Friday, March 19, 2010

Yield to It

"Rowrrrr! Rowwrr!"

OK, there's one more growl coming yet, I've learned that.... and, there's his third growl. Three, three, always..cuz that's how he rolls.

The tinny rasp of a dinosaur's mechanical voice box wakes me up for the second time this night. I have to smile, because there is only one way that Steggy got here, right in the path of my bulldozer butt (for more on this sad subject, see March 16) in bed.... and that is via Baby Emperor.

Which means only one wondrous thing to look forward to in the morning: Baby Emperor's fuzzy curls in my face when I wake up for the day. Baby E has found his way in between my husband and me in the big bed, sometime during the night.

I don't fight the nightime intrusions on my time anymore.

Not with this third baby.

I've learned, with this last one, that it is all gone too quickly. And I learned it the sad way, through my error. The older two are now 14, and 13...the days of their fuzzy curls in my face are over. The only way I capture that now is when I sneak and grab and hold them in my arms on their way out the door, more force is required with the one who has become taller than me. These two were once the size of Baby Emperor.

I first decided to post this last week, and began work on it then. Over the weekend, I've come across so many other bloggermoms , like Motherhood in NYC, who write of time flying and fleeting and their children growing up.

A few years back, I was in the throes of the most unconquerable sadness over how the days with my little ones were flying, that I knew I had to look outside of myself for help. I did find someone professional (ack..I just hate the way that sounds, but, so be it...) to talk with, and the gems she left me with have changed my days.

I was missing the now of it all, because of the "pre-mourning" of it all. Something felt so wrong, and we figured it out together. Now, it almost makes me laugh, my sadness over it all--almost, because it was pretty sad back then, believe me. I just didn't know how to figure out what all the sadness was about. What scared me into action, into finding someone to help me, is my memory of growing up in a household with no laughter...anyone know what a house sounds like with a mom who doesn't laugh?? Pretty scarey, huh. Exactly. Makes you shiver...none of that for my kids, thank you. So, back to how mama got her groove back.

I would sit across from my "expensive friend," as I called my therapist. I'd lament the passing of the days, complete with back of the hand on the forehead, looking off mid-distance. The whole deal. Stuff they give out Academy Awards over. I'd sigh to her,

Me: "but..but...the days of toy trains are gone.."

$he: "but they're still home with you now."

Me: "'s all over, my days of fullness are all over."

$he: "but they're still home with you now."

Over time (ha! try 2 years...) I got the picture.


What she was "saying" (finger quotes in air) since she couldn't tell me directly since insights arrived at on one's own are much more meaningful  (I'm good, aren't I?),  was that my sadness was over not living in the moment. Being with them in all the glory of their being there. At that age, at that stage, with them.

Revel in it all, it's still in your hand. Put down the dirty dish, and play trains when they ask you to play trains with them. Let that last load of the almost done laundry sit, if they ask you to shoot buckets outside. If they suddenly want to see a movie with just you, get a sitter for the little one, and go with them. Suck every minute dry, so you have no regrets, so you don't look back and say "Ugh. I could've done it so very much better than I did."

My expensive friend left me with a quote when I "graduated" (expensive translation: "gained a life skill"), and I refer to it daily: " Who forces time is pushed back by time, he who yields to it finds it on his side."

Yield, give it the right of way, let it go first, and go with it.

Stepping down off soapbox now. Thank you for coming. No need to thank me for saving you all beacoup bucks in not having to find your own Special Expensive Friend.


  1. Thats really beautiful and profound..too bad so many dont head that warning...enjoy the now..thats all there really is...did you read the "Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle..its my favorite book...maybe you and I are practicing being in the now and that s why we can laugh..I laugh all the least a couple hours a day..bWaHahahah...Lolol..LLMAO..!!

  2. Beautiful Robin: I know...I've become a laughing idiot. "Fat, dumb and happy.." that's me. Love ya, girflriend.

  3. That was lovely, Empress. (And particularly loved the expression "expensive friend"--gotta use that one). My heart gripped a bit at this post, because I had a crabby day with my kids. They've been home sick for three days and are. driving. me. crazy. Having said that, now I want to go in and kiss their little heads. All because of you. Nice to have that kind of power, huh? :-)

  4. DEM!! (pumping my fist in the air now..) YOU ROCK MY WORLD!!


  5. OH yes! The power of now. It is so true. This is a beautiful and very insightful post and so so important. Thank you for these wonderful nuggets of wisdom, Empress.

  6. Dear OMwCW: Somehow, I knew this would be right up your alley. :) xoxoxo

  7. I like this, but I feel guilty cuz I want to rush time. Thank you for the reminder of enjoying our children where they are right now since they won't be where they are right now ever again.

  8. Dear lovely anon: we all have those days. We have to be deliberate about reminding ourselves that life is now. xoxoxoxo

  9. much of this is the reason why i now only post 3-4 times a week. i read something similar on motherhood in nyc (i see you have her on your sidebar) yesterday and it made me tear up--how much i let get in the way of spending time with my little ones while they still want to spend time with me...

  10. Dear Tiffany: I know, makes you stop and think. I was caught off guard by Motherhood in NYC. And I read some other posts on this subject, too. One mom quit, and one mom had like 3 different blogs going, and now she only does blogging after all are in bed. She said she decided she'd rather go without sleep, then lose daytime minutes.

    It is scarey..I wonder what other chagnes people will come to...

    Thanks for the visit!xoxoxo

  11. Hey Empress, I done gived you an award. Check it out.

  12. Oh shucks. Do I want to live in the moment even when one hand is covered in poo?

    Yes, I suppose so - I too get sad by the fleeting days. I loved this post. Great (expensive) insight and great writing. :o)

  13. Dear Dusty Eath Mother: you'll be my first bloglove, and you'll be my last bloglove. I'll be true to you.. THANK YOU! for my first blog award ev-er! xoxoxoxoxo Pls email me and tell me how to pick it up, and "refer it back to the original source."(blogger etiquette guidelines, per

    It's all a sham, I've been smoked out...I don't know what I"m doing! The truth: my 14 yr old set me up on and now I can't get out!! :)

    Love you, sweet thang.

  14. Oh, Miss Welcome! Welcome! Yes, you gotta take the poo with the good, too.

    The poo, I could do a whole page on that. I've had some momentous ones...mostly on vacation, up the back, in 94 degree weather, while at Wally World. We had to spend 10k to have poop like that? I can get that at home.

    Thanks for the visit! Sincerely happy to see you! xoxoxoooxo

  15. The mom of one of my good friends raised six kids of her own. I will always remember seeing her when my firstborn was a baby and her telling me, "I wish had enjoyed my kids more. I wish we had had more fun. I wish I had worried less."

    Thanks for a post that reminded me of a great mom's great advice and for the advice of you and your expensive friend -- it's right NOW.

  16. HELLO MEP!!!! How awesome to see you here!! I know, I know, I was almost too late in learning. My mother said the same thing. Now she tries to hog my kids b/c she said she didn't get a chance the first time around. She would literally beg to just hold my babies while they slept..and she'd hold them for their entire nap. *sob*

    Thank you for the visit!!!

  17. Sounds like perhaps your expensive friend has been there. We all do this, this pre-mourning. Mine seems so much sharper with baby #2. Will there be a #3? Not sure, and so, I try to breathe my girls in fully every single day and look forward to all the great things that will come next.

  18. Hey, CFM! So happy to see you! I have fallen head over heels for your posts! Hilarious, can't wait to catch up on all I missed. You remind me of Jen Lancaster. VERY FUNNY stuff. Thanks for the laughs, and thank you so much for the visit!!!



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