Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I'm Ready

OK, for those of you who were here for yesterday's post, I must apologize. I don't know what I was thinking. Wait, yes, I do, I think yesterday's post can be filed away under "denial."

Who am I trying to kid (that answer would be? me, of course). Oh. Oh. and Oh. Does it bug me to have a big butt. It was funny yesterday, not so much today. I have nothing to wear. And I can't find anything to buy to wear. Obviously, there are no cute jeans for me out there...oh, there will be, but not for another 18 months, because face it...what designer wants me advertising their wares across these buns? "Hey! dying to look like this? Buy our pants!!" Don't think so. They save the cute stuff for the waifs out there (jealous much?). Please don't misunderstand me, I don't want to be that size. I was once among the ones in the straight cigarette leg jeans. Once. Don't need to go there again.

It's just that it really bugs me that it looks like I shoved a pillow down the back of my pants. Remember the BigButt family on SNL? With Dan Akroyd as the dad, and Lorraine Neumann as the mom? That's what the view is like from back there, except I'm not trying to be funny, or get laughs. It just looks like I am. And I don't want sentences about me to begin with, "she's not bad, if you like a little junk in your trunk..."

So, my lucky stars were all lined up in a row today, because when our local paper came, I picked it up and and out falls a sales insert, and OMG! but answer to prayers if Tarjay didn't have THE 30 Day Shred DVD on sale for 9 bucks! Do you know how quickly I could eat my way through 9 bucks worth of Nachos? Instead, I'll just take that Nacho kitty and spend it on Jillian.

But, it's serious. A very serious commitment. And I won't say girlfriend doesn't try to warn you. She cautions, nice and BIG and right on the cover: "Get ready for the BEST body you've EVER had!" Well, I'm ready, Jillian....bring it. This is exciting....she promises I will lose UP to 20 lbs in 30 days! Probably all up in my boobs, with the way things go for me.

All I need is hand weights, a mat, and 20 minutes and I will achieve a lean, shredded boy...ooops, I mean body.

Of course I jumped into the van and hightailed it (fattailed it?) to Tarjay. Threw the DVD in the cart, and tonight, it'll be me and my new BFF Jillian. I will let you know how it goes.


  1. You Go Girl...Im not as enthusiastic as you..but I am here rooting for ya..I do my stationary bike ..for now..and the summer is coming so Ill be off to the beach ..with the laptop of course...But hey ..ill be walking..Good Luck tonight and have fun..!

  2. Let us know how the shred goes, Empress!

  3. I'll trade you my big stomach for your butt. I think big butts are sexy and cute. Let me know if you are up for the trade. Me

  4. Oh gosh. oh gosh. oh gosh. I have to go with all my skinny in-laws to the beach for 2 weeks. EVERY July. It is so much stress. Anyway, I'm doing T-Tapp and situps cuz I'm not as serious as you girl.

    But I liked your funny post. WHERE do you find those funny images? And how can you talk street talk if you really live in the middle of USA?



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