Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Things That Having No Coffee Make Me Do

People who say that coffee doesn't do a thing for them are people that I don't understand. Look under their skin and I know our insides wouldn't match. Coffee beans are my spark plugs. They're the kerosene to my lamp and the Charcoal Briquets to my Weber grill.

I'm half the man I can be, without my coffee. And things don't go well when I'm not fired up on all cylinders. Like walking into a store, needing only one item, and walking around for twenty minutes, unable to remember what the hell that one item was.

No coffee tells my brain it's okay to drive the kids to school with slippers on. Being uncaffeinated convinces me that my husband's V-neck sweater pseudo pajamas pass for clothes at the school scholastic book fair.

Oh, yeah, no coffee is no good.

No coffee makes me think I can put a twisty tie in my hair and it's a hairdo.

No coffee makes me turn up the radio dial when I want more heat in the car.

No coffee and my 11-year-old son's winter boots don't look so bad on my feet.

No coffee and the mailbox with that morning's newspaper just seems ssssoooo far away.

No coffee and I pack five fruit roll-ups as the kids' lunches (it'll be a fun surprise!)

No coffee and emptying the dishwasher feels like I'm lifting stone slabs up the sides of the pyramids.

No coffee and I'd rather walk around with one hand pulling up my pants all day than go all the way to the bedroom upstairs into the closet to get my brown belt.

Coffee is good and coffee does good. It connects the wires in my brain into the slots where they're supposed to go and makes shouting back at talk radio in the mornings a fun thing.

Coffee makes me into an Olympian and I can do an hour walk on the treadmill on a steep incline and as long as the radio is on to permanent hearing damage range, I don't get bored.

One of the first jobs I gave to my children as soon as they could pull a kitchen stool up against the counter, was that of measuring out two heaping scoops of Folger's grounds. I have the water set, and all they have to do is push the button to start the gurgling. Our household has grown to find the snoring lion sounds of our Mr. Coffee in the morning a soothing thing.

To my children, the sound of coffee bubbling and perking is a promise to them, that they won't be eating six packs of Pringles for lunch that day.

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  1. Half the man you can be??? Woman, you are in serious coffee withdrawal! For goodness sake, go slowly. Give your body a chance to adapt. You've sent it into shock!

  2. This post made my want to stand up with my poster board signs and yell, "Hell Yeah!!!" Love your straightforward humor. I came here to read, I leave with a smile -- and an even bigger mug of coffee!

  3. We need our coffee, ja? My lack of proofing in the above post illustrates the point, I think. (Drink up, T! Hurry!)

  4. I understand this so completely. In the world of coffee addicts, I am like a mumbling crack head because my drug of choice is Starbucks. Yeah, the hard stuff and there is no recovery from that. Pretty sure at some point I will have to steal an IV bag and pole from a local hospital and hack it so that I can turn it into a coffee drip. We are not far from mainlining...

  5. I just started drinking coffee a couple of years ago and now I wonder how I ever even matched my socks before.
    Maybe I didn't.

  6. coffee is my drug of choice for sure...pretty bad we have such symptoms...lol...perhaps i should go get that belt now...and another cup of coffee....smiles..

  7. I'm envious you can use your kids' footwear whenever you like. I live with all women and everyone's foot is smaller.

  8. True story:

    I am wearing my daughter's boots and my son's sweatshirt as I type right now. And I drank two cups of coffee this morning.

    So you can imagine what would be happening out here if I hadn't.
    (Or maybe we'd better not think about it.)

  9. Since my body can no longer seem to tolerate caffeine, someone tried to tell me that apple juice would have the same effect...obviously SHE was low on caffeine! Chocolate caffeine levels still work ok...thank goodness!

  10. At various points in my life, I have decaffeinated myself. I don't know why. But I'm done with that silliness. Coffee is a gift from the gods - who am I to spurn it?

  11. I am a first time visitor and I love your blog! I have a love-hate relationship with coffee, partly due to my low iron. Coffee inhibits iron absorption, so it's not good to take with iron pills. But coffee also gives me the energy to get through the day! Hard to live without it. At times when I've needed to get more iron into me, I've had to give up coffee and go for Coke, but I always run back to coffee whenever I can...though these days I am trying to start the day with tea instead (less caffeine, but still caffeine!).

  12. Coffee gets the synapses firing that's for sure!

  13. Coffee inhibits the growth of some tumors. Coffee is the number one "drug" women use for headaches--it's generally more effective than advil or aspirin and has fewer side affects. Coffee might stop dementia in many cases.
    Coffee is a wonder drug. And without it I'm a member of the walking dead--not telegnic (photo +TV) edition.
    Never feel guilty for drinking a miracle!

  14. There is no such thing as no coffee to me. It simply is not an option.

  15. I am an ordained priestess of the Goddess Caffeina, devoted to her daily worship.

  16. I tried to stop drinking caffeine a few months ago and I was covered with sweat and completely helpless.

  17. renee, it's so good to see you! I have to catch up. Hope you're well. xo Meg: YOU LOVE COFFEE TOO??? I've had it since I can remember. I love the smell of a fresh bag. Natalie: well.... I've got a story or two... three. tops. wait not true. of too much coffee.

  18. What you said. And what Alison said. "God bless coffee." Amen.

  19. I love your ode to coffee. I don't know what I would do without the stuff, though I've been told time and again to lay off the stuff. Why? Why would anyone willingly give up the nectar of the gods? Okay, maybe that was something else, but coffee is the juice of the living. OOOOH! I'm having tshirts made. Featuring zombies. Maybe your kids will like some, too?


  20. Coffee makes me funnier, brighter, smarter and faster. I think.

  21. Happy National Coffee Day, everyone!!



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