Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Things Yelled at Me during Zumba

From my long running series, McSweeney's Rejects:

No bone weary in here! This is not Sit and Be Fit!

Arms up! Hoooooooooold. Arms up! Hooooooooooooooold. Two more! Ha! I lied! Ten more!

Don't drink the water here it's an old building I can't guarantee there's no rust in the pipes!

Organize your moves! Plan for your arms, people! Your arms shouldn't come at you in surprise!

Uptown Funk You Up! UptownFunkYouUp. I have no idea what Funk You Up means but it doesn't sound good!

I love Neil Young! Oh wait. I mean Annie Lennox. I get those two mixed up. Both such sad people.

Down down down down dow-n. Woohoo. That's ELO for you. What? He says No? Okay. No no no no no-o. Woohoo. No problem, ladies, he says he'll say it once more before we get off the floor! 

I don't hear anyone clapping on Clap! If you don't clap on the Clap you won't get the full effect of the clap!

Arms up! Wait. Is this Silver? If it's Silver, then arms up. Or down. Whatever is fine.

Work, ladies! Don't let the sweat fool you! It's probably a hot flash!

Come on baby let's do the Zumba! Or Conga, whatever. It's a Latin beat! Oh, and for the record, I'm not saying I think all Latin music sounds the same. You gotta be careful, everyone's so sensitive these days.

Are you all hot? I thought so because I look around me and all I see is a bunch of hotties!
Alexandra? I'm going to send Julie back there for you. Julie? Julie, can you go in the back there by Alexandra? We've got some twisty turn moves at the end. So, yah, just go in the back by her. Thanks, Julie.
* * *


  1. Two more times! C'mon Alexandra....ARMS UP!

  2. I love you, Alexandra. THIS is why I don't do Zumba. That and after the only time I did it, I had a crushing, send-me-right-to-bed migraine. I knew it was a sign I should not ignore. Centergy is more my speed, although the things that are breathed at me there can be just as annoying. Some days I just don't want to smile in my heartspace, you know?

    1. With the first post of yours I read, I felt an instant affinity, Rita. xo

  3. Up, down, or down, up! Do you, boo! (I stay home because I need the structure of no yelling.)

    1. A, I would give a n y t h i n g to have you in this class with me.

  4. LMAO!!! okay, I really WAS thinking about going to a Zumba class, but yea, no. Not after this. Though this part kind of made me spit out my water. "I don't hear anyone clapping on Clap! If you don't clap on the Clap you won't get the full effect of the clap!"

    LOL. I love you. I wish you lived closer. I'd totes make you stand in the back with me :)

    1. Brunches and movies and book store dates. We would have a lovely co existence. xo

  5. "Plan for your arms, people! Your arms shouldn't come at you in surprise!" lol Does that happen???

  6. Okay, that is hilarious. And many more reasons I won't be doing Zumba.


    1. Thank you, Anna! McSweeneys sent the nicest nicest omg the nicest no thank you about this list. I'll keep trying. My submissions to them are the closest thing I have to an editorial calendar.



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