Wednesday, June 29, 2011

It Was The Eighties, and He Was Down With The Ladies

I wish I could tell you that throughout my life, I have made only wise, non impulsive, emotionally free decisions.


There have been decisions made where I had no other choice, where life decided for me, or where I did the best I could do at that time.

And there have been the decisions where, having once made them, we can call ourselves graduates in the school of hard knocks. Lessons Learned The Hard Way 101.

Nothing brings these technicolor flashes of memory of some of the things I've done to the forefront of my mind quicker than a blast from the past burst of a song on the radio.

While driving my three children from one place to the next earlier this week, with the car radio on good and loud in celebration of summer, Funky Cold Medina snuck on and slapped me between the ears like a wet fish.

Oh my precious of all things precious, I just began shaking and trying to stifle my laughter at that awesome three-beat-intro, because I did not want my three baby boys in the car to ask, "Mom? What's so funny?"

Because then I'd have to tell them the story of when I decided to try and get the The Most Handsome Man in Milwaukee, to like me.

Which, of course, is what ended up happening; him liking me, and me telling them this story:

One night, while in college, as I was busy waitressing at the beer and sandwich place on campus, I looked up from my tables, to see what the buzzbuzzbuzz was that I heard going on over at the front bar.

There was a group of people -- mostly tittering females -- gathered around someone. I found an excuse to work my way up toward the front, and that's when I saw one of the cutest boys I had ever seen.  Heart-ache cute like this:

Mr. DDG (drop dead gorgeous)

It still hurts to look at this.

Indulge me a bit longer? Thank you. He was dressed in his monkey suit, exacto as the picture above, just getting off of work from wherever they were lucky enough to have this angel from heaven bartend. This pretty boy came complete with the cigarette barely hanging onto his fabulous lower lip. 

*sigh* Anyway, the story: I had just turned 21, so I was legally able to tap a beer, and felt pretty unstoppable in my role behind the bar. Ever seen how guys go crazy over a young co-ed expertly top a beer? It's a sight to behold, and a very powerful feeling, indeed.

This guy was causing dilated pupils all over the place, and I knew I had just a window of time to get his attention. So I drew him a perfect beer. Beautifully capped with one inch of foam, and in an iced glass.

I set the frosty Pilsner glass in front of him, and walked away.

With someone this gifted in the looks department, I knew the less in your face adulation he had, the more intrigued he'd be.

I made sure I stayed too busy the rest of the night to come back again.

My evil genius plan worked, and DropDeadGorgeous waited around for me until closing time.

The end of the night at a bar/sandwich place is move-'em-out mode. Everyone is pushed out the door, the place gets wiped down, you count your money, get your tables set for the morning shift; and then you can sit around with your crew, feet up, nurse a rum and coke or brew and swap stories from the night.

Mr. Handsome stayed, it turned out he was our lead bartender's new roommate. All that coquettish work for nothing, I would've been seeing him over and over again anyway ... which I'd find out soon enough.

As our after-hours party wound down, the lead bartender leaned in close to me, so close that I could smell his Drakkar Noir, and whispered, "my roommate wants to talk to you." Bingo! I had just won the lottery.

Someone this fine, and I mean his face was a pleasure to all the senses, had to be the coolest person to know. I had instant fantasies of all the cool things we'd do on our cool dates together.

Do you know those times in your life, where things change too quickly -- right in front of you -- before your brain has a chance to think about what just happened?

It's important that you try and conjure up that feeling again, so you get what I'm about to tell you.

The night is young (bartime young) and we're all the bold, the young, and the beautiful, happy to be who we are and it's a weekend. It's good to have times like these in your life, so happy and without a thought ... and ... then life plays its sense of humor. Hands you a situation Custom made because you're so special and you'll blog about it 50 years from now.

I'm feeling good, relaxed, content, flattered, celebrate me! And, then, Tone Loc busts out on the jukebox with "Funky Cold Medina." Everyone loves this song, and some of us more than others.

My beautiful handsome roomie man TAKES to the dance floor, on HIS OWN, and busts moves that I have never seen on this planet since. His arms are swirling, and he is doing things that are usually reserved for those with single dollar bills in hand. I don't know where he just came from, but I am seeing gyrations like he is trying out for a Chippendale Rescue Ranger.  All I can think is how much I feel like I am watching a documentary from my Soc Class called, "The Mystery of The Devil," Part I.

Sweet heaven above, more fervent prayers from anyone's lips have never been whispered as those leaving mine at that moment. "Please let him keep his shirt on, please let him keep his shirt on." The horror of dress shirt buttons flying everywhere should this whirling dervish completely engulf himself in himself, were making my chest pound. Where to look, where to look, eye contact was NOT an option.

types of dervish:

The dancing wasn't enough, the hands running through his OWN hair not enough, nonononono.  He had to start singing: in my direction.

At the part where Tone confides:

You know, ain't no plans with a man
This is the 80's, and I'm down with the ladies
Ya know?

Mr. Chippendale whips his torso around, locks eye to eye with me and says RIGHT to me, "I'm DOWN with the ladies."

You know I just couldn't hold it together anymore, right? I spit beer. I spit beer as if I were at a Comedy Club with the best seat in the house.

Now, I enjoy beer spit-up moments as much as the next guy, but not in this case.

Bye, bye, Mr. Most Handsome Man in Milwaukee.

We could have had Paris .... until you decided to go and make doves cry.

Blast from the past, over and out.


  1. How much do I LOVE this story? You know I wish I has a beer in my hand right now, so I could do my own, matching, beer-spit-take (but then I'd have to clean it off the computer screen, eeeew, good thing I'm only drinking seltzer).

    We are of an age, you and I, so your stories, though the specifics differ, feel so much like my stories. Love reading them, reading you. Love!

  2. Varda: how long have I known you? And you still blow me away with your love.

    Thank you.

  3. This brought me back to the days of eyes meeting across a crowded dance floor. I always hoped the end result would turn out differently, but like you some sort of an "a ha" moment would surface and the magic would quickly become a distant memory. I think you should host a "Dates we wish we could forget" meme. I personally, would have much to offer : )

  4. Bust a move, bust a bubble!

  5. Oh my goodness! If only the bar had security camera's at that time, that would be a youtube video ready to go viral! Definitely a beer spewing moment so thanks for sharing!

  6. I bet he thought he was winning you over with his slick moves.

  7. omg i got so uncomfortable just reading this, I can't imagine how embarrassed you must have felt for this dude when you had a front row seat. HAHA

  8. oh my, lol, at least you did not shower him right? smiles.

  9. No one can tell a story quite like you. That poor guy and his slick moves, getting sprayed with your beer remnants.

  10. I'm glad you found out his funky cold medina moves BEFORE anything happened between the two of you.

    Life is fair - handsome = chicken dance moves.

  11. hahaha...they're always SO DAMN CUTE until..

    they dance
    or open their mouth
    or they kiss horribly

    .... cute story LOVED IT

  12. Oh that poor guy! At least he was good entertainment, and made for a lasting memory!

  13. Ahhh! I'm dying over here out of shame for him! He had all the wrong moves. Pity.

  14. ... and we wonder where he is now or if he even has hair?
    Oh the stories that I could tell, but I can't.
    The drama I could spill, but I can't.
    Getting old sure builds up a ton of history and some it needs to stay right back where it belongs ;)

  15. This is awesome! I LOVE it when people share their stories like this! I totally have an image of David Bowie making a complete fool out of himself in my head now. It's awesome. :)

  16. Please tell me that he still dresses up and dances like da man for weddings?

    I was there with you sister, admiring his David Bowie looks ;)

  17. That was fantastic - lovin' the blast from the past. Down with the Ladies, ooohhh yeah!!

  18. Hahahahaha! Oh, that is just such a shame. But for those few fleeting moments pre-Lord of the Dance, everything was perfect.

    This is the sort of crazy-yet-perfect thing that only happens in a movie - you know that, right? I love that you have stories like this one and that you share them with us.

  19. That WAS awesome! Thanks for taking me back to the 80's. Some guys just shouldn't dance.

  20. Imagine what could have been,if you had only been, at a karaoke club....

    DOWN with the ladies indeed...

  21. What a fantastic story! I'm spitting tea right now. Not the same as beer, I know, but a spitting moment nonetheless. Thanks for this, Empress!

  22. Oh yeah, baby!!! I would have fallen in love right then and there!

  23. I'm totally jammin to the music right now!!! :-)

    Oh, boy have I had some doozies like that in my day...yep....I don't drink beer...can't stand the taste, but I woulda been spittin too!

  24. I could picture this dance, and how it would have changed the forces of nature for me too...kind of a deal-breaker.

    And that song will be in my head all day now, it's just that catchy.

    Or Prince and his doves.

  25. yes, brian wonders correctly whether the beer hit him:) absolutely hysterical. having been that guy on the dance floor, minus the divine looks and cigarette, i empathize. i really adore the way you spin a yarn. you foreshadow so well without giving away the goods until the end.

  26. This SO did not go where I thought it was going. Your ending was way better than my envisioned one. How I wish I could have been there! I would have spit beer in his Tone Loc lovin' face, too.

  27. And I bet he gets a faraway look in his eye when he thinks of you, the one that he chased (gyrated, hip-pumped, lip-synched) away.

  28. This is the best tale I've read in a long time, and totally unpredictable! I'll bet you were the first girl to publicly turn him DOWN...hopefully, he changed his tactics afterwards.

    Tone Loc Casanova...ugh.

  29. Life makes for the best stories, doesn't it?

    Whenever I hear that song, I just can't stop laughing.

    Oh, I still see him, trying to entice me.

    And, wait! There's more! Should I make it a part 2, 3, and 4?

    Yeah, because that's how much longer the story went on with Mr Get Home With My Downies...

  30. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I am laughing so hard.

    I know who this is.

    You should tell the whole story.

    Oh my G.


  31. That is one awesome 80's story, I wish it was mine!!!

  32. Pretty sure he thought the dancing was the icing on the sexy-cake.

    Thanks for the giggle!

  33. Ed Pilolla: do you know how much your comments here are like golden coins strewn before me?

    They so are.

    Thank you.

  34. I can SEE this happening and I'm totally laughing with you. Nothing is more of a turn off than think you's the bomb.

  35. Lol, you gave him a Funky Cold Beer Spit. Sometimes a girl just can't hold it down. Once at a bachelolrette party, I sneezed at a stripper dancing in front of me. I had a cold at the time.

  36. Yes, you HAVE TO CONTINUE THIS STORY! It was just too entertaining! Ha!! I love it. I love that song, too. What I also love? DRAKKAR NOIR! When I was 17, I dated a guy that was 22. My mom was not comfortable with that. I thought this guy was model material. He wore Drakkar Noir. I would smell it at the department store anytime I had the chance, just so I could be reminded of him. Ha!

  37. I read this post earlier in my reader on my phone and I haven't stopped laughing since - and Tone Loc has not stopped running through my head. ("Funky Cold Medina" followed by "Wild Thing.") Thanks for that and thank you for this fabulously well told blast from the past.

    (And I wonder whatever happened to Tone Loc...maybe he'll be on next season's "Celebrity Apprentice.")

  38. This is why I love you. You're too damn funny for your own good!

  39. *angry fist shake* to spit takes! Funny in almost any *other* situation! You've brought back some good memories of bar times. More please!!


  41. This.was.awesome. Having lived through the 80's myself, I just could not stop laughing at that oh-so-clear image of this guy. I'm sure I would have spit beer had I been drinking one...

  42. Perfect ending to a great story.

  43. I love your stories, Empress. But none, perhaps, more than this one. I can just picture you, all adorable, waiting tables and serving beer. This guy WAS IN LOVE. With himself or with you, I'm not sure.

  44. Great story! I loved it! I swear I FELT your abhorrence as you watched him do his sexy dance!

    You know, back in the day, there was nothing worse than meeting someone in a darkened bar who, with the enhancement of a little (a lot) of alcohol looked EXACTLY like say, Jared Leto, only to wake up the next morning next to someone who looked more like Jared from Subway. Umm...I mean, so I've heard.

  45. That is hilarious! He had to think he was super sexy. LOL

    Isn't it funny how a song can take you back?

  46. OMG, this made me laugh out loud 3 times! ran his hands through his OWN hair and spitting out beer! oh this is my FAVORITE one after the LIta one DEFINITELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  47. Candace: I ask you, did he or did he NOT look like David Bowie.

    I looking man I've EVER seen.

  48. This was the funniest thing I've seen all day!

  49. Hilarious! I can't believe you didn't fall for that.

  50. Oh, this I loved. And you knew I would which is why I love you all the more. Thank you for sharing and for giving me the laugh I needed. While reading this, I had the same thoughts you did: "mother of all things holy, please let him keep his shirt on!" :p Fantastic, Empress.

  51. Jessica and Amanda: what wonderful compliments. THank you so much! I mean it.

    Kristin and Amber: you know how much I love to hear I made you laugh. A WHOLE BUNCH.

    Dusty and Kelley: do you really want to know the rest of the story? I think I will run it. My niece, Candace, wants to see it, too.

    She knew this guy in real life.

  52. Charlotte: I want you to see all the frogs and toads and rats and skunks that crossed my path before I found Cary Grant.

    xo Glad you made it over.


  53. So THAT"S what Funky Cold Medina is... it's a beer spit take. It all makes sense now...but please tell me he was wearing Hammer pants. I've got one of these guys in my past, but my surprise was that he kissed with a continuous clockwise tongue spin maneuver. I was too young and stupid to teach him any better, but I still crack up at the thought. What a waste, because the man was lovely. No Thin White Duke, mind you, but few are.

  54. If you are that beautiful you just need to keep your mouth closed, anything that comes out of it is going to be disappointing. That being said I must know have you searched for this lost love on Facebook? Has he retained his beautifullness? Or has he succombed to the Funky Cold Medina?
    And so jealous you heard Funky Cold Medina on the radio I am now seriously contemplating ituning it- it is so your fault.

  55. That sounds exactly like my 20's!!!! OMG, so fun and funny and much better 20 years later right??? All the recollections of the 80' perfect!!!! You made me giggle and remember.

  56. This is hysterical! One I will get some re-chuckles from throughout the day : )

    I could see it all. I'm guessing it was for the best as the story reminds me very much of a friend from those days that used to sing 'Don't you want me' to strange girls in public. They usually did.

  57. I am still cringing.

    OH. MY. GOD.

    That was . . . oh god. Wow.

    Thank you. You've made my day.

  58. LMBO! That just made me cut loose with open-mouth cackling and a snort fit. Omg, you HAVE to tell the rest of the story. I'm DOWN with this story.

  59. Funniest EVER! Gawd it reminds me of college too. And THAT song reminds me of a dorm party I had to "settle" for my freshman year because none of the frat houses would let us in on opening weekend.

    Ahhhh, memories! Thanks for the walk down the lane!

  60. That is beyond awesome. I was just having this conversation the other day that sometimes it doesn't matter how good looking a guy is, it all goes to pot when he does something like that. In my case it was overly enthusiastic high fiving. With complex handshakes, jazz fingers and behind the back moves. This would be okay if it was once or twice. But it was every time I saw him which was quite often- we worked together.

    Not nearly as bad as Funky Cold Medina though.

  61. Hilarious hilarious. I read it to the tune of this ole classic. Ah you bring back the 80's memories.

  62. CLASSIC!!!
    What a story...
    One of the best things I've read in quite a while! I'm surprised that this guy had a male friend close enough to be a roommate.

  63. Oh, dear god, that's awesome. I knew that once he started dancing that this story was taking a huge change in direction. Hehehehehe.

    He's down with the ladies.



  64. I seriously need to spend more time in bars.

    Because I need a story like this in my life.

  65. Yep, you were much too cool for this spaz anyway.

    Funniest story I have read all week, my friend.

  66. Mr. DDG is quite the hit here.

    Should I do more?

    Cuz you know there's more.

    What happens to a guy who always gets everything and then he doesn't?

    He wants it.

    And won't take No for an answer.

    Oh, it's even funnier.

  67. Just started reading your blog...FANTASTIC. Those are the memories you want to blog about for sure! Oddly enough, with the beer spitting and Chippendales reference, I'm now thinking about the Chippendales skit with Chris Farley and Patrick Swayze. Equally entertaining I presume. Thanks for making me smile:)

  68. Did you really define the different types of dervish?

    You did.

    You defined TYPES OF DERVISH.

    Laughing so hard I think I hear Doves Cry...

  69. Oh Empress!

    When you said you written a memoir, I didn't realize how fabulous it would be!

    A bona fide get-your-groove-on Chippendale of your very own. What a lucky girl!

    In my shameful past, I have, more than a time or two, just walked away when a dude pulled out his best Denny Terrio moves. I try not to think about those days too much because, yes, you're right, sometimes the pain still makes me cringe.

    Wonderful memoir. I hope to see more of these because I know you've got em.

  70. I'm getting around to reading blogs now that I've moved. Unfortunately, I CAN'T GET THE SOUND ON MY COMPUTER AND HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THE STUPID CORD THAT MAKES SOUND WORK IS.

    Great story though! (even without a sound track)

  71. Who doesn't love a little Funky Cold Medina? But to admit I remember? Would be dating myself...and that sounds just weird! As for DropDeadGeorgeous; he looks a bit like a young David Bowie without the androgeny look.



Related Posts with Thumbnails