Sunday, January 13, 2013

And Again, You've Held Me Up

It makes no sense how everything in the world didn't stop this week. Bills still have to be paid, jobs still need to be completed, and appointments still must be kept.

There are 43 messages in my voice mail and over 500 emails in my inbox.

Life goes on, even when a beloved one's has stopped.

We have to keep going. Steel ourselves up and keep going. Even when we've become that crazy lady who looks up at everyone who crosses their path, and says to total strangers in the store check-out lane, "my nephew died, you know? And I can't believe it."

People have been kind; these poor strangers who have no idea who I am. One woman touched my arm, and could barely whisper, "I'm so sorry." A man told me he lost his sister, and that he'd pray for our family. I turned my dentist into my psychotherapist today--because that's what we do when devastation hits. (he took off his mask, held my hand, listened, wiped his eyes, and now I will follow him anywhere, even if he falls out of my dental care network)

We seek out, looking for others, to help us. There are so many of us doing the daily must-dos, carrying our stories of suspended disbelief inside, wondering, asking the unanswerable, how do we keep going?

A big part of that answer for me has been in all of you, who have become my community. I have my faith, my belief, I have my family. But I also have your cards, your emails, phone messages, tweets, texts, facebook messages, comments here on my blog, and every single one of these, a gift to me in the long hours of a sleepless night.

You may not realize the strength that comes from knowing that so many care and are heartbroken along with me, but it does. To feel you all sharing in this pain with me, that runs as an undercurrent through every single thought of mine. My family has suffered a great loss, an untimely death of a brilliant star that lit up our lives. I know just how much more overwhelming this time for us would feel, if I didn't have your kind words here to make me smile.

I smile, through tears, but I smile. With genuine gratitude and appreciation for how you have kept me from feeling alone in this tremendous blow.

Once again, you all save my life, daily, as we have to go back to what the world calls "normal," something our lives will never be again.

Thank you.


       Mend a quarrel. Search out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and
      replace it with trust. Write a love letter. Share some treasure. Give a soft
      answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in a word or deed.
      Keep a promise. Find the time. Forego a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Listen.
      Apologize if you were wrong. Try to understand. Flout envy. Examine your
      demands on others. Think first of someone else. Appreciate, be kind, be
      gentle. Laugh a little more.

      Deserve confidence. Take up arms against malice. Decry complacency.
      Express your gratitude. Worship your God. Gladden the heart of a child.
      Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth.
      Speak your love. Speak it again. Speak it still again. Speak it still once again.
                                                                                      --- Author Unknown


  1. It is great to see you back. Keep strong, but keep letting us carry you when you need a little extra support. xoxo

  2. Sometimes just the simple act of normalcy, even forced, helps us to survive the grief, as long as you don't try to completely ignore the grief.

    Thinking about you.

  3. Crying for you and your family. You've been in my thoughts every day, every day. I know you and your family are in the terrible time between A Death and A Funeral. Like a twilight. I can only imagine how horrendous, tumultuous it all is. Sometimes filled with snippets, seconds of raw peace.

    Knowing you won't get through this will help you get through this. This is insurmountable, bullshit, terrible, a tragedy. What? How? WHY.

    You, Alex ... you have been such a lighthouse, a beacon for other people. Now it's time you got all the love and support and kindest words the world can muster up for you. You and your sister ... to be carried when you cannot walk.

    Love, hon. Just so much love.


  4. Of course we would be here for you. It's almost unthinkable to not be. It's like breathing - just natural. Grieving with you. Because somehow, I like to think, that in doing that, we take some of that pain away, by carrying a little of it for you.

    Lots of love. xo

  5. I'm so sorry. I didn't know this had happened. Please know that you are in my heart tonight.

  6. been keeping you and your family in our thoughts and prayers this week...

  7. Sending more prayers and hugs your way!

  8. Sending endless amounts of love to you, still.

    And I know too well what you mean. There are still days when I want to say to strangers "My dad died - it's not fair". That's it. Nothing more.

    Your family is in my heart, and in the hearts of so many. I hope if you need anything, you know where to go.

  9. I couldn't agree with you more. I think there are many of us, walking around and trying to accomplish the tasks of our days, while holding disbelief in our hearts and minds. I'm glad that you are telling others-- even strangers. I think it's good for your processing, and perhaps it is good for others as well. It may very well be good for all of us.

  10. When Princess Diana died, a friend of mine, who was a devoted fan of hers, said to me, "I don't understand how life is just GOING ON. Do people not know she died?"

    I'm sure the families in Newtown felt the same way. How can others just GO ON when tragedy comes calling?

    But go on we must.

  11. It still amazes me when the world continues. It is silly to think, weird to admit, but it's the truth. But we won't forget and we will be here.

  12. I don't want it to be true, either.

    We'll make it. We will.

    I love you.


  13. A, I have been thinking of you so much this past week. Your nephew seems like a wonderful man who was gone far too soon. Keeping you, your sister, and your entire family in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you all so much love.

  14. Oh Alexandra, I meant to write you an e-mail this weekend to let you know I'm thinking of you and your sister and your whole family. Forgive me for not doing that, please, because I am praying for you and thinking of you. And I think this post is beautiful...and God BLESS that dentist!

    Love, Hillary

  15. Love u. Always... And holding you in my heart xo

  16. Always love for you, no matter the struggle, especially now. I've been thinking of you quite a bit from a distance. Love & light, my friend.

  17. Oh, honey. I love you so much.

  18. i love this poem.

  19. I understand this, the need to tell everyone of your loss. It was the same for me when my mom passed away unexpectedly. I think it's something to do with the unexpectedness of it; we need to keep telling people so that we will believe it ourselves. I didn't feel the need when my dad passed at 79 of cancer.

    Sometimes what we need in times of loss is to keep busy with the practicalities of it. Do something, keep busy. The daily must-dos can really help.

    Thinking of you and your family. xx

  20. It's just so hard, and I'm sorry.

    WHen my brother died, I was astounded at how important it was to me that people would stop me to offer support. It's when you learn that grief knows no strangers.

  21. My darling Empress, we have never met but my heart goes out to you and your family. Unexpected passing of one so young is the most difficult. I am sending love and warm wishes to you all.

  22. Being here for you and leaving comments on your posts is the least we can do for you. I am happy for you because this online community helps you smile through tears. Sometimes it's really nice to know how many people are out there for you ready to say their words of encouragement even without knowing you.

  23. Sending more and more love and hugs, Alexandra. There's so little I can do to help, but I'm thinking about you all and sending the very best wishes. Peace to you and your family...



  24. I appreciate every one of your comments, and outpouring of love. Our lives are different, there is no picking up where we left off. There is our new existence without him, and you all have helped us, so very much, with your care and concern. It means so much. Thank you

  25. I am holding you and your family so close in my thoughts right now. This community holds each other up so often... and you are a huge part of that. It's true that life does go on... even when it's been changed.
    I am so sorry.

  26. I've been meaning to write you, A. So, so very sorry for your loss. And yes, we are ALL here for you.

    Much love,

  27. Awwww, Alexandra. I've kept your blog open all day because I wanted to read what's been happening in your life. I feel so awful I've dropped off the face of the bloggy world, and when I come back to read that a loved one is hurting, I hurt, too. I am sending you and your family so many thoughts and prayers. I can't imagine what you are all going through--especially to lose a life so soon.

    Thinking of you all and am so incredibly sorry to read this news. XOXO

  28. thinking of you. It is unthinkable.. xo

  29. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you, Alexandra, even if I have been slow to comment here on your space. More again soon.




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