Saturday, September 8, 2012

If We Could Rewrite The Vows

My husband and I are not the buck tradition! type. He - because he likes things tried and true and without rebellion, and me - because, duh, have you met me? I mean, can you just imagine what my world would be like if I even tried to not do things the way you're supposed to? Just following rules gets me in trouble every day. If I tried to go against the grain, on purpose?? Sheesh.

But I'm getting off track.

Our wedding vows were straight out classic, "... in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, for death or for life, for here and for there, love ever after amen." Something like that. But ... but ... if I were given the chance to rewrite our vows, I'd have to sit and stare looooong and hard at the "in sickness and in health." I'd doctor it up a bit, make it " ... in sickness and in snores ..." because the man is killing me.

I haven't had a night of uninterrupted sleep since we bought a mattress together eighteen years ago. He snores. Loudly and to the point where our children used to come crying into our room, "Mommy! There's a gorilla in the house!"

Ima looking for your good solid relationship advice today, people.

What to do, about the snores? Brought to you by Aiming Low, my weekly column, which turned out to be a reverse advice column where the writer asks for help ( and see what just happened there? Even when I try to play by the rules it still comes out inside out and backwards.)
I love you guys.



  1. Get that man to the doctor pronto. Snoring can be a sign of sleep apnea. Which greatly increases the risk of dying from stroke, heart disease etc (seriously!). Though I'm thinking that, with the state you're in, a pillow on his face might kill him first.

  2. hmmm...does he snore even on his side? I am always sort of relieved when I turn to see the snoring hubs on his back, as then I know there is some hope. I know my father snores MUCH worse when he is more exhausted...earlier bedtime?

  3. Oh man, if you find out can you tell me? Because my hubby sounds like an angry pig on steroids every night. The only thing I've come up with is the pillow over the face method and that's out.

  4. We have tried a few things that are contemplating a few more, but the guaranteed absolutely positive way to make sure his snoring doesn't wake you up? Small children who do not sleep well. My husband"s buzzsaw used to wake me several times every night and I was furious. Now that my kids wake me over and over and over and have ever since they were newborns, I don't notice the snoring at all.

    I'm not saying that you should go back to being a zombie exhausted all the time, but are you noticing it more now that you're getting more rest?

    Try pinching his nose when he snores. Try breatheright strips. Try no alcohol before bed. Try kicking him. And get on that newborn twins idea..

  5. Breathe-right strips? An elbow to the ribs? My husband snores when his allergies flare up. Drives me crazy. I know he can't help it. But that doesn't mean I can't still be irritated. ;)

  6. I have no advice for you, because my name is Tracie, and I've been living with a ridiculously loud snorer for ten years now.

    Making him turn over to his side (usually with an exasperated, "roll over" growl and a not-so-gentle push) helps about 50% of the time.

  7. I second Nelly. About 10 years into our marriage, I got really sick and slept in the second bedroom so he wouldn't catch it. 16 years later and I am still there! Sleep is a beautiful thing! Don' know if we would still be married otherwise. I'm also a big believer in separate bathrooms. Sweet dreams.

  8. Ear plugs and a sleeping pill Darling. You won't hear a thing. Not even when the kids are warning you about the gorilla!

  9. boom! i was there and left great words of wisdom.

  10. Oh man. Can't help you there. I tried everything. I still remember that low point where I spent the night curled up on the floor of the bedroom closet because it was the furthest point in the room from the offending snorer. It didn't work.

  11. I'm looking for a solution as well...It's been 12 long years. Not sure I'll make it to 18 like you did!



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