Tuesday, September 13, 2011

To The Group of Horrified Teens Sitting Next To Me At The 10 PM Showing of Crazy Stupid Love: I Am Sorry

Was That Me?? Sorry!!

I am sorry.

You group of youthful youthy beautifully perfect barely sixteen year old girls that I  shared a row of seats with on a crowded weekend night showing of Crazy Stupid Love.

Oh, I'm sure you remember me from the Ten PM show.

Ryan Gosling? The gasp? Now it's all coming back, isn't it?

I took myself to the movies Friday night -- yes, I took myself. You can't understand the desperation it takes to decide to go see a movie alone, at Ten PM; but I saw a block of time; free, unscheduled, and made for the door before anyone had the chance to ask me if I knew where their soccer uniform was.

To the girl with the pretty pointed toe leopard spot flats who had half my soda dumped on her feet, I'm sorry. I just didn't expect Ryan to whip off his shirt like that. Is that what they do now?, on a date, I mean.

I am sorry. I usually don't do things to get people's attention. I've never been the class clown, despite my lone Three Stooges act that night with you.

To the girl who got her entire bucket of popcorn dumped onto her lap while she sat whispering about Emma Stone, I am sorry. I hope you got all the popcorn picked out of your waist length black hair--I just didn't know the arm rest we shared would go flying up that quickly. 

I am sorry to the girl who got hit in the head with my summer purse, even thought it's now autumn, while she sat peacefully on the end. I couldn't see a thing when I first entered the theater. It takes a helluva lot longer for your eyes to adjust to the dark after a certain age. It has to do with slower muscle contractions --I know this because when you get older, Google becomes your health care provider and you search out every new overnight growth or body change in hopes of finding out just what the hell is going on.

I realize all of you had to share a row with me on a crowded night and that meant you all had to smell the smell of fried Tilapia fillets. I am sorry. That was my hair. You see, it's my boys' favorite Friday night meal. And so I make it for them. Because that's how exciting my life is now, I live to make fish on Friday nights. If you stay in college, this could be your dream life, too.

I  am sorry to the girl that I kept giving answers to questions that I thought she was asking me, when she was actually just trying to talk to her friend on the phone. I should have known you weren't asking me if I'd do Ryan Gosling. Do me a solid, and keep that answer between us, would you? Thank you.

To the girl I kept creeping out by telling her how cute she was, I am sorry. You really are. So cute. You don't know this yet, because all you see is your imagined physical shortcomings when you compare yourself to the girl sitting in the middle of the row. Who, by the way, is not even close to being half as adorable as you are -- and that look she's sporting? totally sleazy.

I am sorry to the girl that had to keep moving her matchstick legs to the side for me, because I kept having to get up and down and up and down to go to the bathroom. It's obnoxious, I know. But after three children, your bladder ...see...um....I'm sorry.

I am sorry to the girl whose water bottle I kept kicking over with my feet --I was not trying to play a game of me kick you pick up. My feet are slowly becoming flippers, getting bigger every year. I graduated from high school a size seven shoe, and I'm not used to these size eight and halfs yet.

For the ninety minutes that I sat next to you ethereally divine angels in the theater, I thought of how you must think of me: a walking billboard for "Don't get old! This could happen to you!"  You see me, a middle aged woman, with hair that never did make it in for its appointment last week, dressed in a thrown on stretched out sweatshirt since she's not cool enough for a hoodie and too tight brown yoga pants that she's been in all day. On my two months ago pedicured feet are green flip flops that don't even match my clothes, but they were the shoes closest to the door. And I'm in a theater, alone, because I really want to see this movie; and so, without time to call anyone else, I go.

This won't be us, I know that's the promise you make to yourselves. We'll never wear clothes that look like they're our husband's, or let our feet get all gnarly like that, or go to the movies ALONE. I practically read your minds.

The thing is this: you are all so beautiful. Being young is so naturally beautiful. And you're blind to that right now. But, one night with me and you're feeling like Emma Stone up there, aren't you?

And that's all right, because then my work here is done. I live to serve now: just come watch me some Friday when it's fish night at our house, I wield a mean Tilapia.

I am sorry.

And you are welcome.

116 comments:

  1. I want to know how you cook that tilapia as anyone who can get boys to have fish as a favorite meal must be an amazing cook.

    I always go to the movies by myself. I can't go with other people because A. They're always late B. They eat my candy C. They keep talking to me and D. It's how I meet men. (not really)

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  2. If we lived near each other, know that you can call me for a last minute movie, anytime.

    I know the answer to the Ryan Gosling question. Ahem.

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  3. It's probably a good thing the young don't have a clue what's down the road. If they knew what was waiting, they might take a detour. Their day is coming! I find that somehow comforting. *grin

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  4. I easily go 8-10 weeks between cuts (and color)...downright scary. Oh, and tilapia is a favorite of all 3 of my kids; I know that scent very well!

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  5. OMG this is just why I LOVE you! You took me to a theather in the middle of a hot day like today, and I'm laughing my head off, Alexandra! You are brilliant like that with words.

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  6. We all think we won't get old, and then we do.

    We all think we're hideous when we're sixteen years old, then we see old photos and say "OH MY GOD! Why didnt' anyone tell me I was so beautiful??"

    We did try, we did.

    These girls were gorgeous, and so sweet, and I felt so awful about traumatizing them.

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  7. I think it would be kind of nice to go to a movie by myself...no 8 year old whispering "what is that", "why did she do that". Also, I could then see Crazy Stupid Love, which I really want to see....but my husband and kid? not so much.

    One day that girl will look back and remember you telling her how cute she is...and it will mean a lot.

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  8. I am dying to go see that movie - maybe I'll take myself this week and traumatize my OWN set of teenage girls - thanks for the inspiration! (And for a good laugh, as always... except when you're being poignant, and then I get a good cry.)

    And also? I MISS you. Tell me you're coming to BlogHer Write in October in New York, please?

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  9. I love this post! as a high school teacher...I give teenage girls a glimpse into what "will be" each and everyday:) The smart ones can see past the yoga pants and homekit highlights and know that we are EXACTLY what they hope to be...

    I think you are FABULOUS and BRILLIANT for taking in a movie that you really wanted to see with 3 hrs of precious unscheduled time....

    I think I'll do the same for myself:)

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  10. this post makes me smile :) & good for you for taking yourself to a movie! thats on my must do at some point list

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  12. What an adventure! You can make even going to the movies such fun!

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  13. Too funny. I remember when I was a teenager and I thought I'd never be older than 24. I was wrong about that. But, I was wrong about a lot of things back then.

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  14. That was hilarious! I actually go to the movies for alone time....but when a friend calls, I'm there!

    If we were near, I'd've been there wearing my blue flip-flops, carrying a summer bag, smelling like pasta sauce and shushing the girl on the phone asking if I'd "DO" Ryan whats-his-name (we both know that answer).

    Believe it or not, I'm headed to the movies today! Gotta scoot!

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  15. I laughed so hard at this. With my daughters and their friends this sounds like my life Every Day ; )

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  16. So ... I love this post so much I've come out of my lurking/non-blogging mode to comment.

    First, I have to say that I can't remember even being awake at 10pm since the birth of my twins (back then I don't think I ever slept) and second ... I have no idea who Ryan Gosling is ... I've never even heard his name.

    But, your night out sounds wonderful! and very funny. If it was me, I would have had to remove myself from the movie because I would have been laughing so hard after the second thing happened and I got the "... you're so old" look.

    Great post ... thanks for the laugh this morning !!!

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  17. hahaha you are slaying me this morning empress...and for the record, the 3minutes it takes us older guys to fight our way out of our t-shirt...that is us ripping it off as well...smiles. i am sure the girls you shared the theatre with probably all want

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  18. haha, you slay me this morning empress...and for the record the 3 minutes it takes us older guys to fight out of our t shirt, that is us ripping it off...and all those girls they probably wanted your autograph...smiles.

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  19. Hahaha!! Sorry to have a laugh at your expense, but this sounds exactly like something that would happen to me!

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  20. Thanks for the out loud laugh echoing through my computer room! I too see groups of gorgeous young teens who crinkle their nose when I have the time and energy to sneak into a chick flick alone and NOT see the Smurfs or the newest disney movie. Awesome post - loved it!

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  21. Besides loving how you made me laugh while reading this, I love that you say the truth so well.

    This aging gig sure isn't for sissies is it?

    Oh and your hair & outfit? Looks fine to me! Of course, I am needing my vision checked... ;)

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  22. You see? I have done good in my time here.

    Those girls left that theater so in love with themselves.

    I'm just hoping there's not a knock on the door for harassment charges against that cute little thing. She was so cute. And I could tell she thought this mean girl in the middle was the greatest thing...and she was wrong.

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  23. Oh I love this! You have captured all of it so wonderfully, eloquently. Really! I love to go to the movies by myself...but I'll tell you the truth. I'd never dare to do it on a Friday night. Good for you! And those lovelies, well, their time will come and they will all be the better for it!

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  24. I still remember being 16. And I can tell you, half my life ago (ohmygosh when did that happen), my friends and I would have *loved* you and not been traumatized at all.

    I have a former student who is 18 now and emails me. I tell her all the time how much she should enjoy her pretty youth. She tells me I'm not old. It's a wonderful deal we have going.

    And now I want to see a movie. Preferably one with Ryan Gosling.

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  25. I had some precious "me" time on Friday night that came about unexpectedly. Sadly, I didn't even get to spend it horrifying teenaged girls at the movies. Oh no, I took myself out in my stretched out, gray yoga pants, even-more-stretched-out navy blue "Don't make me put on my angry eyes" Mr. Potato Head-from-Toy-Story t-shirt (braless, 'cause it was after 5pm and that's how I roll), and misshapen gray fleece hoodie (see? I have a hoodie and I wore it - I *am* cool!!) with hot pink flipflops and - the pièce de résistance - a Girl Scouts of WNY, khaki-colored baseball cap to hide my "silvery highlights" and slightly rumpled Mom 'Do, and I went to (drumroll please) the grocery store. Yes, this is my idea of heaven on a weekend night - a trip to the grocery store sans 8 year old shadow. As I wandered the aisles (the store decided to inexplicably move everything around - quite confusing for us old folks), muttering to and occasionally arguing with myself, singing along occasionally with the piped-in Muzak, squinting at the labels on various products and shuffling through my fistful of coupons, I ran into many, many groups of gorgeous young college kids (my grocery store is close to two of the larger universities in our area) who were doing their pre-going-out-on-a-Friday-night shopping trips.

    Oh, the looks I got. The looks that ranged from a pitying "That will NEVER be me" to the horrified "how could you let yourself GO like that?!?!". What did I do in response? Did I cluck sympathetically with benevolent grace, as you, the more kind-hearted Empress did to your rowmates at the movies? Nay, not I. I grinned evilly at them, one and all, and went on my merry way. After all, I had to be home to go to bed by 10pm - us old folks can't stay up like we used to...

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  26. If you were attempting to scare me off wanting to see a movie alone, it didn't work. But I have emptied my freezer of tilapia.

    Very funny!

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  27. You are hilarious.

    And they ARE so young and pretty and they just don't know it yet.

    Two perfectly adorable girls were sitting at the table next to my husband and me at a restaurant this past Saturday. They were with these two complete donkeys. Foul-mouthed, F-bomb-dropping donkeys with greased hair who sat with their legs splayed open and talked to the girls like garbage.

    I kept thinking, "Oh you sweet, beautiful girls! You can do so much better than that. Those uncouth boys are not even in the same league as you are, and you don't even know it."

    *SIGH*

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  28. Ladies, you don't know how hard it was to not grab each one of these angels by the shoulder and shake them up good while shouting, "Don't you know how frakkin' gorgeous you are??? YOU"RE 16, for chrissake!!"

    I'm all about the self control.

    xo

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  29. You should have charged them for your services.
    m.

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  30. OMG.. hilarious!!
    I loved every second of this.. I laughed so hard when you said you answered the girls questions as she asked whether you would do Ryan Gossling.. but she was on the phone! LOL

    Those ladies, whether they know it or not, were lucky to sit near you.

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  31. 6 weeks between hair cuts? Geesh... if I make it in every 6 months is a freakin' miracle! Seriously!

    I like going to the movies alone... not that I ever get to. But I can sit and watch it without interruption at all. Perfect if you ask me!

    I remember 16 like it was yesterday instead of more than 20 years ago. And I look back at how awesome I looked and wonder how in the world I thought I looked bad! I only wish that I could look that good now!

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  32. It's always the truest things that are the most hilarious! This was absolutely spot on! And I wish I didn't know that...

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  33. First off, I loved that movie! Loved it. Ryan Gosling, who I've never thought twice about before, was so absolutely charming and wonderful in that movie.

    And they have no idea, how gorgeous they are, how swiftly those days of youth will go by them. If I could bestow one gift to every girl on the day they were born, I would give them the gift of being comfortable in their own skin.

    And good for you, Beautiful Lady, sneaking out to see your own movie. It is the stuff of fantasies, to just run away and hunker down in a good movie.

    Hilarious, but sadly true, post.

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  34. Alone at a movie? Heaven!

    Screw those young girls...their boobs are perky and in the right half of their torsos...you owe them no apologies.

    This was toooooooo funny, btw.

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  35. You're awesome..and I loved that movie. See at 16 I wouldn't have "gotten" that movie at all. It was funny and wry and witty and so poignant...so much more than a romantic comedy, John and I were like...wow,..that's a LIFE for sure.

    as for the girls, I am sure that they (like us at 16) had their own opinions of you, but for me, I am so glad you dumped their popcorn and answered the questions they never asked you.

    Honestly if at 16 I had an amazing lady like you to tell me how much I was worth...who knows who I'd be today. :)

    loved that movie, loved this post, love you...BIG.

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  36. It was a great movie though. I loved Emma Stone and how she handled Mr. Gosling. He's Canadian you know. Wish I could have gone and tripped over the teenagers with you. I personally like to also spill popcorn everywhere, and talk real loud about what's going on. We would have been a great pair.Youth and Beauty? Overrated.
    Dana

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  37. Ha!! I remember Ryan from Murder By Numbers...sigh. Never have I wanted to be Sandra Bullock before then...

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  38. This is exactly why I don't go to high school football games. Darn, adorable cheerleaders.

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  39. You really never know how much of an influence you can have!

    At an award ceremony 20 years later:

    "When I was 16, there was this lady at the movie theater and..."

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  40. Hilarious -- but, really, you had me at "I took myself to the movies" (oh to dream) and at "Would you do Ryan Gosling?"

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  41. The older I get the more young things I give up on...it only bothers me somedays! Because also the older I get the better I get!

    You are a walking billboard for all they have to look forward to!

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  42. I find it pretty hilarious that this all happened while watching that particular movie. Because you know, that doesn't really seem like their type of fare... ha ha!

    Wish I'd known how adorable I was at that age!

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  43. My seven year old daughter told me about Ryan Gosling. I don't know who the hell he is, but her friend's 15 year-old older sister told them that he is really hot.

    So I told my daughter that I might have to beat him up. I was kidding, but she thought I was serious and told her friends.

    Apparently this being Los Angeles where everyone is in "the business" word has gotten back to Mr. Gosling that if he ever encounters me he won't be so cute any more.

    Anyhoo, if you take yourself back to the movies you can share that sort of silly gossip with those girls. They'll love you for it...or not.

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  44. Love this post! You are hysterical. Sixteen yr olds really dont know how good they have it. I would kill to look like my 16yr old self. That saying is so true...youth is wasted on kids

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  45. I absolutely adore this! I only recently (just now 40) have started garnering such looks from lovely teens. I appreciate and understand their youthful optimism but silently giggle at all that is before them.

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  46. You know what?

    We never think we'll be the nerdy old lady, but looky here:

    It's here.

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  47. I fried the meat of 45 croaker over vacation . . . I still smell like fried fish.

    I truly love going to the movies by myself, but I always end up going right before the movie is pulled from circulation, so it's like me & three other geeks in the theater when I get there (last movie I saw by myself: Machete - it was awesome).

    I'll never, ever understand talking or txting or doing anything but watching a movie that you've paid to see. And I'll REALLY never understand what happens to make someone choose fashion over comfort when going to a movie.

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  48. Wait. You got a pedicure two months ago?

    Lucky.

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  49. p.s. Speaking of lucky.

    Ryan Gosling would be lucky to get his hands on an experienced woman like you. I mean, really. Yoga pants. Sweatshirt. Tilapia. Size 8.5 shoes. It doesn't get better than that.

    I promise.

    And there are all kinds of 85-year-old ladies looking at us saying, "You have no idea how beautiful you are right now..."

    At least I hope they're saying that.

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  50. The fish hair made me laugh! I love going to the movies alone, but I always wish I had the theater to myself. I go to the theater to get away from people, geesh! So, would you do Ryan Gosling? :)

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  51. Oh my lord, one of your all time best.

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  52. OMIGOD! The Serb and I saw that movie - there were only 10 other people in the theatre and they were all teenagers and the Serb and I were the ONLY ones laughing!!! Afterwards we lamented how lame those teens thought we were. And Mr. Gosling...oh my...

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  53. Hilarious!!! Those girls won't know what they have until it's gone.
    Seriously... I saw a picture of me when I was 17 the other day and I was a stick. A STICK. And now I'm wondering why I didn't dress like a complete hoochie when I had the body for it.

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  54. Were your purple sweater and red hat out at the cleaners?

    I am honored to be a member of the same "society"

    Friday nights we have pizza and garlic knots.... there wouldn't have been any cute girls (or anyone else for that matter) within 15 feet of me!

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  55. And that is why I never go to movies alone...ok that's not the reason. It's because my crip spine can't handle those god foresaken chairs...and to think that when I was their age (I'm talking about the youthy youthful beauties) I used to complain about aches...pft. oh and that I was fat...double pffffft.

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  56. I tried to read the whole thing, really I did. But my brain went to its happy place as soon as Mr. Gosling took his shirt off...

    *off to Google pics of shirtless Ryan Gosling*

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  57. You are too awesome. When did we become the old people?Wasn't it just yesterday I was the cute girl with the long black hair and too many friends to keep track of. And that outfit you mentioned, I;m wearing it right now. I wear it every day..even on days that I don't workout!Oye. Getting old sucks! But it;s part of life. Now my job is to be my daughter's cheerleader not just the cute girl. It's their time. BUt,between me and you, I think we are still pretty hot, especially in the right outfits and with the right company:) xO mama

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  58. I love it when you bring the funny, LUV IT! And man, what I wouldn't do to go to the movies ALONE. Or with you. They both sound divine.

    Also, my mom makes a mean tilapia as well. I can only aspire to one day cook fish like you two.

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  59. How do you do this? How do you write so beautifully, so poignantly and so humorously? ALL THE DAMN TIME?

    I envy you your gift.

    PS The husband and I went to see Our Idiot Brother on Sunday afternoon - there were 4 other people in the theater. It was AWESOME.

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  60. You are so very funny and so very insightful at the same time. Maybe part of what makes youth so gorgeous is that they have no idea of how gorgeous they truly are.

    I'll come hang out with you anytime. I don't mind Tilapia hair :)

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  61. If you stay in college, this could be your dream life, too.

    Perfect.

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  62. just marvel how you have created this scene among characters in this movie theater. i adore that the girls and you have eclipsed crazy stupid love as the story and subject of this conversation. i love the world you create everywhere you go:)

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  63. People without children are horrified so EASILY

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  64. What I would've given to be in that theater with you three rows up and to the left. I would've observed the whole thing and blogged about wanting to be your friend and sharing my Sour Patch Kids. Youth wasted on the young. You secretly were their hero. I announce out loud that you are mine.

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  65. I wish I wasn't too self-conscious to go to the movies alone. And I wish my kids would eat tilapia. But what I wish for even more than those things is that I could be OK with who I am. I'm a middle-aged mom. I'm that mom. I no longer have glossy waist-length hair and perfect clothes. It sounds like you're OK with that and I want to be, too.

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  66. You're all leaving comments funnier than my post!

    I'm going to have to block you all.

    Ack!!

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  67. I LOVE this post! Lady, I totally feel the same way, lol! I said I would be the fashionable mom--instead I totally rock the high waist-ed mom pants, shirt that looks like it's been washed and dried way too many times and the frizzy hair in a perpetual ponytail. And you know what? I love it. I wouldn't trade it for a thing.

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  68. I remember my friends' moms & their potbellies and comfortable shoes & I was never going to be that mom. I was skinny & I felt bad because I had no boobs. Now I've boobs & a belly & comfortable shoes. How the mighty have fallen. Boobs too.

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  69. I bow to your mastery my friend, and I relate all too well.

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  70. Hello Tilapia hair. I'm bacon hair. So nice to meet you! ;D

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  71. I was so pleased to read a story about a "mature person" being the annoying one at the cinema. I thought the under 14's had a lock on that. Stupid teens and tweenies and cellphones.

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  72. Oh you're funny! Did you love the movie? I still really want to see this movie - just haven't found the time yet! I think I should take myself, too!

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  73. I laughed! I laughed! I had a complete visual of you, the girls, your summer purse! This is such terrific writing, and the truth! Amen Sista! Thanks for clearing up that problem I've been having with my eyesight at night. I hadn't gotten around to an appointment with Dr. Google yet!
    Fabulous post Alexandra, just superb!

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  74. So funny. I had no idea how good I had it at 16. You're right, all I did was compare myself to someone else and see my own flaws. I look back now and realize I had no idea what was to come! LOL

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  75. We don't know we're beautiful when we're beautiful, do we?

    Now we think we're old haggy witches, but come 20 years from now, we'll realize WHY DIDNT WE KNOW WE WERE BEAUTIFUL IN 2011??

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  76. Psssh, those 17 year olds don't know what they have! And Ryan Gosling? Yes. Please!

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  77. haha...I always feel like a complete dork around teenagers. I should have LOVED my body when I was that age, but I didn't appreciate it at all.

    Sooo...you said Ryan Gosling takes off his shirt? What was that movie again?

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  78. It's amazing how crystal clear we can see the 16 year old yet as a 16 year old seeing yourself, the picture is so out of focus. The one thing that a 16 year old can see clearly are abs. I am sure that your behavior on this count, has been forgiven.

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  79. Oh I couldn't love this more and could not have read it at a better time. I was at a wedding over the weekend full of lots of young teens and twenty year-olds and truly realized that I am now the old one. I'm the one in the minivan, who leaves early and isn't perfectly tan or manicured anymore but I'm also the one with way more confidence and certainty about myself and my place in life. Love this!!

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  80. Love it, love it, LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!

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  81. I love that you answered the girl on the cell. I can sooooo see that. Sounds like a perfect night. Did you get all their email & cell numbers? Y'know for the next time you're feeling at loose ends and wanna rock with your crew?

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  82. If we lived closer I would go to the movies with you. I never get to go. The hubs is too cheap, but sometimes I just want to go see a movie in a theater without my kids running around and standing in front of the tv and you know-that stuff. Also, I am sorry but you are definitely cool enough for a hoodie!

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  83. I would have blamed the fish smell on the poor hygiene of the girl with the leopard flats.

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  84. I love going to the movies alone. I don't have to share my jujyfruits (pretty much the reason I go to the movies, so no one can see me eat the ENTIRE frigging box) and I can sit in the dark and ignore my roots, feet, aching back. Wish to god I could smell like fish because then it would mean my children ATE fish. Idiots. Look at it this way: your roots and flipflops probably prevented them all from doing something stupid with a boy later that night: "NO WAY," they said, "HANDS OFF. DON'T WANT TO END UP LIKE THAT LADY." (Same as when I showed up on a Jersey beach 8.75 months pregnant wearing a teal tankini. I watched girls stare at me and then rush to buy themselves nuns' habits). So see? you saved them from themselves. Really, they owe you.

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  85. I just love how you're always denying what a little hottie you are. You're not fooling ANYONE, you know. You? Have still got it. I think those girls were likely more that a tad envious.

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  86. I am dying to see this movie. and Ryan Gosling without his shirt on?! MEEEEOW. Dang. I wish we lived closer. I totes would have gone to see this with you and your fish-smelling hair would not have bothered me in the slightest :)

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  87. This was in the dark people, can you imagine had it been DAYLIGHT and they'd seen my lobster claw heels on my feet?????

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  88. I would totally go to the movies with you!!! Although alone time at the movies = priceless.

    Next time you find yourself hanging out with a bunch of teens you should just try and fit in and pretend you are also a teenager. That's what I do. I'm all "yo, Ryan's abs are sweeeet!" and "OMFG, did you totally see what Emma Stone is sportin'?" It works. Until the cops show up. I can't imagine who keeps calling them?

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  89. I had the same size feet from about 13-25 and then BAM, flippers. WTF?

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  90. OMG- this post is divine.
    If you stay in college, this could be your dream life too- I laughed so loud at the bitter truth of that line.
    I'm so jealous of those yummy, young girls. I'm also jealous of your gnarly footed self for getting to see a movie I really want to see.

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  91. oh how i love this, gnarly feet and all.

    this could be me, minus the scent of fried tilapia.

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  92. You're few lines about your Friday nights, how this is what you live for and how if they go to college, they can be just like you...HAD.ME.ROLLING!

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  93. Omigrickin' gosh! I would like a bag of strawberry Starbursts. Delivered by unicorn. STAT. Fantastic!

    I think we are at the same place, and I'm crushing on you a little bit.

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  94. Are you pulling a TWFKAB fishing for compliments manuever? (How do you spell maneuever?) Cuz you're gorgeous too! Now compared to Ryan Gosling....well, let's not kid ourselves, no mere mortal could compete with him.

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  95. I have 30 precious minutes to read blogs and I'm actually logged into the right account. I have left comments for you several times only to realize I'm logged into the wrong account and can't submit. Aagh!

    Anyway, this was a precious post - truly precious. Your acceptance of who you are teaches me to be the same way. And it cracks me up at the same time.

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  96. Don't we all just.get.this.

    We were so wonderful, and we never even knew it.

    How sad.

    Well, take my advice: don't try to tell a young teen you don't know she's beautiful.

    It scares them.

    xo

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  97. Gasp!!

    Of course; you could be apologizing profusely to the horrified husband who you convinced " The Help" was a comedy!

    It was; up until the part of the weeping and my hand off of the napkins. Wait; that was for his hands. Right!

    Awesome post!!

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  98. i love you so much. how am i just finding your blog now>?!?

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  99. Those idiots are totally not thinking that about you. If you new how seldom other people thought about you, you wouldn't care what people thought about you. I love my suburb married life! I'm not ashamed!

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  100. One of my favorite posts, Empress. But I think those girls thought you were the coolest. As they rightly should.

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  101. yes!

    And as the previous commenter said, there are 85 year-old women thinking how adorable I am with my just-getting-old-looking hands and crunchy hair.

    You are lovely.

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  102. I just discovered your blog and I love it!

    I would give my middle child to be able to go out alone and sit through an entire movie (well, entire movie except for the 3 kids and a bladder thing that I, too, have going on). I actually called a babysitter the other night so I could go grocery shopping alone at 9 pm. Yes. Grocery shopping. ALONE. Oh the heaven.
    And I'm completely there on the "I'll never do that" stick. I now shun high heels for flats, forget to brush my hair until I get TO the office, and routinely go to the grocery store in mom jeans and a t-shirt that I just wiped my child's nose on. So much for the "I'll never dress like my mother" spiel that used to parade through my dense head.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Dixie. WOrking my way around to meet everyone. Thank you for your patience. xo

      Delete
  103. Oh my shitsticks, that's awesome.
    I go to the movies by myself a lot. I usually look like a tall mumsy unibomber with child-sized handprints from the waist down. It's pretty hot.
    Came from the Finding the Funny Party. Planning to stick around.

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  104. Thank you to all new visitors here from Kelley's Breakroom nd Finding the Funny Party...it's so great to meet some new funny bloggers! Thanks for stopping in, I'll be visiting back as much as I can.

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  105. Oh, I love, love, love, love this post!!! You are so awesome! I was laughing out loud all throughout it. I loved that you hit that girl in the head with your summer purse. Ha! I stick with one purse for a looooong time. My mother-in-law looks at me with disgust and asks, "Don't you ever change out your purse?" The next time she says that, I'm going to sneak a fried Tilapia filet into her purse somehow.

    By the way, I AM SO GLAD you linked up! You are hilarious and there will never be another Empress, no matter how many other funny bloggers we find. Big hugs!

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    Replies
    1. You're always so good to me, Kelley. THANK YOU for your encouragement. Always.

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  106. You are hilarious sauce. And just by my saying that, you know I've never been one of the cool girls in the movie theater. Though I also don't know how to cook fish, so I fear I'm sadly not really accepted into any social bracket.

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  107. So funny.

    I haven't ever thought of taking a movie at ten.

    Great away time.

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