Thursday, January 10, 2013

Shine Bright Like a Diamond



I was going through old family photos, trying to find some of my nephew to give to my sister. Through eyes blurry with tears, I saw picture after picture of him, but only in one setting--a party in our house.

It's all I had of him, there were no pensive poses, no deep-in-thought profiles--every photo was balloons! party hats! table streamers! The funny thing is, I don't remember having all of these parties growing up. My family was not a celebrating bunch. My childhood home would best be described as quiet, heavy, tense.

And yet, I had over 30 pictures showing him with arms raised, all with huge beaming smiles, and he is at the center of it all. I mean, how many childhood birthday parties can you have when you only celebrate once a year, right?

Then it hit me like a bolt. There wasn't picture after picture of smiles and joyous grins because we were always in the midst of a celebration. The one common denominator of every party picture is that he is in it. HE was the party. HE would turn any occasion into a slice of life. You see him, in the moment, the joy, the arms in the air, over receiving a swirly red and white marbled playground ball.

My nephew would spend weekends with us when he was so very very small. I was 12 and the main baby sitter who would take care of getting lunch ready for him. One day, as he stood on his tip toes and watched me slice up an apple, he looked up at me with widened eyes; waving his arms up over his head, he began shouting breathlessly, "are we having an apple party?! It's an apple party, isn't it?!" This, over getting apple wedges rather than a whole apple handed to him. He worked his magic on bananas, oranges, pears--turning any fruit--into a fruit party.

Nothing was ever ordinary with him. I would come home with tangerines, the ones called "cuties" that come in those miniature wooden crates, that he'd later use to build a Hot Wheels parking structure, and he'd clap and shout, "you brought the baby oranges that come in the Hot Wheel house!"

This is who he was to me, who he was to my entire family. Mention his name to anyone now, and before a word is spoken about him, a smile first appears. Laughter, joy, pura vida, with him in the middle of it all.

So, no, growing up, we didn't have parties a lot--what we had was him a lot.

For a family that lived in a reserved, guarded, non demonstrative manner, there are no words for how larger than life he made us all feel. Like we were somebody, and look at us--we're happy!

We thank you, Tommy, for bringing noise, raucousness, mega-watt smiles into a house where the air felt as if it were weighed down with bricks.

You were lightness and presence and yes, when we were around you, there was a reason to blow up the balloons, put on the party hats, and crank the noise makers.

You were with us, you were there, and you made everything a celebration.

Thank you, for the way you made our world shine so bright, for the time you were here.

We will miss you in a way I will try to explain for the rest of my life.

I love you so very much.



***

*We lost my beloved nephew, Tomas, suddenly early Sunday morning. We're still reeling from this news, and I can't imagine how we're going to go back to our lives, as we must. But we have to return to work, jobs, responsibilities, commitments. I thank you all here, for the love you've sent me since Monday. On twitter, on Facebook, the amazing comments offering to listen, from all of you--I appreciate them more than I can tell you.

Thank you all so much. It is community that carries us through, it is the wonderful people who will listen to my stories about him, that make the one day at a time in our lives right now, possible.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

62 comments:

  1. That sweet, angelic face. I am so sorry.

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  2. That is a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it.

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  3. A, I am so, so sorry for your loss. His smile lights up the room. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

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  4. I am so sorry for the loss of such a beautiful soul on Earth. My heart and prayers are with you and yours. With that thought in mind perhaps this was his way of teaching you how every breath is a celebration.. every breath.

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  5. This made me cry... He sounds like a joy to have around and I cannot imagine how much you will all miss him. I am so sorry...

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  6. What a lovely tribute to your nephew. Thank you for sharing.

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  7. Still sending thoughts and prayers. It sounds like he was such a gift.

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  8. Oh his face just made me so happy. The absolute joy is so evident. I'm sorry he is gone, that you and your family are hurting. I am glad you have these photos to go back to.

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  9. And with each and every memory, may he continue to spread joy into your lives. It's bittersweet, no doubt, but some lights can't be dimmed.

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  10. Alexandra, I love you and I'm sending that love and prayers your way. May you find light somewhere in the blackness of your heartbreak.

    What a beautiful tribute. God Bless all of you.

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  11. Why do we seem to lose the brightest, most vibrant souls too soon?
    I'm so sorry for your family and for what you are enduring.

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  12. What a fun guy to have around! So sorry for your loss. Hugs.

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  13. What a gift these memories and photographs are to you. Thank you for writing about him and sharing him with us. I love you so much and am thinking of you and your family. Holding light for you.

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  14. What beautiful memories.

    I'm so sorry.

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  15. I'm so glad your memories are bright ones of him. Take care of yourself. You are in our thoughts.

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  16. Lots of thoughts and prayers headed your way. This is beautiful tribute -- his smile is definitely contagious. I am so sorry.

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  17. This is the sweetest, most wonderful post of him. SOunds like a fantastic kid - and I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope someone else in the family will step in and do him proud!

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  18. So very, very sorry. But what a lovely way to remember him.

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  19. Oh my friend. So many prayers and love coming your way. xoxo

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  20. Thinking of you. What a beautiful boy.

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  21. My wish for you and your family is that these happy memories are the most lasting.

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  22. I can't imagine the hole that must be there now. I've been thinking of you. I hope you can hold tight to that light.

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  23. Oh my.

    These smiles and tears. The sadness and joy. The celebrations and inevitable loss.

    What a steep price we pay for the blessings of love.

    So I'm wishing peace soon to everyone who was part of his life's party. These words for your nephew are simply perfect.



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  24. These words are beautiful. i'm thinking of you all the time, every day. Holding your hand and heart. Love and love ... it's all we have. Love never dies. XXXXXX

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  25. Much love. Much, much love to you and yours.

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  26. What a beautiful reminder to us all to enjoy this life while we have it. Your nephew sounds as though he were wonderful.

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  27. What an amazing smile, what a beacon! You described him so beautifully, and so wholly. I wish there were anything we could say or do, so we'll all just have to say and do the best we can. We love you, Alexandra. You and your sister and her family and your whole family and everyone who has lost something so dear so recently. xoxo

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  28. smiles..i am glad you have those beautiful memories to remember him by...ugh...i am sorry as well...cherish those memories...

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  29. I love the words you use to describe your nephew and his love for celebrations. It sounds like he was a pretty special person.

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  30. He sounds like a spark plug! He sounds like you. I'm so incredibly sorry, friend. I don't have adequate words. I love you & am sending you a MASSIVE internet hug right now. Can you feel it?

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  31. Very nice memories and photo is super. Glad you had a spark down memory lane! Hope you are having a wonderful New Year!

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  32. Oh Alexandra. I am so, so sorry for your great loss. For your family's loss. xo

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  33. Beautifully touching memories and tribute. Keeping you in my thoughts.

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  34. Heart breaking for you over and over again. Hugs and prayers. And more hugs.

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  35. I am so sorry, Alexandra. Your nephew - it means he was too young to go. I am so terribly sorry, Alexandra, for what you and your family must be going through. I'm thinking of you and holding you from afar. xo

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  36. I can't comment because I'm drowing in tears!!

    ad.

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  37. I'm so very sorry for you loss. He truly had a beautiful smile and sounds like he was pure joy to be around. Sending you and your family much love and many hugs.

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  38. Thinking about you and your sis. What a bright presence you got to have in your life for those years.

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  39. Those souls are the redemption of us all. This was lovely...

    xo *sniff*

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  40. This so beautiful and heart wrenching...Thank you sharing this with us.

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  41. This is an amazing tribute, such a beautiful soul so tragically lost. My heart is with you dear one, and with all of his surviving family, and with all who struggle so. Peace, peace, I wish peace and love for all. xoxo

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  42. He sounds like he is such a beautiful soul that meant so much to all of you because he was in it. I really have no words that are strong enough to comfort you during this time. Know that I love you and will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts xoxo

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  43. I wish I could say something to ease this pain. Anything. I wish you and your family strength, comfort and peace.

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  44. I love that you are willing to give us a piece of him and a piece of your heart. I hate (so much) that he is gone and you are hurting. Love to you.

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  45. Too much of the sad, too much of the senseless ... so very sorry for that deep chasm in your lives. May the bright memories you have fill your hearts with light.
    Much love xxxx

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  46. Thank you, everyone. Thank you.

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  47. What a beautiful post, Alexandra. I'm so very sorry for your loss and I hope you and your family are doing all right. Sending many hugs your way...

    XOXO

    Anna

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  48. I'm so sorry for your loss. What an amazing young man. Sending hugs your way, ma.

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  49. I am so sorry. I love you. I understand. My father was 50 when he died. No one saw it coming and he died on my mom's 49th birthday and 4 weeks before I turned 30. that was 5 years ago and the holidays still suck. I forget my birthday is coming, which means Christmas is for show and ponies and my child. I get it. Your nephew and your words were and are amazing. His spirit is with you, loving you always.

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  50. This is so filled with love and even joy, despite such a tragedy.

    Love to you, Alexandra, and to your family.

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  51. I was so glad to see two posts from you because I've been thinking of your family all the time.

    Your nephew just sounds incredible.

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  52. Oh beautiful friend, my heart aches for you and your family. Please know that a momma, an aunt, a sister, a friend, is here in VA sending you prayers and love. I have been so well loved and supported by you and I want to be here for you, too, as your grieve your own loss and as you stand by your dear sister. I love you so much!

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  53. Sending you love and strength. Sending you peace, quiet moments to remember, and the power to keep going.

    You and your family are in my heart.

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  54. Thank you so much, to everyone here. You have helped to lift me and keep me going, through one of the hardest moments in my life.

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  55. Oh Alexandra. How did I miss this? I am so sorry for your loss. May his radiant smile keep your heart warm. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. xoxo

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