Thursday, July 23, 2015

Auggie's Laments: Post BlogHer and While Mom's Away

 
 

Dad trying to get me to touch poison.

"Just knock me out until you get back." - Auggie, one hour before I left

"You can't convince me you have to go." - Auggie, night before I left

"Nice job trying to make me think four days isn't that long." - Auggie, on drive to airport

It's my fifth BlogHer conference, and it's also the fifth year of "Auggie's Laments." These posts have worked out to be my best posts of the year and my most highly visited.

Auggie is my youngest son, he keeps a "journal" [never say diary] of the day by day accounts of what happens while I am gone to the BlogHer conference. Does he exaggerate? Maybe. But I'll tell you this, he makes me laugh.

It's time to open the journal, and present to you, the fifth annual edition of Auggie's Laments: What Goes Down While Mom is at BlogHer.
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DAY 1:
-Dad tried to feed us a made up breakfast. He tried to. It was awful on both accounts.

-Later we played basketball and he actually tried to play me like it was a real game. Every time he made a basket he'd say SLAAAAAAAAAAM. It was bad, mom.

-This sounds good but it wasn't: he didn't tell us when to go to bed. It's more fun when someone tells you and you don't do it then when they just let you.

-I slept in my clothes and he didn't care that they had pollen from the day on them.


DAY 2:
-Dad offered to make me my toast but I declined because I know he would toast it brown and I just like it to be warm bread. He also goes crazy with the butter and brown sugar like he can't see or something and the toast quote quote becomes soggy French fry sticks instead.

-However, he did order our hamburgers the right way at McDonald's and did get me to my classes on time.

-Oh! We had a soccer meeting with my coach and he is Brazilian and so Dad!! DAD! pulled out his "amazing" Portuguese and kept saying "obrigado" to him and I was mortified. I almost crapped my pants.

-He burped without saying excuse me and ate without a shirt on and those are all things I can't eat around. You know that.

-Dad used pesticide, got it on his fingers, then he licked them and ate a KitKat!

-Manana, mama, I miss you.


DAY 3:
-One more day, mama! I love you.

-Woof. What a day! I got slammed when we played basketball outside (again, mama, again) because I told Dad that basketball is a recreational sport and not a competitive sport and he ran past me and said, "recreational this!" and kept shoving the ball in the basket.

-We went to the mall for something to do and hung around Barnes and Noble but it's not like with you who buys me stuff.

-Dad made me play basketball again at night. Every time he'd go by me he'd say, "Smell that? I smell like a winner!"

-I am surviving but I love you and I miss you.


DAY 4:
-We are picking you up today!

-Quite possibly the longest day of my life.

-Not much to write about unless you want to know how Dad made us go for a walk in A TORNADO. I said, "Dad, the sky is yellow like a magic marker," and he said, "Who cares LET'S GO FOR A WALK EVERYBODY."

-I almost got ketchup poisoning from ketchup left out because no one cares about putting stuff back in the fridge when you're gone.

-Also, we have had NO SHOWERS.

-I thought my face was getting all zitty all of a sudden but it's probably a staph infection from bacteria because Absolutely no showers!

-This is day three of me not changing clothes because no one tells us to.

P.S. I'm hurrying with this, now Dad's rushing around to clean up the house before you come home and he's trying to teach us how to use the washer!

I miss you, mama, going to get you soon!

Love, Auggie
 
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Past Auggie BlogHer laments can be found here:
 
 
 
 
 

28 comments:

  1. He is hilarious. I spot a future humor writer. Perhaps he will attend BlogHim (equality now) in 10 years.

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    Replies
    1. BlogHim is brilliant. BlogKid is too! Thank you! xo

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  2. I always look forward to these!! The staph infection had me spitting my coffee out all over my computer! Thanks so much for starting my day with a laugh Auggie!! (You really must meet my boys one day, you would have so much to talk about!)

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  3. Ketchup poisoning! Staph infections! It's a good thing you're home.

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  4. OMG I am laughing so hard. Auggie already has such a distinct voice. Love him. (And all of the "I love you, Mamas" and "I miss yous" are so sweet.)

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    1. So glad I make you laugh. I love that. xo

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  5. Dad used pesticide, got it on his fingers, licked it, then ate a KitKat?

    Clearly, poor Auggie is flirting with death by being in the care of this manchild. I love it!

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    Replies
    1. Oh, he barely survives it. Poor thing. xo

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  6. The "obrigado" bit. HAHAH!! Reminds me of my sweet daddy who regularly says things like "Pass the ass" in "spanish" when he means, "Pass the butter."

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    1. This made me laugh. In my family we call the ends of the bread loaf, "el culo del pan," which is just gross.

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    2. Yes, my husband thinks he speaks 7 languages. Actually, it's only please and thank you in each.

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  7. Loved this. LOL @ the staph infection. My kids report what went on when I'm gone four hours. I can't imagine four days!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Wombat. He took a shower and his face, instantly cleared up! It was lack of hygiene. !!!

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  8. Oh, sweet boy. He's gotten a decade older in the past year. He's much more tolerant of Dad, ignores almost all the food issues, and this time is only dying of ketchup poisoning and zits.
    I'm making a 2016 prediction...he will change clothes even if not reminded. Because by day three this year he knew it was gratuitous to continue that particular "I can't remember these details by myself" charade.
    I'm glad he had a good time this year, even though he won't admit it.

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    Replies
    1. Right? It's like watching water edge ever closer to the sand castle.

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  9. Fantastic. The staph infection bit also made me laugh. I love precocious kids.

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    1. Thank you, Suheiry. In full honesty, he DOES the push the limits.

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  10. Love Auggie's comments! He only ratted out dad, not the brother(s).

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  11. The basketball trash talk is soooo funny. Be sure to let Auggie know I really, really feel for him. Clearly, he suffers.

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  12. I always love to hear these trials and tribulations poor Auggie has to endure. So funny.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Tess. I am loving the fact that no matter what next year brings, I have at least 5 years of post BlogHer Tales. xo

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  13. Totally worth waiting another year for! Still trying to figure out if showers were forbidden, or just not suggested! Hahahahaha! And now I have to add ketchup poisoning to my list of things I did not realize I should worry about. Glad you survived Auggie!

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    Replies
    1. They were never even brought up. He couldn't believe the lack of hygiene.

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  14. I love this so much.
    How did they smell when you got home?

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