Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The Importance of a Personal Support System



My 10-year-old son bounds out of the van as I drop him off at school. I see another little guy, back pack knocking against his body, as he spies my boy and runs to catch up to him. Their faces burst into smiles when they meet up; sincere grins that show trust and acceptance in and of each other. Secure, liking both what they see in front of them as well as what is reflected back: pure joy in knowing each other.

It's no small thing to feel accepted, valued, in another's eyes.

If we're fortunate, we have people in our lives that help us remember who we are and that we are not alone in our days here: friends, partners, co-workers, exercise buddies, book clubbers. I wrote a post earlier this month with some suggestions on where to begin looking for companions along this road of life.

There are books written, an especially helpful one by Renee Trudeau, on the value and therapeutic benefits of having people who understand us in our lives. What Trudeau calls a personal support system. Support, because they hold us up, like strong beams against a howling wind. Having friends is natural and effortless when we are young, but for me, it takes much work in this later part of my life.

What is it about relationships at this phase of our life? Busy? Yes. Excuses? They don't feel like excuses. We have important, pressing, urgent, time sensitive responsibilities to others now. There are mouths to feed and little people to keep warm and dry.

Much too quickly, we find ourselves only doing, and not maintaining.

It's not easy, and it takes effort and planning, sometimes just acting on the impulse to reach out -- to make time for friends and personal contacts -- but it's worth every bit of work. Life is better with someone there to give a pat on the back or send a kind word. Knowing there are minds and hearts out there, caring about you, sending you love. The personal support system that friendships create is something that reminds us that we have a place to turn to.

Friendships can be re-ignited, or an initial spark can be lit, in one of many ways.

Here is what I have found to be successful in maintaining, building, and connecting with people I really, really like, and need:

Reconnect
A quick voice mail to say you miss someone, a short email saying you’d like to catch up, or a simple hand written note inviting them for coffee. It is an action set into motion that will start the wheels spinning in the right direction.

Slow Down
One of the challenges of a busy life is to carve out time to reach out. Finding time. Making the time, even if you never have it. We need to tend to our relationships with others to keep this friendship alive and healthy. Making staying in touch a scheduled priority; as in, every Wednesday morning, scheduling a walk with a friend, then sticking to it. Make the time, rather than waiting for the time to appear.

A Quick Conversation Still Works
With the internet, emailing, voice mail, twitter, Facebook, there really is no reason we cannot have a quick two minute check in, to ask how they are, retell a funny story, update someone on our life, wish them a good day. It can be done. And we can do it on our own timetable. It's communication that keeps a friendship alive.

Keep It Simple
If we wait for the right time, the right words, the right event, we can end up waiting for a time that never comes. We need to grab, snatch, make, the few minutes it takes to feel connected. It can be so simple and doesn't need to be a half hour phone call -- five minutes will do -- a quick gesture or words saying, “Hello, I miss you, and I’m so glad you are in my life.” This is how you let someone know they are important to you.

Small accommodations with a huge pay off. These daily, mini gestures on my part have made an amazing difference to me and to my presence in my friends' lives.

It’s the power of a deliberate effort that brings its reward. And the reward of feeling connected and bonded just from a few minutes of my time on a daily basis far outweighs the few minutes I am able to give here and there. We're social creatures, craving that presence of another.

Just one soft touch down in someone's life can keep that person in your life.

My son sees his friends every day. They are vested in each other through laughter and shared lunch times. No wonder their smiles light up as big as the sun when they see each other again the next day. Smiles as telling as mine when I see my friends; the ones I sit down for at 11 p.m. at night to send them an email -- the people I'm so much happier with, than without.

* * * 

32 comments:

  1. That first paragraph on the 2 10 year old's threw me back in time, to the suburb where I grew up. I remembered all the kids on the block and how we all got along, boys and girls. No bullies, no tattletales, just kick-the-can at dusk and yelling at Snoopy, the beagle across the street, to GO FETCH THE BALL. Such trust, such camaraderie.

    By the time I got to high school all I could think about was getting out of that town and on to a big city. Where there were plenty of bullies and tattletales!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. remember those happy, tender days? Rushing to school, to see your friends.

      Delete
  2. I remember those easy days of friendship. They were fleeting. It seems like within the blink of an eye, the girl I was friends with in first grade was one of the "cool girls" of second (and all grades following).

    I wonder what happens to us as we grow up. It seems like we never really do grow up in many ways - we still want acceptance, we still long for those friends who we can just be ourselves around.

    Maybe we just tell ourselves that we're too busy because we've been hurt before. Like I was the day that little girl decided she wasn't my friend anymore.

    Still, like you said, I'm much happier with my friends than without them. I love you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're one of my faves, Ms.

      xo (hope you got your book!!!) Can't wait to talk to you about it. The last 1/3 is a heart thumper.

      Delete
  3. Before we both had two kids, a friend and I met up every week for lunch, with our baby boys in tow. We continued to do that even as she was pregnant with her 2nd, then I, with my 2nd. Since she went back to work though, I haven't seen her in 2 months, and I miss her. We've exchanged a few text messages, but it's not the same.

    Time to really reconnect. Thank you for the lovely reminder. So glad to have you as a friend. xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Someone that knows you in real life is so lucky.

      Delete
  4. I am so bad about this. I don't keep up with people. I always was a small group of tight friends kind of person and I guess my family fulfills this now. I like them. Good thing I do, huh? ; )

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    Replies
    1. I know what you mean--my kids are my favorite people in the world.

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  5. I think you are right, this is so important. Friends are like a life line to me, necessary and enjoyable. It is harder in this stage of life, but you're right, I think it just means adjusting how the friendship goes. It's no longer long talks and lots of time together, but those quick messages and facebook comments to know that you are still connected are vital.

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  6. You speak the truth, Alexandra. You shine a light on things we forget are important. Life is so busy, we don't take the necessary steps to reconnect with those we care about. We all suffer when we don't make the effort. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just sent you a card today, lovely.

      THANKYOU SO MUCH for your soul care package. SO MUCH.

      Delete
  7. Hi, I'm Lance. You may know me from the Internet. I tweet, facebook, blog, vlog, and write a book.

    I enjoy communicating pithily. we should do it more.

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  8. Wonderful, Alexandra, and so very true. Sometimes it's really not about grand gestures. Simply reaching out to tell someone you think about them means so much. I need to do this more.

    XOXO

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  9. So true! It seems simple enough yet so complicated to get together with friends. Like all of the secondary caregivers schedules need to align like the stars for a women to get together! I like the keep it simple and not wait fo the perfect moment point.

    great post!

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  10. It's no small thing to feel accepted, valued, in another's eyes.....and how quick we fall into maintenance....so true....we get on with life and miss out on the important things...and how important it truly is to have people on the journey with us...smiles...

    happy day to you...

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  11. Even when your little people are no longer little, life's busy"ness" still has an impact on my friendships. Thanks for the great post on being deliberate and working on those relationships!

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  12. I was just talking about this to my mom the other day. I am so sick of people not showing up (emotionally or physically) for me and using the excuse that they're "just so busy." It's almost like a competition--who is busier? Guess what--I'm busy too. But if you value someone, you show up, even for a little while.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You do what it takes, to show effort.

      It's hard, but it matters.

      Delete
  13. Well said, Alexandra. I've missed those early days when we (girl friends) were all single - we had a sisterhood. Then husbands came along, and kids...I think things are in a better upswing now, as the kids are all getting older. It is especially hard when you're in a new town. I have a new best friend here that I see at least once a week and email with several times a week, but she will be moving in a few years. Life is like this, it seems, so really, every little bit counts, eh?

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  14. Sooo true! We don't always have time to get together and when we do we say we're going to "write" but most of the time we just chat and catch up and sometimes that's far more important than being productive. Sometimes you just need a friend to go into your bathroom with you and tell you where to hang the shelves and framed artwork, screw being productive! Thakns for this blog, it's always important to remember to cultivate your friendships just like every other relationship in life!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's always great to catch up with you. You both make me feel so happy, when I picture you being the beams in each other's lives. xo

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  15. Oh yes...
    It takes work. I have forgotten to work on it. I need beams...

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  16. Lately I feel like I am struggling maintaining the friendships from way back when...those who used to know me best. Lately I have been more comfortable with those who know me now. It just feels less judgemental sometimes. I feel badly when the pressure to be "on" makes picking up the phone seem daunting. I just want to feel like I am okay...part of why I love coming here!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I treasure you, Andrea.

      Thank you so much, for always encouraging me here.

      xo

      Delete
  17. Yes, I needed to read this. With most of my friends up and moved away, phone time is most of the time we get. I need to be able to settle for quick catch-ups, because sometimes the long talks just aren't practical.
    Also? I need to make local friends, but making friends as an adult is HARD!

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  18. My absolute closest friends live far away. As in the closest is 150 miles, still in the same state, but still. It stinks. I wish we were closer because I'd love to sit on the porch, drink coffee, and chat. So I LOVE the internet. And texting. It keeps me sane. And occasionally I like to send a snail mail note to keep in touch the old fashioned way. :)

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  19. Some of the people I feel closest too are the ones who can handle those quick check-ins. They don't need a lot from me so I feel safe being close to them. I find that if I can first laugh with a friend, then I can later trust them with the deeper stuff, but I can't start out with that.

    I don't know if that makes any sense.

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  20. You are so right and your advice is spot on. I have really good friends who I don't see that much and even a little bit of contact always feels good and reaffirms that the friendship is still alive and well. Thanks!

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  21. It is so much harder to make and maintain friendships the older I get. This is such good advice though. I really should reach out more. Sometimes I think everyone just waits for the other to make the first move and then suddenly it's been months or even years. Time to end that cycle. Thank you for reminding me.

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  22. What a lovely post. It's so true - what comes easily when we're in school or at work with our pals each day must be intentionally added to our lives when we're home and beyond ready-made social structure.

    Wonderful advice, Alexandra!

    XOXO

    A.

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