Sunday, February 6, 2011

Just When I Was Beginning To Like You



Life is a funny thing. Life is a funny thing, Mama.

Look at any random magazine cover, and the headlines all scream “Like yourself better!” and “Be awesome in 10 days or less!”

Self help and self improvement books threaten to burst the shelves at any book store from the weight of all the titles. All screaming for you! you! to buy and become a better you. A you that is different from what you are.

It is a good thing to take stock, yes, and to set your sights on honing a skill,  learning a new hobby,  trying something new, or improving on something you’ve let fall to the wayside.

But to become a different, improved, better, more likable you?

Why?

Since I can remember, I have sadly been loyal to the screaming headlines of how to be prettier, have a better body, make more friends, get a new personality, become more alluring and magnetic and irresistible to man, woman, and all things living and breathing.

And, now, in this last half of my life, I have turned off the noise. I have become tired of it. What is wrong with being who I am?

I no longer want to fight what is natural and what is me.

Since the 8th grade, I have been stretching and pulling and snatching myself bald headed in pathetic attempts to give myself straight, swingy hair. The kind of hair that I see girls toss across their shoulder and hold in one hand while they lean in and delicately take a drink from the water fountain. I want the hair from the Long and Silky shampoo commercials. What I have instead is short, coarse, and nappy--and I don’t want to fight my hair anymore.

I have spent my entire life wishing for the small, pert nose that is everywhere. What is on my face instead? A nose strong enough to hold a 2 inch thick eyeglass prescription, were I ever to need that.

And, I am flat chested. I am as small breasted as is humanly possible. I remember hunting for a bra at Victoria’s Secret in my size. The perfect Barbie came over and asked how she could help. I told her I couldn’t find 28AAA, to which she laughed and said, “no one makes that size. The smallest we have is 32B.” That would be a bigger cup size than I’d ever need. In 3 lifetimes.

I’m tired of it. This year, I began letting my hair curl and go. I turn sideways now and let my European profile stunningly cut a picture, and the bra? I just wear double layered T shirts.

But the thing is, now that I am Okay with what I am--my body is giving out.

I have to hobble for a few seconds when I first stand up from a cross legged position.  When I bend over, you hear more crackles and pops than a bowl of Rice Krispies, and my energy? Am I the only one that loves red lights because they allow mini naps?

Why now, Body? Why now when I just have decided that you are the one for me? The only one? That I love you--curly haired, flat chested, big nosed and all? Why?

It is such an irony… I’ve had the love of my life here all along, I could have been enjoying it, not cursing it. And now, sigh, it’s starting to go.

Just when I began to see its beauty.

I hope it forgives me and allows me at least ten more years, to treat it right, and appreciate it for the glorious uniquene miracle that it is.

63 comments:

  1. It is crazy how much pressure is put on women to be better - because we can never be content with what we already are. I am constantly thinking about losing weight. All the freaking time. Worrying about what I look like, believing people are judging me. And I am really trying this year to get that sort of negative thought out of my head this year.

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  2. Great post. I'm getting there too. Paying more attention to being healthy and feeling good, and a little less attention to looking good. (She writes while sitting on the couch in clashing pajamas and an unshowered ponytail...)

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  3. Wouldn't it be great if we could all accept what we were given at a young age instead of learning to love it! Great post

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  4. I loved this - and am working on accepting myself inside and out, all the time.

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  5. I hear you on the hair. I have the naturally curly wavy hair that frizzes in the first sign on humidity and dryness.. I think we as women all have this issue.. I am comingto terms with my body as well. It has een along process

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  6. This was a great post! I can so agree!!! I have the opposite problem that you do- I can't buy bras @ VS b/c they don't make them big enough- I have too much of a good thing here... but through the years I have come to realize they are a part of who I am... as I have gotten older I have come to accept myself... and am working towards becoming healthier rather than model thin- I think that is one good thing about aging- I still try and look nice, but I don't obsess about how I look as much.

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  7. Great post! I am right there with you -- finally accepting what is me and simultaneously being disappointed on en entirely new level!

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  8. Is this a midlife thing? I'm recognizing that I love me. I am also recognizing that I have "had" the perfect "rack" and now they are showing my age. What is going on here?

    Just when I finally decided I love me just the way I am.

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  9. loving who you are is great place to be...it takes many long to get there...and even then some days...

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  10. Well Hullooooo! Thanks for your sweet comment on my bliggedy blog! LOVE this post. LOVE. IT. Me TOO.

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  11. Getting older is awesome, you body is just playing you some music!

    AND, flat boobs are awesome, you can totally run a marathon without a bra and then the chaffing that comes with said bra. SWEET!

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  12. Honest to goodness, this is the first year "lose weight" was not a resolution. Not b/c I couldn't use a few less lbs, but b/c I too have seen the light. Or my standards have been lowered ;)

    But either way, I'm embracing myself now, while I still can.

    I've seen pictures of you, young lady, you've got nothing to fret about. Beautiful! As for the snap, crackle, pop - I find Advil works wonders. Thank goodness.

    Love you, Ash - fellow member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee)

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  13. Why now? I think it happens the other way...as we start to lose resilience, we begin to value these bodies even more. We realize, late, what a gift we've been given.

    Gee, I didn't intend to be so contemplative. I've got to go straighten my hair now...
    :0)

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  14. Okay, I'm going with a totally different direction here, but it reminds me of our Identity series at chuch. Who cares what anyone on this earth thinks of you...God loves you and wants you to be just the way you are.
    Hard to wrap my mind around that one.

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  15. The funny thing about FeedBurner is that I never get posts when they actually come out: I always get them hours and sometimes a day later, which means that I rarely comment, because I always feel like the last kid to the playgroup. And I HATE that.

    Today, this one caught me via the Blackberry in my son's room, all alone, while I was putting clean sheets back on the bed.

    It made me stop and just cry.

    It's rare anymore, that people I don't know make me cry; but for some reason, Empress, you touched a nerve with me. I'm 34 and I'm desperately trying and learning to love myself as I am.

    After 2 bad marriages to men who had no problems telling me I wasn't good enough, I've finally found one who tells me every day that I'm perfect and I don't believe him...at all. That plain sucks.

    For the most part, I'm okay with what I see in the mirror, but I really want to love her. I want to smile when I see her without makeup, with her short unruly hair and her big curvy body. I want to love my outside as fast as I'm learning to love my inside, because like you I'm falling apart faster than I care to admit.

    Thanks for being one of the "real" women who are willing to inspire the rest of us real women to stop giving a crap about the airbrushed BS and start caring about the perfect imperfections we see everyday.

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  16. Alexandra, you KNOW I loved this post when I first read it....it's honestly one of my very favorite posts I've read since heading into the blogosphere a short year ago. I relate to everything you say here and you know I do.

    I only wish you'd written it when I wass 20...I wasted a lot of years searching for perfection, when it was right there in the mirror the whole time.

    Beautiful, my dear.

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  17. Since struggling with postpartum depression and anxiety, I have turned my cheek away from the media...mostly because it was more depressing and fueled my anxiety. What I have noticed in doing so is that I am learning to love me more...all of me. I am going to be me might as well love it right?
    I can safely say I haven't bought a magazine with those titles in a good year or more.
    Me is good enough ;)

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  18. Oh my....such true words!

    Youth, wasted on the young! Me! Wasted on me when I was young!

    I get it now.

    If only I could remember where I put it.

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  19. Beautiful post! I am hoping that now, at age 28, I will truly learn to embrace myself "warts and all" as they say! :-) Thanks for reminding me that time is running out for me too...

    Bless you!

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  20. This makes me want to go swimming. I'm not sure why though.

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  21. I'm still not there, but I'm trying. Of course, it's the curly hair and the flat chest that I want -- ah, irony. Once in the grocery store line I saw a magazine lamenting STARS DANGEROUSLY THIN with a spread of photos of stick-figure women, and right under it was a WORST BEACH BODIES issue. Duh, I wonder why the movie stars are too thin?

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  22. This is a great post! And I'll tell you something. Straight hair gets thin and scraggly and B's turn into beanbags after a couple kids so yes we should all love ourselves, snaps, pops...and crackles included : )

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  23. This post really speaks to me. It has just been recently that I've been trying to embrace my crazy waves and 5 foot frame. Cause let's face it- it ain't changing any time soon. And you are in a wonderful place, Empress. I wish so much that I could whole-heartedly be ok in my own skin. Maybe in another 5 years... lol. But thank you for this wonderful reminder. We don't have to be the woman on the cover at the check out stand. It's ok to be who we are.

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  24. I keep thinking I should just accept myself and give up all the diet food and excersise. I'm afraid if I do I'll blow up like a parade blimp at 55 and say shit, why did I stop? Now I look like Krity Alley.

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  25. It's the ultimate irony, isn't it? As soon as we start to love our bodies, they betray us.

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  26. I think part of the beauty of aging is that we gain wisdom. I love my 40s because I have never been so comfortable with who I am. I am me and that's enough. No, it's more than enough. It's perfect. Why did it take so fricking long to get it? Crow's feet? I've got em. Jowls? I can see the beginnings. Age spots? I'm still calling them freckles. Saggy deflated double A boobs? I have two. Happiness? You Betcha!

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  27. Beautiful. I imagine that you are just as lovely in person as you communicate in your words.

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  28. Love the acceptance and peace you've found. And the creaking and hobbling? I'm dealing with it too...but consistent yoga is making a world of difference!

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  29. i let all my magazine subscriptions run out for this very reason. i am NOT going to find a way to love myself in a magazine of all places.

    I need to find a way...but it's not going to be from Glamour for God's Sake.

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  30. Excellent post, your bloggy Excellency! Good for you for embracing what you have and who you are. I've recently come to the conclusion that it's the thing to do in life.

    I never thought things would start to creep up on my 40-something bod, but there it is. Now I'mma do my best to keep this body healthy and enjoy like to the fullest.

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  31. I love this! I am a 30 but "they" make me get a 32.

    Bra nazis.

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  32. Oh the cracking joints is the worst - especially when trying to sneak in/out of a sleeping child's room!

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  33. I'm generally okay with my body. There are other parts of me that I am much harder on...and I'm still working on loving myself. Allowing myself to believe that I'm worth it. (and yes, staying away from that self help section in the store!)

    I love this post...it is like you, simply beautiful.

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  34. I just LOVE this essay, Alexandra, and I do say "essay" because I think this needs to be printed somewhere, in some publication!

    It's a fresh and mature look at something we NEVER question - duh - it seems so obvious, who wouldn't want to better?? But your story reminds me of one of my favorite quotes: "To dream of the person you could be is to waste the person you are." I carried that around with me all my adult life because it was something that I needed to embrace but had such a hard time doing.

    You're fabulous, and I bet your body will hold up better and longer than you give it credit for!

    (Love the red light snooze, LOL)

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  35. Great post! You go, girl! I wish everyone thought the same as you. I have learned over the years that I am me. I yam who I yam...Popeye was very smart!

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  36. This is awesome. As someone who has suffered "hair envy" her entire life, I can sympathize. My hair is eerily similar to duck fuzz.

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  37. You are a wise woman Empress. I liked it. I really really liked it. I need to print it, and read it every time I look in the mirror.
    Dana

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  38. Sounds like someone needs a backrub!

    No idea. Just throwing that out there.

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  39. Aaah. This is so beautifully expressed and I could relate to every word (except replace the body critique with other critiques).

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  40. Still loving this post - I really don't think there's a single woman who can't relate. It's a very important message. I hope I get there someday.

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  41. I'm right there with you, sister! Love those cat naps at red lights! And I've come to terms with my knees that go snap, crackle and pop. (Except for still getting supremely pissed that shoe stores don't stock my size 12! I don't think I'll ever get over that one.)

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  42. It's your lurking local writer friend .

    After years of struggling with various breast maladies for the opposite problem you have -- the uniboob being the most common -- I finally splurged and got properly fitted at a real bra store (not one that employees Barbie dolls) in Mequon.

    I now do it once a year and it is so worth it.

    I would rather be your 28AAA than my 34E. E! Argh.

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  43. Empress, you and me need to band together as the Amazing Boobless Wonders.

    We can change the world. :)

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  44. Funny.

    As I approach a *milestone* birthday in a few short months, my attentions have been significantly more focused on those topics of which you speak. Deep down, I know you're right. You really are.

    Time for me to embrace, huh? Thanks for the reminder. *Hugs self.*

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  45. this is me asking how your book is coming along...have you started writing it? piecing things together?

    because the description of the straight hair, the throwing it over your shoulder and holding it at the water fountain--i could see that perfectly in my mind. i could understand it.

    get writing, woman.

    love you. :)

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  46. Candace said:

    you made me cry with this one.

    I've always thought you were beautiful and I love your dark hair.

    I love you.

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  47. You know, if anyone ever invents time travel we should all go back and encourage our 18-year-old selves to run around naked before gravity and childbirth wreckage spoil all the fun. :-)

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  48. Wow, this struck a chord! You are so right, all the media telling us we can "be better". What is wrong with being me? But, yes, age and gravity are not kind and it takes lots of work to combat them and keep those joints moving like they should...

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  49. Gosh, you are so good, Empress. You are such a model to any writer aspiring for greatness. I just had to say that :)

    I'm happy you've come to accept yourself for the fabulous and beautiful woman you are. Keep at it, always.

    PS: I always wanted the long, straight hair growing up, too.

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  50. Lovely!

    BTW, big boobies are highly overrated. They start to droop after a time. Don't ask me how I know.

    You are gorgeous, how many blonds do we need anyway? (I have crazy hair myself.)

    Love you and the way you write.

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  51. Mini-naps at red lights? Why didn't I think of that?

    I loved this, Empress. And we could share a bra.

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  52. Oh I remember this post from the first time...and that alone should make me older and wiser but ALAS it does not...

    Love it!

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  53. Sigh. It's a catch 22, that's for sure. Stupid bodies. Although those small boobs? Can't sag too far...so maybe it's a blessing in disguise?

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  54. I had a revelation last year. I came across an old picture of me from my 20's and I sat there studying the picture, being envious of that girl with her glowing, wrinkle free face and her tiny little waist and flat stomach and then it hit me: I remember being that age and looking in the mirror and only seeing what I wasn't. I didn't have thick, lustrous hair. I was too pale. Too skinny! I didn't like what I saw. And I knew if I could go back, I would glory in that old skin. I realized then, that every age and every moment is one to love, to cherish. I've become a lot more comfortable in my skin. It's just a shame that skin is so saggy now.

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  55. I remember reading this one, simply because it made such a huge impression on me. Beautiful, truthful words.

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  56. Yes....I have the curly and have recently given up on straightening it. I am getting ready to write a post about 25 things I wish I had known at age 25.

    This should be one of them

    that is all

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  57. Most most most EXCELLENT post I have read in years...because it is so true and I am so with you!!!!!!

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  58. You're right - just as soon as we start deciding to be happy with ourselves the way we are, gravity takes over. It's a cruel world.

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  59. Hey!

    Big, I mean European nose and no boobs here too!

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  60. I'll admit that I do sort of wish I knew what it was like on your side of the bra issue. Victoria's Secret doesn't make them big enough for me. Lame.

    And the snaps and crackles? I am SO with you on that one!

    Right now, it just makes me laugh.

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