Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Best Thing About Blogging


[This post prompted by Motherese  --a fabulous blog. Thanks for the food for thought, sweet lady.]
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I used to think that I had to be what people wanted me to be, in order to have friends.

If I sensed an eyebrow starting to raise, or heard a mouth escaping gasp from someone while I told a story from my life, without missing a beat, I'd change it up so it would become a harmless, less serious tale - one that would lessen the risk of disapproval. One that would keep the silent judging and labels that don't tell the whole story, away.

I learned, from the reaction of others, that opinions are formed quickly. Assumptions are made, and blame is doled out. I'd  see them whisper and nod my story to someone else, as I'd walk away from their small circle. So, I learned.

I learned to not share details of what wasn't pretty, to keep things light and fluffy, and play to what people preferred to hear. I told stories that people liked. Ones that when they'd repeat them, it'd bring more people over, wanting to meet me.

People liked to hear what was happy, funny, and especially what was not different, life lite. 

But, what can happen, when you safeguard your real stories inside, is that though you may end up with 20 friends who like the "safe" you, you may not have a single friend with the "real you", who knows who you truly are.

That's what happened to me.

I was in a life where I had no real friend. To lay no blame on them, they thought they had a real friend in me. They had come to like the woman who was an instant show, always with a way to make them laugh. Someone once said to me, "I tell everyone, when you feel down, call Alexandra. She's always up."

The pretend me was always up. The real me was saying to herself, "just make it through today." Again, all my fault. It was me who had decided to keep things hidden, because I had seen how people don't like the messiness of life.


When you are known only to yourself, it's hard to not see others through the mask you wear. They may not see it there, but it's on. Everything you see and hear and participate in, can feel false. It's not the real you with these people, it's the acceptable you, that they are with.

Then I decided to start blogging last year.

Through the incredible gift of all of you who come here to read, I have--for the first time in my life-- spoken, out loud, of who I am, to you. It was here, on this blog, where I typed words out loud-- truths that make up me: my depression, my PPD, my insane overhovering unbalanced love for my children, my father's suicide when I was six, my mother's emotional neglect to her six children, my hilarious attempts at trying to fit into this small town, my dependence on all of you.

I slowly showed you who I was, through a tale or two here and there, sticking my toes in first to check out the water, and no one turned away. No one left. You came back...it was OK that I did not come with a perfect tidy life.

Yes, I used to think that I had to always provide some welcome diversion, a clever anecdote, a memory that would make people laugh, a charming snippet of life in the flesh, entertainment for overworked, under rested moms and parents and people.

I have opened up my baggage to look through, to be inspected. There is nothing to hide anymore.  What choice do I have? Open my bags, look through them, and see...I am the person here. Basic human curiosity wants to know who writes these posts. It's just me-- no longer hiding behind words that I think you'll like--so that you'll like me.

I used to be entertaining, to try to get you to like me...so I'd have friends. But, like I said, I'm over that now.

I am the woman who writes this blog, who did not come from a sparkly clean beginning, who isn't always up, who is in love with her family, and who is in love with her readers.

I don't need to offer anything further anymore, I've been made to feel safe, by you.

I stand erect now, I can look you in the eye, confident, because I know you know me, fully. You know who you're talking to.

And I laugh with delight inside, in anticipation, because I can't wait to share all  the stories with you that have been waiting inside, finally able to be told.

Stories I've prayed to have someone to tell.

And I can never thank you enough.

79 comments:

  1. Alexandra, I'm so glad you wrote this. When I started blogging 2 months ago, GDRP was one of the first blogs I stumbled upon (and how glad I am that I did!) and I was immediately drawn in. By your funny stories and your heartwarming stories, by your warm presence on your own blog and on others, and through your gorgeous guest posts and generous comments.

    I already feel like I know you, and I can't wait to know more. I look forward to read those stored up stories!

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  2. Sometimes life IS unpleasant, depressing, funny, or just down right boring. I prefer the people I follow to just be REAL. Love ya!

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  3. You have articulated this so clearly. I don't know which came first for me, the desire to share the real me, or the blog that gave me the chance to really start doing it. Either way, I'm a better person. I'm more authentic. And it feels amazing.

    Love your blog...especially due to the fact that it's not all sunshine and roses. <3

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  4. tell them empress...be real...it is the only way to truly live...

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  5. Life is exhausting when we can't be our true selves. It has taken me 38 years to learn that. Like me, hate me, just let me be.

    Thank You!!!

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  6. Your hospitality to your guests is unmatched. Can't wait to hear your stories.

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  7. Beautifully said. Being true to yourself is the only way to truly live!

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  8. And that is why I read you. I have struggled with, "do they really want to know this?" I remind myself that is why I do it. I'm so Very Glad the real You is here!

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  9. Alison - you've been a wonderful surprise in my life. Thank you.

    Mrs. A - you pulled me through last summer, even if you don't know that.

    Kim- we share a lot together, what a blessing.

    Brian - I know you, as well as you know me. Thank you for that.

    Making It Work Mom - thank you for the support. Your comment today made me smile.

    Amanda - your emails make me happy. Thank you

    Eat, Live, Laugh - it's the only way to be. I wish more people felt that way.

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  10. That was very open, honest and raw; I loved it.
    Yay for taking out the stored stories... actually, make that a double yay!!!

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  11. I love coming here. Your words are so powerful. I agree with you. I've always been myself and try not to hide. Love that you are a 'real person' :)

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  12. Who you are?
    Alex = awesome.
    Share, be honest.
    You are beautiful.

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  13. You were one of the first people to welcome me warmly and genuinely here in the land of blog.

    Your imperfections are what make you perfectly fabulous.

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  14. Being Real on a blog is different than being Real in life. Sometimes we have readers who love to read about our drama, pain and sorrow because it eases their own. I don't read blogs where it's all Happy Peppy. There is just no interest for me there. I'm a blog rubbernecker!

    But in real life I'm never fake. The reason I have had so many friends is because of who I am. It's why I always live in big cities, where everyone is different and it's embraced, not shunned. I think small town America is a scary scary place!!

    I'd rather have one friend who knew the real me than 20 who knew the fake me. Although the fake me? I'd probably run if I met her!

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  15. I love this post! I have been having the exact same thoughts about this same topic. Sure, we all have baggage and things we're not proud of, but those things make us who we are and people deserve to know the real us. Hurray for embracing the real you!! :)

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  16. Love it!! I completely relate as I have a hand full of people that know the whole me. It's those experiences that make you who you are - beautiful, giving, and compassionate. I always figured a raised eyebrow might just be a sign that there wasn't a good friend connection there... and move on. There are plenty of people willing to listen and love you for the whole you - just as you would for them.

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  17. Hey, All:

    Thank you for your emails.

    Looks like Blogger won't let you comment here unless you're "anonymous."

    Thank you for your kind, loving words: I'm amazed, on a daily basis, with all the truly good people out there.

    Thank you.

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  18. You are so right! Real people make real friends bloggy and otherwise. I love your honesty and your desire to share who you are!

    JDaniel4's Mom

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  19. Start telling them!! We're here because we like you, messy and unmessy deets and all!!

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  20. Do you know you are one of the most nurturing, supportive, beautiful people I've ever had the honor of knowing?

    I love you, woman!

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  21. You're right. You're so right. I think we're all guilty of this, and I'm glad you shared. You're one of the most amazing people I have met blogging, and I love you--no matter what you want to talk about.

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  22. Excellent post and so RIGHT ON for a people pleaser. I'm the youngest of 6 and an only child (2 marriages before the one that created me) and have spent many, many years perfecting the art of people pleasing. "Tell 'em what they want to hear - they'll like you more." So I totally get it. And like you, that's why I like my blog so much. Thanks for such a poignant piece.

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  23. I tried to comment on this earlier, but stupid Blogger wanted me to be Anonymous...and that won't happen.

    Empress, how I stumbled upon your blog or started getting to know you on the side, I do not remember. But I DO know that I came back, time and again, for the honest and open person that I found here. Perky and fluffy are OK sometimes, but not when you really want to see the person beyond the fluff.

    And you are SO much that person. Thank you for sharing yourself over here...

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  24. You know how to make a reader come back. I can't wait to hear those stories you've been saving up!

    Love your honesty. Come on over and read about my honestly boring life...! :0)

    Blogger wanted me to be anonymous too, but I resisted it. It's acting strange...

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  25. I can't imagine you any other way than you are here.

    And I wouldn't want to.

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  26. Bring on the stories. We will love you still.

    Love you more, even.

    It's why we're here.

    Glad you aren't waiting...lifetimes are too short.

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  27. You don't need to thank us. That's what friends are for.

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  28. oh, so sweet. u r wonderful and the world is a better place cuz of you!

    candace

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  29. Fabulous post! I always love to hear your stories. Hope you keep sharing!

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  30. This was so amazing I almost started crying (oh u know I did cry..what of it??? ;) you being YOU..flaws, accomplishments, foibles and amazing qualities is why I love you. Those stories that make up your life, the ones that tell us who you really are are the GOOD STUFF, the real things that make we want to reach through this phone to hug you, chat with you, sigh with you.
    Don't ever hide who you are...because I love you no matter what.

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  31. I love this! This is what I love about blogging. We can all be ourselves and accept each other. Beautiful sentiment.

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  32. I love who you are - I want to have coffee with you and your blog, and I don't even drink coffee!

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  33. Right on, Alexandra. Or shall I call you Empress?

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  34. Lori Dyan cracks me up.

    And my sweet friend, I'm so glad you feel free to be who you are. The blogosphere is such a wonderful place, that respect.

    Besides, perfect and normal and happy are BORING!

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  35. Like I always say, might as well be yourself because everyone else is effed up, too.

    Love this post. I think you know I can relate to it.

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  36. My dear sweet friend,

    I am so happy that we have connected in this vast, vast place.

    You are special.
    You are unique.
    You are YOU.

    Don't ever hide you.

    XOXO

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  37. Darlin', you know what's in my cabinets and it ain't pretty. Spill it all; you are much loved.

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  38. I relate, though I haven't been as brave as you quite yet. Thank for sharing your wonderful self.

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  39. Thank you for your beautiful words, Empress. It's hard playing fake...I should know because I did that last year pretending to be 'we're-happy-family' because I was too chickened to be the gossip target and it was liberating to finally be able to shed light on my real self. Your words were one of the comment that I cherish and yes, I still went back to re-read the lovely supports I got from you and everyone else when I finally being real. So glad I have 'met' you online although I haven't been commenting much, you are a special lady for sure, Empress!

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  40. I love this post, and I just have to say thank you for encouraging me when I first started blogging. I was scared and unsure, and you were so right on about how wonderful this experience would be. I had doubts that I would make real connections, but I have. Thank you for encouraging me, and thank you for this post!

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  41. Momma - you know we love you, right?

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  42. You're one of the nicest people I've encountered in Blogland, and I'm certain that's a big part of the real you. Your kindness is very genuine. :) Also? I'm so glad to meet another super hovering mom. I felt so all alone in my helicopter!

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  43. My gosh: have you read these comments, people?


    "The world is full of enough darkness already, yo be the light."

    You all are lighting things up for me like fireworks.

    You? I can't say enough about you.

    xo

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  44. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

    I love this you.

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  45. You know, it's funny, I started my blog as a place to eventually showcase my novel. But it evolved into something so much better. I really feel by writing my silly little stories, I discovered myself. I had all these pieces and I never really could put them together just right. Blogging let me see the whole picture.

    And you, my dear, are fabulous. I admire you more than you'll ever know, not only for your unlimited generosity, your lovely words and your kick ass funny girl self, but for something even deeper. For the fact that we shared our secret early on and spilled our hearts to each other over mothers who could not mother, over the parts of our hearts that will be wounded forever because of that. Your loving spirit has risen above that brokenness and to me, that is the true testament of who you are as this incredible light in the world. I love you lady.

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  46. I came over to thank you for the kind comment you left at JDaniel4'sMom's site; but while I'm here... ;-)

    Thank you for this post. Being real and authentic is such a beautiful thing. I'm very glad you've discovered a supportive community who truly know you and truly love you. What a treasure!

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  47. I like you! I really do.

    That is all...oh wait, we should def meet sometime. Hopefully...

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  48. Wow, Empress - this is so intense! I'm so sorry for all the bad you went through, but thank goodness you took a chance with us bloggers! You are in a better place and we all adore you!

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  49. Beautiful, Alexandra. I'm so glad to know you.

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  50. If we're honest, I think we all have stories like that to share. And working through the pain and being able to talk about it (write about it) only makes you stronger.

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  51. You're so wonderful. You ARE.

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  52. this is one of the best posts on any blog I have ever read...
    the honesty is striking...
    I read here often, but I'm a horrible commenter...but I had to let you know how much I love your blog and who you really are...

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  53. This was so touching! It would be tragic to go through your life without anyone knowing the "real" you. Thank you for these powerful words!

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  54. Blogger is having some kind is comment issue darn it.
    I startd reading you because you were so funny, in addition to writing witty things on my blog, I was so touched by your blog post where you discussed your joy of you children praying, very moving.

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  55. You are a beautiful, wonderful lady and friend. You opened my eyes the other day to some truth and I'm so grateful. This blog of yours is one of my favorite places. I *heart* you.

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  56. Beautifully written. Not quite ready to go there yet. Maybe when I'm eleventy-eleventy I won't be such a coward.

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  57. I tried to post this several days ago, but Blogger is the devil. You have seriously been a wonderful boost in my life. I think you are wonderful and you've really encouraged me to move toward the releasing of the "real" me. You are excellent and I love you. I have meeeeesed you!!!!

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  58. I tried to leave this comment earlier in the week, but I think Blogger ate it up. Sorry if I'm flooding your inbox, but let's try again:

    Amen and bravo! I think you know that I can relate to everything you say here, but you've also helped me realize that blogging is indeed the place where I am most "me," contradictions and all. My mom - to whom I am very close and about whom I posted yesterday - even said to me that she is learning more about me by reading my blog.

    So here's to complicated women and acceptance of ourselves and the others in our tribe!

    xo

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  59. You said this so well, Alexandra. For years, I did the same thing because I wasn't sure that the general public could handle the ugly truths, and I wasn't sure there would ever be an audience for harsh reality. But I've learned (as you so eloquently stated here) that to fully understand a person, it's necessary to uncover the things we don't often like to share.

    I'm so happy you can now open up freely and let go of a bit of your fears. We will always be here for you, to guide you along and hold your hand when you are worried about the backlash. I, for one, am honored you have chosen us as your audience.

    Much love always.

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  60. YAY!! I was able to comment. I've been trying for days! Okay, resume your regularly scheduled programming...

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  61. One day it will be you and me, sitting on some big comfy couch. And we will talk, and you will make me feel safe, and I will talk. I love the you that is you, that you share on your blog. I want to be that you, but my stories are not always mine alone to tell.
    But you and me, on that big comfy couch - you, I will tell xxx

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  62. Alexandra, I don't where to begin...this post is so important, and it resonates with me deeply, right to my core. I wrote my blog on that premise too - to be able to let those old stories and blemishes come out. I've kept them inside for too many years, and as I told my 7 year old the other day about keeping bad feelings in, "It's poison. Don't keep poison inside of you."

    I think people like to be entertained, but they also need to feel validated and understood.

    When you open up about yourself, you help open the door for an afraid person too - you're telling her, hey, you're not the only one. You can talk about this.

    My FAVORITE posts of yours - the ones my eyes are glued to - are the ones where you speak honestly about things from your life. I LOVE your funny posts, but I love and appreciate even more the ones where you show courage to give us a slice of who you are. Because you are so wonderful, and I feel that I need to have more of Alexandra. Your personal posts allow me to build that intimacy with you.

    Keep going, Alexandra!!

    xoxo

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  63. This post feels like it deserves an eloquent comment. But the damn post is so unerringly truthful and elegant that it speaks volumes and (almost) would be diminished by commentary. Because this post speaks for ALL OF US who are reading it, whether we write our own blogs or not. This is the shit that brings us here. There is enough bullshit out there in the world... in the media... in the people we "talk" to (often without ever really saying anything that matters, or hearing anything that matters)... that, corny though it may sound, we come here seeking truth. Truth doesn't have "adjectives," like good, bad, ugly... It simply IS. We want something real and genuine in a world where that is increasingly hard to find and facades are easier to build, as are barricades around ourselves and our hearts and our thoughts. We wall ourselves off from not only others, but our true selves. Sometimes unwittingly, sometimes intentionally -- not realizing the long-term damage until it's too late.

    Thank you for this beautiful post. And believe it or not... I will close without one of the sarcastic or snarky jokes I know we both love. But today, (or at least for the next few minutes), we will be above that, and revel in the very real and profound connection we all have forged here in your sacred empire :) xo

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  64. We have so many stories to tell, and we need to listen to each other...without deciding a thing, just listening.

    You are all so wonderful.

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  65. Alexandra, good for you that you found a place where you can be the most you. I, too, have found that through my blog and it's liberating isn't it? And the fact that the more you are honest with yourself, the more genuine your relationships with those around you become also help. At least that's what I've found in my community and friendships once I started to open up too.

    Great post!

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  66. I could have written this post (only not as well). I truly understand every word you wrote.

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  67. Seriously.crying.right.now.

    I love your words, I love your stories, I love your transparency and heart.

    What you have written right here, is what blogging is all about.

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  68. Alexandra, bravo. That is all. XO

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  69. This is my first time here. We all need to be ourselves so good for you!

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  70. I love you so hard right now. Totally.

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  71. This is the best thing about blogging. The very best. Beautiful post, beautiful woman.

    xo

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  72. Love this, and love you for writing it.

    I'm not the same person I was three years ago (none of us is, but I mean I'm really, really not after the whole baby/PPD thing). And the person I was 4 months ago compared to who I am now? Wow. So different.

    I started my blog telling my true story. It scared me every day to do that, but how empowering it is. Even so, there are sides of myself I haven't revealed too much of because I was afraid someone would think I was some weirdo hippie (which I'm not - not a hippie, anyway - and with no disrespect meant to hippies). But over the last couple of weeks all of that is starting to be okay too, and I'm writing what I feel. Do I think the Universe is talking to me? Yes. Am I listening? Yes. Am I going to write about that? YES.

    And I don't care if people think that makes me something other than what they thought I was.

    Can't wait to hear all of your stories. Hear to read and accept both them and you with love.

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  73. I probably don't need to say that I'm in complete agreement with you and I know exactly what you mean. I've left my bags out for everyone to inspect, too. Some days I worry about it, others I could care less.

    LOVE YOU! xoxoxo

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  74. I just became a follower of your blog! :) Erin

    www.healthybranscoms.com

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  75. I just stumbled upon your blog, and I love it! Thank you for being so open and honest.

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  76. Oh sweetheart. I can't even begin to say how thrilled I am that you have been able to share the real you with us. Becaue the real you is such an amazing, tender, beautiful, kind, supportive, fun, funny, and incredibly genuine person who we all love and adore so very very much. Thank you for having the courage to be who you are and not hold back anymore. I'm sad that you did that for so many years and felt so alone. But I'm honored to be one of the people who know the real you now. I love you dearly, sweet Alexandra. From the bottom of my heart.

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  77. Alexandra,

    I'm one of the people you met at BlogHer today, and I wanted to say that I enjoyed the honesty of your post and to say that I'm sorry about what happened to you as a child.

    Best,

    Gail-Tzipporah

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