You won't notice it for the first few minutes. But within two or three pleasantly exchanged sentences, you'll see it. I'll lift my right arm and begin to rub the back of the left side of my neck.
It feels so good. I'll press on the muscle that runs behind my ear and roll my neck, hoping you're not thinking this is my nonverbal plea for you to Please stop talking.
My neck hurts. All the time. To the point where Tylenol has now been added to my daily food groups of Twinkies, double espressos, and Hershey's kisses.
This morning, I had had enough, so I turned to everyone's Doctor in a box, WebMD:
Here's what I need to do, before I can do anything about this pinch between my head and body:
Diagnose. There were so many causes to neck pain given on the site, and none of them pretty. How the articles took me from obnoxious annoyance to 12-hour surgeries at the Mayo Clinic in three breezy steps, I don't know.
But let's start at the beginning, with the diagnosis.
Question 1: Is there physical strain in your life?
You know--there is. I'll stop carrying laundry baskets.
Question 2: Are you hunching?
Funny you should mention it. Pulling my shoulders off my knees as we speak.
Question 3: Any occasion of whiplash?
If you count how many times a day I have to snap my head back to make sure my 7th grade son gets off PS4 when I tell him to, about nine times a day.
Question 4: Pinched nerves?
[It's too late for me but not too late for you. Don't google causes of pinched nerves. You'll have 19 of the 20]
Question 5: Could you have iPad neck, laptop neck, smartphone neck, tablet neck?
I refuse to answer on the grounds of confronting the issue of best use of my time.
Question 6: Rough night no pillows?
No answer is best but allow me to say this, this item would be up there with spouse refusing to get CPAP mask in the event of marital dissolution papers. #pillowrobber #selfishsleeper
Question 7: Up till 3:00 a.m. reading again, Alexandra?
Like you could put the book down when the preschool administrator walks in on the new mother and the ex-wife both showing up to pick up Daxson at the same time!!
Question 8: Standing tall?
Thanks for the reminder. Promising right now, won't let number of writing rejections determine my posture.
Question 9: Target bags too heavy?
Question 10: Eye rolling so pronounced it involves the neck?
Who is this? Put the medical director back on.----------
After you've answered these 10 questions honestly with a capital H, you can isolate the cause and make the diagnosis necessary to begin treatment. Isolating the cause is essential. Once a diagnosis has been made, you can work on choosing your treatment option.
My personal possibilities to care include:
--Appropriate exercise: Prescription: come home with TWO bags from Target to balance out one-shouldered shopper's droop.
--Restore range of motion: aaaaaaaand I now have the perfect reason to justify the $100 a month pretty yoga studio that is conveniently on the way home from the grocery store.
Here is the specialized treatment plan advised:
Ice. In my mimosa? I wouldn't have it any other way.Heat: Like that tropical warm blow dryer that only comes with a blowout from a drybar.
MMMMMMMMMmassage: Say no more.
WebMD left me with this final pearl of wisdom: “Analyze home and work environment in order to ensure that you're not re-injuring yourself."
I think I found the answer: Bending over to empty the dishwasher will just aggravate my symptoms.
Thereby proving WebMD's final caveat: Be sure the problem of neck pain is not just that pain in the neck.
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