Tuesday, August 28, 2012

And Then I'll Be The Only One



Next week at this time, it'll only be me in the house.

I'll be the only one pounding on the fireplace screen this time, hoping to startle away the scuffling blackbirds that spent their mornings squawking on our roof all summer.

Our three boys will be in school and I'll be home that first day, alone, after being with them every day for three months. I'll talk out loud to myself while I wipe up the counters from that morning's toast, about how eager the three of them were to get back to their friends and catch up on who went the farthest on vacation and whose hair grew the longest over the summer.

I'll drop them off at school one by one, and then I'll go for a walk - not yet ready to go back into the house, to the sight of Lucky Charms floating in cereal bowls, the milk dusted with yellow and green specks.

It'll feel like a ghost town when I first walk back in; like the exhibits of Pompeii, frozen moments in time of what was live only minutes before. I'll pick up the book left open face down on the coffee table and wonder whether my son likes it or not. I'll look at the sketch of a robot, three-fourths finished, my son's favorite black marker left uncapped on top; closing the pen for him so it doesn't dry out. I'll put away the scissors left open on the living room floor where my son was cutting out his favorite comics from the Sunday paper and taping them into his scrapbook.

There will be plenty to do, like there always is, and the day will run out of hours, like it always does.

I'll fold laundry, drag a vacuum cleaner across carpets, unload dishes, sweep wooden floors, return phone calls, shop for tonight's meal, sometimes coffee with a friend. My day will pass and then it will be time to pick up my children from school; and then I'll turn around to drop them off again, to piano, soccer, swimming.

I don't have enough time in my day to do everything that I need to do. Before I know it, it's time to get my children. There is never enough time in my day.

And yet, there is too much.

Too much time until I see their eyes meet mine in the rear view mirror asking me what's for dinner, telling me they hope it's spaghetti. Too much time until then, and so I fill the hours with all the things I know I need to do, to help make it pass. 

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48 comments:

  1. Your boys are gorgeous.

    But you already knew that.

    (and so much time, but not enough time!)

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  2. Your children are beautiful, just like their Mother.

    xo

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  3. The house sure seems quite when it's empty, doesn't it? Mine's like that all the time.

    Great pic of the boys! Was that their first day of school pic, they have on jackets? I can't wait for cooler weather.

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  4. feel for you today...that has been me but now i am in the thick of it....i am in the high school now, special education...but i know the feel of watching them on the bus and finding ways to fill the time...

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    Replies
    1. I can't think of a better person with those children than you,Mr. Miller.

      You are meant to be with them.

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  5. Simply beautiful, Alexandra.

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    Replies
    1. Cheryl,you were my coffee with a friend.

      Thank you.

      Delete
  6. Your boys are handsome young men. Beautifully written as usual :)

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  7. I look to you, as the mom of a boys older than mine, and see what I am missing before I even had a chance to miss it.

    I HATE WHEN YOU DO THAT. ;)
    I wanted to enjoy my day - finally alone.

    But truthfully, I probably won't. But I think I will buy a bowl of Lucky Charms as a treat for them to "celebrate" back to school.

    If we were closer I'd show up with coffee and we could sit quietly together.

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, thank you for your kind offer.

      You could try, but truth is...it's all killing time.

      I kid. Sort of.

      xo

      Delete
  8. What a beautiful post. Beautiful!

    As I am in the thick of it with a 2 year old, those moments alone are so elusive. When I'm in it, I find I have both too much and not enough time. I long for a break but I miss her the moment the break begins. It sounds like this is just motherhood in a nutshell.

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  9. I missed my kids very much that first day. Their younger siblings are still st home, and I am glad of it. I try to be aware that it won't always be this way. Someday I'll have more time to write, sure, but my kids will be away from me most of the day.

    I've had so many times in my life when I just wished they would fall asleep for nap or bedtime, and often I miss them after they are asleep.

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  10. My, if Baby E doesn't look like you! Those are some gorgeous boys there. And I get this, even though much is not changing for my routine outside of their being in school since I'll still be kicking myself at this desk, I get this.

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    Replies
    1. You know how to win me over. THe fact that you see the ghost of my face in Baby E thrills me. I love that boy.

      I love all three of these babies. They are a part of me in the world.

      I am so lucky.

      Delete
  11. How did you know this is how I was feeling yesterday morning on JDaniel's first day back in school? I wish I had had your words to share with my friends this is how I was feeling.

    You are such a wonderful word weaver.

    Please take a moment and link this to my Back to School Traditions link up so, some of them will see it and read it.

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    Replies
    1. So flattered, JD'sMom. Would love to link up, and thank you for the way you ALWAYS lift my spirits.

      Delete
  12. I'm sighing over here. In a good way.
    I hope you've had a good summer, a great summer. And I wish you and your boys well as you begin a new year. My new year begins in the fall when the kids go to school. and lessons and routine return. All things new. Change, hey? ....and I'm sighing again.

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    Replies
    1. Right?

      The summer is my favorite time of the year. Having them all with me every morning, while we discuss our days, it's glimpses of heaven for me.

      xo

      Delete
  13. Love this, so well written. And yet, as I read you, I can sense your longing to be at once alone and back together with them, and I'm like, "How come I don't miss my kids?" Seriously, I'm such a bitch.

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  14. This is such a beautiful post. My little guy will be in full days for the first time, so both of my boys will be gone all day. I'm pretty sure I'll feel like this even though a small part of me looks forward to having more time. But I suspect that feeling will be short lived.

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    Replies
    1. So right: they're gone, and I sit: missing their faces. I get used to it, but that first day, after being with them every day for 3 months: there's your dagger.

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  15. dude. that was an emotional roller coaster. great post. so great that even *i* miss your kids!

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  16. Oh, the bits of life left behind as they scurry off to school. I try very hard to pretend all those signs of kids aren't there...when they're gone I work on my stuff. When they're home, we clean together. I want solo time just for me, and want them to hear the vacuum every time it goes so they know someone does the work. Preferably them.

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  17. Lita is with you all the time that you write about your sweet, beautiful life with your little family.
    I love to read about it,..and I guess, I live vicariously through it..."what is it like to a real mom?.."
    You answer that for me every time.


    Love you & God bless.

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  18. They look very happy and content. I'm looking forward to having some time to myself when my children go off to school (it won't be for another 3 years before I have both of them out of the house), but I suspect I will not know what to do with myself when I finally have the luxury of a few hours alone. Oh, I had so much time before I had children...

    Thanks for visiting my blog :-)

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  19. Replies
    1. Thank you, Maggie. Your post today on autumn sneaking up on you was a heart clencher.

      xo

      Delete
  20. I absolutely love this. I can't imagine the day that all of mine are at school all day. Truly can't. I think I need them just as much as they need me, okay maybe I need them more.

    Your boys are such handsome guys!

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    Replies
    1. I don't think any of us every thinks our lives will change. I always imagined myself as forever the mom of young boys.

      Always.

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  21. (sniff)...call me!

    My neighbor laughed the year my daughter got on the bus for first grade and I went straight to the garage for the lawnmower...no way was I going back inside quickly!

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    Replies
    1. Andrea, I know.

      I will circle the block like some crazy English Olympic speed walker, ski poles and all, but I WILL NOT enter that house while the cereal bowls are fresh.

      xo

      (PS: thanks for putting me to domestic shame with your post today. My poor family is so getting ripped off.)

      Delete
  22. i can still see alec as a baby in his face. i love looking at him. he always had that gleam in his eye. luv it.

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  23. Is it wrong that I can hardly wait?

    Beautiful post.

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  24. Oh my goodness, yes.
    Too much time and also never enough.

    How is motherhood so full of paradox?

    Today is my first day as an "only."
    The house is quiet. Peaceful.

    And lonely.

    I want to know if they are okay, happy, befriended. I can't wait to hear about their days.

    Yes, I have more to do than I could accomplish in a week.
    And yet.

    I look at the clock and wonder.
    Is it 3:00 yet?

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  25. Lovely post, really makes you think about how valuable time is and remembering what is important.

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  26. 4 year old is going to pre-k for the first time next week. I'm totally going to bawl. Really nice post. :-)

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  27. These first day posts are killing me and your boys are gorgeous.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. Yeah. So hard, they're easy to get used to. And I've been used to them for 3 months now.

      And now you're making me cry again.

      xo

      Delete
  28. Yep. I'm there now. At once lovely and weirding me out.

    But make no mistake: I'll take it.

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  29. Oh, Empress. As usual, the beauty in your words has touched my heart indelibly. Yes. Yes. And Yes! This is exactly how I feel!

    My baby has just started high school and even though the moments in between all my girls' leaving and coming home are a luxurious treat—my own time—I still can't wait for the end of the school day, for my youngest to jump in my car and fill me in on all the details of her high school life. Granted, I have to prod them out of her, but still.

    And it's good to know I'm not the only one who talks to themselves during the day. Actually, I claim I'm talking to the dogs.

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  30. I love seeing this picture of your boys. If I were there, I would come over with coffee and treats and help you pass your day.

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  31. Ah, I remember reading this and not being able to post my comment from my iPad. I love this one too...You captured so perfectly the bittersweetness of back to school! I can't articulate it, though I have tried...that first day my little boy was back at school was the longest day. I missed him so much and wished I could have called him at school. And like you, I always feel like I have too much to do, but I hardly get anything done. This is beautiful. And the photo is of your boys is stunning!!

    I've missed you, Alexandra! I'm back at my computer now for the fall, broken leg and all...

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  32. I don't think a mother's work is ever really fully appreciated, but I can tell by your words that you breathe so much passion into all that you do. What a wonderful momma you are to your sweet boys, Alexandra.

    And holy cow! It seems like your boys just keep growing and growing. What handsome men you have there. XOXO

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