Sunday, March 13, 2011

Sunday Best - Commisery Loves Company

 


Commiseration. Yes, sometimes commiseration can be the best solution.

I have been thinking about the blogs I frequent often, the ones I jump up to check on each day.

What keeps me returning there?

Why do I like them and look forward to their posting?

It’s what I find there: moods that match my own on some days. Other days it’s a place where “they get it.” Pretty often, I don’t want answers to my problems, I just want to be somewhere where it’s OK to be who I am. With no feelings of needing to impress, or pretend to be something I’m really not.

I’ve read that “water seeks its own level” and “ seeks the path of least resistance.” That is what a “blogfriend” does for me.

A blogging friend is easy, they get you, they know what you're like--without you having to be alike.

When we find ourselves needing to vent, talk it out, work it out, feeling short ended on this life gig sometimes (we’re only human, right?) it’s strangely and curiously uplifting to find someone muddling through, too.

There is something about the “safety” you feel at a favorite blog.

You can be comfortable in your reaction and your response, and in what you say in the little square comment box, because you know that there can be a difference in opinion, and you and your girl are still good.


Sometimes, we just want to be understood.

Sometimes, we don’t want a solution.

We just want to nod “yes, yes, yes” to what we read, and let that be all there is to it. And laughing along in recognition of it all lightens the load.

Instantly.

One minute, you can be crying as you look around at the Hoarder's episode your house is becoming...and then, you hit the right blog at the right time, where there's a post on how the blogger sprained her ankle tripping over a mountain of toy trucks...perfect. Just what the Dr. ordered. You're now laughing at the sisterhood of it all, and no longer feeling like the messiest mom in town.

If you're feeling as if you're the only mother around who tears up as you watch your oldest be able to do so many things for himself now, and why can other moms embrace the independence of these teen years so well...and you? You just can't seem to stop pouring his orange juice for him in the morning. You sit in front of the computer, all misty eyed over this fleeing of childhood, and then you find just the right post, where another blogger is able to put words to what you feel in your heart. 

You can’t really describe chemistry, or put a formula as to why you feel drawn to a specific blogger and their site. If we could, we would all write the book and begin blogs and sell them later for thousands.

You can’t really figure out how you find your “tribe,” your group of women that make up your daily life as much as your family and co workers, and physical friends do.

You begin blogging one day, and then little by little, and one by one, you meet people that bring joy to your life, people who make you smile excitedly when you see it’s them on comments, or in an email, or a tweet, or a sweet: “a direct message to you from…” on twitter. People online who make your heart skip a little when you see it's them.

I think we all just want to belong to a part of something larger than what we have only physically around us. We want to be accepted, and part of a larger collective of who we are, what is reflected back to us, of us.  Sharing what is dear to us, tethers and binds us to others. We no longer feel alone, and misunderstood, isolated-- a stranger in a strange land.

There are times in our lives, when--yes, we truly want a fix, a solution, resources, help, ideas…but there are, more often than not, times when we only want to hear, “me, too!”

Times when we want to know that someone misses our presence in their life that day.

We want to know that we matter, and that someone likes us being part of their world.

It’s nice to know that we came to mind, when someone prepared a post. It’s nice to know that we, also, have somewhere to go with feelings we have inside,  news we want to share, a memory we need to give life to. Or when we need someone to listen to us at 1:00 a.m.

Commiseration. Sometimes just the sweet balm we need, and no more.

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This post was originally prepared for the amazing  Erin Margolin, at her original website, The Mother Load.

I still like what it says.

Happy Sunday!

53 comments:

  1. Yes yes and yes!!

    You have it so right!

    I like what you said too. =)

    (and I love that Erin!)

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  2. Also...this is the post you wrote that led me to your “When Someone You Love Has a Blog” series, which led me to you....who I also love.


    This comment makes me want to break out in a loud, emotion filled few bars of "Memories".

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  3. I like that me too feeling I get from blogging. It helps me know that I am not alone in my struggles as a SAHM when my kids are driving me up the wall or when my husband is being a pain. It makes the time I spend blogging worth the effort.

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  4. Love, love this! So well stated.

    It is strangely comforting to know that there are others muddling through with you. This is what brings me back to my favorite blogs. There is a "saftey" that I feel in the blogs I consider my favorite. A sort of soothing place. It's what brings me back to your diggs, often. :-)) I feel you muddling with me through the mess when you come visit me, and I definitely feel you get me when I stop by yours 'cause I get you.

    Thanks for your words on my post on embracing adversity. So encouraging...talk about "getting me". You totally did that day, hands down. Big hugs...

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  5. This is just lovely and so true. You know that YOU are one of my daily reads, a member of "my tribe."

    I really love your self-reflective posts on blogging and bloggers' culture. Which is so funny because whenever I write about the process of blogging I feel like I am being highly self indulgent and worry about my IRL non-blogging friends & family that also read my blog rolling their eyes and thinking "Oh, no, there she goes again." Hmmmm.

    Anyway all this to say, once again: "I love you, dear Empress."

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  6. we all want to be part of something larger...and we all want to be understood and have community...i get this...and yeah i dont know if i would have picked the tribe i ended up with if you would have asked me before blogging but now they are family....

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  7. I confess, I cruise around reading other blogs willy nilly. But always think you're speaking to me. I think I have a little crush on you.

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  8. I don't think I'd read this one before. It's so true. We are attracted to people we feel "get it."

    And you do! For me, anyway.

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  9. I totally agree - it is what friendship is all about whether IRL or in the blogosphere!

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  10. Oh, you totally get it! I write about everything because I need to vent and i get so much positive (email) feedback. Reading my blogs and writing my own just "help me deal". So glad I found yours!

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  11. I love what Mrs. Tuna said! :-))

    I have been lurking lately (lots going on in my life right now and not much time to comment!) but have been thinking about this exact thing as I have been hovering around my favorite blogs. I like reading blogs that make me feel like I'm not quite as alone as I sometimes think I am. I love reading that others have the same struggles and frustrations that I do.

    This was well said and beautifully written....thank you!

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  12. I agree--some blogs really do feel like home. I think many writers/bloggers live fairly solitary lives, so it's nice to feel understood, even through a computer screen.

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  13. I'm pretty sure that in the picture, I'm the one to the far right. The 3 others are my dear gay friends, who commiserate by dressing in my clothes. And helping me with my makeup.

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  14. Oh, Suzy: no one like you. You make my laugh. XO

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  15. you bring joy to my life. i thank you for that.

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  16. Yes, comisery does love company indeed. I find I have much more in common with the bloggers that expose their imperfections than the ones that paint a rosy picture of themselves as supermom to the most brilliant,beautiful and well behaved children on the planet. Delusional, party of one? No, make that party of two - Charlie Sheen would be a good dining companion for the "perfect mom blogger".

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  17. I concur, Empress. I dig your graphic on this post too. If you want a little dab of pink for your all blue world, find me:)

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  18. Totally agree. I love reading blogs. And I have met som many great women through blogging, many of whom I call my dearest friends.

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  19. i 100% get this post. I LOVE to read people that I feel are writing my thoughts and soul on their blogs. I love to nod along at these women (and sometimes dudes) who GET ME without even knowing me.

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  20. Yay, I got through! I owe my computer a cookie: )

    You are so right with this. My favorite blogs are about real lives. The humorous and the struggles. It is good to know I'm not the only one with issues like, I was just interrupted in writing this comment because Middlest sucked up a dog toy in the vacuum and smoke was coming out of it.....
    XO,E

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  21. yes yes yes- i'm feelin ya! great post- gotta go pay some attention to my childrean now before something really bad happens! i mean- we are gonna make some more really great family memories!!!

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  22. I really couldn't believe how much other people had the same problems, the ones that made me feel like an isolated, shame-filled freak, and I try not to dwell on how if I'd started blogging earlier I probably could have saved a lot of money on medication. That hoarders/toy trucks example really nails it.

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  23. I loved this post. My blog is primarily a humorous place to be, but it's been liberating to let out some of my sad moments, my angry times, and still feel like those things fit at Rubber Chicken Madness.

    This post reminds me that bloggers are human beings. And all human beings want to be accepted for who they are. We bond with others who share our good times and our bad.

    Thanks for articulating this so well.

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  24. And sometimes I also need to feel a little more comfortable in my underwear, especially when it rides uncontrollably into my butt bits.

    Just sayin....

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  25. I always heard the saying "Misery loves company" ...but this is so much better!! I commiserate as I wander through the maze that is my home and social networks as if I were living in The Land of the Lost while hiding from dinosaurs and sleestak.

    All while having being in the same clothing for days on end!

    Empress? Your timing is perfection and I am honored to be among royalty!

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  26. I love reading about blogging friends lives and knowing they have the same struggles I do. I love hearing their humor as well as deep thoughts about them.

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  27. You are so right. At first it waas the voyeurism in me...now it's the comisseration.

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  28. I'm usually not looking for a solution. Commiseration is all I need!

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  29. Yes. I'm nodding. I'm commiserating. I'm adoring. Just a big YES for you today. XO

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  30. Amen. That's all I've got. Amen.

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  31. oh, you had me at, me too, me too ...
    Just love you, in every mood.
    Thank you for cheering me on from the start, you are a def part of my daily fix :)

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  32. I am so happy to be part of your sisterhood. There's no doubt about it - I flow down to you. Or something.

    You have created a truly safe space for people - and I hope you feel the same at mine.

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  33. Well said tribe sister, well said. And then you try to explain this to someone who doesn't blog and they just look at ya funny!

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  34. i was just talking to @unxpctdblessings about this last night. I asked if it was healthy or not that when I am feeling awful, I want to go read people who I know understand me because their content shows they have been where I am. Often, these are people who WERE there and might visit there, but write hope and recovery also. When I am upset, I wont go looking for cheer, I will go looking for commiseration. Thank you for reading my mind :)

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  35. Yes, yes and yes, I'm so honored to be among those you visit and I think you proposed to me in a comment once so I'm assuming that means I'm in your tribe ;) ??? I hope so because posts like this just remind me why I love coming here so much.

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  36. You are one of the most welcoming women around here.

    I love your space and I am always honored when you come by mine.

    This was so very well said.

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  37. Alexandra, you nailed it. This is exactly how I feel about my bloggy tribe...voices I look forward to each day, cheering me along or just simply agreeing with me...making me feel normal or just making myself laugh at myself.

    I love coming here for just those reasons, and I love that you "get me". Happy Sunday, dear Empress.

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  38. Me, too!! ;-) Seriously, I think you got it right - well said.
    -Ally

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  39. yes, yes, yes! This is it, exactly!

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  40. YEs, yes, and yes! It is amazing how one comment or tweet (or the lack thereof), can change my day! I have to remind myself sometimes that just like in real life, it can take time to develop the tribe....and that it is ok.
    In the end, the feeling of knowing that someone is reading, and nodding, and feeling...there is nothing else like it!

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  41. It's true. I've missed your blog this week - I'm just catching up now. I feel like I need my tribe right about now. :-)

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  42. Thank God for blog friends and for commiseration! Don't what I'd do without them!

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  43. Oh, here I am diving in to the world of the Empress, and I am loving it already. And of course I love me some Erin, too. :)

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  44. Wow. Wow (again) - did you know I needed this post?? I needed to hear/read those words at...just about now, as I have been struggling with my blog, wondering if I am serving any purpose larger than going on and on about my neuroses. I am feeling all those things that you mentioned - about how someone gets you, how landing on a blog can make you feel comforted, understood...You have always been the blog and friend for me, Alexandra. Thank you. Beautifully written.

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  45. This is absolute perfection. Yes.

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  46. I'm just going to nod my head then and say "yes, yes, yes".

    :)

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  47. Nice article, thanks for the information.

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  48. Funnily enough, this is EXACTLY the post I needed to read today.

    Those feelings of loneliness, where NO ONE in real life gets you/me, where I can't stand the very thought of trying to be someone I'm not, they can be so overwhelming, and I'm glad to see that it's not only me that reaches out online. Thanks for this.

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  49. I think you've made that your true colors - making people feel at home.

    I love the expression 'water seeks its own level' - I hadn't heard that one in awhile.

    You are so lovely.

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  50. Hello I was wondering if I could post the picture on top to
    Pinterest?

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