Thursday, April 3, 2014

The Yoga Monologue

Let's see.... this video says *beginner* -- should be okay. That's me.

My mat is down, comfy clothes, but I think this would feel better if I used the dog bed.

Ah.... so much better. Let's get this party started.

"Welcome. My name is Tara Stiles. Today we will begin with a few positions. These are so easy." Great, Tara! I love how this starts. We can be friends because I like easy. Sounds so much nicer than lazy. So, she's stretching... Oooooooh, oooh, oooh. Waitwaitwait. Yeah, *so easy* must mean if you're 23 and in super shape.

Holy heck that intro music freaks me out. Sounds just like a TED talk. I'm waiting to hear applause and a catchy one-line opener.

"Nice and calm, niiiiiiiice and calm," she coos. That's gonna be kinda hard for me, Tara. My kids keep asking me if I'm okay.

"Soooooooooo easy." Here she goes again, and yet, she says this while she places her knees in her armpits.

"Now, pull yourself up niiiiiiiiiice and tall." Tall? I'm already sunk. I've looked like a comma since I was 15.  

"Really simple, just let your body mooooooooove through the motions." Moooooooove? I don't think she means jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerk.

You know what, Tara? If I may? You need to change your move introductions from "Easy" to "Easy FOR ME."

Whoa. Where's the fire? 90 mph with the directions. Gimme some time to untangle, okay?

"Up Over Nice big Spin Reach up and Over Next tuck in Now back to the top BIG DEEP BREATH Soften up and eeeeeeeeeeeeeease inward Waay back Settle in Waay back. And LUNGE!"

I'm sorry, there you go with the "Easy." What's easy. I don't believe you anymore, Tara, and I'm not falling for it. Also, you need to look up the word "easy."

"Get in a position. Whatever is comfortable for you." Oh, Tara, you don't know me at all, do you? Whatever is comfortable for me is laying down, right over there, on the sofa.

Also, do not invite me to "close my eyes and go deep inside" because that is an invitation to nap if I ever heard one.  

"Yoga is based on observing animals and their poses." Let's call this one we're doing right now The Grand Marm of The Elephant Herd at the Watering Hole.

Maybe easy means something different in the urban dictionary. Going to go check. 

Oh, this is trouble. Whenever she introduces something with "this one is tricky" she means I'm screwed. I do appreciate her reminders to keep breathing, though. Things were getting dotty there for awhile.

Where's that intro again? This is called "Yoga Solutions" -- I think we need to ask Tara a question first because I would ask her for a yoga solution to my KitKat problem. 

Ha! That's a good one: "Now here's a move everyone can do." Everyone in shape you mean.

OMG My Wrists! Sweet Jesus I think I heard a snap. I'm going to need a can of Os-Cal after this.

Man, her butt's pointy. And more important, HEY. How come her triangle pose looks just like a triangle and mine looks like a stepped on staple.

Stay calm, she tells me. Kinda hard when you're shaking like you've got a blood sugar reading of 19.

I just have to say this. The music kinda seems like it's oddly displaced.

"Take it into a nice squat." Oh, you sweet young child-free thing. There is no such thing as a *nice squat* after you birth babies.

"Relax the forehead." Not without $500 worth of botox is that gonna happen.

"This next one will take some concentration" is code for this is a good time now to go finish that twinkie in the kitchen.

Oh, that's rich. "Match movements with your breath." If I was matching my movements with what you call breaths, I call heaving, I'd be moving like a Samurai who was just handed his polished sword.

I wonder if she knows that what she's telling me to do right now with my spine is dangerous.

Is there anything here that doesn't require upper body strength and flexibility? Sheesh.

I have no bendability. And the stuff coming up next looks like Grover doing the Alphabet Dance.

"Use your belly as a nice shelf." Maybe your belly makes a nice shelf, mine's more like a palette loader.

This music is stressing me out. Don't they have panpipes instead of this Third Encounters meets Dieter stuff.

What? Three minutes? I've only been doing this for three minutes?

Lord lord lord LOOK how good she is. A spine like a Slinky.

Tree pose? She's as still as an oak and I'm wavering like an Emerald Ash Borer got to my insides.

"This is so easy," she says again. That does it. I am looking up easy. Because easy does not = placing entire body on your hands.  

Well, in fairness to her, 92 lbs is probably easy to place in your hands.

Okay, now I'm quitting. That's it -- she looks exhausted with this next move that's all on one side. Which means pretty sure I'll die if I try it. 

I think I'll just sit here watching her and applaud. There is that other twinkie I still have to finish.

You're doing great, Tara! You go, good stuff. Love love love watching you - you make it look so E-Z. You just keep on growing the tree branch or whatever, I'll google "Easy."

EASY : Urban Dictionary:
a way to tell people to relax. Easy, ease down, relax, be calm, chill.

Oh. I knew it. I so got this.

* * *



  1. hahahaha yeah, there are def poses i can not do....i have tried and my wrists take a beating....

  2. Hee hee hee...the one time I tried to do yoga with a video I hurt my neck trying to keep the tv in view...ok, maybe "hurt my neck" indicates some actual trauma took place...only to my psyche that I couldn't make my body cooperate. Wii fit yoga is about my speed!

  3. "I've looked like a comma since I was 15." <----this is me!

    Yoga is hard. I do a Pilates dvd where the woman always tells us to "grow taller" and I pretty much want to slap her every time.

  4. Chill, baby. When I do yoga, I just view their directions as suggestions and default to Laying Down Lasagna Noodle Pose when I can't get there.

    Grand Marm of the Elephant Herd at the Watering Hole - you're brilliant.

  5. Brian: I think we need to start wrapping our wrists like right before a fight. Andrea: I like the Wii fit yoga we have and the balance board. Wanted to try something different and this one cracked me up.
    Tracie: right? YOGA is good for you and so hard...
    Suniverse: you know it, lady. xo I love you.

  6. So I've determined yoga must be done in a studio, where you feel less weird because EVERYONE around you is twisting into impossible positions. At home, there's a disconnect between the weirdness of what you're doing and the normalness of your home. Also, there are people around you of all levels, so you don't feel as bad about the shit you can't do. ;)

  7. My favorite part is the wind down at the end where it's perfectly justified to just lie there. Mostly because at that point, I can't even slightly lift myself off the mat due to multiple spasms. Oh yeah, and because I'll take a 2 minute nap whenever I can get one.

  8. Also check out

  9. Oh, that Tara. She pretends to be so zen with her proclamations of "easy" and "be still" and her gentle warnings of trickiness. I'm quite sure she has a KitKat problem, too.

  10. What a perfect way to spend my lunch hour, de-tensing after being in court all morning with laughter. OMG how I love your blog. I've never taken yoga. Our instructor at our local gym, a guy, creeps me out a little...maybe that's why? But all I hear is how good it is for us. Maybe some day. Meanwhile, take it eeeeeasy, woman!



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