Saturday, April 6, 2013

Maybe Someday They'll Tell Me


*with special thanks to my ever musing muse, Taming Insanity.

Questions I Want To Ask My Children:

1.)   Do you walk around then stop mid pace to fart, just for my benefit? Or are your friends at school treated to this special delight, also?

2.)   During lunch at school, does the conversation also begin with your favorite blood letting scene in a movie and then end with how you'd perform brain surgery on yourself via your nostrils, or, again -- am I just the lucky one?

3.)   Are screaming goat imitation competitions held elsewhere other than this house? Or do you feel it can only be done at home, because the acoustics are best when they bounce off the back of my head like that?

4.)   I have a feeling you place bets with your friends on whether or not I will bring your lunch to you at school if you forget it at home, don't you? You know what? I don't care. The thought of you with no food just dissolves me.

5.)   I won't ever get an answer to "who left their socks on the coffee table?!," "who left the empty pitcher of kool-aid in the fridge?!," and "who left the van door open all night?!," will I?

6.)   Why do you think I can get you to school in negative ten minutes and reverse time when the rest of the world would take twenty minutes to travel the same distance?

7.)   Please explain to me, so that I can help myself understand, why I go through the work of setting the table with silverware when you each grab the meat off the platter like cavemen after a shared mastodon kill.

8.)   Do you boys know I have no special skill in finding things? When something is lost, I have to look for it in the same way as any other human being does -- search and locate, boys, just like everyone else.

9.)   Please tell me when you'd like a class on toilet paper roll replenishing. I'm pretty much home all the time.

10.)  You do know I'm on to you, right, when you tell me that no one butters toast all the way to the edges like I do, just so that you get me to do it for you? Again, I don't care, the thought of you no longer being here for me to do this for, dissolves me.

xo

* * *

39 comments:

  1. #8 applies to husbands too.
    He thinks I'm a ninja thing-finder.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Does your husband have refrigerator blindness, too? xo

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  2. This, THIS is exactly what I needed today Alexandra. A hearty laugh and a reminder that all of us with a household of boys go through the same insanity, but we wouldn't trade it. Not even when they've got 20 pairs of shorts, yet insist they must have the blue ones that are languishing beneath ten pounds of crumpled laundry two minutes before the bus arrives and only mom possesses the retrieval skills. Solidarity my friend. Solidarity. xo

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  3. no the farting is for their benefit as well...i mean if it builds up they might explode...

    um...been a while since you were at school lunch eh? that is rather mild...

    usually in math class

    i made $20 last week

    my brother

    because you are a mom, come on, i bet joey's mom could. she's so cool.

    nng wonga kachi ookla

    remember what i was saying about joeys mom...

    you mean it doesnt magically appear?

    but mom, you do it so amazing...like no one else, even joey's mom...smiles.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love this.
    Now formulating my own list of questions. If I ever get it down, I'll credit you and KLZ. xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let me know when you do, can't wait to read it. xo

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  5. Love this. As chief executive toilet paper roll replenisher and finder of all things not belonging to me, I get this - I really do. :)

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  6. I laughed and nearly cried and #8 completes me! Now I have to get to the kitchen for some water...crawling of course, to stay under the noxious gas cloud the boy just left behind!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You always make me feel so good, Andrea. Thank you.

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  7. Questions 1-3 are directed at me, aren't they?

    XO
    A.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Secretly, yes, they were. (how was your trip????)

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  8. I have a streaking 4 year old boy right now. Harder to catch than a greased pig. Could you ask them why they do/did that at that age? It might solve one of the mysteries in my house right now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As soon as my 16 and 17 yr olds let me know, I'll tell you.

      Delete
  9. Google taylor swift goat duet for the boys. The video will slay them and give you a better appreciation for goat brays.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hello, beautiful. I miss your editing perfectioness ways.

      Delete
  10. I love when I realize that the toilet paper is gone in the kids' bathroom - and also the kleenex I have strategically placed on the tank in case of such an emergency.

    I don't even want to ask them how long they haven't had any paper available at all...

    I mean really.
    Does a mother want to know that?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. right. and yes. and no. and I know the answer to too many things I wish I didn't. xo

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  11. Oh yes...then thought of not being able to do all those things because they've grown up and gone...Big sigh.

    As for goat imitations, that one doesn't happen here. (Saying quick prayer of thanksgiving for that one!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh, they must not have seen the screaming goat meme on youtube set to taylor swift and others... truly time wastage at its finest.

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  12. omigosh - YES. The silverware. Why won't they use it?

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  13. Omigosh - YES! The silverware? Why won't the USE it?

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  14. I'm sort of glad that my children THINK I have some special location power but I don't usually feel the gladness until after said object(s) are found.

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  15. I just remembered that I need to visit my mom . . . . . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ok - came back to see if you had commented and half of my damn comment is missing!

      Anyway, what I meant to say is that I need to visit my mom. Because this post reminds me of myself, when I was around your boys' ages . . . though I never had a great fascination with farting. And I never left my lunch at home (because I never, ever forget food).

      Delete
    2. That comment, just like that: stands alone. xo

      Delete
  16. I love this.
    Also, taking the class on the toilet paper does not guarantee they will pick up the concept. I've tried it on my husband many times.

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  17. Oh, I love this!
    Also, the class on toilet paper does not guarantee they will pick up on the concept. I've tried it on my husband many times.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True, they only need it half the time whereas we need it all the time, but still? Don't you love us, guys?

      Delete
  18. I've asked my younger son the first two, and he assures me that he'd never behave that way in front of friends. Just me. The lucky one.

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  19. You're the best mama three crazy boys could ever ask for.

    ReplyDelete
  20. The joys of having boys! And I really do mean that. How much I have learned about silliness and boy-related wonderfulness with a son.

    Love this post, Alexandra. I will need to keep in mind always #10...

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  21. Hilarious. Has anyone nominated this for BlogHer 13, in humor? Let me know and I'll do it.

    #8 reminds me of one of Roseanne Barr's famous punchlines: "My uterus is not a tracking device."

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  22. Ah, I can't wait to have children. ;)

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  23. I'm with Katie :) Mommyhood (especially being a mom to boys) sounds kind of awesome. XOXO

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