Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Resolutions I Can Live With, Vol. 20

It was over twenty years ago when I finally got smart to New Year resolutions.

People agonize over them, they pin their hopes on them; eventually, some cry out in self defeat -- me, I can't wait for January 1st to bring it to my door.

January 1 -- the day that I resolve to do nothing about the things I can't do anything about.

Board the 2012 Let It Be Train with me. Life is better when you just surrender.



My 2012 List of New Year Resolutions I Can Live With:


#1.) I will accept the fact that there will be days that my hair will look like Leon Trotsky.





#2.) I will tell myself that no matter how loud and bassed up I play my Fatboy Slim, *check it out now I say FunkSoulBrother* errr..sorry* it will still always be the driver's seat of a cranberry minivan that I'm sitting in.





#3.) I will come to realize that a woman who begins to prepare dinner by 2:55 p.m. so that it is piping hot and on the table by 5:19 p.m. will never have a headstone that reads like this.





#4.) I know that people exist who wear exercise pants for exercising; I will, however, continue to wear exercise pants without exercising because of their two way stretchy fabric.







#5.) I will be realistic with my lululemon dreams and that even if lululemon promises this....


I know I will get this...






#6.) I will make the purchase of Crest WhiteStrips being fully aware that their promise of seven shades whiter will still only get my teeth this far up on their color gradation scale.







#7.)  The fact is that it doesn't matter how I see myself in my head groovin' it on the dance floor -- I must look at this picture and know that this...this is how I will always really look out there.






#8.) I need to admit to myself that I will until the day I die believe that the sole act of purchasing this DVD is enough to get me the same results as actually following along to the DVD.






#9.) I will stop stacking up books next to my bed so overdue the police are knocking at my door and quit pretending like it's them that'll be plastered on top of my face when I fall asleep at night instead of a Star magazine.






#10.) I will stop getting my hopes up on Hair Appointment Days and just be glad that someone else is washing my hair. What I say to the hairstylists vs What they hear me say to them will never be the same. And it will always be my word against theirs.



Now, deep liberating breaths, and welcome, 2012.
_____________________________________________

 **SORRY about all the images I had to pull on this post. Got one of those scary alerts asking for photos to be removed. People: really, the age of pulling images off of Google is gone.

Take it from me. Now I understand why so many people post without pictures....used to wonder, but wonder no more.

63 comments:

  1. I.Love.This. There are things I can't change, yet I try to... especially around the New Year. You have now given me the encouragement to just........ go with it. :) Happy New Year! (Thanks for stopping by today, btw)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hahaha I love you Alexandra! Oh and I so miss People magazine. They have them here but pricey. :D Happy NewYear!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are so funny! Thank you for the laughs this morning. I needed them!

    ReplyDelete
  4. lol...i think we can live with these...maybe not that second stretch pants pic though...i might be happy never to see that again...smiles...thanks for the chuckles empress...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank god for People Magazine. Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ya know... I have a Suggested Resolution for you. I know I'm taking a risk here, going out on a limb and telling others what to do when I sure don't have my own act together, but this comes from love, okay?

    I'll bet that if you resolved to stop reading People magazine (and the celebrity worship that those magazines and TV shows suck us all into), it would be a lot easier to accept and love yourself the way you are -- a strong, beautiful, REAL woman, who lives a real life eating real food. The People magazine cover you showed today is a perfect example -- even the beautiful celebrities don't look that way without professional makeup artists, professional hairstylists, professional fashion stylists who shop for them and put their outfits together, professional trainers, plastic surgeons, airbrushing, daily food deprivation that sometimes crosses the line to become eating disorders, etc.

    It's funny that you mention hair appointments. I deliberately avoid bringing celebrity magazines home, but then I'm at the hair salon and that's all they have to read. I sit there in the chair, while my highlights are cooking, flipping through Vogue and People and Elle etc., and my self esteem plummets immediately. I look at the impossibly thin, tanned, perfect beauties in the magazines, then I look up at the mirror in front of me and suddenly my nose is too big, there are lines and bags around my eyes that I never saw before, I feel like an ugly obese person even though I wear a size 8 or 10. Why do we do this to ourselves?

    But there is an antidote! Just go to the local grocery store, or to Walmart, and look around you at the other women shopping. You will have this epiphany: Some women look better than you, yes, but many women look worse than you do. You are a beautiful, healthy, REAL woman living a fabulous, wonderful life. Enjoy every minute of it! We all love you just the way you are.

    ReplyDelete
  7. LoL... I loved this. I couldn't stop laughing.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I get so excited when I see a new post pop up on my reading list from "Good Day Regular People". Thanks for keeping it light!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh, looks like we're all on the same page with these resolutions.
    We can eat better, sleep more, drink more water, and exercise.

    But the rest? Meh.

    We'll be fine.

    Happy New Year!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Best list I've seen so far. Cannot stop laughing!! *snort*

    ReplyDelete
  11. Great list and very funny. I don't think Rebecca Grace "got" that.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Love this - also, I'm jumping right in with the DVD purchase thing - I have too many to count. It's embarrassing. Or, it was, until I accepted it.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Number 5,8 and 9 especially. Oh man. Especially number 8. I might need to give the stack of DVDs I've acquired away and clear up that shelf.

    I never thought I was in danger of number 3. I was pretty sure I could go ahead and use that groupon to have my headstone printed with that exact same phrase. However. Life has changed. A lot. I would say more, but the 11am hour approaches. I need to go start dinner.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I love this and can totally relate: I resolved to exercise more this year. I even put it in my calendar. This morning nevertheless found me in front of my laptop with a bag of mini Reese's OB Cups.

    Oh, and my two year old totally dances like Elaine. I wonder when it will stop being funny... :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. You mean I don't absorb all the knowledge and change my body shape just by rubbing the cover of the magic DVD? NOW you tell me!

    Love you, my friend! And Happy New Year. Don't ever change, you're perfect just the way you are. (And I have seen your butt, roomie, and it is far closer to lululemon lady than walmart shopper lady, tell the truth now!)

    ReplyDelete
  16. This list is flawless, but to be completely honest, you had me at #1. And #3. Number 8 and #10 have convinced me that we must be related.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Ah, now there is a list I can resolve to keep!!!! I am just going to add a section with th yoga pants that references by sports bra that has no association with sports, but somehow makes a uniboob comfy!

    ReplyDelete
  18. It's all about resolutions we can keep, and that still offer some sort of an improved you/me.

    Like acceptance: xo

    ReplyDelete
  19. With each and every one of your resolutions, I simply love you more. <3

    ReplyDelete
  20. Stretch fabric is one of the greatest inventions ever! Too bad mine will only stretch just so far, before it explodes and shows all my unglorious faults.

    Nice to have you post at home, girl!

    ReplyDelete
  21. We eat dinner at 5:15 every night.

    So I guess everyone has to find her own definition of "living fast" right?

    Cheers to the pace of our lives.
    It's perfect for our families. Perfect for us.

    (Although a little more speed might push my wrinkles back a bit...)

    And I can't afford lululemon anyway.
    XO

    ReplyDelete
  22. Brilliance, sheer brilliance. (As usual.) My New Year's Resolution plan every year is to look back at the past year and celebrate what I did Well Enough. Always makes me feel good, just like two-way stretch fabric.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Love it. I totally agree. Why bother with the resolutions this year when the world's supposed to end anyway? LET'S PARTY! (which means pie, sitting, drinking and laughing. Not lululemon.)

    ReplyDelete
  24. Love, love. So funny. And, hey, how scary does Kelly Ripa look without makeup? I shouldn't judge...I'm definitely not in a position to judge, but she doesn't even look like her. Anyway...
    All the best to you this new year!!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I love this. And you.

    I wear exercise pants too. They were made for people like us.

    May 2012 be fabulous for you.

    ReplyDelete
  26. The Leon Trotsky bit - hilarious! And I've been living in my lululemon pants ever since I had the baby. God bless the stretch.

    Happy New Year, my wonderful friend!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Completely cracking up at #3. And #8? I do the exact.same.thing.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Oh please. You are super skinny and beautiful. And I love your curls.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I had a library book so overdue in 2010 that they garnished my state TAX RETURN for it. True story.

    I'm not proud.

    OK, ok, I'm a little proud. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  30. All of you here: you are my heroes.

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  31. You really got me with the minivan thing--that's me, 100%. Here I am, listening to Floyd and Zeppelin, and sometimes even Eminem......in my minivan.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Hey, Trotsky had pretty defined curls; who knew? "I wonder who's chasing her", Elaine dancing,and Magic Shell cracked me the heck up, but that giant lycra-clad ass? If you turned back time and made a wax cast of your butt every Christmas eve of your life, then melted them together and molded them into one conglomerate ass, it would still be smaller than the one in that photo... or mine.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Where on earth did you get those pics from? They really are graphic, dear friend! LOL.

    ps: for me it's not only STAR... It's US, InTouch, and People too. Ah, guilty pleasures...

    ReplyDelete
  34. You should see the stack of exercise DVDs I have that just sit unused.
    I did my part when I purchased them.

    Amen to getting our hair washed at the hairdressers!

    ReplyDelete
  35. I still think I have a few beta exercise tapes. Jane Fonda donkey kicks anyone?

    ReplyDelete
  36. LOVE this post! I can get behind these goals, girlfriend! Usually I make resolutions NOT to make any resolutions. ...but this year, I actually have goals for myself. I don't even think they qualify as resolutions, but I DO have goals!

    ReplyDelete
  37. I, for one, like Leon Trotsky's hair. More women should have that Do.
    m.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I don't make New Year's Resolutions either. For several years in a row, I tried the same one:
    I WILL BE PATIENT AND NOT YELL AT MY CHILDREN.

    Which morphed into:
    I WILL BE MORE PATIENT AND YELL LESS AT MY CHILDREN.

    Finally, after yelling at my children half a dozen times on Jan. 1, (SEVERAL years in a row) I realized that by the time I get this New Year's Resolution right, the kids will have moved out. Suddenly, it seemed like a lot of extra effort for nothing.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Ah, if only purchasing the DVD gave you the secrets within. I have the "Naked Warrior" DVD by Pavel . . . if you watch it, by the end of the regimen, you'll be doing one-armed hand-stand pushpus. And you'll look like a washboard.

    I like to think that, if I think about the DVD enough, that, someday, maybe I'll just gain the secrets . . . or, you know, be able to do more than 20 pushpus in a sitting.

    This list made me chuckle, Alexandra :-)

    ReplyDelete
  40. excercise DVD's make great coasters for hot chocolate. The Bass be with you, FunkSoulSister ; )

    ReplyDelete
  41. Ha! You crack me up. Go on with your bad stretchy pant self. Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete
  42. Oh, the loveliness of commiseration. I do just want to eat less chips, take more walks, drink A HELLUVA LOT MORE water, and get 6 hrs sleep.

    Really, that's all I want.

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  43. -->I love your list.
    I made one too with 20 things on it. Realistically, if I complete half of them I'll feel good. I've already done one - -Fired a gun.
    That's how my list rolls.

    http://www.websavvymom.com/2011/12/2012-new-years-resolutions.html
    (If you want to see it.)

    deb

    ReplyDelete
  44. I look like Elaine on the dance floor, too. But, have stopped caring. And shake it anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I'm not really sure what you're trying to imply here... but Trotsky is hot.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I like to pretend that I work out by wearing yoga pants but usually my cover gets blown when I drop something in the grocery store and I have to ask an 80 year old to pick it up for me because I can't bend...
    Did I win for the longest sentence ever?

    ReplyDelete
  47. Down with Lulu Lemon bitches...
    Rock the resolutions of 2012 ...

    I have a similar list.
    My husband called me a cynic.

    I said realist.

    ReplyDelete
  48. The reason for blogging??

    Like minds like these, you guys, all so awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  49. I love those resolutions. A much better way to ring in the new year than with guilt and tears!

    ReplyDelete
  50. These are beautiful resolutions!

    ReplyDelete
  51. This was just right on the money. Made me smile. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  52. Lady Jennie:

    so glad I made you smile at this time. YAY ME!

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  53. Uhm, I may have been told that a certain dance move I am fond of doing (the hoe down) is reminiscent of Elaine's thumb dancing. Not sure how I feel about that. Rock on wit' yo bad self, momma! Pump that Fat Boy Slim and Rihanna and have dance parties in your minivan, at the park, in your living room, wherever. That'll give you yoga booty like no other ;)

    I see wonderful things ahead in 2012 for you. And I know this because you said that some days you have Leon Trotsky hair. It's cool. Some days I wake up to find Medusa staring back at me in the mirror. And that's okay.

    *HUGS* Love you, girl. And happy, happy New Year to you and yours! XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  54. Thank you for legitimizing my desire to remain in yoga pants, and *gasp* scrunchie, today and convince myself that playing bowling on the Wii with my kids does in fact consitute exercise, and thus I can eat that chunky Kit Kat bar Santa put in my stocking without guilt.
    while browsing through that latest "bestseller" that I picked up conveniently by the grocery conveyor belt, of course ;)

    ReplyDelete
  55. aaahh, i like realistic resolutions! xo

    ReplyDelete
  56. Too human and TOO FUNNY. Thank you ALexandra. Wonderful perspective on it all. GDRP always delivers. Cuz ya deep!

    ReplyDelete
  57. I completely agree...except for the part where you think your butt is the size of that other woman's, the one NOT wearing the Lulu. I don't believe you for a second! I think you have this rockin' ass, 'cept you're classy, and won't show us. Oh, and love the tombstone! Mine will say the same thing, only I don't cook for my family.

    ReplyDelete
  58. I just realized that I had Leon Trotsky hair all through high school. God, I hope I was making a statement.

    ReplyDelete
  59. I am down with each and every one of these, funk soul sistah!

    Happy 2012!

    XOXO

    A.

    ReplyDelete
  60. These resolutions work for me: I can do them, they make be grow as a person, and I am an improved version in some small way for 2012.

    So much better than reaching for the sky when really I just want to eat less chips, drink more water, move my body a bit more, and get some good quality stuff in my head.

    But, oh, how the UsWeekly and Star and InTouch call my name...

    ReplyDelete
  61. I had an easy resolution, I will not eat my young. But this has more to do with I would have sneak up on her. I think I can still take her.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Dear Resolution #4,
    I have noticed that the proportion of my stretchy elastic waist pants have increased at a rate higher than that of my non-elastic pants.

    I look forward to this trend continuing in 2012.

    ReplyDelete
  63. How did you get into my head and steal all of my resolutions? Laugh out loud funny.

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails