Tuesday, April 23, 2013

What Happened To The Meat??


I am relieved I figured it out. I was getting scared it was me.

I thought I had it for sure.

I would get in the car and look at the dashboard to see a big E for empty, and ask myself, But ... didn't I just fill the tank?

When I would open the pots and pans drawer in the kitchen, there would be my set of white measuring cups. They belonged with baking items. But what's worse, the cups were not just in there, but DUMPED in there, scattered as if someone snuck into my house and stuck a gun in my back while I was in the middle of putting away the dishes. Either that or I had lost consciousness mid-chore.

Hunting around for juice glasses suddenly became a daily part of my life. Are they here? Did I leave them in the bathroom? I always put them by the larger tumblers, but where are they now? And why aren't they where I put them in with the other glasses?

I am losing my mind.

I open kitchen cabinets and say to my kids, begging for an explanation, "I put the can opener in with the pot holders? Why?"

And then I remember whose turn it was that day to put away the dishes.

Whose turn it was to fill the gas tank.

Who shoves things in drawers then slams it boom shut quick.

My teens.

When my teens empty the dishwasher, it's like watching the loudest silent "I don't give a s**t" in action. They stash things away in places that later make me feel like I'm living with early onset dementia. My kids frighten me, they make me worry about myself. Is it me doing things that bring me to question my faculties?

Like tonight, when I made meatloaf. My kids love my meatloaf, that's why I make it. Let me give you this freebie since you're already reading this anyway -- I use apricot jam. That's the secret to meatloaf loving kids. Jam magically holds the ground meat together and gives the baked loaf a sweet irresistible aftertaste. You're welcome.

I make this often-requested dinner entrĂ©e in double batches. It takes its sweet time (sorry can't help myself) early in the afternoon because I know the kids will walk in the back door crazy starved with hunger after their two hour swim practice. At 3:00 pm I pop the meatloaf in for an hour. I set the timer, run and get my one non-teenager to bring home from school, then pull out the meatloaf at 4:00 pm and set it atop the stove to let the apricot jam juices circulate and render the meat juicy and sweet. By 5:00, it has settled in and re-absorbed the jam and when the teens bring down the back door and they smell heaven in the oven, there is no future life partner for them that can compete. It will be TeamMama forever.

The only thing left to do is let the barbeque sauce simmer on the stove while I start some laundry and keep one ear open for them. But when I walk back into the kitchen to check on the special sauce, there is no meatloaf cooling on top of the stove.

And my alarm begins again. The inner dialogue of confused self questioning, Didn't I just make a double batch of meatloaf? I know I made a double batch of meatloaf. I could have sworn I did the recipe x two.

What happened to the meatloaf???

What happened, is this: My boys had come home earlier than expected and swooped in and ravaged the meat they saw on the stove. I was sorting and folding sorting and folding, the washer and dryer noisily running in the background, and both kids grabbed tablespoons and said Don't Mind if I Do and had at it with the browned and glazed brick slab of goodness.

Never mind the butter and garlic smothered potatoes, mom.
Forget the crisp green salad with cherry tomatoes from today's market.
Just a fistful of meat is all we need.

And with that, the meat was gone. Since I had made their ears bleed with years of DISHES IN THE SINK, that's where they had put their "dishes" aka the two loaf pans. Meat? Maybe once upon a time, but to my eyes, I saw no trace of what I had just spent two hours preparing. At least, I think I did.

Have I lost my mind? Do I have to make an appointment with my mother's neurologist? Didn't I make meat for tonight?

Where is the meat???

Before you begin your own down on your hands and knees APB alert for missing items and misplaced coffee mugs - and meatloaf - ask yourself: Are there teenagers in your house?

I hope, for your sake, the answer to all your mystically placed and combobulated items, is a much relief filled sigh of *yes.*

And if you need me to commiserate, I'll be here. Down on the kitchen floor, where I came to get cutting boards and instead found forks and spoons jammed in between and wondering what in Sam Hill would make me cram silverware where the cutting boards go.

I swear I put them in the silverware drawer where they belong. Didn't I? 

* * *

29 comments:

  1. I don't have that (teenager) excuse anymore, but my hubby it darn good at getting things out of place! Funny, we've lived in this same house for 36 years and he still doesn't know where things go.

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    1. I do believe it comes down to just getting it down and crossed off the list. Good to see you!!

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  2. Are they trying to make you crazy?

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    1. THAT is exactly w hat I ask twenty times a day.

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  3. My husband does these sort of things to me all the time!

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  4. hahaha...i always get to the end of putting away the dishes and find i have something that i have no idea where it goes...so on some level i can relate...ha...and i may drive my wife crazy with that as well....meatloaf....i love meatloaf!

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    1. B, so then is it a male thing? Just stash it somewhere. A desperate attempt to just get the job done?

      so good to see you.

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  5. Haha, I think this is worse with boys than girls, so you've got twice as much to deal with! The random things out of place are a common occurrence here, too, with preschoolers and a toddler "helping" me at every turn. But at least they can't reach the kitchen counters (yet)!

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    1. I almost forgot about that! Yes! I remember looking for things that had always gone missing and then I figured out that the two toddlers loved the swinging top of our kitchen 's peach waste basket. Shoes, car keys, lunchplates: they were all in there.

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  6. I am constantly amazed by the amount of food my teenage son can put into his body. My guess is that your boys still ate the mashed potatoes and salad?

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    1. Dearest Shannon: I ate the salad, the little brother had the potatoes. xo

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  7. I have no teenagers, no toddlers, and no husband. IT'S JUST ME LOOKING FOR STUFF ALL THE DAMN TIME.

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  8. Oh no. I'm already walking around with early memory loss. I'm totally screwed in 10 years :(

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  9. Things don't necessarily disappear around here so much as appear in ridiculous places that make me question my housekeeping skills. Dirty socks on the kitchen counter? Shorts on the family room table? It's like the "who left a shoe on the side of the road" thing that I have?

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  10. I am not throwing anyone under the bus, the truth is, I need my glasses to find my glasses. After I find them, I'm good. My OCD allows me to know where EVERYTHING is ALL THE TIME!
    #GoAheadAskMeWhereSomethingIs

    OpinionsToGo

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  11. I have a nineteen year old college student in the house and he likes to do things like fold his used towels and stick them back in the linen closet. I still can't figure that one out. Well, at least he's folding his towels, but maybe he should consider hanging them up on the towel rack to dry like everyone else in the house does.

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  12. I am not here , where you are , YET. But I see it coming. I see cookies disappearing, I see lunch meat that I swore I bought a pound of and it can't possibly be gone already, Gone.

    they are only 5. I think I'm in trouble. Hold me. ;)

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  13. hey, at least your kids put things away! mine just leave things where they drop them. and then come to me asking if i've seen such and such.

    and just to keep myself sane, i always empty the dishwasher myself. ; )

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  14. I hate to point this out, but it sounds like they are gaslighting you. I'd check into it further, if I were you...

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  15. My boys do the same exact thing. They are bottomless pits. I have no idea where they store all of it.
    PS...do you swap out an ingredient to use the jam?

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  16. Yes! This happen to me yesterday!! One of my lovelies shoved a pot in the cabinet, thereby causing an avalanche of falling pans and lids when I un-wedged the skillet holding everything together.

    Then I had so much fun sitting on the floor sorting stainless steel saucepans and fixing the collapsed shelf. I tell you, people would pay to have this much fun! Yes sireeee......

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  17. You make something that must've been maddening SO FUNNY! Thank goodness, you always keep your sense of humor. My guess is you're going to need it until the teenagers are no longer teens. :-)

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  18. LOL. Um. Ridiculous and I love it and I'm so glad these are the things I have to look forward to in the future. I think I may make a list "When the Kids are Teenagers: You will lose the meatloaf."

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  19. Oh, I do not look forward to these days. And they're approaching far too fast.

    Right now, both of my kids get INCREDIBLY concerned/excited when something is missing, because it means that they get to look for it.

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  20. ARRRG! The longer a comment I make is, they better chance it has of not loading... Great Post!!! So funny and so true.
    Short version:
    We had 4 teenage girls at once. They all fit into each others clothes. They were constantly searching for their "borrowed" items in each others rooms. The all complained about it, but they all did it.

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  21. Ah yeah, now this one I totally get, since all the other occupants of my household are teens. Nothing, absolutely nothing is safe.

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  22. ....or why I have 6 right shoes in my closet, but no pairs of anything! What is it with "those people"!?

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  23. I'm totally intrigued by the idea of apricot jam in meatloaf - what is your recipe?

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  24. I'm totally intrigued now by the idea of making meatloaf with apricot jam - what is your recipe, will you share? Thanks!

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