Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Smart Choices

The older we get as parents, the more free we are to make decisions about what we want for ourselves. Our children have grown and aren't as needy, and we can kind of start to rebuild ourselves into people again.

We can make decisions about our appearances and our clothing: we are no longer limited to tops that allow access to breasts in seconds for on demand nursing. We are able to choose the foods we want to eat with only ourselves as a concern rather than avoiding the Three Bean Salad because you'll be dealing with little one's colic from your Beano-less breast milk. We can decide how we want to spend our time and will no longer have the automatic response of kids are down! I'm going in for a nap!

We weathered it all, and now, I say congratulations on surviving one of the wildest rides in town: young parenthood. You will be faced with opportunities now that you thought would never show their face again.

I have some suggestions for you; ideas for smart choices while you work your way back to being Healthy, Strong and Attractive...like the days of yore.

Tips for Emerging Out Of Parenting: The Early Days

Limit Your Snacks: Yes, you'll want to eat everything in sight because now you by yourself or you with someone else can grab a few minutes here and there to actually chew and eat something versus choking on the food you jam down your throat while screaming SIT DOWN and getting up 15 times to refill juice glasses. You can sit and eat: this is a dangerous combination. Be aware.

Altering your Appearance: You will trick yourself into thinking that you can turn back time and go back to being that hot mama once more. Mouth jewelry, pierced navels, some new ink: why not. Well, don't. Not without considering first how things have stretched and pulled and lost resiliency. Do you really want a ring hanging from an already looking-like-it's-a-winking-eye bellybutton? Or risk chipping one of your ever softening osteoporotic teeth as your pierced tongue clangs away during Junior's Parent Teacher Conferences? Just think, all I ask.

Smoking and Drinking: the old college days. The old single days. Sitting at a bar, thinking you look so irresistible with a cigarette hanging just by an ash from your beautiful full lower lip as you drink a sexy drink made with enough booze to light your husband's brand new Charbroil grill you gave him for Father's Day. Don't do it...you won't look sexy and wanton, you'll look tired and haggard and someone walking by will drop a card in your lap inviting you to audition on the Jerry Springer Show. 


Losing 25 pounds by next Thursday: May have looked good to do at one time, not so fast not so good this time. You're older...a few pounds round out the edges and fill out the sags. Take it slow, a pound a month. *snort* as if losing a pound a month is even going to happen with your new metabolism...

Thinking you can hit the dance floor like you used to do: Uh uhn. Nuh uh, as a matter of fact. Don't you know that the day you got married is the day your dance moves stayed frozen in time? Forever? Like the way I'm still doing The Cabbage Patch? And my husband does The Running Man, just about beating himself up in the process? Yeah. True. Turn on the radio...see what your body does. I rest my case.

Enjoy your new freedom, my lovely readers, just take it easy. Though we may think it's only been seconds since we left the playing field, we're not what we used to be.



 Photo via Flickr cc 

______________________________________________

**Am I the only one a little bitty bit worried about Jim Halpert? What's going on with that man? Let me know what you think. My post up today, at Sprocket Ink.


Be in the know, be the clever one, read Sprocket Ink.

46 comments:

  1. Amen, I'll second that! AND, we will never be what we once were... ever, ever again!

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  2. Oh I love you Empress, this made me snort. *snort*

    I'll file this away for when I emerge from the trenches of young parenthood. Which seems like it's a million years away.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seems like the day will never come, when you're no longer submerged.

      But you will pop up, and then it's important to remember : thought it doesn't feel like time has passed IT HAS.

      xo

      Delete
  3. Love this - so funny.

    I will also add to leave your self-esteem behind because instead of showering you with love like your small children did your older children will instead consistently remind you how "uncool" and "out of touch" you are. And of course how instead of being their everything you are now ruining their life.

    And they say everything with all the drama of the youth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You always make me feel so good. Thank you, Heather.

      Delete
  4. haha...and after dancing thus, you will now be unable to move for a week....

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  5. Oh my word hysterical! Thanks will keep this in mind for when I get out of this war zone ;)

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    Replies
    1. Right now, you feel as if these days of little dudes will never end. But, one day, they do.

      And it is overnight. POOF. Just like that.

      Delete
  6. The worst part of turning 40 is that your metabolism basically stops. I have to work twice as hard and eat so much less to keep things somewhat stable. It's not fair.

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  7. Hey, speak for yourself! "I've got the moves like Jagger"!
    At least I think I do. Now you got me worried.
    Thanks a lot!
    m.

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  8. Hehehehehe... I won't be 'emerging' anytime soon.

    And I always did my best Dancing at Grateful Dead shows... those moves never get old.

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  9. Between this and Heather's comment above, I may think twice about having my own kids....

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  10. *smile* Love love love the advice! Now I just need to convince myself that my *ahem* angels, are prepared for me to embrace a bit of freedom! I'm still in a state of shock from... wait for it...sitting down and READING A BOOK IN ONE SITTING! That's right! I got to sit down! :) I'm a little dismayed at the thought of having lost my touch on the dance floor, though... In our heads, My 'Ol Man and I always felt we had a special gift where disco is concerned.... *sigh*

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  11. In denial over here. Dancing to the fridge to eat my weight in donuts cuz I can. OK not really, totally lying, I haven't had a donut since 2006. Damn metabolism. You're just a ray of sunshine aren't you? I'm off to find some spanx, and some hair dye, and some Oil of Olay and life will be OK.
    Dana

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  12. I was reminded of this last summer when I volunteered to play in my agency's basketball tournament. I was an awesome basketball player ... 20 years ago.

    Suffice it to say, it was 3 days of basketball tournament hell. I hurt some part of my body each time I played. I crawled home each night a sweaty, broken mess. I work out with a personal trainer, too! But it's not the same as basketball.

    Now I'm convinced, basketball is a young person's sport. Plus now I've seen two guys at work on crutches from broken achilles tendons. Yikes!

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  13. Have you ever been to Forever 21? One step in the door and I was reminded that I need to head over to Anne Taylor. And also no thongs, not worth the pain.

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  14. You've just convinced me to keep the extra 20 lbs. I'm eating Koogle from 1972 thanks to you!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, it's been famously said, "ass or face." You can't have both. xo

      Delete
  15. haha this post is actually true.
    I understand what you mean and I still have 4 kids at home! but life is a whole lot easier for me...fun really, book clubs, prayer groups, lunch dates, the gym everyday....I'll take 50 any day over 20!! And I don't care if I can't drink like I used to!!
    I am your newest follower..pls follow back if you can.

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  16. Thanks for the tip about the bar. You know what a party girl I am :-) Funny stuff, E.

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  17. Love, love! Especially the smoking and drinking too much bit. Okay, and the piercing portion. It is all so, so true.

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  18. Plus, I am not sure any dance move I could conjure would sync up with whatever Katy Perry is singing so loudly and squeakily about.

    I like to eat chocolate when I am home alone because I don't have to share. It's actually the hubs that I have to hide that from, and I think he might be staying.

    What ARE we to do then Alexandra? Just sit around googling things?

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  19. I have a feeling that any dance moves I could muster would be out of sync with whatever Katy Perry is squawking about.

    I like to eat chocolate when i am home alone so I don't have to share, but the husband is a bigger intruder there, and I think he is staying.

    What ARE we to do then Alexandra? Pass the time googling stuff?

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  20. "Do you really want a ring hanging from an already looking-like-it's-a-winking-eye bellybutton?" Ha! Can I tell you that one of the greatest bitches of my life had a "ring of dolphins" around her ever-so-often-naked navel in college.

    She got pregnant with twins. This comforts me.

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    Replies
    1. Comforting, isn't it? Happens to the bitchiest of the lot. NO ONE is safe.

      Delete
  21. I am dying laughing.
    The tattoo part.
    Man do I ever kick myself in the ass for the cleverly spot that I chose to have inked...my stomach by my hipbone.
    Do you know what a butterfly looks like pregnant?
    I'll tell you...
    It looks like the roadrunner was smashed flat by an anvil and then stretched like a rubber band.
    Do you know what it looks like after pregnancy?
    Like I dropped a glob of blueberry pie on my stomach.
    I don't even want to know what it will look like at 80...Lord the nurses will probably think I have the plague or something.

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  22. Amen, sister. Although my dance moves stopped progressing in 1985. I still look like I'm expecting my shoes to stick to the grain-punch-covered frat house floor. Loved the Jerry Springer card line best of all.

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  23. I can't wait for the day when I can stop yelling SIT down and actually eat something myself without having to jam it down my throat in 3 seconds, or in the car on the way to school.

    laughing because I know all this will be true enough before i can turn around...

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  24. Hysterical. I'm a rather new empty nester and lots has changed. No hot mama anymore and things don't move quite like they used to...like the dance moves and the scale. Hate my metabolism and you basically have to starve to drop anyweighht. I love to eat soooo. One thing that has changed for sure is something my friends and I say often because our kids are away at school is "little kids, little problems...big kids, big problems".

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  25. We are of like mind. I wrote something similar about dropping my music snobbery for my 3 daughters. There is nothing wrong with being older, a parent, and well, being more boring. Embrace it. Love your pouse. Laugh at your ridiculousness. Eat another brownie/cookie/m&m.

    Good post

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  26. Also, do NOT dance on tables! The waiters at Denny's do NOT like that and they will ask you to leave...or, er, so I've heard...

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  27. Ohmygoodgolly:
    Our TEETH get osteoperotic, too?
    Crap.

    Do you think Jim Halpert would still like me if I had a chipped incisor?

    I love him.
    So I'm off to read what you have to say at Sprocket...

    And hopefully I won't break a hip on my way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes.They do.

      Don't kill the messenger.

      Also, be sure to rinse after acidic fruits.

      Delete
  28. The husband and I have both been considering starting smoking again. It was so awesome and looks so cool. [It just does. Don't give me that PSA crap. SMOKING LOOKS COOL.]

    I guess we won't. Thanks for the advice.

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    Replies
    1. Wrote that with specifically you in mind, my Suni.

      xo BIG LOVE xo

      Delete
  29. Oh, I REALLY love how you encourage us to keep a few pounds on to round out the sags. Ha! I don't feel bad for having that extra donut hole this morning! You are awesome, you know that?

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  30. "Well, don't" Hee hee, Let me add my AMEN to the congregation!
    Hilarious truth ; )

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  31. Ah I love this post! The smoking part is so funny and oh so me ;)

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  32. I don't get it. What's wrong with the. Cabbage patch and the running man? What!? Not cool anymore!? I wish someone had told me :)

    Do you have some choice words about my Jim Gallery?? I love him! Off to read now.

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  33. What super exciting things I have to look forward to. Maybe I'll just keep having more babies to delay this :-)

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  34. this is all, sadly, such good advice. my husband and i are always racing through dinner even we're alone in a grown-up restaurant. dang kids!

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  35. I so enjoyed this. Jerry Springer. The Running Man. ha ha ha

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  36. Haha - this is exactly the phase I have recently entered, now with a child in school for many hours a day. You are right about the body. I've kept my bikinis from my honeymoon but now I wear them under swimming shorts that come down to my knees. And the eating! My son recently reprimanded me for buying a family pack of Doritos only for my own consumption. ("Mommy - this says FAMILY SIZE - not PERSONAL SIZE.")

    Accepting that we are no longer the babes we once were...I thought I only needed to deal with that after birth but you are right - it's a life time transition and mental adjustment! ;-)

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  37. This is awesome! Just the idea that I'll survive young parenthood is exciting... :)

    Thanks for linking up to finding the funny! I'm pinning this on our Finding the Funny Pinterest board.

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  38. Uggg. Totally with you. Especially on the dance moves thing. I never actually had any real "moves", kinda like a classic white button down - they are timeless. But my husband is doing the same move he perfected in the Vanilla Ice days. I'm sick of it. Good thing we never get invited anywhere anymore.

    ReplyDelete

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