Monday, July 22, 2013

Dear Duchess of Cambridge: About Your New Baby...



Dear Duchess and Prince William:

The world congratulates you on the joyous birth of your son!

Good show, Cheerio, Pip pip and all that.

Now, let's get down to it... because no one else will say it, so I will.

Time to talk about the elephant in the room: the way your new baby looks.

You love your child, without a doubt, but he is fresh and new and you're still high from the euphoria of getting him out and the epidural that was so awesome. After you come down from the relief of finally birthing, some words may start floating around your head that will startle you. Don't panic, though your cerebrum tosses things out like “odd” “funny” “unusual,” when they first hand your baby to you. These words will give way to complete phrases, like "I just gave birth to Benjamin Button.”

I loved my firstborn the minute he was mine, make no mistake. I had waited a lifetime for this child, but, no matter how deep in gaga love you are as the parent, there is no way you won't notice the Shar Pei that your baby is.

Telling the truth here does not equal traumatize. I want to offer comfort and understanding, I want to give you a space where you can whisper "Sweet Winston Churchill, I thought it was just me." See, your Doctors will never prepare you for birth with paragraphs starting in "conehead, no neck, recessed chin, short rhino legs, long torso, wax covered, blue-gray face, swollen eyelids, pink rashes, yellow umbilical resembling snake-in-a-can, hairy forehead, hairy shoulders, hair everywhere except the head, teen acne, and purple finger nailed." And wax-covered. Said again, because it needs to be mentioned twice.

I could have used that.

I'm only leveling with you, new mom. You have lovely genes and your husband's nickname used to be DDG (drop-dead gorgeous). Take a breath and know you're not alone in this shock of feeling like you delivered something set aside for Area 51. A newborn looks like someone who has just spent nine months soaking in fluid, folded up like a wallet to fit into a space half their size, then pushed like a Himalayan sled head first through a luge tube. For twelve hours.

In other words, a face only a mother could love. And so, you do.

After a few minutes, of course. And try to ignore his resemblance to Tattoo from Fantasy Island.

Congrats, mama Kate, you will be head over heels punch drunk out of your mind blind in love with each new day you spend with your baby -- which is mommy goggles enough.


Rhino legs? Check. 24/7 terrified look on his face? Check. Gaah! He's so beautiful!

* * *

27 comments:

  1. Love this! I also had to learn the hard way, but I will say, they all turned out rather good looking in the end. On the inside and the outside! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. de plane, de plane....
    oh my....

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sharpei? Indeed! Alien? Check. In love from the first second? Abso-freakin-lutely!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Am I right? Mommy goggles. They are so BEAUTIFUL.

      Delete
  4. Tattoo from Fantasy Island - I'm dying over here.

    Mommy goggles indeed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're so sweet, Tracie. Thank you.

      Delete
  5. Haha! Love this. Love, also, that I'm not the only one to blog about the Royal baby in a non-serious way today! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha, I know, Loukia... it is SO the truth. I have never seen a beautiful newborn. They don't tell you that. Mommy Goggles: 100 times the power of beer goggles. xo

      Delete
  6. haha! Love it. EXCEPT I imagine the new Prince made his debut looking PERFECT.

    (It could happen!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Melisa and Nina: really? we all know, in honesty here, that a beautiful newborn is an oxymoron. They are beautiful because they are magic, and ours... but take the miracle away of how much we adore them, and yah. A Roswell exhibit. xo

      Delete
  7. Ha! They do all look like Tatoo at first. good call.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am afraid that poor Catherine has already been scarred for life by now. But it is never too late!

    Someone get this post to her announcer with the funny hat guy immediately!

    ReplyDelete
  9. My last one was the one that took the cake. He had literally been head down on my pelvic bone from 5 months, proving he was ready to move out much quicker than planned. When he arrived 6 weeks early he had a HUGE blood red knot on his head that took 3 months to go down.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I love the picture of you and your son.

    I laughed when I read part of your letter that said cheerio, pip, pip. My husband is English and my father always says pip, pip to him. My husband is always saying, "What is this pip, pip? I've never heard anyone say it until I moved to the States."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He looked like one of the Lollipop Guild.

      Delete
  11. ha ha ha

    Only mothers see the beauty on our Benjamin Button's look-like newborn babies.

    www.mamaandthecity.com

    ReplyDelete
  12. The whole time I was reading this, I was thinking, but my c-section babies weren't squished at all. They really were beautiful. Thank God I looked at old pictures before I commented about how much I disagreed with you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I can't believe you said this. But it's so true, they are not ugly ugly, just kind of disappointing.

    ReplyDelete
  14. And if the conehead isn't centered, that's okay too...even if there is a large hematoma/scab on it. Sort of breaks up the yellowness of things. Also a conversation piece.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not that we would know but, we've heard... xo

      Delete
  15. My first thought when my first son was born? "Gosh you're not very attractive", hah! But of course they change so quickly in the first few days. Oh, also, the peeling skin. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, Alison. ONly a mother could love... xo

      Delete
  16. "A newborn looks like someone who has just spent nine months soaking in fluid, folded up like a wallet to fit into a space half their size, then pushed like a Himalayan sled head first through a luge tube. For twelve hours."

    GAH! And also, you are so awesome!

    LOL. AND YOUR BABY?! SOOOOO CUTE!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My little LollyPop Guild baby. He was so shrunken and Benjamin Button, Charlotte. xo

      Delete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails