Monday, January 9, 2012

An Acknowledgement To The Level of Craftiness Employed On A Daily Basis In This House

This used to frost me.

I mean, ooooh....really just frost me.

I used to get madder than a woman who's been arguing with her local library for the past three months over who's got the Disney's Prince of Egypt DVD.

It seemed that anywhere I looked in my house, there'd be the very thing that would just push me right over the edge.

The near empty Kool-Aid pitcher in the middle shelf of the refrigerator.

The two drops of apple juice left in the gallon, next to the Kool-Aid.

The trash can under the sink that was kinda full, but not full enough to spill out...yet.

Our Mr. Coffee, along side the toaster, with barely 1/4 cup of coffee left in the pot. 

Tony The Tiger smiling at me from a cereal box filled with, oh...what? Let's say FOUR frosted flakes inside.

A snack cabinet loaded with bags of Lay's, Jay's, Doritos; each one filled with a precise count of no more than seven, no less then four, chips.

The gas gauge in the car; at a level where the *pingpingping* of the cutest little gas pump ever has been lit since last Thursday -- at least.

And the soap dispensers in the bathroom....my three all answer yes when I ask them if they've washed their hands; so, are we using air as soap now because when I went to wash my hands just now the pump I saw in there hasn't seen soap in it since Jillian tried to convince me to lose 20 pounds in 30 days the day after New Year's.

But, tonight, when I opened the refrigerator door and saw the Kool-Aid pitcher sitting on the shelf with only an eighth of an inch of yellow liquid silt covering its bottom, it hit me like a bolt of lightning.

Holy cow but the forethought the four guilty parties in this house go through to NOT be the ones to have to make the fresh Kool-Aid, or empty out the apple juice and crush the container and bring a new gallon up from the basement, the piling up of the trash -- like a game of Mr. Tip It.  How there is just enough coffee in Mr. Coffee to make it look like there is still some coffee in Mr. Coffee, leaving cereal in the boxes so it sounds like there is still cereal in the boxes so they don't have to be the ones to throw out the box and take it to recycling, same MO with the bags of chips in the snack cabinet...if you shake the bag and hear something in there, then you don't have to be the one to get rid of the empty one and replace it with a new one from downstairs.  Perfectly timing out the gas longevity in the car so it juuuuust gets you home, but no one else anywhere else.

And the empty soap dispensers in the bathrooms.... let's just say that if that's the level of cleanliness in this house, then it was no small miracle the swine flu didn't take us out last year.

It astounds me; the cerebral gymnastics required to calculatingly measure, determine, estimate how much is not too much but just right for leaving the Kool-Aid, juice, snacks, car, trash, coffee, full enough so that no labor or replenishing is required on their part.

I noticed a trophy store on the way home from school the other day, I'll be stopping by there and placing four orders tomorrow, because such skillful levels of ingenuity just can't be left unrecognized.

Bravo, children, well done. 

Please, sir, the trophy over there? The big one? Make it out to read "First Place: To The Artful Kool-Aid Dodger."
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54 comments:

  1. You have raised highly intelligent young men. Be proud, stand tall Empress. Eventually when all is said and done, they will eventually live on their own and the four chips will mock them, and they will hear your laugh like a bad itch they are unable to scratch. Now go make some Kool aid and hide it.
    Dana

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  2. I'm amazed at just how different my kids are, now that they're grown and in homes of their own and having to do all the things I once did for them. Hahaha, paybacks!

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  3. Hahahaha I love Dana & Ms. A's comments. But you are raising awesome men, Alexandra :)

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  4. Obviously you live in my house! With my kids and oh let's not forget my husband who has also been known to employ these tactics!

    Can't wait for the awards ceremony!

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  5. smiles...i dunno what you are talking about...smiles....

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  6. Smart men. Very smart men. They know exactly what they are doing. My six year old daughter yells at her dad for doing the exact same shit. Drives my girls crazy that he does this.

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  7. You all hit the nail on the head: should I be proud?

    Should I be impressed?

    have I wasted years in anger rather than amazement?

    Questions of life.

    you're all so funny.

    xo

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  8. Yes! I remember this delicate art from when I was a kid! I was one of 4 siblings and that 2 inches of koolaid could be very stubborn.

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  9. OMG, I totally know. I've gotten to where that part doesn't really irritate me as much as the putting the dishes away in the wrong spots on PURPOSE because he doesn't want to or the fact of how they deface the laundry. THAT makes me want to create my own 4-letter words and yell them for all to hear.

    Boys are something else... what. I'm not quite sure...

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  10. Doritos, Kool-aid, Frosty Flakes... Can I move in with you. That sounds like the best pantry ever! No wonder you're mad when it's empty.
    m.

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  11. I believe I've been accused of such cunning before. By my sister. Bah.

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  12. The only good Kool-Aid Pitcher, is a full Kool-Aid Pitcher...why can't they see this??

    xo

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  13. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I'm going to leave this cryptic. But I'll give you a hint in pig latin: Usband-Hay ith-way CD-oh-ay.

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  14. I swear, I think my kids burn more brain cells trying to NOT refill something or NOT put something away. I suppose it will be good practice for College or something...

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  15. YES! The artful water pitcher dodgers live in my house! They're. Everywhere.

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  16. How much are the trophies? Because I'll need to buy some as well. The cereal box is the one that KILLS me.

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  17. Get yourself a trophy for craftiest one of all...for getting the trophies! I just love that! The trophy of shame!

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  18. Oh this irks me to no end. And to not fess up! Grrrrr There are five of us in here, correct? Four of us are able to get to the top shelf where the juice is, correct (unless #5 has recently learned to use the bathroom step stool to reach the juice and is hiding this newfound ability from us all). Did you have juice today? Yes. OK! So, were you the last person to have juice today? I don't know. Really? And you don't either? Nor you? That's it. I'm not buying anymore juice. Drink the good old DC tap. Runs all day. Unlike the juice which ran out this morning when ONE OF YOU drank and left a swallow. A swallow. Do you ever say I'd like a swallow of juice? No, you say I'm going to have a cup of juice. A whole cup. Which I now cannot have.

    I'm bitter, sorry.

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  19. My point exactly, smart people. The amount of conniving it takes to keep the appearance of plentifulness up.

    As I said before, have I wasted years in anger rather than admiration??

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  20. This could be its own linky. We've ALL had those moments. Ugh.

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  21. Another thing to add to my list of stuff I have to apologize to my mom for. There were four of us plus my dad, we turned her into a basket case.

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  22. My pet peeve is one square of toilet paper clinging to the cardboard tube. You didn't know you finished it? Luckily, everything is with in reach. Also annoying, putting empty boxes back in the pantry! Kids gone again, house quiet, I'm sad or maybe not!

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  23. Men and children have honed skills such as these. It is impressive, you're right. But, us mothers have honed our equally bad ass skills of guilt tripping and manipulation through blogging. :) Well done! LOL

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  24. I'm guilty of doing all those things but I live alone. Which means I yell at myself a lot.

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  25. Bless you sweet woman.
    Not only does this mean that I'm not the only one pulling my hair out because of this but it means that most men do this.
    It's the men.
    It's innate.
    Laziness is innate.
    Order me a trophy too.

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  26. When I was in camp, the person who emptied the "big juice" at each table had to go up and fill it again. BUT that person also got to have first crack at the newly filled pitcher. It encouraged some people to empty it, but most would do anything to keep from emptying it.

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  27. I know!! What is that all about?! I can't understand it.

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  28. You slay me.

    It's always harder to do something the wrong way, but it must feel so damn good.

    PS WHY ONLY A SLIVER OF SOAP IN THE SHOWER? HOW DO YOU THINK YOU ARE CLEAN???

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  29. My husband get one for leaving the toilet paper roll empty and just moving to a different bathroom that has toilet paper.

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  30. Water in the water pitcher and toilet paper on the roll. Those are the absences that get my goat. My only satisfaction is knowing that what goes 'round comes 'round.

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  31. Seriously, people...it takes what? 10 seconds to throw out a bag of Doritos and stick a new one in there??

    xo You all are the best. What would I do without those that GET IT.

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  32. I have never thought about it like this! My husband is allergic...absolutely allergic...to finishing anything off. But I always thought it came from wanting to leave some for me (even though it was only four frosted flakes.) Now I think it's laziness. What a fool I've been!
    I also deeply appreciate the bonus reference to Oliver in your caption. You rock on many levels.

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  33. OMG...I almost peed my pants reading this..since I used to deal with this with my siblings..as the "honorary mom" in my childhood home I often was heard shouting "you need to tell Mommy when we are running out of cereal!!"

    Honestly if this is what I have to look forward to as the boys grow (and I think I do) please pass the xanax now. ;)

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  34. This made me laugh because it sounds so familiar! Ha! I know what you mean. They must really be smart kids to be able to measure what's enough not to throw away. You must be so proud! I'm tearing up!

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  35. so funny

    candace

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  36. This happens at my house and we don't have any kids. The husband likes to leave bags of shredded cheese in the fridge with literally 5 shreds in them, and somehow can seal the bag so it's completely filled with air like a balloon. Amazing.

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  37. Huh..... sounds exactly like my house!!

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  38. hmmm, that sounds like playing by the rules:) i laughed when you threw away the soap example from the others and chalked it up to general hygiene.

    the cereal, i may have done a similar thing as a youngster, with love, of course:)

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  39. This is the TRUTH. I am one of four. I am also one who knows exactly how much milk comes out of the carton when you make a bowl of cereal and how much you have to leave in for it to be someone else's probably. My husband, the only child, is a hapless victim to my trickery.

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  40. It's innate.
    Laziness is innate


    Nah it is skill. It takes time to develop and refine it so that you can be the last one to eat/drink from that pitcher/bag.

    I applaud the men in your house.

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  41. This is so true, I also often wonder how someone can actually put a FOLDED shirt into the dirty laundry pile.

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  42. YES!! What the hell is it with that?!?!

    *grrrrr*

    XO

    A.

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  43. NO! I don't care what the others said. Do NOT be impressed!! It's annoying! It happens here too.

    And while you may think now that the trophies are a good, just think, you will ENCOURAGE them more. Snikes!

    p.s What about the stairs at your house? Does anyone ever bring up the stuff you put at the bottom that needs to go up? Cause at my place, if I don't carry them, they become carpet fossils.

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  44. p.s. please ignore all above said grammar and spelling errors. it's only 6:25 am now for Christ's sake, I should be making breakfast, not sneaking in computer time....

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  45. Hee! It's good to focus on the positive. Like the pure genius of our family! :)

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  46. I think that trophy stores are going to be swamped this week. I'm pretty sure that most of us have a few of those to hand out! If only they could use that clever genius to help me get things done.

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  47. I think that trophy stores are going to be swamped this week. I'm pretty sure that most of us have a few of those to hand out! If only they could use that clever genius to help me get things done.

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  48. What really, really drives me mad is not when someone leaves "just enough" to consider something as "not empty," but when someone uses the end of something but doesn't tell me.

    No trash bags? Fine, just let me know. Recycling bin full? That's fine, just let me know. None of the "essentials" in the fridge (Diet Mt Dew, cheddar cheese, milk for the kids), that's fine, just let me know.

    Then, I end up home, with the kids, and I have nothing.

    GAH!

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  49. I hope you really get a trophy and do an awards ceremony in your house at dinner. And of course blog about it.

    Or go on the offensive. Fill that Koolaid pitcher up with water and food coloring. Fill the ketchup up with cocktail sauce. The soap with pudding. [insert evil laugh]

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  50. This is entirely too true...however in my house, I may be one of "them" === my husband recently caught me red handed shoving cracker wrappers into the couch cushion to avoid having to stand up and throw it away..

    "You do realize that WE are the ones who have to clean that up, don't you????" he asked incredulously. I hung my head in shame...in shame I tell you.

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  51. I have yet to stop laughing. Tea everywhere... including out my nose.
    This was my morning.
    I wondered why hubby was laughing when I went to throw a kleenex in the garbage. Then I saw... he had pulled the sides of the bag up so that he could squeak that one more thing in, then shoved it back under the sink.
    I smirked and turned to throw it in the composter instead.
    Snickers turn to pure laughter.
    It's full.

    "Screwed you on both - BOOM" was the war cry.

    A-hole. The wheels are in motion now.
    He's gonna get it.

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  52. If each time the culprit took half of what was left, they'd be at it forever! Oh, except for evaporation. Anyway, "air as soap" and "yellow liquid silt" made my day.

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  53. I love this. In a "I'm-so-sorry-mom-for-all-the-crap-I've-pulled-over-the-years" and in a "This-will-soon-be-my-life-because-payback-is-a-b*tch."

    See, it sounds so much worse when you lay it out like this...

    Another complaint often heard 'round the house usually consisted of someone sticking head in fridge and staring for one item which seemingly could not be found ANYWHERE only to have my mom stop whatever she was doing to come over and find this mystical item in plain view.

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