Saturday, May 9, 2015

She Flew



I dreamed that I was standing up on pedals as I tried to bicycle up a long, steep hill. My mother was with me, sitting behind, as we shared the same seat. She clutched my waist and I worked our way up through a hill buried in drifts of snow. The steepness together with the snow put my efforts at a maximum. I knew that if I stopped, we would lose our momentum and tumble to the rocky path below.

I had to get us to the top, I could see that we had but one-fourth of the climb left. My one concern was that if we fell, I would lose my mother to the mounds of snow around us.

My legs were spent and I began to cry because we had lost. We weren't going to make it, I had pushed my legs as far as they could go. I couldn't get my mother to the top and I cursed myself for not being stronger. Looking up to see how much more of a climb was left, I set my jaw and resolved to finish. I steadied the bike. I turned around to look down and saw that if we fell, we would be separated by the tumble.

I broke down, my shoulders shaking with heaving sobs. “I'm sorry. I can't get us any higher. I am so sorry,” I cried to my mother. 

She sounded surprised, and answered me quietly in Spanish, "My poor daughter, why do you worry? God will take care of us."

I bore down and began the ascent. My hands gripped the handlebars, and the bike's frame began to veer right, left, right. I tried to push on the pedals harder but I couldn't keep the bicycle from slowing. As it wobbled over on its side, I tried to right it. Crying out, I grabbed frantically for my mother and shouted to her that we were falling. 

“Mama! Hang on to me! Don't let go!” I cried out in Spanish, and then in English. I needed for her to understand that she needed to brace herself for what was about to come.
 
I warned her the fall would be fast, and hard. The bicycle flipped onto its side and we were knocked off of our seat. I saw her begin to slide away from me across the snow and desperately, I grabbed for her.
 
My right hand searched blindly under the clumped snow but just as my fingertips came close enough to graze her skin, she flew.
* * *

So much love to all who are having a difficult day today as we remember those no longer with us. Peace and comfort to you. This is my second Mother's Day without my mother. I'm not any better at this loss than I was last year at this time.
xo

18 comments:

  1. Your closing sentence kicks my a$$, it's so good. SO good.

    I wonder if I'll dream of my mom, when she's gone. Hmmm.

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    1. Thank you, Jocelyn. I wish you could see this dream like a movie. It was so good.

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  2. I dream about my grandmother every year on her birthday & holidays and every year, I wake up surprised by the gift. This will be my fourth Mother's Day without my mom, and I'm wondering if this will be the year I get to dream about her.

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  3. So beautiful, Alexandra. Love to you!

    Steph

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    1. Thank you so much, Stephanie. Love to you.

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  4. Much love and comfort to you, Alexandra. XO

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  5. I thought about you a lot yesterday; I imagine it doesn't get any easier despite what "they" might say about time and wounds and whatnot. I hope it was a nice gift to have your momma appear to you in a dream, even if only for a fleeting moment. Sending so much love and peace and comfort your way, my sweet Alexandra. XOXO

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  6. Such a great blessing to dream of those we lost...it's like we have them back even for alittle bit. I keep waiting to dream of my mom whom I lost in 2011. I miss her smile and laugh. Missing her. I loved the ending of the dream and her telling you not to worry...God is going to take care. Dreams are a gift. Prayers to you

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    1. Thank you so much, Donna, what a wonderful message.

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  7. It never gets any easier but it does become a little less painful as each year passes. My mother passed away in April 1989 and her spirit visits me often, especially when I'm doing things we used to do together like baking or when I just need to chat. My sister experiences the same thing. Your love and memories of your mother will keep her spirit close. I send my deepest condolences to you for your great loss.

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    1. Thank you. I'd love to hear more of how you feel your mother close to you. It reassures me. Thank you.

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