Thursday, February 10, 2011

I Live With Men and So I Turn To You

Can I pull this one off?
In true Empress style, I have waited till the last minute.

I have a HUGE life event this Saturday. HUGE.

Life changing life affirming life altering la vie en large. 

I'm auditioning for the Listen To Your Mother Show in Madison, Wisconsin, this Saturday, February 12, at 11:00 a.m.

I really want this and I am going to go for it.

Go Fight Win, right? Well.....

Now, 2 DAYS BEFORE THIS AWESOME OPPORTUNITY...while I sit here in the middle of a pile of pulled out from the closet clothes, face in hands, I suddenly remember...

I don't know how to dress.  

I have been inside a house either gestating or lactating since 1995. What does one wear to an audition? What? Hubs says, "you look good in anything." (yeah, I know, he is so good.) Teens say, "mom....we don't want to look at you like that." (huh? teenage boys...what does that even mean?")  Baby E says, "momma, I like your red pajamas best."

What to do? Then, a moment of clarity...I am NOT * lone woman walking the planet.*

I'm not.

I've got some help.

I know the BEST peeps for this job.

What the heck and geez louise...but I should've thought of this before.

YOU, You, my sweet friends.

And who is cooler and what is cooler than cool? Ice Cold You.

I've been tweeting about the Listen To Your Mother Show audition that I have this Saturday. THIS.

I had the deep hair conditioning treatment done for the Winter Dredlocks (took a gallon of oil, thank you.)

The nails are a beautiful, retro Lucy Ricardo fedora red...thank you to Hyui Lin (you are a DOLL, girl.)

I'm getting the beauty sleep so I don't look like a psycho with red lipstick but, oh,  she has glossy hair!

My confession: I don't know what to wear. I don't know what to wear. I don't know what to wear.

Please, if you have a heart, vote in a comment below. Here are the looks I'm contemplating:

Ethnic. As in, "My...we're looking ethnic today."

Smart. As in, "Wow. No accessories needed, her brain's enough."

Sugar and Spice. I've got 2 more years left on this look, I think I can do it.

Glamour Woman. I'll even bring this chair.
Hip Chick. Sometimes, that's all you need to know.
Leave me a comment and a vote, please. Have pity for a woman living with 4 males. What look should I go for?

AND: consider trying out yourself for the Listen To Your Mother shows in Austin, Valparaiso, Madison, Los Angeles, Spokane. Go HERE for audition information. You just need to want to do it!

You know, I could always go as me:


  1. Your beautiful words are going to eclipse anything you are wearing. You could be wearing a burlap sack, friend. Remember, they are listening to your words.

    But this was very cute :)

  2. Hip. TOTALLY go with hip.

    And I LOVE your line, "gestating or lactating".

    Love ya, Empress!

  3. I'd go for realism: bleach splattered Yoga pants, a purple bedazzled hoodie with safety pin zipper pull, Old Navy plastic flip flops and a coloured macaroni necklace.

    Hair and makeup should consist of off-kilter ponytail held with a broccoli elastic, and waterproof mascara. Chapstik smeared on lips and surrounding area is a nice touch.

    This is my driver's license photo. They seemed to like it.

  4. ...and PS. Even if you wear a garbage bag, you'll rock it.

  5. Well, we know you're "no accessories needed" smart, but I would also love to see you audition from that Glamour Woman chair. ;-)

    Take that shiny hair, those red nails, and add a simple dress. As Gigi says, they are listening to your words. And your words? Are incredible. You go!! I can't wait to hear about it!

  6. I say, go with you. :)

    Good luck!

  7. I say go for hip. And nothing instantly makes an outfit look hip like knee high tall black boots. They make you feel confident and sexy too. Find a dress or top/skirt combo that will work with a pairs of boots and you're golden.

  8. Oh just be yourself. That way you won't have to learn any lines! You go girl!!


  9. Khaki pants and a green collared shirt, just like Lois Griffen.

  10. I vote for smart.

    But heck, what do I know? I live with FIVE guys!

  11. you are gonna win this, Empress. I can feel it. Will Rita be there?? so exciting! can you vlog any of it?!?!?!

  12. oops. i didn't mean Rita. I meant Ann. I have RIta on the brain b/c I just realized she lives in KC w/ me!!!

  13. I say wear what you feel comfortable in (but not the red pajamas, although I know you would rock that look!). If you try to dress up to impress people you won't feel like yourself and your God-given talents won't shine through. I think this sounds like an awesome opportunity! I would love to know more, in case I can come down to Madison and see the performance!
    Enjoy the day!

  14. Did you see my Halloween costume?
    A cross between that and your ethnic look and you will be all set.

    Don't forget you are GORGEOUS inside and out!

  15. I live an hour away from Madison and the windchill is -25 today. You might want to go for layers!

  16. Good luck.

    Also, you can never go wrong with thigh-high boots and a bustiere.

    As far as the audition goes, though, I don't have a clue.

  17. Good luck on your audition! I'm sure you will look great no matter what you wear, but I like the knee high black boots idea. It's a great blend of hip and powerful.

  18. Definitely Smart. With one fabulous accessory.

    Because you? Are smart and beautiful with that touch of... yeah. That.

    Go get 'em!

  19. Wear shoes you can walk in so you don't trip. Make sure your panties are really comfy so you don't absentmindedly pick your backside as you walk away. Bring lots of lip balm, your lips will feel dry like the desert and you will want to be able to move them when you speak. Make sure it's a dark shirt, so that if you spill coffee on yourself, on the drive down, it doesn't show. Probably dark pants too. See reason above. OK, I think that's it. Light lipstick, not dark, want to seem happy not Mommy dearest-ish. And the best accessory will be your smile. But only after applying the lip balm, because otherwise you might look like you just came from the dentist. OK, you're all set! Have Fun! As Tigger would say... You'll do grrrreat!

  20. If you knew how I dress, you'd wisely run away screaming from any fashion advice coming from me.

  21. I'm being a good girl today and working really hard, but I had to step away to first, cheer you on because this? Is you! No one could rock that stage more than you, I am convinced. You were born to do this.

    And as a fashion ho, here's my advice: Go with glamour, cool but not overwhelming. Rock the black knee high boots, combine it with a sexy, confident, but not too overstated dress or skirt with a fab top, preferably in either a solid or not too busy pattern, combine some rock star accessories, but don't overdo them. A fabulous necklace with some bangin' hoop earrings, lip gloss that's poppin', hair that's rockin' and all of this will be yours.

    Big time luck! I wish I could come be your cheerleader. Let us know asap, how it went. If you get it, maybe we can have a blogger convergence for your premier.

  22. Oh my gosh! I'm so excited for you!!

    I think you need to go for classic style...I'm thinking all black with a splash of color. Maybe a wrap dress with knee-high boots???

  23. How exciting! As for clothing advice, oh boyo am I not the right person. I'm a comfort person: jeans and any non-tight top. :)

    If I were to be auditioning, however, I would probably go for your basic black top and gray pants with big, bangly jewelry.

  24. I think you'll be good on the Smart or Hip one, but the most important thing be confident and have fun.

  25. Good luck, good luck, good luck! Can't wait to hear how it went. You will be fabulous.

    And, I'm wearing plaid pajama pants and a grey sweatshirt right, so you don't want my opinion.

  26. I vote go as the Empress.

    So either a woman comfortable with herself in yoga pants or a woman with a tiara and sceptre. Either way.

  27. Hmmm I'd say ethnic. But in all honesty if you have a Nordstrom's near you I'd go there - you don't even have to buy clothes there, but they'll give you a FREE personal shopper to walk around the store with you, pick out flattering outfits and help you with your sense of style. Then, if you can't afford their clothes (I rarely can) you can go to TJ Maxx and replicate the look on the cheap!

    PS GOOD LUCK! You'll rock it, I'm sure!!!

  28. I was going to vote Red Pajamas, but someone already said No to that, so...

    I like the dress, tights, high boots idea. A sweater dress if you are always cold like I am.

    Sweater dresses CAN be cool. I think. And warm. Which is more important.

    Oh. And say yes to hoop earrings. I wore them through all my gestations and lactations and THOUGHT I rocked it even when I didn't.

    And anyway, thinking is more important than being. Just ask "smart girl." All she needs is her brain.

    But seriously? Good luck no matter what you wear. You will be fabulous.
    You are The. Empress.

  29. I'm thinking smart...but I'm really thinking you should wear THE outfit, and I know you have one, but THE outfit that makes you feel like you're the you're super and confident and the world would kill to be you. Put it on and knock em dead!!!

  30. Oh, if only I had a sense of fashion. I'm with Baby E . . . I like the red pajamas best. :D But kudos to you! Wishing you the best! I'm sure you'll look fabulous! (because you knew to get your hair conditioned and your nails done . . . I wouldn't have thought of that). :D

  31. Love what highly irritable said.

    Seriously, you will rock it.

    I know. You should, too.

    We love you.


  32. I am seriously impaired in the fashion department, but I do know one thing - You must feel like "you" in whatever you pick or you won't feel like "you" when you audition. You will be fabulous! I know it :)

  33. Whatever matches your nails :) Good luck!

  34. Nekkid?
    Well I think that you will nail it no matter what you're wearing. Just don't do the red pjs...that would look too desperate.


    (just to clarify)

    But, I like Lynn's comment--wear what makes you feel fabulous.

    Can't wait to meet you.

  36. Throw on any old schmatte, the only thing anyone will be doing is admiring your crown and laughing at your writing. Kick some bourgeois bootie and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

  37. I like Glamour Woman!

    Smart Woman likes it'd get uncomfortable after a while and it's not a regular job interview.

    Of course, something fun and you would be good too!

  38. You know you cannot trust me to advise on fashion issues.

    But I am so proud of you I can hardly stand it.


    Almost unbearably proud.

  39. Oh my I am glad I am not you. I used to be able to dress until I had my second girl.

    Why is it so hard?

    I know you will choose something perfect, smart and hip. See how I combined the 2?

    Have fun and GOOD LUCK!!!!

  40. Glamour woman for sure. Go to Nordstrom and have a personal shopper puck you out an outfit. You can return it after your audition. Not that I would know that from personal experience or anything. Good luck! You are going to kill it!

  41. definitely go hip chick...ha. best wishes for the weekend...

  42. I'm thinking E's idea of the jammies would work. Hey, they'd remember you, right?!

  43. As long as you don't listen to the men, and repeat that I am a woman mantra, I think you can expect to look exactly like you when you leave the house.

    Isn't that the look you are going for after all?

    Love to you, The Drama Mama

  44. Alright, Your Highness. I went to the Listen To Your Mother page and observed that in the past, successful mommies have dressed like they are going to church, but not hide-in-the-back-pew-nursing-on-the-sly going to church, more like what you'd wear to church if you were reading the lessons or your kid was having first communion so you knew people would be looking at you.

    --HOWEVER-- I am reminded of Clara Bow's first screen test (not because I am a hundred years old, but because I'm currently reading her biography) and how she recalled watching all the other actresses going before her and realized that they were all imitating well known movie stars. She went up there as herself and did what came naturally to her, and she blew the other contendors out of the water. So, don't obsess about trying to be what you think they want you to be. Be an "it" girl and go as yourself, whether that means bunny slippers and rhinestone tiara or platform boots with a Church Lady dress. I don't even have a problem with red pajamas. You might be the one momma who could pull that off.

    Break a leg! :-)

  45. I haven't worn anything but blue jeans in, uh, some years. So I'm useless.
    But many congratulations!

  46. ok, so here's the 411 - Mom to Mom, Chick to Chick:

    You are not a single canned look. Like Chaka Khan says, you're everywoman AND an Empress to boot. Find an outfit that makes you smile, works for your body type and that you feel comfortable in. Then walk in with the confidence and carriage of your hard won station in life and let them have it. I don't see how you could be anything but hugely successful. Go get 'em!

  47. I think you should go as you. Red pajamas would really make you stand out (with a little make-up, of course.) But I also think you'd make waves if you had a huge white chair....

    It's really a tough one.

  48. So, I love the dress in the picture at the top of this post! I also vote for something very simple. If you feel good in a suit, or a tailored dress, go with that. I would feel good in those. But I have friends who wouldn't feel like themselves. So most importantly, what can you wear that makes you feel like YOU?

  49. You know it's done in the nude, right?

  50. Oh dear God woman, auditioning is not about what you wear unless you're in Hollywood and they've given you breakdowns of the specific character. (I once dressed as a lesbian biker for a role as a lesbian biker and still didn't get the part)

    I had 2 shows over the weekend and this is what I wore: Black pants both nights, and low heeled boots, NO JEWELRY, and the first night, a long sleeved back tee and the second night a short sleeve grey animal skin top. I had a belt on the second night but one of the comics told me to take it off as it was distracting. I took it off.

    People are listening to your words. Your hair and lipstick and nails are just something you do for you, not for them.

    Also, I would not recommend dark lipstick or red lipstick. Too distracting.

  51. Red pajamas are hip, right? Cuz that's what I'm rocking right now. (Flannel, too.)

    Break a leg!!! You'll be AWESOME!!!!

  52. Yep - with those above - black boots and something confident and a little sexy. Good luck and HAVE FUN!

  53. I'm voting for smart and glamour woman! Rock it Mama!!!

  54. I'm with Eleana Johnson, smart and glamorous.

  55. Good luck with the audition! I think whatever you choose will be perfect. Smart, hip,and wise!

  56. I say go as you. You're a little bit of all of above. Awesome and versatile :)

  57. Go Hippy Chick! Go hip, hip, hip, hip, hip...

    Am I the only one old enough to remember that song by Soho that sampled the Smiths? Maybe the only one dweeby enough to mention it? Right-o. Onward.

    I say go hip, mama. Good luck! :D

    Also? You know you want to hear that song now. You're welcome.

  58. Ethnic, baby! You got it, so flaunt it.

  59. I vote for the smart look, but then I'm not sure I have great fashion sense. I always thought I would love to live in London where I can get away with wearing black all the time. How can you go wrong?

  60. I say go as you...hip. Because I think that you are hip...and you are going to ROCK this audition!!

  61. Be you, holding a big bag. Why a bag? Because you will be collecting all the socks that you knocked off everyone's feet!

    Good luck!!!

    You will be devine. :)

  62. I'd pair the "smart" outfit with the "hip" hair & make up :)

  63. Can you rock the "Catwoman" outfit? That one has always been my favorite. Then when you are done speaking? You add a sexy little "meow" and do a clawing motion.

    Or perhaps a sharp wool blazer with feminine, silk cami underneath, a great pair of dark wash jeans and boots.

    Either will work.

  64. You are too funny, Alexandra! I love the line about lactating since 1995 as well as all your photos and captions.

    My advice would be to go in whatever makes you feel most YOU. You will do the best job (and all you need to do is be YOU - because YOU, unadorned (has to be unadorned) are fabulous) if you are feeling in your element and feeling comfortable. What feels natural on your skin? What feels like you were born to wear it? What makes you feel confident? Wear THAT and everything will be a piece of cake!!



  65. I'd go as "gestating or lactating" as possible. Who better to listen to than a mother who has either been gestating or lactating for 15+ years?

    And if that doesn't work, bring along your photo spreads from your magazine shoots. :-P

    Knock 'em dead!

  66. Secretly I'm hoping for the last one.

    But darling woman, it doesn't matter a bit.

    YOU are what they will want.

    The rest is just window dressing.

  67. So very excited for you! I agree with the masses that it shouldn't be about what you wear...yadda, yadda, long as you're asking for input? Have you considered a farmer chic look? You know, overalls, milking pail, straw clenched between your teeth...I could see it working with the hair thing you've got going on.

    Just a thought. Knock 'em dead! E-I-E-I-O!

  68. Fashion-wise, I am entirely useless. I consider myself very fortunate to have a fashionista sister who is willing to dress me and do my hair before any event at which my uniform of jeans, t-shirt, and Birks are not quite right.

    But I am throwing my hat in here as one of your cheerleaders. I'm so proud of you for putting yourself out there, and truly, they will be fools not to open their eyes wide and be amazed by you, no matter what you wear!

    However, I do know this one little trick, because I am the queen of fumble-fingers coffee-spillage: wear an apron in the car. Added bonus: if you're nervous and your hands get sweaty, you have someplace to wipe them.

    Just don't forget to take it off in the parking lot, because that would be weird.

  69. Go for the glamour look! You can pull it off!

    Good luck, Girl! Good for you for going for it!!!

  70. GF, I couldn't be more excited for *YOU!* Yippyyyy! I'm lovin' that glam look and seriously? Fab post, fab you, fab opportunity! XO

  71. I'm placing 100 votes for SMART!

    Good luck!

  72. Wear something that you already feel confident and comfortable in! Your favorite outfit maybe?

    I'm pulling for you!!!

  73. I'm going with Glamour Woman. The chair will give you a much needed edge if you have to wait in any lines or what not. Everyone else will be on folding plastic chairs or *GASP* standing! BUT YOU. You will be waiting in the seat of comfort and luxury. Just think of how much more relaxed and entitled you will feel once you are called in to audition?

    In all seriousness— jeans and fancy-ish top. Casual and stylish. Can't go wrong.

  74. The gestating or lactating line was classic.

    I think the real question you should be asking yourself is WWCD? What would Celine do? Rockstar glamour woman it is.

  75. Smart with a little bit of sassy would seem to be right. Also, if the audition is actually in Madison, where there's been nothing by snow by the bucketful lately, I'd go for knee-length dress and knee-high boots.

  76. They want to HEAR you, not SEE you! Simple black dress with your red lips and nails. You will knock their socks off!!!

  77. Cute post...chuckled all through it. Most important is not what you wear but that you Break a Leg AND Knock "em Dead !!!!!!!


  78. Oh definitely glamor woman. You have to keep your hands permanently in your hair that way as well.

    Knock their socks off today!

  79. I wish I could help, but sadly, I've been pregnant or nursing for 7 years now and have absolutely no clue anymore...
    although glamour does stick out with perhaps some big hair...I do enjoy big hair...

  80. I don't care what you end up wearing, but before you put whatever it is on, read back through these comments and bathe in the love. Soak it all in right down to your marrow. Feel us standing with you on that stage.

    You, my beloved kick-ass ruler, are going to rock this.

    On a fashion note, just make sure you don't have a VPL (visible panty line) and the rest will take care of itself.

    XO - Ash

  81. Good God, woman, my arm wnet numb srolling through all this advice. Peopl really want to dress you. You're like Gwyneth Paltrow with an Oscar nomination.

    I say go with Glam. I think I saw Ann wear that exact outfit at BlogHer. She was glammed.

    I hope it went well!! I would so want to be a part of that too.

  82. Shite! I am late to this party and I would have LOVED helping out here. It's a place I rock in. Helping peeps find their thing.

    For the record, I see you wearing skinny jeans, low-heeled boots over the jeans, a Breton stripe shirt with a gray cardigan over, and perhaps a scarf wrapped trendily around your neck. Loose hair and minimal accessories cuz too much is too much, you know?

    You HAVE TO TELL us what you wound up wearing! I'm dying to know.

    And I'm nearly peeing myself with excitement for you. Tell us everything!!!

  83. Empress, these are all lovely looks--I kind of like the smart look but in all honesty: I can see you pulling any of these off and doing it with style. I'm so excited for you and can't wait to hear how it went.

    BEST OF LUCK!!! I bet you rocked their socks off (and knocked them off, too).



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