Saturday, December 8, 2012

LIM: SOC for The Rest of Us

Time to let it all out and make room for the new crazy. My thoughts aren't sophisticated or linear enough for a civil Stream of Consciousness, so I've made a space for it here. My own little but still important version of SOC; stream of consciousness: ugly style.

I call it LIM, loose inner monologue, and it's right here, where it belongs--out into the universe and out of my hen-pecked head.

Seriously, the role of blogging as a mental health tool is sadly overlooked.

This Week's LIM, Loose Inner Monologue: because streaming thoughts? Not so much. More like a karate chop response to my immediate environment.

Xrays are so weird. Looking at your Xrays must feel like someone shoving pictures of something you did that you didn't want seen right in your face. Like Matlock saying "aha! and you say you're not friendly with the butcher??! Then, what is THIS??!!" You know, like those horrible previews to that movie Side Effects May Include Murder, with Channing Tatum or Taming Chatham or whatever that Magic Mike's dancer's name is. I always want to write in to a celebrity magazine and ask "Is that Carol Channing's great grandson?" but then I remember we have google now. 

Anyway, in that movie, his sexy wife needs a shrink because life just doesn't hold a spark for her anymore and she's restless. Her shrink lights up that spark, easy to do when you're JUDE LAW. Jude wants to make sure she's living life to the fullest so he gives her these little round pills that surprise! make her go crazy for Jude Law. Next day, her underwear is all inside out and she's got blood on her hands and whaa? Meanwhile, a stack of pictures arrives in the mail to Carol Channing's greatgrandson of his fire's-been-lit wife giving away Victoria's Secrets while in deeeeeeeeeeeep therapy with Jude and Channing flips through the stack and says "Honey? What's this?" in his "Hi, honey, I'm home" voice. Right, like it'd go down like that at my house. 

I'll just make do with my nights of insomnia, thank you very much.

Anyway, Xrays. So you look at them, you trust your Doctor when he says they're yours, but you're like, whaaa? Those are my screwed up sinuses there? It doesn't help much with acceptance when the Doctor chimes in, "I know. Pretty bad pus pockets there." And then his nurse thinks he's just given her the okay to throw in her two cents worth, "Oh, yah. I saw dem and thought, oh holy cow but dose are some bad sinuses."

The sheet says those are my clouded sinus cavities, I have to believe them. I'll take comfort in the fact that my headaches now have a treatable cause and I can cancel my emergency appointment with the family lawyer for the will. 

Acceptance in the face of evidence should be easy, maybe it is easy. For me, I can't believe something even when it's clearly there and undeniable. I'm sure if I had the time to google what that is, other than the word denial, that it's some sort of condition I have. But no time here.

Exhibit A: Denial in the face of the truth:  I have felt great since I began sleeping, eating well, drinking water, exercising an hour a day, and quit the coffee.

I feel great. 

But I still can't believe it's that easy to feel great. Heeeeeeeeeeeey, wait.a.minute! Let's try this: I don't want to believe it's that easy to feel great. I know what I have now--it's what Jack Nicholson screamed about in A Few Good Men. "The truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!"

That's it. I don't like the truth. I don't want the sleep, the right food, the no coffee, the exercise, the water, to work. I had more time before I started taking care of myself. Now it's all about taking care of myself. Like I'm my own baby or something.

Damn. A revelation.

This LIM is beginning to pay for itself.


Have a mind that's more choppy than streamy? I invite you to write up your own Loose Inner Monologue post. Leave your link here. Admit it--just the mention of a brain dump and your thoughts are all jamming the aisle, like the last chopper out of Vietnam.

"One at a time, thoughts, one at a time ..."  

photo credit: Steve took it via photopin cc


  1. i get ukranians wanting to sell me viagra so I understand.

    I like my xrays when they're something cool like broken bones or mri's of ripped muscles. It makes me manly and accomplished. stupid, I know.

    1. RIght? It was like 10 comments in a row. And getting worse. Had to do it.

  2. I get ukranians wanting to sell me viagara, so I understand.

    x-rays are cool when you break bones or have mri's of torn muscles, then it's like a good report card or an award.- "yeah, I did something for that!"

  3. My stomach has me down to 1 cup of coffee a day. I resent it. Quietly, because oh man, I just don't want it to go all the way away. Feeling better is worth it though, isn't it?

    I like thinking of you as feeling better :)

    1. I feel so instantly tremendously better. The middle of the night stomach aches pretty much terrified me.

      I don't want to have an ulcer.

  4. i dunno i kinda like xrays...a whole lot more than pics of my wife in therapy...i would def be in jail shortly there after...i cant believe you just said quit the heart broke a little right there...

  5. you do crazy so good.


    1. This might be my favoritest comment ever.

      Thanks, A.

  6. You gave up coffee??? Shoot me now, I'd never make it!

  7. Sometimes I look back at all the years of not wearing sunscreen and not getting enough sleep and drinking too much and wonder why it took me so long to learn. And then I remember that I still haven't really learned.

    1. Right? We ignore the truth: I feel great with sleep and no caffeine. But no sleep and cafeine were giving me so much time to do. TO DO.

  8. I look at x-rays like I look at sonograms. Um, sure, ok then, right. I recently stopped Pepsi except I didn't tell myself I'd stopped so I didn't know and I kept drinking it even though I was telling people I'd stopped drinking it and it just goes back to the people in my brain not sharing all the information because WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL ME WE'D STOPPED?

  9. "Like I'm my own baby..." I'm dying laughing at that one.
    You're so awesome, Alexandra. You know that, right? And Xrays are weird.

    1. You're a wonderful person to know. Heidi. Thank you.

      the thing is: I really like doing these LIM's. SOC that I've seen" people are still pretty heady and relevant. I'm just in need of a brain dump.

      Thanks for stopping by!

  10. In case you were too busy to actually Google it, I did.

    And Channing Tatum is not related to Carol Channing.
    Or Stockard Channing, for that matter.

    Damn, I love the internet.
    And you.

    For that matter.

  11. I thought you were going to mention airport x-rays. ;-)

  12. Oh my goodness. I've been doing LIM all this time without even realizing it! See?

  13. I dropped something like 100 pounds before I got married because I grew addicted to "taking care of myself" which meant that I never, ever had any time for myself, because I was always at work, or on my way to work, or at the gym, or on my way to the gym, or asleep. In short, I became boring, and never really felt like myself. It's been a challenge to find a balance since then.

  14. I feel like that sometimes, too. Taking care of myself has become a chore and I'd much rather go back to inhaling caffeine, stressing over the little things, and slam dunking donuts down my gullet. Bah. Anyway, I love this. And also, the hell?! That movie sounds incredibly contrived and been-there-done-that... and yet, I'll go see it because HELLO JUDE LAW! Mmmm....



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