk me into leading Zumba Silver.

--Pull blankets off beds to let sheets "breathe" as Martha Stewart Living advises. Consider that my gold bar of housekeeping for the day.

--Decide to have lunch with kids at school, show up with McDonald's bags only to have them grab bag out of my hands and say, "Thanks mom you can go home now. No, really, you can go home now."

--Look down at jeans with permanent knee mounds, take myself to Old Navy for new pair. All are too long and too tight. Refuse to try double digit numbered ones. Drive to Hefner's Cup O'Custard, sit in parking lot, licking wounds metaphorically through death by chocolate triple scoop in cup. Consider death by chocolate literal invitation.

--Drive to afternoon matinee. Suffer through "Playing for Keeps" about hypersexed soccer moms wanting to do aging soccer star Gerard Butler at every which way while he coaches their little ones on for a team win! Try and guess which mom is the one who gets behind the scenes reffing. I win.

--Rummage through husband's sock and underwear drawer. Hoping to find something linking him to exciting past Bourne identity life, find only saved tags from boxers in case new ones don't fit.


Oh, the undeniable Jezebel that Social Media is. We need no more proof than this list right here. 

Peace out. 

19 comments:

  1. And without social media, who would tell me that participating in thE tasks you have listed is perfectly normal... if the power goes out!?

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  2. I thought I was the only one who had second breakfast.

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    Replies
    1. 2nd breakfast. You are so right.

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    2. Fondly referred to in my house as prelunch.

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  3. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, the second breakfast. I had eggs for breakfast. An hour later, a piece of FROZEN pumpkin pie because it wasn't defrosting fast enough.

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    Replies
    1. Suzy and Anna: the second breakfast thing is coming out of the closet here.
      xo

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  4. hitting a nerve here. second breakfast, first lunch. i'm in.
    your hubby sounds like a real wild man.

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  5. haha...you can still do most of that and be online...some of it you may not want to tweet, especially if they read you but...

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  6. I'm not the blog maven you are, but I do know that blogging, mostly reading others, takes up the majority of my day and little else gets done and that has been a HUGE problem around here. I DO need to do something else, that doesn't involve being on the computer.

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  7. I thought you were kidding about the zumba silver!!!

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  8. I had to think deep to remember how I used to fill my days pre-technology...and I realized I volunteered, went to the gym and watched tv. Yikes. But I remember being lonely too.

    I was thinking that if there were no social media then you and I could hang out and watch matinees together. But then, if there were no social media, I would have never met you :-(

    (Ah, leave it to me to spoil your laugh-outloud post with all this sadness!)

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  9. Yeah, I could sit around and dwell on how hard it is to make friends locally or I could remember that I have people like you to make me smile and make me feel appreciated. :) Take that, magazine article.

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  10. There's life outside of social media?
    :)

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  11. LOL, too funny but since I've been online blogging less housework gets done. But if I had to choose - housework can wait. Housework can't interact with me :)

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  12. omg this post had me laughing and agreeing and laughing some more!! LOVED it!:)

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  13. Hmmm...I've been struggling with this very notion for months now. Personally, I need to get more real life back in my daily mix...but I'll get there.

    No Zumba, though - that's for damn sure! ;-)

    XO

    A.

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  14. If your husband had a past Bourne identity life, he'd be way too smart to leave anything in his underwear drawer. If you've looked everywhere and found nothing - than he surely is a highly trained spy of some sort. Lucky girl.

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