Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Forbidden and The Forgotten

Yes, I did just fall to earth
Tonight, the 2011 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show aired.

There was much in the way of ridiculousness: women in giant bird wings, super hero capes with thigh high neon boots, clamshell cage ensemble thingys, and even a little something for the latinas: a 5 foot tall awkward peinilla and mantilla. There were angels, devils, tramps and thieves; all culminating in which can only be described as featured left overs from a mardi gras parade.

All this for an underwear show. A fancy underwear show vs a fancy, underwear show.

I can't help but smirk when I think of the expensive, expensive underwear that gets purchased in the hopes of a little sumpin sumpin happening.

The only sumpin sumpin that'll be happening to that gossamer barely held together by threads knitted in a moonlit forest by faeries (vs fairies) that were bred solely for the purpose of producing Victoria's Secret gauzy underthings, is that those sparkly bands of fabric will get shoved to the back of the dresser drawer.

I must finish thine corset before the first wane of the moon

Banished to The Land of The Forbidden and The Forgotten.

It's a very nice effort, one full of hopes, Mr. Victoria's Secret, that those items will be used for daily living, but the truth is that women in the real world (those that believe in the cotton crotch, weigh more than 100 pounds and walk on sidewalks in flats not on runways in heels, whilst engaging in the high risk behavior of an acetate panty panel) are not going to pay that much for underwear with seams that will take on the fragility of an overused Kleenex if you sneeze too hard.

We just won't do it.

Not when you can find some perfectly durable, comfortable, no threat to your circulation 50 to a pack Hanes Her Way at Costco for less than $3.39 each.

We know enough to resist the urge to buy what you offer us. Victoria's Secret Models are the most beautiful in the world. They're like Barbie dolls. They have figures that aren't found pushing a shopping cart full of Hamburger Helper and Lunchables at MegaMart. 

That exact same gorgeous 3 inch wide band of lingerie on a VS model, will not look that same way on me.

It will not look the same way on me and I will be sorry. And disappointed. And regret ever thinking the possibility existed I could wear that. And then I'll have to sit down and eat 12 100 calories at a pop Weight Watcher fudgesicles while watching Bridget Jones' Diary.

Models are really, really different from you and me. Stare at something pretty for too long, and the mind begins to do funny things. Like tricking ourselves into thinking, Yeah, you know, if I double up on the hot yoga and the spin classes, I could do it...

No, no you can't. The only thing you can do is the clamshell cage. So, leave the underwear made from one thousand butterfly wings to the professionals. 

Besides, Hanes has animal prints out this year!

Whoa, that a double reinforced stitch all cotton crotch??



  1. Hee hee!! You're a wise one Empress. I don't even do G-strings anymore. Give me a pair of comfy, cotton boy shorts any day. I don't need a toothpick thin string wedging itself in unseemly places.

  2. I'll take the Hanes, please. I get mean when I'm hungry!

  3. I hope you dear dears click over and see what I'm talking will LOVE it.

  4. I likes nice drawers! Actually, I've found that I can still wear pretty panties from Target without paying a pretty penny like I would in VS. Aside from the fact that I need to shop in the teen section to accommodate my, um, -32AAAAAAAAAAAAA cups, Target/JCPenney panties are much more durable and as long as they match, I don't care where they were purchased. It's not like anyone's going around checking my underwear tags (hey! Get from back there). I simply can't spend $40 on so little fabric. I just can't.

  5. Wait, that wasn't a picture of YOU in the angel wings at the top of this post? Also I must tell people the truth here - while you may not be a model? You still looked adorable in your (Costco bought) underwear - roomie!

  6. oo animal prints...

    you will be happy to know i was not even tempted to watch it...smiles.

  7. Again, the won't believe the absurdness of the accompanying props: ANGEL WINGS?? inside a huge clam shell??

    Oh, I won't say they can't pay me enough, because they could...but, really, those girls have some healthy self esteem....

  8. Um, I can't even wear the heels that model is sporting let alone the rest of her "finery". I mean, yes, I have a halo, just not wings!

    Hanes forever!

  9. I'm waiting for a REAL womens underwear fashion show.

    You know, where models dodge Lego landmines on their way to the bathroom wearing ripped camisoles with Indian food stains and underwear worn thin in the crotch, or nursing bras from 10+ years ago that you can't give up because they are JUST THAT COMFY, or a bathrobe resembling a shower mat after a fight with a feral raccoon....

    You get the jist.

  10. I considered buying the angel wings because they were the only things from that show I could fit into, but then I realized the only thing I could do while wearing them would be to prance around in my underwear.

  11. Sugar! First of all, thanks so much for coming by the other day and for all the sweet comments you made. It meant so much to me!

    Secondly, thanks for not mentioning I was in the VS modeling show. I really didn't want people to know. (Interferes with my teaching and all.)

  12. THANK YOU. Thank you from the bottom of my thong-less butt ... wait. That sounds funny. I hate those ads--because let's face it, that's what it is; I hate that they're on when my kids might be watching TV; I hate that people thing "oh yeah, if I buy that..." I hate that bras made with about 43 cents of materials cost 43$; I hate it all. Loves me my Hanes or...just anything in the sale racks at Filenes Basement, TJ Maxx, and Marshalls. that's where angels go when their wings fail them...

  13. This was the best thing my sorry saggy butt could have read today. You oh wise woman are like Maya Angelou for the underwear crowd. Loved it to bits. I lost a thong once, and am still looking for it....but that's for another time.

  14. OMG. That cracked me up. And then the comment on the angel wings in a clam shell... that just sounds ALL kinds of wrong. LMBO!

    Well, I do have a couple of pair of VS panties (From a massive sale and at least 5 years ago, lol)I refer to them as my "dirty undies." Which doesn't quite have the best ring when you're flirting...

  15. Omg, girl... "So, leave the underwear made from one thousand butterfly wings to the professionals." Wow, I'm almost crying from laughing so hard. SO TRUE! I was actually going to watch, but then I didn't want to feel bad about the cookies I had consumed with my filling dinner.

    See, I like lingerie. Not like, to wear around the apartment or anything, but sometimes it's fun to put on. But it's not comfortable and I don't care what they say--those models don't like thongs up their a**es any more than the rest of us.

    Say... those are some nice Hanes.

  16. True as always, your comments kill me.

    I love them.

    Always better than the post.

    The author should be ashamed.


  17. Halle-freakin'-lujah! Someone speaks the truth. Why would you spend $40 on a pair of underwear that will get crammed into the back of the drawer? Even the VS cotton panties are mildly ridiculous. Lingerie is intended to be worn for about 4.75 seconds, and then never worn again. It's like wearing the same prom dress twice.

  18. Animal prints? RAWR!

    It can't be comfortable to sleep in angel wings, no?


  19. I can't get past the fact that Alison said she doesn't even do G-strings ANY MORE.


    I give this post five leopard-print thongs.

  20. You are hilarious. I have given up on all things that make me walk funny and am still in search of a pair of no-line unwear that actually leave no lines.

  21. I think I have some VS in a drawer somewhere. I don't think they have been out in years.

  22. Wait a minute.

    We're supposed to wear underwear?

    DANG it.

  23. Oh my gosh. Former students of mine on Facebook were writing about their aspirations of being VS Angels. Lovely, bright, talented 19 year old girls. I cried a little.

  24. I just laughed so hard I spit onto my computer keyboard. Thanks for nothing. Luckily I have some clean granny panties somewhere that I can use to give it a wipedown. Try doing THAT with your Gossamer Winged Goddess Angel Panty from VS.

  25. My husband likes to say "lingerie is a waste of money. It's for lounging around looking sexy. Who has time for that? Let's get naked and get to it!"

    I think he could take down the entire VS empire with that one thought process.

  26. Oh yes. The mass consumption of 100-calorie treats. I hear you, I hear you.

  27. OMG, if you sneeze too hard.

    While this plus size lady does prefer sexy underwear, I buy mine at Target. Usually on sale. I love that little red sticker showing it's a sale price!

    I've always been large chested, but even when my big boobs were a petite 36D, the Victoria's Secret bras that I was so excited to buy couldn't hold up my girls and wore out within a month. Guess you already have to be pretty perky to get into those (and I was 18, if I wasn't perky then, things weren't looking up).

    You are SO RIGHT about staring at that stuff for too long. It begins to change something, something that was perfectly fine in the first place.

  28. I have gotten bras at Vicky's Secret a few times. I always have to dig around a bit to find my size, but that's a small price to pay, I tell myself, for the possibility of sprouting wings. But the straps give up the fight in no time. So I've stopped giving them chances.

  29. Hey: just noticed twelvedaysold said the same thing I did about our girls not getting support for more than a few weeks. You think the Vicky's Secret execs will read this and do something about their weak bras? They are the underwear equivalent of a guy who looks good is all over you until you start to date him. Then the support is over. (Right? I seem to remember something about the process, but it's hazy...)

  30. Man oh man, you guys make me laugh..

  31. I've watched the VS Fashion show since it first went on the air. I'm also a frequent VS shopper. I have so many of their bras and yes, they do add a cup size, the new ones add two! Maybe married women have given up the ghost but us single ladies still give it a shot!

  32. My husband ALWAYS wants me to buy from Victoria's Secret. I just cannot convince him that it's a waste of money.

  33. You're killing me.
    We don't have Victoria Secret in Canada.
    Thank God.

  34. I would sooner wear one of those angel-wing rigs than one of Victoria's bras, which have to be the most ill-fitting, useless wads of nylon on the planet.

    Not that I feel strongly about it or anything.

    ;-) A.

  35. I had to turn the channel when that show started for a few reasons.
    1. I don't know what the point of the show is.
    2. Nobody but the models can wear that crap.
    3. It's depressing.
    4. I think that they use a lot of tape to hold things in place.
    Reruns of anything else are better.

  36. Only you can tell it so fabulously!

    And those models? they don't eat. I don't care what jackcrap comes out of that idiot Gisele's, mouth, they. do. not. eat. My friend is in the business. She used to be a pretty big time model in the 80's, now she's behind the scenes at Ford. She vouched for the fact that none of them eat.

    Me? I like my peanut butter m&m's too much to strap on a pair of giant wings and toddler sized undies.

    Although...I do like me a good thong. Not VS's, though. Their's are like having a rope swing up your arse, way too thick. A good hanky panky though, now that is a comfortable thong. I know, oxymoron, but really true.

    Oh, and I see that twelve days commented up there? Just so you know, Empress, she is one of my favoRITE people in the whole wide world. You will love her, if you don't already.

  37. Bwhaha but the victoria secret models are hot yes? :)

  38. Oh yes, lingerie. I remember that. From my last boyfriend. Who cheated on me with airline stewardesses! I'll stick to the cotton panties. I'm heading to Hanes for the cougar print. Meow.

  39. Ugh, yes, this is so many kinds of gross.

    Also - thongs? Stop lying and saying they're comfortable.


  40. Oh my goodness this was so hysterical and SO TRUE!! Gimme cotton!

  41. Well, I do have s softspot for pretty knickers. That's all I'll say! lol

  42. I'm Hanes all the way. But if there can be some animal prints involved, all the better.

  43. So funny you wrote this! I just bought me some Hanes at Target (please note I am pronouncing Target the french way).

    About 7 years ago, my bestie (you know the sweetest woman on earth) forced me to stop buying VS bras and got me into something from Macy's (yes, she literally dragged me to the store and picked out bras for me while I was busy holding up lingerie in the store and cracking jokes). Which turned out to be a good thing...

    Hey...remember when Victoria's Secret first came out as a store and they used to play classical music in the background,and the store smelled like potpourri, and the lingerie (am I spelling lingerie right, because I got a new computer this week and now I never get the little red underlines I usually get under words when I type comments)...where was I (I had a LOT of coffee this morning BTW)...oh, and the lingerie used to be sexy, not slutty? I think it was like, 1982?

  44. Ok, now I don't feel so bad that I missed the fashion show on Wednesday. I actually meant to Tivo it but forgot. I actually love staring at those gorgeous woman, but you're right, it does do funny things to the brain. Like for a second I lapse into lesbianism, and then I'm like, "WTF? I'm hetero!"

  45. Ok so - here's what I do; I get the full body nude colored spanx and put the Victoria's Secret underwear on top. And then look at myself slightly cross eyed in a mirror from the 20's and I have to say - I've never looked better people. Might even have to order up some wings...

  46. I don't understand the g-strings. Isn't the DEFINITION of annoying: things that climb up your arse.

  47. I think it needs to be seen as what it is...a show.

  48. This was a scream. You know all mean love to dream about a Victoria's Secret model. And they buy you the fancy panties ... and skimpy bra... Give it to you all excited... and wonder why you cry when you come out of the bathroom. Because? Life is just not fair!!



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